Went on a date with a divorced 28 yr old....thoughts?

[rightondude]

Even if the advice is not related to her ex husband? My approach was strictly "go girl, power to you for standing up for yourself, he treated you like you did not exist and you came out of a lifeless marriage in great time because you stood up for yourself". My advice was only on how she should pursue studying for her masters after a gap of 6 years and talking about universities and job prospects etc.

 

But maybe I should hold off on the advice part for now. I should just let her talk to me now and maintain a friendly air from now till Friday?

 

Man what I hate is how you go through this infatuation phase when you go on a first date and you are absolutely smitten by her. It is like I cannot wait to hear from her and I am constantly checking my phone. I am 29 years old but am behaving like a teenager. Any pointers? I so wish she would just call me and tell me just how amazing I am and that she can't wait to see me. Man I could really use a feel-good factor right now

 

Your first statement ("you go girl") is I think, just fine. The advice about the masters, I'd keep that succinct.

 

As hard as it is (no pun intended), I wouldn't say jack until she says something more substantial to you. I have been the recipient from over eager partners and I just wish, "man I don't need this" because it's also pressure on me to come up with some, any, response just to be polite. That doesn't build up feelings, it builds up resentment and finally an escape plan.

 

And I know how you feel, I'm right there with you at age 40. I spend all day dreaming of the next time i get to sex up the girl I'm trying to make something work with now. But I've realized if the feelings I feel are ever gonna materialize on her side, it has to (at least appear) to be her own doing. Which means I'm available just as much as I need to be, but not ever present, not her dad, and not her best buddy always "checkin in!" on her. Leave something to mystery brother.

Edited July 31, 2017 by rightondude

[swazzzz]

Your first statement ("you go girl") is I think, just fine. The advice about the masters, I'd keep that succinct.

 

As hard as it is (no pun intended), I wouldn't say jack until she says something more substantial to you. I have been the recipient from over eager partners and I just wish, "man I don't need this" because it's also pressure on me to come up with some, any, response just to be polite. That doesn't build up feelings, it builds up resentment and finally an escape plan.

 

And I know how you feel, I'm right there with you at age 40. I spend all day dreaming of the next time i get to sex up the girl I'm trying to make something work with now. But I've realized if the feelings I feel are ever gonna materialize on her side, it has to (at least appear) to be her own doing. Which means I'm available just as much as I need to be, but not ever present, not her dad, and not her best buddy always "checkin in!" on her. Leave something to mystery brother.

 

Thanks man! It is now 11:49 pm and it is so hard to resist sending her a goodnight text. But that is also going to be so cheesy. Guess I will play the waiting game. The balls are definitely in her court, hope she bothers to lob at least one back

[coolheadal]

I have been talking to this girl for the past month via instant messaging (we met online) and last night was our first date. During our online chats, she told me that she got married in November 2015 but due to irreconcilable differences, she had to ask for a legal separation and moved back in with her parents in February 2017.

 

I did not ask her if I was her first date after the separation. She is extremely pretty and petite and I was really attracted to her when I saw her first walking towards my Uber. I did the usual things: holding the door open, shook her hand, made small talk. At dinner she spoke about how she met her ex and the circumstances that led to her asking for a separation. I was being a very good listener, evident from the fact that my food finished a lot quicker than her's. She spoke of pain points with her ex and I could not help but empathize with her and even said a few sentences in her support "oh I cannot believe he would say that to you", "Did he really want to dictate the type of clothes you wore to a gym?" etc etc. I really think we had a good connection and even though she did not want to have an alcoholic beverage, she joined me in having a glass of sangria and a rum & coke. On the way home, we spoke as well and it really was a great conversation. It was mainly me doing all the talking (like a counsellor or therapist, telling her that she did the right thing and that she is looking out for herself and her self esteem etc etc). I really wanted to give her a hug at the least though a kiss did cross my mind. But since we were in an Uber, once we reached her place, she said "I had a really good time" and got out of the car. I did not initiate anything else. I did ask her to text me once she got home safe.

 

Once I got home, I texted her if she got home safe. She replied that she did and enquired the same about me. I gave her a call 30 mins later and she seemed to be in good spirits and seemed happy to speak to me. I asked her for a second date the next weekend and she said that she has a family engagement on Saturday which if it falls through, she can see me. I think that was a positive response. We chit chatted a bit after that, I told her that I could feel a genuine chemistry to which she replied "yes.....maybe". I do not want to read too much in to that.

 

Her being a divorcee, makes it a bit complicated. How do women usually feel after they have gone through a divorce? Are they more vulnerable? Are they more prone to making rash decisions and just going out on random dates to bring up their self esteem? If I want to genuinely make a connection with her, do I be a bit more aggressive or do I have to wait till she begins to trust me?

