How to deal with the jealousy bug?

[Jsos91]

So I've actually been doing as well as to be expected at this point. I've been able to maintain NC from the moment we ended (no reaching out, blocking on everything, no checking social media). I haven't seen her face or heard her voice in anyway shape or form in two months. I decided to get back on Instagram finally and guess who pops up immediately on my people you may know section. It hit me like a ton of bricks, there she was, smiling with a group of people I don't know. She went away to Sri Lanka for a school placement a few weeks ago and based on her profile picture I'd say she's doing pretty well. I immediately gave my phone to my friend to block her, I didn't actually look at her profile. Just seeing her face was enough to set me off, it was just crazy.

 

We were supposed to be married only a few weeks from now, my question is, how the hell do I deal with this? I'm stuck here working my retail job I hate, living at my parents house for another week until I get my apartment while she's across the world seemingly having the time of her life. I'm starting school in a month so I have that to look forward to but I just feel so angry right now. I'm stuck here in my old life well she's been able to run away and completely forget about everything, it just doesn't seem fair. I think I'm just feeling petty that her life is going better than mine is right now.

[preraph]

So you expect her to just stand in place and be unhappy because you are not happy and your place in your home life. The key to happiness is change and moving forward and having momentum. You don't really love her if you resent her having fun and having great experiences and exploring. Your feelings are selfish. You're jealous of her life now go get yourself a life.

[SevenCity]

It's not fair, but such is life.

 

It sucks and will likely be the worst pain you experience. But, you do get through it.

 

I recall getting a LinkedIn email of "People you may know" and there was a picture of my ex (who I had removed after the breakup). At the time it sent me back a ton, but I got through it.

 

As time (now 11 months) has gone by it has gotten easier. I came across a site the other day that seems to have given me a boost. I recommend you read it, I've quoted a relevant passage below:

 

 

It's over.

 

Your ex- broke up with you. S/he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you. That’s the only fact that matters. All the reasons in the world that they give you won’t change that. You need to focus only on YOU and YOUR future.

 

 

It’s hard to accept, but you have to face the reality: not all your questions will ever be answered. You will never really know everything you want to know.

 

 

But it doesn’t matter.

 

 

Think about it. You know how the relationship was. You know your ex-. You know what happened. You know what the ex- said when s/he broke up. You don’t need any more in order to move forward with your life.

 

 

It doesn’t matter.

 

Revenge

 

I can’t repeat often enough: nothing about the ex- matters. It’s all about YOU.

 

Someday, hopefully sooner rather than later, you will truly be over the ex-.

 

And when you are, you’ll realize that revenge and competition and comparisons are meaningless.

 

The opposite of love is indifference

 

Hatred, desire for revenge, scorn, bitterness… all those are still emotions and feelings about your ex- and distracting your focus from where it should be: on YOU.

 

When you’re completely healed, you’ll have what is the true opposite of love: indifference. What your ex- is doing, what new romantic relationship s/he has… none of it matters to you more than simple curiosity about someone from your past.

 

You don’t tremble at saying his/her name, you aren’t scared of bumping into him/her, the thought of him/her with a new partner doesn’t cause a wave of emotions.

 

It’s just a memory from your past.

 

 

 

 

You are doing the right thing but your ex is like a drug and you are going through withdrawal just like a drug addict. Eventually you will no longer have those feelings.

 

 

It is important to keep that end point in mind. What you are feeling is TEMPORARY. You, nor I, knows when it will end but it will end. Trust me.

[stockyoldfrump]

So you expect her to just stand in place and be unhappy because you are not happy and your place in your home life. The key to happiness is change and moving forward and having momentum. You don't really love her if you resent her having fun and having great experiences and exploring. Your feelings are selfish. You're jealous of her life now go get yourself a life.

 

I think this is a little harsh. By his own admission, he's being petty and jealous, but his question of how to avoid this is legitimate.

 

Obviously, the best way to make yourself feel better is to feel like you too are progressing in your own life. You have school coming up and while I'm sure the wait for that seems interminable, once you get there you will feel a sense of forward momentum and optimism that will carry you through. It sucks at this moment, but you have things waiting in the wings and so you have an assurance it will get better.

 

I was just dumped by my girlfriend at one of the lowest times in my life. I had just had a pretty awful car accident, lost my job, and found out my apartment is being sold and she dumped me the week of Father's Day, which is a really tough day for me because of the loss of my own father. She, on the other hand, had just taken the LSAT the week before and had looked at an apartment after living with her parents for a long time. Believe me, I also feel the sting of knowing that her life is moving in one direction and mine is seemingly moving in another.

