Work Crush: How do I gauge her interest?

[Carguy430]

Hi everyone, first post so I'll try to do this right! This will be a little long to provide detail, but I'll provide a summary up front.

 

TL;DR Summary: A coworker I have a crush on reached out to me on Bumble, we went on a 6 hour rock climbing date and it went very well. I didn't try to kiss her after because I was nervous and she's hard to read. She then canceled our second date because she had to work and canceled on a work trip because of a personal issue she wouldn't describe. I offered to take her out to listen or distract her but I'm not sure when to try and reschedule our date. What do I do next without seeming like a pest?

 

Late last month a coworker I've had a crush on matched with me on Bumble. We chatted on the app for awhile and moved over to texts eventually. Our initial conversations were flirty and there was mutual back and forth. As about a week went on, the texts started to get shorter, but she would have good in person conversations with me.

 

At work event, we start talking and I suggest rock climbing as a first date to do something active rather than just have dinner and drinks. The date was amazing. We spent more than 3 hours together and the class we took was fun and gave us a chance to playfully touch each other and have fun challenges with each other. We got BBQ for dinner after rock climbing and then walked along the boardwalk talking for another hour and a half, spending a total of 6 hours together. While walking along the boardwalk we stopped at a romantic spot and I was so nervous that I didn't try to kiss her. I instead asked if I could drive her home and we walked back to my car. While in the car we talked about other activities we could do and I suggested and escape room. There was a comedy show she wanted to go to though so we tentatively agreed on that for the next Saturday.

 

Come Wednesday I check in to confirm whether we are still on because she mentioned she might have to work. I suggest we could leave it as a day of decision since she was fairly sure she would be working. In the interim, we exchanged short texts about her day and things going on around the office. During the exchange she tells me she's having a bad week and smokes cigars to relax. So on Friday I buy her two cigars and leave a note on her desk saying I hope they make her feel better. She thanks me and says it was unnecessary to leave the gift but never texts me again that day. We had a work training she gave to us later and never made eye contact with me once. This made me nervous but I tried not to overthink it. Come Saturday, she never texts me and I opt not to text her because I figured it would be rude since I knew she was working.

 

Since then, I've exchanged short texts with her to see how her week has been going but I get the sense that she doesn't like to text much or she doesn't like to text me much. Her texts have exclamations and excitement sometimes but other times are dry and to the point. It seems not to matter whether I text her during work or after she's home. I'll link to some of our texts on Imgur.

 

Before she reached out to me on Bumble, we agreed to take a work trip together for class. It's a big deal and took weeks to get necessary approvals. 2 days ago she texts me and tells me that she has a personal issue going on and won't be able to make the trip because she has to stay close to home. I offer to take her out for drinks or a cigar (things she does to decompress) and say that I hope it's not too forward of me to offer. She said that she appreciated it and wanted to acknowledge the change in plans.

 

Yesterday I overhear her telling a coworker about a variety of plans she has now made for the weekend. I also overheard her say it's her birthday on Monday. My gut reaction was that she dropped out of the trip to not spend time with me, but I think that's a little self centered and probably just overthinking the situation. But since she's hard to read I can't be sure if it's just me overthinking.

 

Considering the turn of events, I want to know what I should do. I really like her and I think my actions to this point demonstrate sincere interest. But we work in law enforcement and I don't want to be too forward as to make her uncomfortable. Friends have advised me with mixed input. Some say the ball is in her court to reschedule if she is interested, others have said I could reach out next week or the week after. I fear that allowing a lot of time to pass might kill whatever chemistry or spark was there (it'll be 2 weeks since our first date tomorrow). I want to text her next week and ask if it's okay for me to call her one night so we can chat and maybe talk about another date.

 

What's my best play here? How should I ask if I can call her? Do I even try to suggest another date?

 

Thank you so much for the advice! I'm very sorry for the length!

[smackie9]

She's not that interested. When someone is really interested they make time for you and or make firm alternative plans when canceling / turning down a date.