 

You can still see she's still talking about the Ex, so she's not over it 100% yet. The best you can do is take your time with her? Are there any kids involved with her and the Ex. Remember if so you have to consider that too. If not they your should be okay. Do not rush her , but be there for her. Once she can have peace of mind again might take a year or two for her to accept you more than a friend in her mind. You know what the other guy did so you best not make the same mistake. She's damaged now not much you can do about that. Only way is with a good healer to help her find herself again. Reiki Master can provide her that. I remember that because that's what I did and I am 100% stable and now I also Reiki Master I help others who have suffer even worth that me. She needs your support too be there for her. But again give her time to re-cope She's going to need it. Other than that, you can still date her and have fun. Take it slow with her, remember that. Bring her flowers (find out what she like first then bring them) Don't go crazy either. Cook for her, help her around the house and try to make her life a happier one than she had with her Ex. I know you can do it! Good job you know opening up the doors letting women go first is the correct way to be a gentleman! You seem right on track keep that up so more us men know what to do with a woman they are interested in!

[swazzzz]

You can still see she's still talking about the Ex, so she's not over it 100% yet. The best you can do is take your time with her? Are there any kids involved with her and the Ex. Remember if so you have to consider that too. If not they your should be okay. Do not rush her , but be there for her. Once she can have peace of mind again might take a year or two for her to accept you more than a friend in her mind. You know what the other guy did so you best not make the same mistake. She's damaged now not much you can do about that. Only way is with a good healer to help her find herself again. Reiki Master can provide her that. I remember that because that's what I did and I am 100% stable and now I also Reiki Master I help others who have suffer even worth that me. She needs your support too be there for her. But again give her time to re-cope She's going to need it. Other than that, you can still date her and have fun. Take it slow with her, remember that. Bring her flowers (find out what she like first then bring them) Don't go crazy either. Cook for her, help her around the house and try to make her life a happier one than she had with her Ex. I know you can do it! Good job you know opening up the doors letting women go first is the correct way to be a gentleman! You seem right on track keep that up so more us men know what to do with a woman they are interested in!

 

1) She has no kids, she was barely married for a year.

2) I was thinking about getting her flowers but thought that would be overkill and plus if she took flowers back home to her parents, they would definitely have a ton of questions for her.

3) She lives with her parents and am obviously not moving in with her after a first date!!! So cooking, helping around the house is not in scope.

 

Thanks for the good thoughts dude. Much appreciated.

[d0nnivain]

Please listen to SevenCity.

 

Flowers? Are you kidding? Do not do it.

 

You are bombarding this woman. Keep it up & you will turn her off to the point where she considers getting a restraining order.

 

You think you are not being overbearing, persistent & creepy. You are wrong. Back off.

 

She knows how to get in touch with you. If she is not reaching out, there is a reason. Do not message her again. Make other plans for this weekend; you don't have a date with her.

Coolheadal's advice is only relevant once the woman is interested in you too, which here is not yet. You ask to cook for her & she will immediately think you are a sex crazed jerk who only wants one thing. Do continue to be gallant & hold doors when you go out but overall be waaaayyyyy more aloof.

Edited July 31, 2017 by d0nnivain

[SevenCity]

1) She has no kids, she was barely married for a year.

2) I was thinking about getting her flowers but thought that would be overkill and plus if she took flowers back home to her parents, they would definitely have a ton of questions for her.

3) She lives with her parents and am obviously not moving in with her after a first date!!! So cooking, helping around the house is not in scope.

 

Thanks for the good thoughts dude. Much appreciated.

 

Flowers? Cooking for her??? Omg you are a few moves away from a restraining order.

 

She hasn't even agreed to a second date. She is not your girlfriend nor will she ever be if you keep this up. You are in love with this girl after one date and you know nothing about her other than her unresolved troubled past.

 

You are doing the right thing if you want to chase her out of your life and get blocked.

[swazzzz]

Flowers? Cooking for her??? Omg you are a few moves away from a restraining order.

 

She hasn't even agreed to a second date. She is not your girlfriend nor will she ever be if you keep this up. You are in love with this girl after one date and you know nothing about her other than her unresolved troubled past.

 

You are doing the right thing if you want to chase her out of your life and get blocked.

 

Dude I am not doing those things!!! The previous poster wrote those things for me to do for her to which I replied that it is not happening. Relax, am not doing those CREEPY AF things!!

 

I am not in love with her, am just smitten and its just a crush!!

[Miss Spider]

You're analyzing this all way too much. Do you even know if she is still interested?

Edited July 31, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[SevenCity]

Dude I am not doing those things!!! The previous poster wrote those things for me to do for her to which I replied that it is not happening. Relax, am not doing those CREEPY AF things!!

 

I am not in love with her, am just smitten and its just a crush!!

 

I recall reading about you wanting to send flowers and a goodnight text. Regardless you are way too invested. This will turn her off.

