babysacay Posted July 29, 2017 Posted July 29, 2017 My spring break-up originally brought me here. Since then, I've been on dates with a few guys and met someone who really caught my interest a few weeks ago. However, I can't get rid of the anxiety that he's going to ghost me...he just got out of a 5-month relationship and he has a tendency to not solidify plans until the day of. We've only seen each other 4 times but it's gotten pretty physical, though we never slept together. He used to ask me about my day but hasn't asked me any questions the past week and has gone a couple days not contacting me at all. Granted, I didn't reach out either. Anyways, I have this anxiety he's just gonna ghost; I've had an experience where I had a boyfriend who was talking about marriage ghost me. And a guy who stopped talking to me for 10 days resurfaced wanting to meet up and I said no lol. I'm curious, what are everybody's thoughts on ghosting during dating?
Bastile Posted July 29, 2017 Posted July 29, 2017 I'm curious, what are everybody's thoughts on ghosting during dating? This is probably going to sound weird, but ghosting is a good thing. It usually means the woman knows I'm a sexual threat, that I have teeth, and she's not wasting my time in whatever way. It's a respectful thing. It's what happens when you have decent escalation, and her interest isn't good enough - or has declined for whatever reason. It's very easy to forget that when it's not happening on the regular, and mistake it for disrespect. This means you aren't being ghosted enough.
Ami1uwant Posted July 29, 2017 Posted July 29, 2017 I'm curious, what are everybody's thoughts on ghosting during dating? There are two different type that need to be separated. Type 1: this happens early on. You may not have even met face to face or you had just 1 date. This happens because the person is likely dating multiple people and wants to decide which one to pursue further. They also could avoid conversation to keep you around as option B n case this ealy dating with this first choice doesnt work out. Type 2: this happens later on in the dating after a relationship has established. At this time one person may be concerned because behavior patterns are changing. Like he used to text me every day now he does it infrequently. This happens if a relationship is established so the person doesnt feel they need to text you everyday and they are becoming nore of who they really are. Sometimes these changes that occur are rather harmless. Other times this could be something more. What happens then is there is doubts by one person in the couple unsure if this is going anywhere in the future. they may have found something annoying in the person they dont like or are seeing things that make them wonde if they are a long term match. With some people they dont like breaking up so they do a slow fade thus making the other person break up with them.
Bastile Posted July 29, 2017 Posted July 29, 2017 There are two different type that need to be separated. Type 1: this happens early on. You may not have even met face to face or you had just 1 date. This happens because the person is likely dating multiple people and wants to decide which one to pursue further. They also could avoid conversation to keep you around as option B n case this ealy dating with this first choice doesnt work out. Type 2: this happens later on in the dating after a relationship has established. At this time one person may be concerned because behavior patterns are changing. Like he used to text me every day now he does it infrequently. This happens if a relationship is established so the person doesnt feel they need to text you everyday and they are becoming nore of who they really are. Sometimes these changes that occur are rather harmless. Other times this could be something more. What happens then is there is doubts by one person in the couple unsure if this is going anywhere in the future. they may have found something annoying in the person they dont like or are seeing things that make them wonde if they are a long term match. With some people they dont like breaking up so they do a slow fade thus making the other person break up with them. I'm not so sure that it does need to be separated. Really the medium is the message... as they say. The thread got me thinking. At first, I believed that I have never ghosted from a committed relationship - or had it been done to me. But then under this definition (slow-fade, other disinterest, etc), I have ghosted - and had it done to me under those conditions too. Obviously, it's quite standard when in non-exclusive relations that people drop off your radar. But then you make the condition of "messaging each day", which women do take as meaning commitment too (I am on a break, and had forgotten that nuance lol). I never considered myself much of a "ghoster", but maybe women have viewed it different? As one realizes that they are just a dream figure in another person's dream, that is self-awareness. And even when I have sent breaking things off messages to girls, some have demanded more. One said I should have done it in person, that I'm not a man, that I'm weird, and have a small dick. Messaged me a lot of abuse It's never nice being rejected, however the medium. Disinterest is just disinterest at the end of the day. We can work on projecting our expectations of conduct onto others from a moralistic view. Or we can work with what we have from more of a realist view. Ultimately consider ourselves responsible for our own happiness. I think that I find the latter more useful, and invigorating. I've been at my best when ghosting didn't concern me much, tbh. 1
kendahke Posted July 30, 2017 Posted July 30, 2017 How over his ex is this guy? If he just got out of a relationship, then you're the rebound and chances are, it's not going to go very far. If he ghosts, then he ghosts--not much you can do about it except maintain your dignity and grace. I'd stop investing my feelings right now seeing that he's been going incommunicado with you. He was only good for a 200 yard dash--he's not a marathon runner and relationships are marathons.