[Carguy430]

She's not that interested. When someone is really interested they make time for you and or make firm alternative plans when canceling / turning down a date.

 

I think we both have some level of hesitation given we work within close proximity to each other but no directly with each other. But is this something that's over or can I maybe ask her to chat and ask her out if the conversation leads that way?

 

Or do I just leave it and see if she becomes interested again?

 

Links to texts we exchanged included in this post because I can't edit my original for some reason. https://imgur.com/a/UxRy9

[d0nnivain]

Get her a birthday card (an actual paper card that you buy in the store, not an e-card or a text message) & give it to her Monday. Offer to take her out for a celebratory drink.

 

If you don't get a positive reaction to that, conclude she's not interested any more.

[mortensorchid]

She doesn't sound interested to begin with, but I would strongly advise not getting involved with someone you work with, either dating or strictly platonic friendship outside of the workplace. You will bring your problems and issues with you to work with that person and it's dangerous. I learned that the hard way with people. Back off.

[Carguy430]

She doesn't sound interested to begin with, but I would strongly advise not getting involved with someone you work with, either dating or strictly platonic friendship outside of the workplace. You will bring your problems and issues with you to work with that person and it's dangerous. I learned that the hard way with people. Back off.

 

I've already been badly burned this year. I know a lot of people advise against getting involved with people you work with, but we only work within the same overarching department and we don't work together at all. As attorneys we may interact and ask each other questions but nothing major.

 

Despite her saying she had a really great time on several different occasions, I should assume she's not interested merely because she hasn't made an effort to reschedule? I know some women like a man to take th initiative but I can't tell.

[d0nnivain]

If she is an attorney she knows how to be clear. If she wanted to see you again, you'd know. She's presumably rescheduled many meetings, depositions & other matters over the years. She has the skill set & the self confidence to rearrange her schedule when she desires.

 

Back off. Go re-read the various sexual harassment laws in your state. Then remember that clients don't always make the best decisions. If you make a pest of yourself & she complains to HR the company may fire you on a "where there's smoke, there's fire" preventative measure.

[Carguy430]

If she is an attorney she knows how to be clear. If she wanted to see you again, you'd know. She's presumably rescheduled many meetings, depositions & other matters over the years. She has the skill set & the self confidence to rearrange her schedule when she desires.

 

Back off. Go re-read the various sexual harassment laws in your state. Then remember that clients don't always make the best decisions. If you make a pest of yourself & she complains to HR the company may fire you on a "where there's smoke, there's fire" preventative measure.

 

I certainly appreciate that perspective, and I thank you for sharing. I've tried to be a gentleman at every stage of this in order to make her feel as comfortable as possible, knowing that could be a concern. I haven't made any overture yet other than asking her in person whether she wanted to hang out which went well. I left her the small gift of cigars but I would do that for anyone I considered a friend. I've left things at my offer to take her out this week to get her mind of things or talk.

 

So I guess what I'm asking here is for clarity. Am I backing off because the concesus is she is not or was never interested? Or am I backing off to remain a stand up guy and allow her space to decide the next move? I won't stop everything I'm doing in the hopes she reaches out but I'm wondering whether she might.

Edited July 28, 2017 by Carguy430

[d0nnivain]

You are backing off for both.

 

I get the sense she's not interested. If she was, you would not be questioning her level of interest; you'd know.

 

When I read your first post I thought maybe you were college interns so I was giving you more leeway as you learned to navigate adult relationships.

 

If you are still unsure, do what I suggested before: get her a birthday card & leave it on her desk. Nothing elaborate. No romance. Just a little thing that says Happy Birthday. You can add a cupcake if you like but nothing more. Sign it Best wishes, Carguy430.

 

You probably won't get more than a thank you. If she balks, apologize immediately & sincerely. Then avoid her at all costs. Even for professional Qs she should be your last choice.

 

If she reacts positively, ask her for that celebratory birthday drink.

[Carguy430]

You are backing off for both.

 

I get the sense she's not interested. If she was, you would not be questioning her level of interest; you'd know.

