Question about this guy.

[lovenlife]

Ok so been talking to this guy for over a month now, and at first I put him on the back burner...wasn't overly interested but we kept talking. Met, he was cute, but he was kinda shy. Come to find out, he admitted that he didn't think I was into him. So then a couple weeks later we spent more time together, and have been seeing each other one or twice a week. He's even just met me for like 10 minutes of chat and to buy me a coffee.

 

He IS separated from his X [here you have to be separated for 1 year, he has like 5 more months to go] they don't live together, etc. But obviously that's a lot, and I got out of a 10 year abusive relationship.

 

We do connect, both emotionally and and sexually. We will vent to each other about stuff, etc. But there's also a lot of attraction. I opened up to him and said maybe we shouldn't see each other [i'd feel him pull back]. and he said he still wants to be friends. that he isn't in a position to be in a relationship yet.

 

But he says he still wants to see me, and wants to hangout with me. AKA he doesn't wanna completely lose me. But I don't wanna be strung along and be some last option later down the road -- IF at all. So he seemed like he would be OK with just being friends and kinda talking less...but last night i get a text at 11 at night saying "Just wanted to let you know, you got me hooked on this TV show lol" and then he'll go on my instagram and like every I post! What in the world? So he seems to be making sure hes on my mind. He will ALWAYS find a way to pop up to me, whether it is social media or a little text.

 

I have NO idea how we will be "just friends" because of the intense sexual chemistry, but i mean we do really have some great talks and we are comfortable with each other. He honestly treats me pretty nice, and he is respectful as well. Also when we hangout we are really affectionate towards each other

 

So....is there any hope here? I mean he did say not in a position for a relationship YET, so idk. Or am I REALLY being friend zoned?

[d0nnivain]

I think you are being friend-zoned.

 

If you want to be his friend, do so.

 

If you don't want to be just friends, tell him that you feel chemistry & that you'd like to try a relationship. Do state that you understand that he has said he doesn't want anything serious because now in the throws of his divorce is not a good time for him but you want to try. I suspect the timing is an excuse because he's afraid. You were at best lukewarm in the beginning & he doesn't want to get hurt. If you don't want to be just his friend, you are going your separate ways anyway so you have nothing to lose by risking rejection.

[act00]

I'm a little lost. It sounds like you don't want to pursue anything serious, but he does?? So you say you shouldn't go out anymore, and he wants to maintain? It sounds like you haven't really dated, kissed, or had sex recently, but you maintain a high level of affection and touching - mixed signals. Either be friends or don't.

 

Do you touch and show high levels of affection like that to your other friends or family? As a girlfriend, if your guy was touching women in such a manner, how well do you think that would go over as "just friends?" How would he perceive you touching guy friends in such a way? The answer to that is "just friends" don't do that, and it wouldn't go over well.

 

I don't know if you want casual or he wants casual or if you're on the same page or not. If you want casual, you're going to get this odd mixed signal situation where no one knows what anyone is doing/feeling - too close, not close enough, touch, don't touch, sex, no sex, see other people, be okay with it? If you wan't serious and he doesn't, you're really not in a good place relationship-wise, and either completely cut it off or accept the relationship as it stands.

 

You say you don't want to be strung along, so is he the one that wants casual while you want serious? Is that the reason you tried to break up?

 

He is definitely keeping his presence known.

 

I think outside of completely cutting off this relationship entirely, if you want to maintain a friendship, there shall be no more touching. High affection is mixed signals, and you need to create boundaries. You treat him like any other buddy, and don't get affectionate outside of social norms. Either you accept the friendship and treat it as such or move on.

Edited July 30, 2017 by act00

[divegrl]

Hi my friend!

 

I would let this one go. What he is really saying is "I'm not ready for a relationship with YOU yet."

 

There are so many AMAZING men out there. Don't get hung up on this one guy!

 

Good luck!!!