Miss Spider Posted July 30, 2017 Posted July 30, 2017 (edited) I used to ghost a lot. Pretty much all the date experiences I had last year I ghosted the person. Only after no more than 2 dates and usually 1 date..I was a coward. I did it because I didn't want to have the "I'm not into you" conversation. I thought that was harsher than just not responding again.I truly felt *I'd* prefer to be ghosted/take a hint than have a guy tell me he's just not attracted to me for whatever reason, so I did it to others. But no, it's awful That being said, I think intuition is usually right when people feel they are being ghosted or faded out. But it's complicated when people are especially anxious because of bad past experiences such as the one you had with the guy talking marriage then disappearing. Depending on the severity, it can do a lot of damage to trust. If it's severe abandonment thing, probably therapy. Otherwise, preoccupying yourself and trying not to worry about waiting for that next phone call or text Edited July 30, 2017 by Cookiesandough
The Urbanyst Posted July 30, 2017 Posted July 30, 2017 Ghosting is the norm these days. I don't ghost women, I just become unavailable. Its a much nicer way to let people down and more respectful. Ghosting is lazy and cruel. I never ignore a woman's text or call because I despise when women ignore me.. almost to the point of hatred. So I try not to dish out what I can't take. When I'm done with a girl I just stop initiating contact. If she reaches out to me I will always respond. However, I will never be available to meet. Women get the hint pretty fast and stop reaching out. Ghosting is for avoiding stalkers. If you have someone blowing up your phone and acting crazy you ghost them. You don't ghost nice people. Its just wrong. 1
fieldoflavender Posted July 30, 2017 Posted July 30, 2017 Multi-date - it's the only way. Unless you've had the exclusivity talk at which time ghosting is freaking ridiculous and if someone does that to you - you have dodged a bullet in the future of someone who can't face difficult situations.
Miss Spider Posted July 30, 2017 Posted July 30, 2017 Yea not to scare anyone but I've heard plenty of stories on here about people getting ghosted after months of exclusive relationship. Usually the fade. It's unavoidable with some nutters
Bastile Posted July 30, 2017 Posted July 30, 2017 Ghosting is the norm these days. I don't ghost women, I just become unavailable. Its a much nicer way to let people down and more respectful. Ghosting is lazy and cruel. I never ignore a woman's text or call because I despise when women ignore me.. almost to the point of hatred. So I try not to dish out what I can't take. When I'm done with a girl I just stop initiating contact. If she reaches out to me I will always respond. However, I will never be available to meet. Women get the hint pretty fast and stop reaching out. Ghosting is for avoiding stalkers. If you have someone blowing up your phone and acting crazy you ghost them. You don't ghost nice people. Its just wrong. That's worse. You are both pulling a fade, and stringing them along until they give up. And you are doing it as a purposeful method, whilst trying to declare some sort of moral highground. Either send a simple break off message, or stop responding (depending on the dynamics). That's the interesting thing about ghosting that I was considering reading this thread. I think everyone has probably done it, perhaps without realizing or accepting that they do. 7
bene Posted July 30, 2017 Posted July 30, 2017 If you don't contact your date after first date, I don't really consider it ghosting because nothing is established yet. Yes, it's polite to thank for the date and wish them good luck but I've been on some coffee dates where both parties obviously don't feel the need to contact again and it's OK. Ghosting in my book means that one person disappears after several dates when there seems to have been some kind of progression. That's why it's called ghosting - because it comes out of the blue. My take is that after a month or two you still don't know the person and what is going on in their lives. Maybe an old flame came back, maybe they are not over their ex, maybe maybe maybe... It hurts of course but it is actually a slippery slope do want to find out exactly why. It seems like important information at the time but it really doesn't matter. If they actively choose not to be your life without volunteering any reasoning you just move on. 2
Author babysacay Posted August 1, 2017 Author Posted August 1, 2017 Yup, dude disappeared for 3 days, I asked for clarity, he told me yesterday that he met someone on a float trip, got physical with her, and didn't think it was fair to me for us to continue as we were. But the day after he returned from the float trip, last Sunday, I asked if he still wanted to hang out since I'd be in his area (I live an hour away), he said yes, and wouldn't let me buy my own dinner that evening. Then he tried getting physical with me and even tried getting me to take off my clothes! (I didn't let that happen). Just makes me sick. 1
smackie9 Posted August 1, 2017 Posted August 1, 2017 The warning signs were all there: 5 month relationship (not really committed) Unreliable/last min making plans Being aggressively physical Ditches communication for a few days Has no real interest in your personally All this says PLAYER. Like I always say, date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. This guy was being a jerk right from the beginning. Next time don't over look or make excuses for s%^&*$ behavior. 2
Author babysacay Posted August 1, 2017 Author Posted August 1, 2017 That guy sucks, but I like your hair. Haha oh thank you! And thank you for pointing out the warning signs, they can be hard to spot when you're in the situation yourself. I can't wait to either kill this guy with kindness or look down my nose at him like a dignified snob lol. He works at the car dealership I take my car to and knows that I'm planning on taking it in again within the next couple months.
