Went on a date with a divorced 28 yr old....thoughts?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I think mentioning 'our future' would freak her out even further. I will just direct the conversation towards her and talk about her as a person.

 

She just texted me asking where am I. Means she was expecting me to text or call. What's the play now?

 

Just text her back and say, "hey, how was your day?"

[swazzzz]

Just text her back and say, "hey, how was your day?"

 

I agree I was trying to be emotionally manipulative. I will not do that. I genuinely like her and would want this to go somewhere. I just texted her a "hey how is it going? How's work?" Fingers crossed now.

[swazzzz]

I agree I was trying to be emotionally manipulative. I will not do that. I genuinely like her and would want this to go somewhere. I just texted her a "hey how is it going? How's work?" Fingers crossed now.

 

We had a small chat over texts (4-5 texts from each side, mostly just "such a busy day at work, am exhausted" to which I have responded "it's just Tuesday, things are just getting started sort of a thing")

 

I also texted her saying "I'm out running a couple of errands etc" to which she replied "looks like you are having a better day than me" to which I replied "well if you wanna take a break and have a chat, give me a call". She called me immediately (she was at her desk), we made some small talk for a couple of mins and then I told her "you should probably get back to your work, we'll catch up later". It was a short conversation, not long enough for me to judge if she is in love with me or not

 

She also texted me once she reached home and I replied a casual "hope you can get some rest, my work starts now" (I work from 8 pm to 4 am due to time zone differences with my company in Seattle). She replied with a sad smiley and I did not reply to that.

 

What do you guys think? Did I overkill it?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

We had a small chat over texts (4-5 texts from each side, mostly just "such a busy day at work, am exhausted" to which I have responded "it's just Tuesday, things are just getting started sort of a thing")

 

I also texted her saying "I'm out running a couple of errands etc" to which she replied "looks like you are having a better day than me" to which I replied "well if you wanna take a break and have a chat, give me a call". She called me immediately (she was at her desk), we made some small talk for a couple of mins and then I told her "you should probably get back to your work, we'll catch up later". It was a short conversation, not long enough for me to judge if she is in love with me or not

 

She also texted me once she reached home and I replied a casual "hope you can get some rest, my work starts now" (I work from 8 pm to 4 am due to time zone differences with my company in Seattle). She replied with a sad smiley and I did not reply to that.

 

What do you guys think? Did I overkill it?

 

You did good.

[swazzzz]

You did good.

 

I really wanna ask her if she is free for a phone chat.....though am not sure what to talk about though. How about just talking about her exam prep? Or how her day went and what type of work does she do?

[SevenCity]

I really wanna ask her if she is free for a phone chat.....though am not sure what to talk about though. How about just talking about her exam prep? Or how her day went and what type of work does she do?

 

You did good (surprisingly!).

 

Quit the phone calls - get her out in person. She likes the attention from you but she won't fall for you over the phone.

 

You risk screwing it uo too much - concentrate on getter her out in person and go for a kiss when appropriate.

[swazzzz]

You did good (surprisingly!).

 

Quit the phone calls - get her out in person. She likes the attention from you but she won't fall for you over the phone.

 

You risk screwing it uo too much - concentrate on getter her out in person and go for a kiss when appropriate.

 

Man I can't believe SevenCity actually said something nice about me! I feel a lot better

 

Fingers crossed that she is available this weekend.

[d0nnivain]

I do have to admit that after reading all of your posts, I am a bit worried that I may have misinterpreted a few things. Did she like how I looked when she saw me for the first time in real? Did I seem over-eager? Did she appreciate me egging her on to talk about her past? Did I seem too over-eager for a second date? Did I go out on a limb and give her way too much of "get your self-esteem back" kind of advice? Did I volunteer to give her too much of masters in the US advice?

 

I did think that her being a divorcee and being emotionally vulnerable, if I was a good listener and a pseudo-therapist, she would be attracted to me. Is that completely incorrect?

 

Last but not the least, do I now go into no-contact mode?