[lovenlife]

I'm a little lost. It sounds like you don't want to pursue anything serious, but he does?? So you say you shouldn't go out anymore, and he wants to maintain? It sounds like you haven't really dated, kissed, or had sex recently, but you maintain a high level of affection and touching - mixed signals. Either be friends or don't.

 

Do you touch and show high levels of affection like that to your other friends or family? As a girlfriend, if your guy was touching women in such a manner, how well do you think that would go over as "just friends?" How would he perceive you touching guy friends in such a way? The answer to that is "just friends" don't do that, and it wouldn't go over well.

 

I don't know if you want casual or he wants casual or if you're on the same page or not. If you want casual, you're going to get this odd mixed signal situation where no one knows what anyone is doing/feeling - too close, not close enough, touch, don't touch, sex, no sex, see other people, be okay with it? If you wan't serious and he doesn't, you're really not in a good place relationship-wise, and either completely cut it off or accept the relationship as it stands.

 

You say you don't want to be strung along, so is he the one that wants casual while you want serious? Is that the reason you tried to break up?

 

He is definitely keeping his presence known.

 

I think outside of completely cutting off this relationship entirely, if you want to maintain a friendship, there shall be no more touching. High affection is mixed signals, and you need to create boundaries. You treat him like any other buddy, and don't get affectionate outside of social norms. Either you accept the friendship and treat it as such or move on.

 

 

 

He doesnt seem to wanna pursue anything serious. i think he was feeling more and more that I liked him and it may have scared him. he admitted to me that he liked me as well. we just had sex like 2 days ago..

 

But i feel him pulling away So I asked if we should stop seeing each other. N he said "Id still wanna be friends, i like hanging out with you and being around you"

 

He said it quite a few times when I had mentioned things. So yesterday when we established that....he went quiet. Then text me at 11 at night mentioning how i got him hooked on that TV show. then went on instagram and liked all my stuff .

 

and then this AM i sent him a picture asking for friendly advice, lipstickor no lipstick. he replied quickly with "Beautiful" "Now you wear red!" (he loves the color red)

 

ANd I said thanks..im trying to look cute today.

 

ANd he says "You have no problem doing that ;)"

 

So....i feel he is still flirting. Its kinda like maybe he half wants me, but then pulls away. And now we are apparently friends. I definitely think no more staying at his house, kissing, etc. or drinking together.

 

SO i guess time will tell if he actually even asks me to hangout? Idk how long to give himt o see?

[Miss Spider]

You are stringing yourself along, girl! His interest is extremely low. When you called him out for "pulling away" (= lack of interest), the ideal would be for him to say : "Aw naw, baby, I've just been distancing myself because I'm just confused about these strong feelings I have for you. I don't wanna get hurt. Be my gf?"

 

In reality, he has not even have the enthusiasm to muster an excuse to string you along, but he will let you do it yourself. So after you said you felt uncertain about if you should keep seeing each other bc of the pullback, he basically said " IDGAF, that's cool. You're not getting anything more out of me, but I mean I'd still like to be friends. I mean we can hang out and chill and maybe I'll get some more play out of this"

 

Run.

Edited July 30, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[lovenlife]

You are stringing yourself along, girl! His interest is extremely low. When you called him out for "pulling away" (= lack of interest), the ideal would be for him to say : "Aw naw, baby, I've just been distancing myself because I'm just confused about these strong feelings I have for you. I don't wanna get hurt. Be my gf?"

 

In reality, he has not even have the enthusiasm to muster an excuse to string you along, but he will let you do it yourself. So after you said you felt uncertain about if you should keep seeing each other bc of the pullback, he basically said " IDGAF, that's cool. You're not getting anything more out of me, but I mean I'd still like to be friends. And you can come over and chill and maybe I'll get some more play out of this?"

 

Run.

 

Oh wow, even after he initiates the contact? Is that why he is keeping me around, possibility of sex? He admitted to me he likes me, and thinks im beautiful and enjoys being around me etc.

