Author varicose Posted July 30, 2017 Author Posted July 30, 2017 What does "it seemed like we were heading toward exclusivity." mean. Unless there was a conversation and both parties agreed to it, then you are just making assumptions. Dating for a month isnt necessarily long enough for exclusivity, tho for some it might be. Obviously for him, its not. Talking on the phone every day, convos for hours, spending weekends together, calling me right away to confide in me when something bad happened... these are not things I have experienced with "casual" guys before.
Bastile Posted July 30, 2017 Posted July 30, 2017 If he is talking to you every day he must also be talking to others on a daily basis as well. Otherwise he wouldn't be going on a date. I doubt it. If he is giving you weekends, and messaging you each day, then you are (were?) his stable plate. The other girl is adventure sex. Do you think I'll hear from him again? My money would be on yes. 2
rightondude Posted July 30, 2017 Posted July 30, 2017 I think the guy, like all guys (or like everyone) wanted his cake and to eat it too. Things were great, so why change anything? If it had been you who had the date and told him about it, I kinda think the reaction from his part would have been similar to yours. Let him go make his decision and don't stop living your life waiting around. If he comes around and realizes he let a good one go, and if you feel like picking up, do it, but don't sit around waiting. 3
Author varicose Posted July 30, 2017 Author Posted July 30, 2017 He is not that into you. Obvious! What about his reaction makes you say that?
basil67 Posted July 30, 2017 Posted July 30, 2017 What about his reaction makes you say that? I know I'm answering for Fred....but it's because he hasn't locked you down. Compare it to shopping. There is a terrific pair of shoes on the stand. They are the only ones left. Do you leave them there and risk someone else coming along to buy them? Or do you grab them while they are available? 3
stillafool Posted July 30, 2017 Posted July 30, 2017 I doubt it. If he is giving you weekends, and messaging you each day, then you are (were?) his stable plate. The other girl is adventure sex. My money would be on yes. If the other girl were just a booty call I doubt he would have even mentioned it. To tell a girl who you are interested in that you have a date with another woman is risking losing her. I think this date is important to him and by telling the OP about it was warning her that she has competition.
stillafool Posted July 30, 2017 Posted July 30, 2017 What about his reaction makes you say that? I would say it's because he told you he had a date with another woman. He wasn't afraid of losing you. 5
Author varicose Posted July 30, 2017 Author Posted July 30, 2017 I would say it's because he told you he had a date with another woman. He wasn't afraid of losing you. That only came out after I pressed him for it: "Are you going on a date?" Didn't come out right away.
central Posted July 30, 2017 Posted July 30, 2017 I'd be reluctant to "lock down" anyone before a couple of months of dating. That's doubly true if I don't have a lot of dating experience, or have made poor relationship choices, or have recently gotten out of a relationship. Taking some time to be sure about exclusivity is smart. Having a basis for comparison is smart. Rushing into things isn't smart, even if I think/feel someone is a good LTR match. Not leading them on by saying they are before I'm sure is also smart. Give things at least 2 months - by then, you should both know if you want to be exclusive and continue to see where things go. (In situations where you don't see each other much, or talk much - not the case here - then even longer is reasonable.) 3
joseb Posted July 30, 2017 Posted July 30, 2017 If the other girl were just a booty call I doubt he would have even mentioned it. To tell a girl who you are interested in that you have a date with another woman is risking losing her. I think this date is important to him and by telling the OP about it was warning her that she has competition. So he should have lied when she asked and asked if it was a date? In that situation I would have told the truth too. There's a difference between not mentioning dating others so as not to rub their noises in it, and being an out and out liar about it. Yes, it does mean he's not sure about op and is keeping his options open. And maybe that's a good enough reason for her to move on. 3
Author varicose Posted July 30, 2017 Author Posted July 30, 2017 I'd be reluctant to "lock down" anyone before a couple of months of dating. That's doubly true if I don't have a lot of dating experience, or have made poor relationship choices, or have recently gotten out of a relationship. Taking some time to be sure about exclusivity is smart. Having a basis for comparison is smart. Rushing into things isn't smart, even if I think/feel someone is a good LTR match. Not leading them on by saying they are before I'm sure is also smart. Give things at least 2 months - by then, you should both know if you want to be exclusive and continue to see where things go. (In situations where you don't see each other much, or talk much - not the case here - then even longer is reasonable.) I get that what he's doing is smart. I'd do it too. But we weren't far from the two-month mark, and this talk unexpectedly came up. He saw how upset I was and didn't change his plans.