 

Short term, what has helped me has been two things:

 

The first thing is to try to look at her sympathetically. It's not easy to love those people we LOVE in the same way we would love a "normal" person, if that makes sense. If we're good people, we extend a sense of general, unselfish love to everyone we meet or hear about and truthfully hope they will be safe and healthy and happy and that they will get to achieve their dreams. When we love someone romantically, we tie up our identities in theirs to the point that we resent their happiness if it one day diverts from ours. My strategy for dealing with that has been to almost split my ex into two people mentally, the woman I loved and the woman she still is. The woman I loved is, for all intents and purposes, dead. Even if I could be with her physically today, the light inside her that came out when we were together wouldn't be there. But there's still another version of her rolling around out there. That person is the person you loved in many ways, just not the ones you loved the most. Try to imagine that person abstractly when you think of her and wish that person well, the same way you would wish it for a stranger or acquaintance. You don't hate her, so don't let yourself act like you do.

 

The second way is look at everything you're doing as a part of moving forward. You don't have to be traveling or studying at this very second to be growing and moving forward as a person. In fact, sometimes the hardest, most tedious, most demeaning moments of life are the ones that move us forward most dramatically. Yes, she's traveling and she's having fun, but for all you know that may be distracting her from emotions she hasn't dealt with or things she should be working on. I'd like to have a great job right now and feel like my life is on par with my ex's, but I don't. What I do have, though, is the knowledge that every day, when I wake up and force myself to apply for jobs and go to the gym and work on my PhD applications even though I'm devastated, I am building strength and resilience that is making me a better man and, if I'm lucky, will one day make me a better partner and a father. The same can be said for you. It's easier to deal with breakups when you have a distraction or sense of movement, and - yes - that's one form of growth. But there's also growth in learning to cope when you're at your lowest or when things aren't going your way or when you're in a place that doesn't allow you to immediately turn away from the pain or absence or loss. You are doing that now and that is a form of growth. Whether you know it or not, the mere act of persisting and enduring has already moved you forward and has already made you a better man than the one she knew when you were together. Try to be conscious of that yourself, so that when your time to really move forward comes, you have the confidence that every step of this journey, even the depressing ones, was a step in the right direction.

[Blanco]

It's definitely one of those character building moments.

 

Having been in similar situations before, I can say that these are some of those moments that we can use as an impetus for personal growth and long-term goals. But they can also be barriers that keep us stuck, make us bitter, and feel resentful.

 

Mind you, there's nothing wrong with feeling some of these things. For a time. But then we must move forward.

 

I speak from experience. I've been a good romantic partner in my relationships, but have had to deal with pretty much all of my exes to quickly go on to some pretty amazing things that only accentuated the sorrow I was feeling. It isn't easy to make the best of things in those scenarios, but the alternative is to be morose and cynical for years on end. Ultimately, the latter does nothing to anyone but ourselves, and maybe the friends and family that patiently stand by our side.

[Jsos91]

Yes I do apologize if I sounded petty yesterday when I posted. I truly do want the best for her and it's not as if I haven't posted pictures of myself happy with friends. It's hypocritical of me to be upset that she's done the same.

 

I've been focusing on me and building myself up to be a better person, I think reality just hit me yesterday when I saw that picture. I know myself which is why I've tried so hard to erase her and avoid seeing anything about her, I knew it would just hurt too much. I'm feeling better today, just another part of the roller coaster I suppose. I'm going to be okay and I'm happy for her that she's doing well, it's just bizarre to think that we should've been getting married in a few weeks and now we're here. Thus is life I suppose. Thanks for your responses everyone, I appreciate it.

[Zul]

Don't beat yourself up so much, friend. I know that it is difficult to see someone that you used to have fun with having fun with someone else. It sucks, but so is life. The best thing you can do is to remove yourself as far away from her as you can and just live your life to the fullest that you can. Do things that make you happy. I promise you, those photos LOOK like she's having fun; but she's struggling and hurting inside for whatever is going on in her life too. No one is 'truly' happy on social media, it is a facade and fake and people don't really post photos of them miserable, they try to project a perfect life. I just dumped social media all together. Then I don't have the chance to ever see a photo I don't want to.

 

If I see her on the road, because my ex and I still live in the same town. I wave with only my middle finger in the air as a kind "hello".

[breadbin]

you need to take back control. you cannot control what you see on social media but you can control how you feel about it. don't let the anxiety stop you being on instagram or any other outlet. These can be positive too. I follow this girl on instagram who is inspirational! learn how to deal with your feelings, meditation, yoga, exercise all helps. so does getting out there and having fun:) you shouldn't be jealous of her being on holidays if you are on holidays too!

[Seth0194]

Its hard, but you cant worry about her. Focus on you, where you want to go, what you want to do. Look toward school, yea your stuck for now, but you look like you are gonna move forward. When you get to school, check meet-up online, great way to meet new friends. Don't tie your happiness to someone who is now part of your past.