 

 

Yes. You are a bit over eager. Being a good listener & a psudo therapist is the fast lane to the friend-zone. She has GFs to pour her heart out to. She doesn't need a man for that in the early stages of dating so yes, you were wrong to encourage her to talk about her failed marriage on a date with you. Why on earth do you as the man who wants to date her want her thinking about Him?

 

 

For heaven's sake do not go NC. NC is about healing from a break up. Are you dumping her? If not, you must communicate to build a relationship. Communicate does not mean tell her everything in the first days / weeks. Slowly reveal things. Start with the trivial. Work up to the deep intense stuff over a year.

 

It is so damn difficult to not give her a call while she is at work right now and just say a "hi". How do we know when to call and when not to call? Don't women sometimes want the attention of a man? Why do we try to be aloof about it when women want guys swooning over them? It is a conundrum for me, believe it.

 

 

Do NOT call while she's at work! You are the guy trying to date her. Do not be a p.i.t.a. while she's at work. Don't distract from her task. You have absolutely nothing to say to her that can't wait until not work hours.

 

 

You call when you have something concrete to say to arrange the next date. Do not call just to chat. Again she has GFs for that.

 

 

 

She just texted me asking where am I. Means she was expecting me to text or call. What's the play now?

 

 

If she reaches out you can & should respond. We just don't want you bombarding the woman & making a pest of yourself.

 

I really wanna ask her if she is free for a phone chat.....though am not sure what to talk about though. How about just talking about her exam prep? Or how her day went and what type of work does she do?

 

 

No, no, no. She can chat with her friends. You are going to talk yourself into the friend zone. Play it cool & stop acting like a puppy dog panting after her looking for scraps of affection.

 

 

When you do talk on the phone keep the conversation under 20 minutes. You need to get to know each other in person.

 

Fingers crossed that she is available this weekend.

 

 

My fingers are crossed.

[swazzzz]

Alright folks, second date has been secured. It is Sunday morning here and we had a chat yesterday over the phone and she said that she should be free Sunday evening. I asked her to pick a place and time since I had done so on our last date. Throughout the week, we have texted on and off, very basic "hey, how are you, busy with work, bad week, coming home late" etc etc. She called me on her own on Friday while I was at a movie so I could not answer the call. I called her back after the movie and she said that she was passing by my neighborhood and wanted to see if I wanted to grab a quick bite or a coffee. That was nice I think!

 

Would appreciate some help for this 2nd date guys. I have laid out before: she's a divorcee, slightly disturbed mentally and obviously in a lot of stress. Does it look good/make sense for me to be aggressive and kiss her? Also, how should I direct the conversation this time? Ask her more about her masters plans or just talk about her, her hopes and aspirations, likes and dislikes? I don't want to be a therapist once again but I might have to do that anyway. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

[The411]

I have been talking to this girl for the past month via instant messaging (we met online) and last night was our first date. During our online chats, she told me that she got married in November 2015 but due to irreconcilable differences, she had to ask for a legal separation and moved back in with her parents in February 2017.

 

I did not ask her if I was her first date after the separation. She is extremely pretty and petite and I was really attracted to her when I saw her first walking towards my Uber. I did the usual things: holding the door open, shook her hand, made small talk. At dinner she spoke about how she met her ex and the circumstances that led to her asking for a separation. I was being a very good listener, evident from the fact that my food finished a lot quicker than her's. She spoke of pain points with her ex and I could not help but empathize with her and even said a few sentences in her support "oh I cannot believe he would say that to you", "Did he really want to dictate the type of clothes you wore to a gym?" etc etc. I really think we had a good connection and even though she did not want to have an alcoholic beverage, she joined me in having a glass of sangria and a rum & coke. On the way home, we spoke as well and it really was a great conversation. It was mainly me doing all the talking (like a counsellor or therapist, telling her that she did the right thing and that she is looking out for herself and her self esteem etc etc). I really wanted to give her a hug at the least though a kiss did cross my mind. But since we were in an Uber, once we reached her place, she said "I had a really good time" and got out of the car. I did not initiate anything else. I did ask her to text me once she got home safe.