Miss Spider Posted July 30, 2017 Posted July 30, 2017 . He was the one hinting at nonexclusivity which prompted you to ask. But that is a red herring. If he cared about losing you, how upset you were, he wouldnt have gone on date. He cares more about his prospect with this other girl than losing you. Op's are gonna op and try anyway. 1
spiderowl Posted July 30, 2017 Posted July 30, 2017 He is asserting his right to date someone else at this point. It does mean he is not certain about you or possibly anyone. If someone tries to make you exclusive when you are not certain, they will be seen as pressuring. Crying is pressuring (though I'm sure it is a natural reaction for you too). Lots of what you have said about this guy suggests he really likes your company. You have been out on dates with him and he has spent a lot of time and shared a lot with you. This is all good. If he is not ready to be exclusive though, then you don't know why. It could be he hasn't realised himself you are the one he wants or that there is someone else he has a crush on. I think at this point, what you need to do is to ensure he respects you. Do not date him any longer without exclusivity. Do not give him lots of your time or contact him yourself. Let him do the work; he is the one who wants to be 'free' to date others. Make yourself a scarce and valuable person and he will start seeing you like that. If his heart is set on someone else, nothing you do will change his mind. If he is just in the 'freedom' stage, then he may well start to miss you. If you keep yourself remote from him as long as he has nothing better to offer you than to be one of his harem, then eventually he may realise what he has lost and come looking for you. Don't rush back though, make sure he is offering you exclusivity because that is what you want. If you accept anything less, you will lose his respect and, ultimately, him. 3
preraph Posted July 30, 2017 Posted July 30, 2017 I think he did value it, but to him apparently it didn't mean we're together. He even said, when we were fighting, how much he enjoys talking to me and hanging out with me. I can see that he does. He calls me just to talk, sometimes even if he's seeing me that night. It's so weird. I wonder if it's an ex he's seeing. Do you think it's on him to reach out again then? Look, what he wants right now is to have more than one woman. He may or may not be looking for the right one. He may be looking for the right one, or he may be looking for the right two...or three or however many will consent to him having other girlfriends. You've already broke up, so I think you should leave it alone because otherwise you are consenting to him seeing other women -- and the danger there is how long do you sit still for it and can you not get invested (no - you already are) and also he knows you'll put up with it, so if it does turn out he's a serial dater, it's as if you've given consent and it could go on way too long or forever. 4
stillafool Posted July 30, 2017 Posted July 30, 2017 So he should have lied when she asked and asked if it was a date? This is the first time I heard that she asked him several times for the info. I agree if she is bold enough to ask I would tell her the truth also. Most guys don't take booty calls on dates. They get the late night drunk call. 1
Versacehottie Posted July 30, 2017 Posted July 30, 2017 He said that he assumed I was dating others too, and played down our relationship even though by all normal metrics it seemed like we were heading toward exclusivity. He said he wants to take time in making the right decision on a partner bc the next one could be "it." Later on I found out his ex had been in touch too, so I wonder if it's her. He did go on about how much fun we were having and how he wanted it to continue, but I was really upset and started crying that he wouldn't cancel the date. Do you think I'll hear from him again? ok, you need to stop the crying and let him know--when he contacts you--that you had a chance to think about it and yeah maybe 1.5 month was a little too soon to be exclusive and you are ok with it for now AND think that dating others as well is the best thing for YOU. It's very important that you send off the vibe that you've reconsidered and dating around will be BEST FOR YOU not that "you are willing to do anything to keep him in your life, including lowering standards that you just dramatically put on the table. I do think that for some guys 1.5 months might be a bit too soon to really have that answer. My friend's boyfriend who is absolutely devoted balked at giving an answer at around this time frame and she is a bombshell and has guys knocking each other over to be with her. She was shocked and kinda freaked out but hung in there somehow and they are steadily together. Oh and then if you do take this advice about saying you have considered it and fine to date others, then DO IT. Honestly, this is key. And create a bit of distance. He is not your boyfriend so don't give him that allowance or consideration in your life. Be busy, treat him casual. See if he steps up; in meantime, cover your bases. This plan is not for the weak--however, i'd advise that in relationships not everything