 

So that sucks. Is it possible to be friends? He is a really nice guy, and we do get along nice. So if we were friends -- we could definitely have fun together without the touching

[Miss Spider]

Oh wow, even after he initiates the contact? Is that why he is keeping me around, possibility of sex? He admitted to me he likes me, and thinks im beautiful and enjoys being around me etc.

 

So that sucks. Is it possible to be friends? He is a really nice guy, and we do get along nice. So if we were friends -- we could definitely have fun together without the touching

 

He probably likes you and enjoys being around you and you are beautiful, he just doesn't want anything more than very casual

 

Theoretically, it is possible to be friends. But that's tough when you have feelings for someone. And remember friends don't flirt or have sex. I do wonder how long he will stick around as a "friend" with that taken out of the equation. But I suppose you can try.

[coolheadal]

Ok so been talking to this guy for over a month now, and at first I put him on the back burner...wasn't overly interested but we kept talking. Met, he was cute, but he was kinda shy. Come to find out, he admitted that he didn't think I was into him. So then a couple weeks later we spent more time together, and have been seeing each other one or twice a week. He's even just met me for like 10 minutes of chat and to buy me a coffee.

 

He IS separated from his X [here you have to be separated for 1 year, he has like 5 more months to go] they don't live together, etc. But obviously that's a lot, and I got out of a 10 year abusive relationship.

 

We do connect, both emotionally and and sexually. We will vent to each other about stuff, etc. But there's also a lot of attraction. I opened up to him and said maybe we shouldn't see each other [i'd feel him pull back]. and he said he still wants to be friends. that he isn't in a position to be in a relationship yet.

 

But he says he still wants to see me, and wants to hangout with me. AKA he doesn't wanna completely lose me. But I don't wanna be strung along and be some last option later down the road -- IF at all. So he seemed like he would be OK with just being friends and kinda talking less...but last night i get a text at 11 at night saying "Just wanted to let you know, you got me hooked on this TV show lol" and then he'll go on my instagram and like every I post! What in the world? So he seems to be making sure hes on my mind. He will ALWAYS find a way to pop up to me, whether it is social media or a little text.

 

I have NO idea how we will be "just friends" because of the intense sexual chemistry, but i mean we do really have some great talks and we are comfortable with each other. He honestly treats me pretty nice, and he is respectful as well. Also when we hangout we are really affectionate towards each other

 

So....is there any hope here? I mean he did say not in a position for a relationship YET, so idk. Or am I REALLY being friend zoned?

 

Your a matter of convenience when it suits him he calls about you. Why are you settle for this type of nothing. Go find a real man who can be more than just friends. You were in 10 year abusive relationship are you completely stable to be in another long term relationship? You have to deal with those horrors first. He's only 5 months in being away from his Ex. Really some good healing from professional master of healing can solve so many mental emotional issues. Free you from the past pain.

 

Anyway listen to what he told you your friends only nothing else, sounds like you have some extra features that put in a bf and gf status. Not what you want but you allow it to continue. Hangout what does that mean to you. Does that mean dating or does it just mean hanging out with your buddy at the mall.

[Zahara]

Oh wow, even after he initiates the contact? Is that why he is keeping me around, possibility of sex? He admitted to me he likes me, and thinks im beautiful and enjoys being around me etc.

 

A man can think the world of you and still chose not to commit. Don't get too caught up with sweet words.

 

So that sucks. Is it possible to be friends? He is a really nice guy, and we do get along nice. So if we were friends -- we could definitely have fun together without the touching

 

It's not possible when you have feelings for the other person. You could definitely have fun together on a platonic level but it seems you're already emotionally invested. What will result out of this "friends" arrangement that you're currently bargaining in your head is string yourself along and cause yourself potential hurt.

[stillafool]

He doesnt seem to wanna pursue anything serious. i think he was feeling more and more that I liked him and it may have scared him. he admitted to me that he liked me as well. we just had sex like 2 days ago..