OneForMe Posted August 1, 2017 Posted August 1, 2017 This is why I HATE ghosts! They do it once and they can destroy your entire life because you'll always be paranoid and I know this feeling so I gave up online dating forever. Only real face to face relationships for me! Ghosts are scum of the earth, worthless people. 1
fieldoflavender Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 Except real people do it too. Sometimes not that much better than people you meet online.
No_Go Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 I don't ghost women, I just become unavailable. Its a much nicer way to let people down and more respectful. Ghosting is lazy and cruel. I never ignore a woman's text or call because I despise when women ignore me.. almost to the point of hatred. So I try not to dish out what I can't take. When I'm done with a girl I just stop initiating contact. If she reaches out to me I will always respond. However, I will never be available to meet. Women get the hint pretty fast and stop reaching out. Ummmm what yo describe is the ultimate game playing (worse than ghosting IMO) - why the women need to 'get the hint' when you can just have the balls to tell them 'I'm not interested'? 1
fieldoflavender Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 Well sometimes point blank saying "I am not interested in you" is also presumptuous, sometimes you don't even know if the other person is that interested either. If they clearly say they're interested, then you do have an obligation to be clear instead of ghosting/gaming them (if you are decent person). If it's unclear and they are testing the waters, I would sometimes write very short responses and after 2-3 days (whereas I would normally reply within hours) and they usually get the hint without making it too too awkward.
HarmonyDriven Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 IMO, let him go. Sounds like he is not the right person for you. Just remember, you cannot control what a man does nor can he control you. If he wants to see, he will make plans. If he wants to talk to you, he will call you. If he wants you in his life, it will happen. When you feel anxious about possible ghosting, take a deep breath and count to ten. Tell yourself, "Not a big deal." And move on..... I know hard to do but it can be done.
bachdude Posted August 2, 2017 Posted August 2, 2017 This is not meant to be judge mental but it is an honest question... Why get physical so quickly? Maybe grandma was right to make him really work for it as a test of genuine interest. There are lots of women out there who will not make him work for it so the players usually move on quickly. At least if you get ghosted he didn't get anything from you. That's the ultimate revenge, not killing him with kindness or looking down your nose at him - he could care less about that. 1
Author babysacay Posted August 2, 2017 Author Posted August 2, 2017 This is not meant to be judge mental but it is an honest question... Why get physical so quickly? Maybe grandma was right to make him really work for it as a test of genuine interest. There are lots of women out there who will not make him work for it so the players usually move on quickly. At least if you get ghosted he didn't get anything from you. That's the ultimate revenge, not killing him with kindness or looking down your nose at him - he could care less about that. I enjoy being physical-the most it was was heated making-out sessions. I didn't let him take it any further than that, even though he did try. I think that's why he moved on so quickly, because he's a player and I was firm in my boundaries; I imagine he and the woman he met got more physical than I did with him. That's something my mom told me too, that he didn't get anything from me. Yes, you're right, it is a source of pride for me that he didn't get my goods. I am so glad that I learned from past experience not to give them up until a man shows he's genuinely interested in something real. I get better and better and more comfortable and proud with myself with each experience 1
Recommended Posts