 

Don't even think about this girl until she is with you on a second date.

[swazzzz]

I recall reading about you wanting to send flowers and a goodnight text. Regardless you are way too invested. This will turn her off.

 

Don't even think about this girl until she is with you on a second date.

 

Yes that is what I am going to do. She did text me an hour ago, complaining about the verbal part of the GRE exam. I wished her good luck. That is all. I will wait for the next move to be on her part.

 

I am just saying it out loud here because I have a crush on her and I can't even talk to anyone about it. Like I said earlier, it would be brilliant if she would just text me or call me and profess her undying love for her and how badly she wants to sleep with me! Just kidding

[Purepony]

I hate to sound negative but here's my prediction I don't think she's interested and she will just slowly fade away

 

I hope I'm wrong because you sound like a nice guy but I really think you pressed too hard

[Miss Spider]

I hate to sound negative but here's my prediction I don't think she's interested and she will just slowly fade away

 

I hope I'm wrong because you sound like a nice guy but I really think you pressed too hard

 

Agreed, not to mention when one party is so invested so soon in this way, their desperation bleeds through every encounter, turning the other party off. It never bodes well when a person is this analytical in the beginning. Either they have anxiety issues or the other person is lacks interest and it's making them anxious. Either way, it doesn't look good

[d0nnivain]

If she reached out to you that is a positive sign However, since she texted to complain about the GRE that is not so good. . . . You're back in therapist mode. You don't want to be the shoulder she cries on while she's lusting after another guy.

 

Being over eager here is fine. Just be sure to keep a tight reign on what she sees. Overeager is not attractive.

[SevenCity]

If she reached out to you that is a positive sign However, since she texted to complain about the GRE that is not so good. . . . You're back in therapist mode. You don't want to be the shoulder she cries on while she's lusting after another guy.

 

Being over eager here is fine. Just be sure to keep a tight reign on what she sees. Overeager is not attractive.

 

That's just the thing - it's impossible to hide. Any interaction will exude insecurities.

 

Op- Think of it this way, what if you went out with a girl and found her completely unattractive and then she started blowing up your phone like you are doing thinking "I've only sent two messages". What would you think of her?

 

Even if the girl found you attractive you will become butt ugly if you act like this.

 

Get other women who are actually interested in you. You love her and don't even know her - that's lust.

[d0nnivain]

That's just the thing - it's impossible to hide. Any interaction will exude insecurities. .

 

I think some people can vent here & keep a lid on things IRL.

 

I accidently found out before it happened that DH was going to ask me to marry him. I was all atwitter & had a few people from a now defunct message board like this to whom I would gush incessantly. That enabled me to keep my cool around my then BF/now husband.

[SevenCity]

I think some people can vent here & keep a lid on things IRL.

 

I accidently found out before it happened that DH was going to ask me to marry him. I was all atwitter & had a few people from a now defunct message board like this to whom I would gush incessantly. That enabled me to keep my cool around my then BF/now husband.

 

Men are not good at keeping this type of feeling under a lid!

 

But yes, vent the pressure off here / knock one off and chill out OP.

[swazzzz]

I think some people can vent here & keep a lid on things IRL.

 

I accidently found out before it happened that DH was going to ask me to marry him. I was all atwitter & had a few people from a now defunct message board like this to whom I would gush incessantly. That enabled me to keep my cool around my then BF/now husband.

 

Congratulations! He must be a lucky man

[Miss Spider]

I think some people can vent here & keep a lid on things IRL.

 

I accidently found out before it happened that DH was going to ask me to marry him. I was all atwitter & had a few people from a now defunct message board like this to whom I would gush incessantly. That enabled me to keep my cool around my then BF/now husband.

 

being excited about and engagement (!!!!) a bit different than being clearly obsessed with a chick after 1 date but I sure hope you're right in this case.

[swazzzz]

If she reached out to you that is a positive sign However, since she texted to complain about the GRE that is not so good. . . . You're back in therapist mode. You don't want to be the shoulder she cries on while she's lusting after another guy.

 

Being over eager here is fine. Just be sure to keep a tight reign on what she sees. Overeager is not attractive.

 

I have just woken up, it is 10:50 AM here. My goal for the day is to not text her or give her a call and "try" and play it cool. I really do want to vent here so that good-natured folks like you can beat the **** out of me/counsel me. Trust me I find this extremely helpful because this at least gives me an outlet to let out my frustrations.

 

I do have to admit that after reading all of your posts, I am a bit worried that I may have misinterpreted a few things. Did she like how I looked when she saw me for the first time in real? Did I seem over-eager? Did she appreciate me egging her on to talk about her past? Did I seem too over-eager for a second date? Did I go out on a limb and give her way too much of "get your self-esteem back" kind of advice? Did I volunteer to give her too much of masters in the US advice?