 

But i feel him pulling away So I asked if we should stop seeing each other. N he said "Id still wanna be friends, i like hanging out with you and being around you"

 

He said it quite a few times when I had mentioned things. So yesterday when we established that....he went quiet. Then text me at 11 at night mentioning how i got him hooked on that TV show. then went on instagram and liked all my stuff .

 

and then this AM i sent him a picture asking for friendly advice, lipstickor no lipstick. he replied quickly with "Beautiful" "Now you wear red!" (he loves the color red)

 

ANd I said thanks..im trying to look cute today.

 

ANd he says "You have no problem doing that ;)"

 

So....i feel he is still flirting. Its kinda like maybe he half wants me, but then pulls away. And now we are apparently friends. I definitely think no more staying at his house, kissing, etc. or drinking together.

 

SO i guess time will tell if he actually even asks me to hangout? Idk how long to give himt o see?

 

It always amazes me when women say "he likes me". Of course he LIKES you and I hope so if you are having sex with him. A man asks a woman out because he LIKES her. We spend time with people because we LIKE them. It's just that LIKE isn't LOVE. This guy LIKES you and would like to keep your casual relationship, which includes sex, going without a commitment. He wants you to be a FWB.

[lovenlife]

yeah, you are all right.

 

however, i do enjoy his friendship as well. and who am i kidding i am probably not ready for a real relationship either.

 

not sure how things will go, but tonight i had a really bad night [im going through a lot] and he was willing to listen to me vent [through text, im more comfortable w/that] and listened to what i said, sympathized with me and offered advice.

 

ive never had a guy do that. and i really felt comfortable, and OK with venting to him.

 

So maybe, at least I have a good friend? He definitely looks out for me in ways, and told me that I was welcome anytime to vent to him, and he'd always listen to me.

 

Then maybe I should just back off, and enjoy the connection that we do have whether it be friends. I definitely am attracted to him, and of course I do like him, but we dont talk as much as we were talking and it's more platonic. [slight flirting sometimes, but he doesnt cross the line]

 

Him allow me to vent and not pretending to care, did mean a lot, just as a person.

[lovenlife]

it was weird too he has made comments about how "pretty i looked with a baby bump". idk he is so nice / sweet towards me. i guess he could have hidden motive? but idk never known a guy to let me vent.

 

so maybe he just really does wanna be friends

[coolheadal]

it was weird too he has made comments about how "pretty i looked with a baby bump". idk he is so nice / sweet towards me. i guess he could have hidden motive? but idk never known a guy to let me vent.

 

so maybe he just really does wanna be friends

 

In the end it's your final call, we all here can only advise you from our professional experiences and knowledge in your situation. Just be careful and don't let your heart, mind, and loneliness blind your judgement. Watch listen and learn what he does and said to you. I wish you the best, as we all need someone in our life to make us whole again.. But what price do we all have to settle for to achieve that common goal...

Edited August 1, 2017 by coolheadal

[lovenlife]

yea im hoping i dont get blinded.

 

is it possible he is just listening to my venting etc just for the possibility of sex again?

[lovenlife]

Okay, wtf is this guy doing. I just can NOT read him for the life of me.

 

Kinda weird last night i get a random text "You and this damn show" (i got him addicted to it lol) ......talked about the show for a few texts, then text me and asked how much i charge for photography , and mentioned wanting to get pictures done of him and his son when it gets cooler, the location etc.

 

THEN said "BTW You look super hot in red!"

 

but today........SILENCE. I text him something funny and he goes "Lol" thats it. Nothing else. No hi, how are you. Nothing.

 

Is he playing games with me? Or m i just expecting him to text me too often

[lovenlife]

***UPDATE********

 

ok so we decided to be FWB again, then back to friends...

 

i decided i couldnt do it. told him my feelings..said we can be just just friends no sex, or nothiing at all.