 

Once I got home, I texted her if she got home safe. She replied that she did and enquired the same about me. I gave her a call 30 mins later and she seemed to be in good spirits and seemed happy to speak to me. I asked her for a second date the next weekend and she said that she has a family engagement on Saturday which if it falls through, she can see me. I think that was a positive response. We chit chatted a bit after that, I told her that I could feel a genuine chemistry to which she replied "yes.....maybe". I do not want to read too much in to that.

 

Her being a divorcee, makes it a bit complicated. How do women usually feel after they have gone through a divorce? Are they more vulnerable? Are they more prone to making rash decisions and just going out on random dates to bring up their self esteem? If I want to genuinely make a connection with her, do I be a bit more aggressive or do I have to wait till she begins to trust me?

 

You aren't going to like what I'm going to say, but somebody needs to slap you and quick.

 

A girl who is 28 and is already divorced should slap you in the face like an orange at best but more likely red flag. Her marriage barely lasted 15 months.

 

She's talking about her ex husbands bad behavior.

 

To top it off she's talking about her ex on your date.

 

When a woman attacks her ex never assume she's telling the truth. For all you know she might be running a distortion campaign on her ex and she could be source of all the problems.

 

You should be running for the hills with all the red flags here.

[swazzzz]

Just got back from the second date. My poise today was of a more sombre, toned down personality. I consciously tried to talk about different things and did not be a therapist. And that is when a few things struck me.

 

1) She is not a very good listener. During the times I was saying something, she would constantly be looking at other tables, other families or couples. I noticed that quite a few times, reminded her that I am still there but her attention span was that of a goldfish. On the phone she is different though, she listens to me and we have discussions. Somehow today she was rather distracted.

2) There is a possibility that her reasons for leaving her husband (he does not give me enough attention) may have been borne from the fact that she constantly demanded attention and the husband got bored from not being able to give it to her. This is merely conjecture, but it is a possibility.

3) Goddammit she is so pretty. I can't take my eyes off her but I also probably won't be able to have a quality conversation with her. She does not read, does not watch theater or plays, hardly watches movies, does not drink by choice and has only dated 1 guy in college and then got married 6 years after graduating from college in an arranged marriage. I sense a certain lack of maturity in her.

4) I paid for dinner, she offered to pay since I had paid last time. But I insisted so she put down cash for tip and she bought us some dessert from a nearby ice-cream shop. I won't accuse her of being cheap.

5) But due to her conservativeness, I was hesitant to even give her a hug this time. It is probably not in her psyche or in her upbringing or whatever. There were moments during the night when we were staring at each other and I could have bent down and kissed her but it just did not seem right. And we were in front of other people. Remember this is India so public display of affection is still a taboo here.

 

What do you guys think? Please ask me any questions that you may have.

[swazzzz]

Any opinions guys? I just can't seem to stop thinking about her and it is hard to stay away from the phone. FYI I have not texted her since last night when she had asked me if I had reached.

[Miss Spider]

What makes you think #2?>

[PegNosePete]

I noticed that quite a few times, reminded her that I am still there but her attention span was that of a goldfish.

I would probably have ended the date early if that happened to me. What is the point being with someone if you have to remind them that you're there??

 

How about sending her a message, asking if everything was OK, since she seemed very distracted. Maybe you'll get a therapist-style reply, in which case I'd move on. It seems the only reason you like her is that she's attractive.

[swazzzz]

What makes you think #2?>

 

Mainly because she likes to listen to people talking about her. When I am in therapist mode or when am being encouraging to her, she is all ears but when I want to talk about any other topic like maybe a bit more about herself, she kinda of fades away and gets distracted. When I am talking to her, she almost consciously talks about something else. It is evident that she would absolutely love to talk about her husband and scrutinize every single thing that had happened and hash them out over and over again.

