frisomel Posted July 30, 2017 Posted July 30, 2017 Hi... I don't know where to get advice and I encountered this forum, anyways my story is like this Me and my ex gf were together for 9 years and I cheated on her 2 years ago for another girl, after about 3-4 months, I came back to her and she said that we will work things out, but while together she checked on my phone and saw my previous messages towards the other girl and another girl (I was confused by the time I was away from her and I am looking other ways to distract me until I've got the courage to get back to her). She then broke up with me and I begged her to come back, so we gave it another shot, but she said that while we are working things out she will be open to dating other guys which I agreed. By this time, I became confident that I won't look at another woman's eyes and will focus on her In the interim, she didn't had a date and it felt like we were like a couple again, though when i tell her "i love you" she doesn't respond, what I thought was, she will definitely come a time she will but I felt she misses me and still loves me. So anyway 3 months ago, she was introduced to a guy (without my knowledge) which is 10 yrs older than her, and they started dating and after 3 weeks, she called it quits with me and she told me that there was this another guy. Of course I was devastated as I am planning to propse to her in a month's time (I only told her during our break-up). And so I agreed to break up with her, after I begged and pleaded. But then during those 3 months, I chased her, and tried courting her, but not to the point that I am showering her with numerous gifts/messages, we text each other like 2 times a week at most, she gave me mixed signals, and sometimes she agrees to meet up with me and we end up having sex (which i think about 3-4times on the duration of the 3 months), while she is dating this other guy. This gave me false hope that I am about to win her back. But 3 weeks ago, she had a big family problem and she called me and I agreed to go to her place, of course we ended up having sex and this is the time I knew that she is becoming intimate with the other guy and they are having sex. I asked her if she loves him, she told me "no but I like him, there will come a time that I will love the guy since I can learn to do it, right?". This hurt me and after that I stopped chasing and sent her a letter a day after telling her how much she hurt me. Since then, we are having NC, and it really hurts me until this day, my friends told me to move on and forget her, but there is still a glimmer of hope that she will one day knock on my door and tell me she is very sorry. It really is sad that I keep blaming myself for this mishap but I was "clean" for 2 years and didn't entertain any other girls as I promised myself to do everything for my relationship to work. Any insight would be great, thanks loveshack!
preraph Posted July 30, 2017 Posted July 30, 2017 Well, let's just look at the big picture here. Neither of you was really ready for commitment, as evidenced by you flirting or dating others. I don't know what you should do but just what is easiest for you emotionally, I guess. If it's easier for you to date others and occasionally check in on her, do that. But if it's easier to stop all contact so when you date others you can move forward easier, do that. Neither of you are quite ready to commit, in general. I mean, you sort of got scared into trying to do the right thing, and that's good, you know, because you learned something from it and dealt with the consequences, but I just guess you're really not the right ones for each other completely. Good luck. 1
Author frisomel Posted July 30, 2017 Author Posted July 30, 2017 thanks for the insight @preraph, actually what I wanna do now is just move on alone, as I am very hurt and I am not into dating yet, ehat I just wanna know and gain insight from is why is she doing this irrational behavior and if she will ever realize what she did was wrong and eat the humble pie and ask for reconciliation (wishful thinking)
Author frisomel Posted July 30, 2017 Author Posted July 30, 2017 i'm just too bummed with what happened and I really want her back despite what happened
marky00 Posted July 30, 2017 Posted July 30, 2017 She sounds a little narcissist, similar to my ex. Sure you were wrong for cheating but you have to ask the question, how is it she could be so strong-minded and give you the cold shoulder after you cheated. If she is a narc, that would have been a hit to her ego but not to her heart. I am speaking from experience here. I was in a 9 year LDR and about 3 years in, some random local girl called me up and I met with her a few times (no sex but there was intimacy). Anyway, the guilt got to me and I confessed and told her at the same time I wanted to end things (which was crazy because I did still love her) .... I was having a mini mental breakdown. At the time of the BU, my ex said she had been crying all day long (which made feel very guilty and also very confused because for a long time I felt she had been devoid of emotions). 3 days later she sent me a very brief goodbye email which shocked me further because it seemed so final. The next day I told her I made a mistake, she asked for NO contact for about 6 weeks and a few months later, she agreed to resume the relationship (but some of the damage was probably irreversible). Looking back, I can see that that whole situation just gave her a position of power. It freaked me out how she could act so hurt but 3 days later after a 3 year relationship just sent a strong acceptance email and move on (and I knew she meant it). She claims I hurt her heart but honestly I think this was way more about ego. Over time, I discovered her narcissist traits which leads me to believe that incident just bruised her ego and she acted in a way to restore her ego and damage mine (which I can somewhat understand given my admission to meeting up with the other girl). I tell you this story because I see similarities with yours. You cheating put you in an inferior position but based on her reaction, I think it's quite possible she didn't care as much as you did anyway. Her post breakup actions look to be related to her damaged ego (more so than a broken heart). You begging later just helped her restore her ego even faster, and in turn made you feel worse.