 

When I read your first post I thought maybe you were college interns so I was giving you more leeway as you learned to navigate adult relationships.

 

If you are still unsure, do what I suggested before: get her a birthday card & leave it on her desk. Nothing elaborate. No romance. Just a little thing that says Happy Birthday. You can add a cupcake if you like but nothing more. Sign it Best wishes, Carguy430.

 

You probably won't get more than a thank you. If she balks, apologize immediately & sincerely. Then avoid her at all costs. Even for professional Qs she should be your last choice.

 

If she reacts positively, ask her for that celebratory birthday drink.

 

Thanks, I could understand where you were coming from. I'me 30 but I've only been in 2 real relationships. Earlier this year, I misjudged the level of interest of a woman I dated for a month and things went south very badly, resulting in a severe hit to my confidence.

 

I question her level of interest primarily because when we speak in person we have great talks and we share a lot of similar interests. Her texting habits however are much different and leave me confused, though she's always on her phone. I liked the idea of a card, but I have to take the trip myself the day of her birthday. So I'm hesitant to leave the card while I'm away, plus I don't know that she knows I overheard and I wonder if it might be weird to use that information in any way.

 

That's why initially I thought maybe I could ask if I could call her next week and feel out the conversation, but I'm starting to see here that maybe it's best if she leads. I just don't know what that might look like, whether she would reschedule or offer to do something. Reading the responses here, I feel like maybe there is no personal issue and she dropped out the triply solely to avoid me, which makes what happened on the date all the more confusing.

[d0nnivain]

It's a card. Not an engagement ring. It should be from the $0.99 collection which tends to be very plain -- a picture on the front & Happy Birthday printed inside. Nothing else.

 

Leave it on her desk before you go away. Since you won't be there, don't do the cupcake.

 

If she asks how you knew tell her you overheard her. You weren't eavesdropping. She had the conversation in a public space. You both know the attorney client privilege. If it was secret info it would have been discussed behind a closed door.

[preraph]

You are way over thinking things. You are a good date giver. But you are completely failing by not kissing your dates good night. It is that simple. I don't know what you're waiting for but women do not enjoy taking the lead so you may be waiting a long time if you don't get your butt in gear and give a girl a goodnight kiss after a date or during at a romantic spot.

[olivetree]

She messaged you first on Bumble.

She knows how to make contact but she isn't making any.

Let her come to you.

No more reaching out.

 

I wouldn't get her a birthday card.

She doesn't seem interested.

Gifts from a man you're not interested in do not make a woman feel warm and fuzzy, they push a woman further away.

You already gave her cigars and (very importantly), she never told you herself it was her birthday.

[Carguy430]

You are way over thinking things. You are a good date giver. But you are completely failing by not kissing your dates good night. It is that simple. I don't know what you're waiting for but women do not enjoy taking the lead so you may be waiting a long time if you don't get your butt in gear and give a girl a goodnight kiss after a date or during at a romantic spot.

 

This is actually what I regret the most about what has occurred thus far. Had I not been so hurt in January I would absolutely have tried. But between being hurt and this being a person from work I was just playing it safe. Is that really the reason she's gone silent?

 

I've tried to take the lead after by buying the cigars and offering to distract her from the personal issue but I'm worried on some level that she recoiled only because I didn't kiss her. I'm obviously very interested I think but I don't want to be a creep and over-pursue her. From my perspective the personal issue seems to be a lie if she's made other plans but I honestly don't know.

[TheFinalWord]

My general advice for work-related romance: Abort.

 

If you plan on staying in this environment for the long-term, an office romance is extremely risky.

 

If you unsure about her feelings, all the more reason to leave it alone. No harm, no foul...yet.

[Carguy430]

My general advice for work-related romance: Abort.

 

If you plan on staying in this environment for the long-term, an office romance is extremely risky.

 

If you unsure about her feelings, all the more reason to leave it alone. No harm, no foul...yet.

 

Thank you. This is apparently the view of many people, but I don't plan to be in this position long term. I plan to take a diffierent position within the department once my test number is called.

