FaithInTheDark Posted July 28, 2017 Posted July 28, 2017 I've been kind of dating this guy since May. we've been on about 5 one on one hang outs plus, hanging in group settings. I haven't liked someone like this since my ex boyfriend, plus i find him really attractive. I'm a lot more expressive person then he is, ie: ive told him how ive felt about him, and always compliment him on things i notice. He's told me how comfortable he is around me, and likes me/ likes spending time with me. The first couple dates, hes planned and took me out, which i appreciate. But hes not a huge texter, sometimes it takes him like a whole day to get back to me, but apparently hes like that with everyone. At this point, im realizing how much i adore him and need to keep my feelings in check. As, ive been hurt alot in the past. The last couple times we hung out, ive been the one to call him up and see if he wants to hang out, and hes been quick to respond Yes. and the hang outs have been really good.... I just dont want to feel like the pursuer in this relationship. But, at this point, i feel like i need to hang back with the reaching out and see if he comes to me and wants to spend time. does anyone have any advice for a girl that wants to guy to take more initiative in asking to hang out? do guys like when girls make the moves in the situation or do they want to be the chasers?
olivetree Posted July 28, 2017 Posted July 28, 2017 To be honest, this doesn't sound good. He doesn't sound that into you. He might be a crappy texter with everyone else, but he shouldn't be with YOU. I would be long gone with a guy that took a day to respond to a text. I assume your goal is to have a balanced and reciprocal relationship. And since you're probably not going to just give this up... You should definitely pull back, stop initiating and see if he pursues you too. If he doesn't, you have your answer. You have been dating since May. If it was early May, then that is 3 months. Has he asked you to be his gf / be exclusive? 3
smackie9 Posted July 28, 2017 Posted July 28, 2017 If you don't dress sexy, flirt, touch, have friendly banter, make comments about how cute he is......he's probably thinking he is friend zoned.
staggerlee71 Posted July 28, 2017 Posted July 28, 2017 This is a really interesting situation because its the beginning of setting a communication pattern between you two. which will continue so change it if you don't like it. if you wait, it hard to break If you don't want to be the pursuer, don't pursue. I would hang back and let him initiate right now. he should be initiating contact and setting dates at this point. BTW, he's not a huge texter is Bull!!! he is setting a boundary there right now. its the easiest, most non invasive form of communication
O'Malley Posted July 28, 2017 Posted July 28, 2017 He initiated and planned the first couple of dates, you've done so with the last few. Neither of you should be 'chasing' or doing all of the legwork. However, barring hectic schedules, I'd have anticipated the contact and dates to progress in frequency after three months. Why have you only went out on five dates in three months? If you start getting 'busy' signals or feel that you're shouldering most of the effort then it's time move on. 3
d0nnivain Posted July 28, 2017 Posted July 28, 2017 How much time do you give him to reach out to you? Sometimes as a woman you need to learn to sit on your hands. In the beginning of my relationship with my husband I was very eager but afraid of coming on too strong & scaring him away. I was also battling my own assertive alpha personality too. As I would start to freak & be all upset that he hadn't called, viola the phone would ring but it was slower then I would have liked. As time progressed, I was able to just be myself & call when I want. Don't put any stock in how fast or slow he responds to texts. That is meaningless. Especially if he has a job & a life, he simply may not be glued to his phone. Just because people have the ability to be in touch 24/7 doesn't mean they have the obligation to have that much contact. 3
Miss Spider Posted July 28, 2017 Posted July 28, 2017 My guess is if he stopped iniating dates his interest has declined. The only chance to turn tables and be sure is to stop initiating at all and he will either A. Never ask you out again, or do so very rarely showing his lack of interest or B. Ask you out because he really wants to date you. Good luck!! 1
anthonywatts Posted July 28, 2017 Posted July 28, 2017 Faith, if I may be so presumptuous, take a minute (or less) to assess where both of you 'rank' in the area of physical attractiveness. Typically, when both parties are close in attractiveness, there is mutual investment of time, money and emotional sentiment. The farther apart the couple is, the greater the disparity. It sounds like, based upon what you have posted, that there is a large disparity. Meaning, the man you are pursuing ranks highly and you are significantly lower on the physical attractiveness scale (PAS). If this is the case, and more often than not it is, can you bring your PAS rating up? If so, how quickly? The higher you can move up, the more likely it is that he will invest. He will call more, text more, spend more (money and time) on and with you. Fix what you can fix: weight, skin tone, fashion, etc. Take the time to improve your overall health in the process rather than looking for a quick fix. It takes time and energy and a bit of self education but the results will be worth it. Best of luck!