 

this was his reply:

 

he said "no problem, then friends it is :)" and i said ok. and i need to distance myself for awhile. and he said "im sorry though" and i said "lol sure. i'll get over it" and he said "no really, i am. i guess i am not ready for a relationship" and i said "gotcha. well, wish you the best." and he said "we will talk soon" <-- i didnt reply to that. what does that even mean? and then he did his usual going on facebook to like my posts.......so very odd.

 

not sure if we should really even be friends? would that work? or is it time to just walk away completely. i'm not sure if hes wanting to keep me as a friend bc he genuinely cares for me, in a friend way of course.

[act00]

He wants the sex, and he wants you around when he wants you around, and he'll blow you off until he's in the mood. I really don't see how you can possibly do this "friends" thing because by your description, it hasn't really ever been "just friends." You hang all over each other and touch and cuddle when you're together, without the sex, as "just friends." "Just friends" don't do that. Some new girl will enter the picture, and she'll want to punch you in the face when you and "her man" paw each other as "just friends"...no...just no...and any self-respecting woman will not just blame the girl, but will blame the guy and walk away...run...if pawing and flirting is considered "just friends."

 

He will pull back if you put up the boundary...YOUR boundary. You can't have it both ways.

 

You want more than he is willing to give. You're willing to settle on FWB...settle...and that's fine, really, if you accept that. You have to accept that this is what you signed up for, and he's going to go cold, silent, no touching when he meets a woman worth his potential long-term love.

 

If you choose to be "just friends," and you placed a boundary, also accept he's not going to flirt, follow you, like your posts, text you, touch you, paw you, and you will be just friends and behave like you do with your other friends.

 

You will feel rejected...you do right now. You're confused. He is happy to bed you and flirt and touch with the notion of "just friends," so he doesn't have to commit. You either accept it or don't.

 

I don't think you can maintain a friendship with this man, as you want more, and he's confusing the hell out of you.

 

YOU are confusing yourself! I think you need to do a complete split. No more contact.

[lovenlife]

He wants the sex, and he wants you around when he wants you around, and he'll blow you off until he's in the mood. I really don't see how you can possibly do this "friends" thing because by your description, it hasn't really ever been "just friends." You hang all over each other and touch and cuddle when you're together, without the sex, as "just friends." "Just friends" don't do that. Some new girl will enter the picture, and she'll want to punch you in the face when you and "her man" paw each other as "just friends"...no...just no...and any self-respecting woman will not just blame the girl, but will blame the guy and walk away...run...if pawing and flirting is considered "just friends."

 

He will pull back if you put up the boundary...YOUR boundary. You can't have it both ways.

 

You want more than he is willing to give. You're willing to settle on FWB...settle...and that's fine, really, if you accept that. You have to accept that this is what you signed up for, and he's going to go cold, silent, no touching when he meets a woman worth his potential long-term love.

 

If you choose to be "just friends," and you placed a boundary, also accept he's not going to flirt, follow you, like your posts, text you, touch you, paw you, and you will be just friends and behave like you do with your other friends.

 

You will feel rejected...you do right now. You're confused. He is happy to bed you and flirt and touch with the notion of "just friends," so he doesn't have to commit. You either accept it or don't.

 

I don't think you can maintain a friendship with this man, as you want more, and he's confusing the hell out of you.

 

YOU are confusing yourself! I think you need to do a complete split. No more contact.

 

We are just friends now, because of me opening up my feelings yesterday. I told him I cannot do it anymore, and don;t want the sex part of it pretty much. I said either friends with no sex, or nothing at all.

 

I havent even talked to him since yesterday, and since i put up the boundary, and havent replied to him saying "We will talk soon." yesterday, he has since made it a point to like my recent posts, and then comment on MY posts in events i am "interested" in. Probably bc i am not talking to him and could care less to even text him at this point bc i am turned off, and of course rejected. So I will not be putting myself out there like i was and looking like some desperate idiot.