is going to go your way as a measure of love--to believe that is silly. And to keep shutting people out is not a good solution all the time. I can't tell if this guy deserves it or not--I'm sure time will tell. Some guys dig their heels in when you are pressuring them. I met a really cool older lady whose husband had recently died one night at a restaurant and we started talking and she told me their love story. She told me that she moved in with him temporarily due to her needing a place to live for a short period. Everything was going very well but when she brought up taking it to the next step and making that live-in situation permanent, he dug his heels and said no. She was shocked but kept her emotions grounded. The next weekend he had a guys fishing trip or something like that and all was well and loving. She bought a ton of newspapers and had them all over the apartment with circled apartments of where she could move and that's the sight he came home to. She said he got all ruffled and asked what all that was and she calmly and happily told him she'd spent the weekend looking at apartment choices. He got super quiet and kinda shut down. And she said within the next couple of days he asked her to move in for real and they got married shortly afterward. Sometimes you just have to let them back themselves into a corner and stay happy and let them see what they will be missing. Show them you are moving forward. Only you really know at this point if you think something is genuinely there between you two and you can manage yourself by taking this riskier way. I actually really think it's riskier in some ways and that in others it's riskier to shut yourself off from experiences and run away like guys are out to hurt you. They can't do that if you don't let them and there's no guarantee that running away won't hurt either. Good luck 4
Author varicose Posted July 31, 2017 Author Posted July 31, 2017 ok, you need to stop the crying and let him know--when he contacts you--that you had a chance to think about it and yeah maybe 1.5 month was a little too soon to be exclusive and you are ok with it for now AND think that dating others as well is the best thing for YOU. It's very important that you send off the vibe that you've reconsidered and dating around will be BEST FOR YOU not that "you are willing to do anything to keep him in your life, including lowering standards that you just dramatically put on the table. I do think that for some guys 1.5 months might be a bit too soon to really have that answer. My friend's boyfriend who is absolutely devoted balked at giving an answer at around this time frame and she is a bombshell and has guys knocking each other over to be with her. She was shocked and kinda freaked out but hung in there somehow and they are steadily together. Oh and then if you do take this advice about saying you have considered it and fine to date others, then DO IT. Honestly, this is key. And create a bit of distance. He is not your boyfriend so don't give him that allowance or consideration in your life. Be busy, treat him casual. See if he steps up; in meantime, cover your bases. This plan is not for the weak--however, i'd advise that in relationships not everything is going to go your way as a measure of love--to believe that is silly. And to keep shutting people out is not a good solution all the time. I can't tell if this guy deserves it or not--I'm sure time will tell. Some guys dig their heels in when you are pressuring them. I met a really cool older lady whose husband had recently died one night at a restaurant and we started talking and she told me their love story. She told me that she moved in with him temporarily due to her needing a place to live for a short period. Everything was going very well but when she brought up taking it to the next step and making that live-in situation permanent, he dug his heels and said no. She was shocked but kept her emotions grounded. The next weekend he had a guys fishing trip or something like that and all was well and loving. She bought a ton of newspapers and had them all over the apartment with circled apartments of where she could move and that's the sight he came home to. She said he got all ruffled and asked what all that was and she calmly and happily told him she'd spent the weekend looking at apartment choices. He got super quiet and kinda shut down. And she said within the next couple of days he asked her to move in for real and they got married shortly afterward. Sometimes you just have to let them back themselves into a corner and stay happy and let them see what they will be missing. Show them you are moving forward. Only you really know at this point if you think something is genuinely there between you two and you can manage yourself by taking this riskier way. I actually really think it's riskier in some ways and that in others it's riskier to shut yourself off from experiences and run away like guys are out to hurt you. They can't do that if you don't let them and there's no guarantee that running away won't hurt either. Good luck Thank you for all the advice. But what do I do if I don't hear from him? Should I contact him after a while? We did have something good.