Bastile Posted July 28, 2017 Posted July 28, 2017 Bring it on, babe... Nah. Joking. If you get a guy by making all the moves, you will have gotten a limp-wristed waste of space. (low-interest or low-testosterone) Likewise, when I have had women making all the moves, they have turned out to be nutters. Seriously. 2
Author FaithInTheDark Posted July 28, 2017 Author Posted July 28, 2017 Faith, if I may be so presumptuous, take a minute (or less) to assess where both of you 'rank' in the area of physical attractiveness. Typically, when both parties are close in attractiveness, there is mutual investment of time, money and emotional sentiment. The farther apart the couple is, the greater the disparity. It sounds like, based upon what you have posted, that there is a large disparity. Meaning, the man you are pursuing ranks highly and you are significantly lower on the physical attractiveness scale (PAS). If this is the case, and more often than not it is, can you bring your PAS rating up? If so, how quickly? The higher you can move up, the more likely it is that he will invest. He will call more, text more, spend more (money and time) on and with you. Fix what you can fix: weight, skin tone, fashion, etc. Take the time to improve your overall health in the process rather than looking for a quick fix. It takes time and energy and a bit of self education but the results will be worth it. Best of luck! Hahaha! I have absolutely nothing to worry about when it comes to my appearance. And if that's the case? Then that's his choice. I take great price in my appearance and am told by the opposite sex all the time.
Versacehottie Posted July 28, 2017 Posted July 28, 2017 why do YOU think he hangs back? i'm just guessing he is either not interested, not 'that' interested or not wanting a relationship right now (and you being more forward with him has put that fear into him). 1
Chilli Posted July 28, 2017 Posted July 28, 2017 l love it in my relationship but not if we've just met. Don't mind little subtle things though like touches and snuggles, that's all she needs to do. 1
basil67 Posted July 29, 2017 Posted July 29, 2017 I've never been backwards about coming forwards if I liked a guy. But if they like you back, the'll take your first initiation and run with it. It's reasonable to expect someone who's into you to do 50% of the initiation. 1
hercules22 Posted July 29, 2017 Posted July 29, 2017 dont mind girls making moves i would mainly hope they would after being out with them a couple times
Robratory Posted July 29, 2017 Posted July 29, 2017 Women don't have to pursue because they generally reel their prey in. Who knows why this guy isn't making a move. The possible reasons are all over the place. He could be closeted gay. He could be totally awkward about girls. Or he might like the attention but not really be into you. I find that last reason unlikely, though. I've never known a man who would go out with a girl he didn't find appealing enough to have sex with. Sure, men will go out with girls they would never marry or have long-term relationships with, but they won't go out with girls they find sexually unappealing. So if he's not making a move, it's not because he's not into you. The fact that he goes out with you, even if you have to ask, shows that's he's into you at least enough to make a move. You can't know what's going on in his mind, so look to what you're doing. Are you signalling that you're interested? Are you creating opportunities where it would be natural for him to make a move? Men are traditionally the initiators, but that's just the first move. Like you say, he took you out a couple of times, so he did throw his hat into the ring. But having made that first move, men then wait for a signal that it's ok to go further. Unfortunately, some women never send those signals. I've dated women who gave out such a strong "we're pals" vibe that I couldn't figure out if I should move in or move on. Yes, they were friendly but they were chummy and not romantic. Evaluate how and what has happened when the two of you have been together, and then decide if you've given him enough green light.