 

 

*edit and a funny note . And the funny part is that he clearly, clearly doesn't want to lose contact with me. And I dont doubt that he like me, but he does NOT and will NOT commit. And i dont have time for that ****. Cant have your cake and eat it too. I can pick up his vibe, he likes my company, is pretty attracted to me but doesnt want to commit.

Edited August 6, 2017 by lovenlife

[stillafool]

We are just friends now, because of me opening up my feelings yesterday. I told him I cannot do it anymore, and don;t want the sex part of it pretty much. I said either friends with no sex, or nothing at all.

 

I havent even talked to him since yesterday, and since i put up the boundary, and havent replied to him saying "We will talk soon." yesterday, he has since made it a point to like my recent posts, and then comment on MY posts in events i am "interested" in. Probably bc i am not talking to him and could care less to even text him at this point bc i am turned off, and of course rejected. So I will not be putting myself out there like i was and looking like some desperate idiot.

 

 

*edit and a funny note . And the funny part is that he clearly, clearly doesn't want to lose contact with me. And I dont doubt that he like me, but he does NOT and will NOT commit. And i dont have time for that ****. Cant have your cake and eat it too. I can pick up his vibe, he likes my company, is pretty attracted to me but doesnt want to commit.

 

Do not be his friend because you can't handle it. He can but you can't. You are reading way to much into his last text. He just said "talk to you soon". It was no big deal but you are analyzing it to death. If you guys both agreed to be just friends that is the end of it. You're back to being friends. Besides in saying "talk to you soon" he did want to hire you as a photographer for him and his son, right?

[lovenlife]

Do not be his friend because you can't handle it. He can but you can't. You are reading way to much into his last text. He just said "talk to you soon". It was no big deal but you are analyzing it to death. If you guys both agreed to be just friends that is the end of it. You're back to being friends. Besides in saying "talk to you soon" he did want to hire you as a photographer for him and his son, right?

 

Yea, i know. Kinda worried it'll be too tough to handle right NOW but who knows. But at the same time, my feelings are fading just bc how much he had been pulling away, and the fact that since i txt him that Saturday..... he hasn't even text me since and it is Tuesday. [ We usually talk everyday ]. I am talking to another guy though, who i am a little interested in.

 

He did mention the photography prior to this. Hasn't outright asked me [he isn't doing them yet though probably 2 months or so from now].

 

I still feel a little irritated because he definitely seemed into me, but clearly pulled away/came back when it benefited him. Which does in all honesty, suck

 

 

. But i did some looking thru his facebook [Not sure why i never did] he had pics of him and his future x wife who has a BF [she lives with him and frequently ditches her child for this guy bc he always tells me about it] back in JUNE! he told me about this trip where they tried to reconcile but she was all about her BF and he couldnt do it. Okay i met him less than a month later...........NO WONDER he is in no position for a relationship. She treats him like @$$ but he isnt man enough to walk away, obv because he loves her so he lets himself be strung along. There were a lot of pics of her, the two together, etc.

 

A bigger part of me is realizing though anyways I shouldn't want more from him anyways, because he had no problem KNOWING i likeed him, and playing what he had to, to keep me and our sex.

 

BUT, like i said haven't talked since Saturday and if he was concerned / cared about me at all, even as a friend........he would've contacted me by now in my opinion.

 

I'm kinda loving him not talking to me, and the fact that I was honest to him about my feelings [though i think he knew -- but had no problem still using me for sex -- because when i had said previously "since you friendzoneed me, we still going to hangout?" his response was "yes, and you can take advtange of my body" or something to that effect] but the honesty and his silence are making it easier to move on. Doesn't take away from the fact that it hurt, but him showing me how little he care to reach out ssays a lot.

 

**edit. his only interaction with me is liking some of my facebook posts, or liking events im interested in

Edited August 8, 2017 by lovenlife