 

Oh I forgot to mention one thing. During dinner she received a phone call. It was not a saved number but she knew the number and she said "why is he calling me". It was her husband. She picked it up which was astonishing and even though she spoke to him only for 15 seconds and her tone to him was full of sarcasm, I couldn't help but feel that she definitely has unresolved feelings for him.

 

I asked her during dinner that what if her husband turns over a new leaf and apologizes for all the issues between them and wants to start afresh, what would she do. She said "no no it is over between us, nothing can get us back again" but upon further pressing, she said "I don't know the answer to that question". Cornering her isn't a good tactic since she invariably changes the topic but I managed to get this much out of her.

 

I also asked her over dessert if she is ready to start dating other men. She said "I don't know". To which I replied "what are we doing right now then?" She blushed/got embarrassed and said "no I did not mean it that way". Now was I supposed to clarify if this was an actual date or was this a free meal and an evening of receiving attention from me?

 

There are obvious red flags here and I know she is not in a dating state of mind, but call me crude and crass, I do want to get with her. I definitely do if not a relationship.

[swazzzz]

It seems the only reason you like her is that she's attractive.

 

I agree 100%. That is the reason. She is gorgeous to stare at and I indulged myself a few times during the evening. She isn't dumb but she seems shallow. Now if this is her true self or she is still mentally unstable, I do not know. But I do want some return on my investment, sorry for the language.

[Vyliss]

I agree with what PegNosePete said, which means this isn't going anywhere good.

 

Plus like you've already said, there are many red flags already. I would start doing the slow fade on her. I suspect she's seeing you out of loneliness and not necessarily because she really likes you.

 

Personally having dated someone who wasn't over their ex, my opinion is if she really liked you her ex would not be an issue. She would still be giddy and excited to talk to you/see you, be attentive on your dates.. she wouldn't be distracted and bored.

 

From my experience, the quickest way to get over an ex is to find someone new to smitten and fall for... if she's still talking about the ex, it means she's definitely not smitten or falling for you.

 

Either way though, does it really matter? You only like her because of her looks anyway

[Miss Spider]

Sounds like you are not that into her, Op, other than her looks and that she pays for some things. Unless you're both looking for a hookup, it's not gonna work

[swazzzz]

Can someone please tell me the steps of "slow fade"?

 

I am moving out of India on the 16th with no definite time frame of coming back. This should be helpful right?

[swazzzz]

Has anyone EVER done a report card on a woman after dating them for 2 weeks? With the idea that you are NEVER going to see them again, you make a report card for them that they can read at their leisure and identify their pros and cons as a human being?

 

Sounds like a therapist right?

[knabe]

Has anyone EVER done a report card on a woman after dating them for 2 weeks? With the idea that you are NEVER going to see them again, you make a report card for them that they can read at their leisure and identify their pros and cons as a human being?

 

Sounds like a therapist right?

 

This is the weirdest, most insulting sounding thing I have heard in a long time. I mean....just no.

 

 

No

[Miss Spider]

Don't slow fade or do a ....report card(what on Earth). Just be an adult and tell her you don't think you're a match sorry

[GemmaUK]

Slow fade or a report card??!! Seriously??

 

Just man up and tell her you aren't interested in taking this any further.

[ThorntonMelon]

Lot of energy for 2 dates.

 

Also, as a report card on you - Worry on the dates whether you actually like them or not. The rest is nonsense for 2 dates.

[swazzzz]

Fair enough. Understood. I am leaving India next Wednesday so I might meet her this weekend but not for too long. I shall do the honorable thing and tell her that she isn't the kind of girl am looking for and that I wish her all the best in her divorce proceedings and her future.

 

It does seem like I came away from this with no gains. I initiated our first conversation as me being the guy with no strings attached. Now I know "no strings attached" has different connotations, but would women generally think a guy would be more assertive and aggressive when they have a no strings tag to them? Like, does she expect me to take the first step and give her a full-blown kiss? I may be horrible at reading subtle indicators from her. And I also feel stupid asking her "can I kiss you"? Thoughts?