Author frisomel Posted July 30, 2017 Author Posted July 30, 2017 thanks @marky00, u think she is a narc? and if so, would she go back to her loving nature and love me back again? I've given this much thought and if she asks for forgiveness I would gladly accept it, but if she qants to be back in my arms? I dunno, but maybe I will agree, knowing myself that I let love pvercome my pride
Scarlett.O'hara Posted July 30, 2017 Posted July 30, 2017 It really is sad that I keep blaming myself for this mishap but I was "clean" for 2 years and didn't entertain any other girls as I promised myself to do everything for my relationship to work. Are you serious? This is your fault. You cheated on her. Being "clean" for two years means little when the damage is already been done. The reality is that your cheating had long term consequences on your relationship. She clearly wanted to be with you and make it work, but you betrayed her multiple times, and no matter how much she cared or what feelings may still be there, the trust has been broken irreparably. I understand you are upset that it is over, but I think it is unfair to make her the bad guy in this situation. If you want to learn from this experience, take responsibility for your actions and don't cheat on your next partner. 3
Blanco Posted July 30, 2017 Posted July 30, 2017 For many, cheating is a bell you cannot un-ring, even if both people are willing to try to work through it. I don't really blame her. I've never had to work through such an issue, but given how I am, I'm pretty sure I would never again fully trust the person. 1
basil67 Posted July 30, 2017 Posted July 30, 2017 I can't see irrational behaviour on her part. I see a woman who was cheated on, but tried to give it another shot anyway. But the relationship had become too broken to hold her and so when someone else came along, she went to him. Their relationship may or may not last. But I'm guessing she's done with your relationship. It's time to move on. 1
Chilli Posted July 30, 2017 Posted July 30, 2017 (edited) Are you serious? This is your fault. You cheated on her. Being "clean" for two years means little when the damage is already been done. The reality is that your cheating had long term consequences on your relationship. She clearly wanted to be with you and make it work, but you betrayed her multiple times, and no matter how much she cared or what feelings may still be there, the trust has been broken irreparably. I understand you are upset that it is over, but I think it is unfair to make her the bad guy in this situation. If you want to learn from this experience, take responsibility for your actions and don't cheat on your next partner. Exactly. And yeah, OP , amazing how many narcs there are around these days isn't it Umm, you screwed around on her.. Edited July 30, 2017 by Chilli
Maldives Posted July 30, 2017 Posted July 30, 2017 Dude u cheated on her that's what led to her eventually leaving. Take if from someone who's been cheated on a number of times it is very difficult or not impossible to reverse the damage cheating does. U can attempt to but in the back of that person's mind that got cheated will be a lot of trust issues I don't think it's possible to work things out once one party has cheated or met someone else it's over it's too messy and carries way too many issues and baggage 1
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