 

It is incredible when you share with other people and you get different perspectives. Being infatuated only makes you see what you want to see. But this is like a multi-dimensional being. And you folks are my sounding boards. So thank you very much!!!

 

I did think that her being a divorcee and being emotionally vulnerable, if I was a good listener and a pseudo-therapist, she would be attracted to me. Is that completely incorrect?

 

Last but not the least, do I now go into no-contact mode?

[Justanaverageguy]

Divorcing or not she has clearly come out the other side of a controlling and likely emotionally abusive relationship and not long ago if she only moved out in February.

 

I have no issue at all learning some about a date's past relationships as it gives me a better idea of the person.

It doesn't sound like she was saying what a great guy he was but also from your post it doesn't sound like she was name calling (?).

 

I would say whether she came out of an emotionally abusive relationship is completely unknown. When someone initiates a divorce which may simply be due to the fact they are no longer in love with the partner anymore - they need to make excuses as to why. With women this tends to be doubly so because rightly or wrongly society generally puts a different standard on women and they feel the need to justify why they are a divorcee. Thus blame and horrible stories are frequently attributed to the ex to make it seem justified. This is just how it works - talk to some female divrocees and see if you can find one who says nice things about their ex straight after the divorce

 

Not saying exactly what happened I'm just saying after one conversation with any recent divorcee take anything they say about their past relationship with a very large heaping of salt especially when the marriage lasted less then a year. Clearly thats not your typical growing apart scenario.

Edited August 1, 2017 by Justanaverageguy

[swazzzz]

I would say whether she came out of an emotionally abusive relationship is completely unknown. When someone initiates a divorce which may simply be due to the fact they are no longer in love with the partner anymore - they need to make excuses as to why. With women this tends to be doubly so because rightly or wrongly society generally puts a different standard on women and they feel the need to justify why they are a divorcee. Thus blame and horrible stories are frequently attributed to the ex to make it seem justified. This is just how it works - talk to some female divrocees and see if you can find one who says nice things about their ex straight after the divorce

 

Not saying exactly what happened I'm just saying after one conversation with any recent divorcee take anything they say about their past relationship with a very large heaping of salt especially when the marriage lasted less then a year. Clearly thats not your typical growing apart scenario.

 

You have a point but she came out of the marriage because it became a lifeless one. Her husband would not give her the attention that she craved. He did his husband duties that a husband should do but he did it as a duty and not because he loved his wife. He was such a traditionalist that he had problems with her wearing certain outfits, going out and having a beer or just listening to basic pop music in the house. But when the 2 were dating for a few months, at that time the guy was all about these liberties. "I love what you wear, you are so modern and stylish, I love the fact that you go out with friends and let your hair down". It is like she married a 70 year old ultra-conservative man. These are the reasons that she could not stand and had to get out of the marriage.

 

It is so damn difficult to not give her a call while she is at work right now and just say a "hi". How do we know when to call and when not to call? Don't women sometimes want the attention of a man? Why do we try to be aloof about it when women want guys swooning over them? It is a conundrum for me, believe it.

[guest569]

Calm down. You want to be a therapist to a woman you met once. Why????

 

calling her 30 min after your first date and talking chemistry is a bit much. I would have ran if I was her.

 

Why all this analysis over a woman you have just met? It's kinda scary

[PegNosePete]

You have a point but she came out of the marriage because it became a lifeless one. Her husband would not give her the attention that she craved. He did his husband duties that a husband should do but he did it as a duty and not because he loved his wife. He was such a traditionalist that he had problems with her wearing certain outfits, going out and having a beer or just listening to basic pop music in the house. But when the 2 were dating for a few months, at that time the guy was all about these liberties. "I love what you wear, you are so modern and stylish, I love the fact that you go out with friends and let your hair down". It is like she married a 70 year old ultra-conservative man. These are the reasons that she could not stand and had to get out of the marriage.

Remember you're only hearing 1 side of the story. His side could be (and probably is) very different.

 

But on the next date (if you get one), if/when she mentions her husband, I would say "I'd rather talk about our future than your past".

 

It is so damn difficult to not give her a call while she is at work right now and just say a "hi". How do we know when to call and when not to call?

Not when she's at work!!!

[swazzzz]

Remember you're only hearing 1 side of the story. His side could be (and probably is) very different.

 

But on the next date (if you get one), if/when she mentions her husband, I would say "I'd rather talk about our future than your past".

 

 

Not when she's at work!!!

 

I think mentioning 'our future' would freak her out even further. I will just direct the conversation towards her and talk about her as a person.

 

She just texted me asking where am I. Means she was expecting me to text or call. What's the play now?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I did think that her being a divorcee and being emotionally vulnerable, if I was a good listener and a pseudo-therapist, she would be attracted to me. Is that completely incorrect?

 

 

This is being manipulative on your part.