Versacehottie Posted July 31, 2017 Posted July 31, 2017 Thank you for all the advice. But what do I do if I don't hear from him? Should I contact him after a while? We did have something good. Honestly, if I were in your shoes I wouldn't contact him. If it was truly good, he will think of a reason to contact you. That's almost 99% guarantee. He may be just as baffled and disappointed that he stuck his ground. In any way, it's a test of sorts and setting up of patterns that if you DO end up together that you won't want to ingrain, i.e. groveling, showing that your standards are completely bendable. It's basically the gateway drug to mistreatment and being taken for granted. IMO, you just have to trust that he will contact. I know in some ways you are trying to "manage" this whole thing (and "push" it forward). That is really your first mistake and may be why you are facing reluctance from him. You need to change your mindset. No worries to control the situation or him. No groveling or disguised groveling. Let him worry that you are out there enjoying your newfound freedom as you should be. As I see it, you just got another free couple of months to date around. Yay! I know I sound crazy saying these last sentences but if he's "it" maybe a last hurrah will do you some good, especially since he is wavering. There is really nothing worse to the self-esteem than a wavering guy. *ps I almost always advise doing what you can to build up your self-esteem, confidence and other interests during this time off from him and before whoever is next (even if it is him). I always think there are two parts to every relationship problem and shoring yourself up in these areas may prevent you getting into this situation again. I tend to think, for women, that if your confidence and self-esteem is high and you have significant interests, other than finding a guy, one really wouldn't be so fazed by an answer such as his. They keep it moving, either KNOWING something better will be right along, not so invested because they have other important things in their life or knowing at the back of their mind with a little chuckle that he will be back. Honestly, 1.5 months in IS a little early for some (man or woman). So you made a misstep and spoke up too soon? Doesn't mean things are doomed (that is yet to be seen unless there are other things you haven't shared). Also his response wasn't the best. It's fine to dig your heels in but to keep saying that he is going on the date is a bit cruel (maybe you were demanding that answer so I'm not sure how that part went down). Idk, wouldn't that cause you to step back and re-evaluate if YOU want to be exclusive with HIM?? We are always learning about people and a relationship (and you do have one even if it's not defined) is fluid. Frankly, you need to change your attitude/POV that maybe his response has caused you to re-think wanting exclusivity with him. Rather than be desperate to hang onto him. Make sense? Don't rush in. And when someone balks that you did, don't push forward, pull back. The stories can have a ton of different details but the right thing to do, seems to almost always be that very same thing. The biggest turnoff at this point would be to be clingy. NO CLINGY! i.e. be confident, don't contact him. Live your life. If you bump into him that's fine. I take it this is an internet guy sooooooo maybe there is not much chance of that. Good luck 2
Author varicose Posted July 31, 2017 Author Posted July 31, 2017 I know in some ways you are trying to "manage" this whole thing (and "push" it forward). That is really your first mistake and may be why you are facing reluctance from him. You need to change your mindset. No worries to control the situation or him. No groveling or disguised groveling. Let him worry that you are out there enjoying your newfound freedom as you should be. As I see it, you just got another free couple of months to date around. Yay! I know I sound crazy saying these last sentences but if he's "it" maybe a last hurrah will do you some good, especially since he is wavering. There is really nothing worse to the self-esteem than a wavering guy. Yes, as usual I'm trying to manage the situation. I'm sad because we had a really good time and he said so himself. If this convo had gone differently or if I was aware of the "casual" status beforehand then I'd be open to hanging out casually a bit longer. But I was really blindsided. And his reaction was pretty cold. I'm turned off, for sure, but somehow still want things to continue. Now that I know the situation I can date around too.