Robratory Posted July 29, 2017 Posted July 29, 2017 Faith, if I may be so presumptuous, take a minute (or less) to assess where both of you 'rank' in the area of physical attractiveness. Typically, when both parties are close in attractiveness, there is mutual investment of time, money and emotional sentiment. The farther apart the couple is, the greater the disparity. I don't buy this theory. If the girl is cute enough that I'll go out with her, she's cute enough to f***. She may not be cute enough to marry or to introduce to mom or even to be seen with by your friends, but cute enough to f***? Oh, hell, yes! But he's not going there, so it's not that she's not cute enough. It's something else.
alphamale Posted July 29, 2017 Posted July 29, 2017 if you like passive guys then by all means pursue him
mortensorchid Posted July 29, 2017 Posted July 29, 2017 There have been times in the past that I have been the pursuer. And it's backfired on me each time. Then again there are just as many times that the man has pursued and he would end up breaking it off anyway. If there was ONE answer, I would tell you what that answer is. However, all is fair in love and war, as we all know. This situation, however, does not sound that great. He doesn't sound that into you based on what you have said. You seem to want to take things to the next level, and he's just coasting along with it. I think what would be best in this situation is to just let it be. Back off and see if he contacts you for more things to do. In the meantime, look to and go out with others. I have a feeling this guy is just going to ghost on you at some point. 1
Author FaithInTheDark Posted July 31, 2017 Author Posted July 31, 2017 There have been times in the past that I have been the pursuer. And it's backfired on me each time. Then again there are just as many times that the man has pursued and he would end up breaking it off anyway. If there was ONE answer, I would tell you what that answer is. However, all is fair in love and war, as we all know. This situation, however, does not sound that great. He doesn't sound that into you based on what you have said. You seem to want to take things to the next level, and he's just coasting along with it. I think what would be best in this situation is to just let it be. Back off and see if he contacts you for more things to do. In the meantime, look to and go out with others. I have a feeling this guy is just going to ghost on you at some point. Thanks for the awesome responses ... Yes, I require a balanced and recipicated relationship. Also, it makes sense that he's just content with coasting along, while I'm feeling unfulfilled by the lack of reassurance. Deep down I'm afraid hell ghost me but at least I'll know my answer. But , In all fairness...I haven't given him enough time to reach out. I've been trying to keep it consistent...we saw each other 4 days ago. I am going to sit on my hands and see if he comes forward. Thanks everyone. I'll let u know what happens.
rightondude Posted July 31, 2017 Posted July 31, 2017 Just a question Faith, if you keep being the aggressor/initiator, how good exactly do you foresee the sex being when/if it happens?
Author FaithInTheDark Posted July 31, 2017 Author Posted July 31, 2017 The sex has been pretty good. I wouldn't say I'm an aggressor... I've just trying to put myself out there without loosing my feminine energy.
Author FaithInTheDark Posted July 31, 2017 Author Posted July 31, 2017 Just a question Faith, if you keep being the aggressor/initiator, how good exactly do you foresee the sex being when/if it happens? I am not too sure what u mean
carhill Posted July 31, 2017 Posted July 31, 2017 I noted one member asked about exclusivity and that question went unanswered. Usually sex impels truth. If he's interested in an exclusive and committed relationship and you and he have been lovers already, generally men who are relationship material move in that direction, or at least respond positively to adult discussions of it. Responding to the title, my historical perspective has been 'no problem', perhaps colored a bit by married women who've lied to me, as they have historically been the ones 'making the moves'. Single women, nope. Since you've been dating for around three months, unless you're really young, it's time for an adult conversation on what's going on. It doesn't have to be serious and deep but at least adult and straightforward.
Author FaithInTheDark Posted July 31, 2017 Author Posted July 31, 2017 We haven't had that talk, I've hung out with him a handful of times. I did ask what he's looking for and he said he doesn't know. But wants to take things slow.
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