elaine567 Posted July 31, 2017 Posted July 31, 2017 Yes, as usual I'm trying to manage the situation. I'm sad because we had a really good time and he said so himself. If this convo had gone differently or if I was aware of the "casual" status beforehand then I'd be open to hanging out casually a bit longer. But I was really blindsided. And his reaction was pretty cold. I'm turned off, for sure, but somehow still want things to continue. Now that I know the situation I can date around too. Ok, but you were not the one that ruined it, he did that by going on a date with another woman. Yes you can date around too but what good will that do you if you are just seeing other guys to even the score with this guy? He is not suddenly go to go "OMG she is seeing other guys I must stop what I am doing here and lock her down", no he is probably going to go "Ugh!...sleeping with other guys...Pass." IF he really was having a great time with you, do you really think after 6 weeks he would be setting up dates with other women? He is either looking for a relationship and you are not suitable so he keeps looking or he is not looking for a relationship and his aim is to sleep with as many women as possible under the guise of acting "boyfriendy" for weeks. Neither is good news for you. 3
hippychick3 Posted July 31, 2017 Posted July 31, 2017 After a month and a half of dating, most guys know if they want to focus on that one person or move on. If someone I was dating for that period of time went on a date with someone else, I'd be gone so fast his head would spin. He may not want the gf/bf "label" that soon, but an interested guy will want to spend all his available "dating" time dating that one girl. Sorry, OP. Focus on moving forward, taking care of yourself, and dating other men. This one is just not interested enough for you to waste any more energy on. Do not contact him. 2
Versacehottie Posted July 31, 2017 Posted July 31, 2017 Yes, as usual I'm trying to manage the situation. I'm sad because we had a really good time and he said so himself. If this convo had gone differently or if I was aware of the "casual" status beforehand then I'd be open to hanging out casually a bit longer. But I was really blindsided. And his reaction was pretty cold. I'm turned off, for sure, but somehow still want things to continue. Now that I know the situation I can date around too. I am always somewhat surprised when I hear people say but he told me this and that and if he'd told me upfront. Huh? It's a fluid thing a relationship. People's feelings change based on info they are gathering along the way about you (and sometimes even external events). I would never put all my faith in a few sentences of assurance a guy said in first weeks of dating (or really at any time). You have to look at the whole picture. People say one thing and do another. Shades of grey, not black and white. Same with telling you and sticking by what they say they want up front. What does a guy (or anyone) get only one chance to say what they are looking for and have to stick by it as if it was a contract from the first moment you guys lay eyes on each other (or even before that on a profile). People are going to say what you want to hear to get their foot in the door. I wouldn't take the negative view that it's dishonest (well most of the time I wouldn't do that) but put the responsibility on myself to see if what someone says matches with what he/she does, knowing things evolve and we can both be hopeful of a "looking for long term relationship" claim but that neither you or he are obligated to that. What if you weren't feeling it in spite of initial attraction (or not) or him doing everything right? "Blindsided" just means that you really didn't have a handle on who this guy was yet or where you stood with each other. That sounds normal for only 1.5 month of dating. I mean lots of people wouldn't. Maybe I missed it but how many dates was that exactly? Sometimes I think girls present their stories like they were victimized when maybe they need to take things more with a grain of salt and not jump all in OR believe black and white fantasies that if he really liked me, he'd do xyz and jump over the moon. I'm not saying his behavior is fine only that maybe you guys really didn't have enough there yet. OR/AND also maybe your eyes weren't open enough. You have to be your own best advocate. Hoping for what you want with him is different than seeing what is going on and what stage you guys are in at the moment. I don't think guys are as players as they are made out to be on this site. I also don't think girls manage the beginning as well as they could and just want to jump to negative stereotypes of guys, leading to bitterness and more cutting guys off out of fear. If you rush in (typically a girl behavior), people (typically guys) get skittish. Who wouldn't? Rushing in doesn't match where a couple may be yet, only the hopes and fears and insecurity of one of the two. I think you misread the signs possibly. That said, his reaction was not great/cold. A relationships is not in a bubble and like hippiechick said, I would weigh this part heavily. I don't know if it would mean I was out for good because I don't think we on this thread have all the facts, mainly like how reasonable that exclusivity was being asked for a mutually reasonable time? Part of "managing" your situation includes drawing the line. If you went out 6 times and that's your line that he should absolutely "know" by then, well then there you have it and shouldn't be conflicted or more accurately that you are not the type of person to stick around until his feelings catch up to yours or your timeline. I think having a framework of what some of your ideas on this kind of stuff would be as it would apply to any guy in your mind and then also let some of the factors influence a little flexibility into your framework. After all, relationships are two-sided and fluid. *ps i also meant to say that next time you have a potentially relationship-altering situation like you did the other night with this guy, maybe hold back on whatever your declaration will be for a day or two. You can always decide that whatever he has decided doesn't work for you and pull the plug but it's hard to go back from an emotional outburst where you back yourself into a corner. Just say, that you're not happy with whatever he said and you're going to give it some thought. That is not a "powerless" move, it's smart and you can "change" your mind at any time because you haven't committed to any path. Give yourself a day or two to feel sad and then keep moving. You can't be so invested at this point that a guy who's only been in your life a month and a half, messes up your mojo. Good luck 1
smackie9 Posted July 31, 2017 Posted July 31, 2017 He's been leading you on for his own benefit and not yours.....dump this chump. 1
Recommended Posts