[anthonywatts]

Don't focus so much on this one girl. Generate new leads. Meet new women.

 

I have six dates these next two weekends, so any ambiguous situations like yours above go to the backburner as a curiosity.

 

Do you have other women who are interested in you? Are you going out on other dates? Focusing on one girl, esp. if she is lukewarm is not a winning strategy.

 

Attractive women have multiple options. It is up to you to cultivate multiple options as well.

[Miss Spider]

I would say don't do it if it's someone you work with.

[The411]

Hi everyone, first post so I'll try to do this right! This will be a little long to provide detail, but I'll provide a summary up front.

 

TL;DR Summary: A coworker I have a crush on reached out to me on Bumble, we went on a 6 hour rock climbing date and it went very well. I didn't try to kiss her after because I was nervous and she's hard to read. She then canceled our second date because she had to work and canceled on a work trip because of a personal issue she wouldn't describe. I offered to take her out to listen or distract her but I'm not sure when to try and reschedule our date. What do I do next without seeming like a pest?

 

Late last month a coworker I've had a crush on matched with me on Bumble. We chatted on the app for awhile and moved over to texts eventually. Our initial conversations were flirty and there was mutual back and forth. As about a week went on, the texts started to get shorter, but she would have good in person conversations with me.

 

At work event, we start talking and I suggest rock climbing as a first date to do something active rather than just have dinner and drinks. The date was amazing. We spent more than 3 hours together and the class we took was fun and gave us a chance to playfully touch each other and have fun challenges with each other. We got BBQ for dinner after rock climbing and then walked along the boardwalk talking for another hour and a half, spending a total of 6 hours together. While walking along the boardwalk we stopped at a romantic spot and I was so nervous that I didn't try to kiss her. I instead asked if I could drive her home and we walked back to my car. While in the car we talked about other activities we could do and I suggested and escape room. There was a comedy show she wanted to go to though so we tentatively agreed on that for the next Saturday.

 

Come Wednesday I check in to confirm whether we are still on because she mentioned she might have to work. I suggest we could leave it as a day of decision since she was fairly sure she would be working. In the interim, we exchanged short texts about her day and things going on around the office. During the exchange she tells me she's having a bad week and smokes cigars to relax. So on Friday I buy her two cigars and leave a note on her desk saying I hope they make her feel better. She thanks me and says it was unnecessary to leave the gift but never texts me again that day. We had a work training she gave to us later and never made eye contact with me once. This made me nervous but I tried not to overthink it. Come Saturday, she never texts me and I opt not to text her because I figured it would be rude since I knew she was working.

 

Since then, I've exchanged short texts with her to see how her week has been going but I get the sense that she doesn't like to text much or she doesn't like to text me much. Her texts have exclamations and excitement sometimes but other times are dry and to the point. It seems not to matter whether I text her during work or after she's home. I'll link to some of our texts on Imgur.

 

Before she reached out to me on Bumble, we agreed to take a work trip together for class. It's a big deal and took weeks to get necessary approvals. 2 days ago she texts me and tells me that she has a personal issue going on and won't be able to make the trip because she has to stay close to home. I offer to take her out for drinks or a cigar (things she does to decompress) and say that I hope it's not too forward of me to offer. She said that she appreciated it and wanted to acknowledge the change in plans.

 

Yesterday I overhear her telling a coworker about a variety of plans she has now made for the weekend. I also overheard her say it's her birthday on Monday. My gut reaction was that she dropped out of the trip to not spend time with me, but I think that's a little self centered and probably just overthinking the situation. But since she's hard to read I can't be sure if it's just me overthinking.

 

Considering the turn of events, I want to know what I should do. I really like her and I think my actions to this point demonstrate sincere interest. But we work in law enforcement and I don't want to be too forward as to make her uncomfortable. Friends have advised me with mixed input. Some say the ball is in her court to reschedule if she is interested, others have said I could reach out next week or the week after. I fear that allowing a lot of time to pass might kill whatever chemistry or spark was there (it'll be 2 weeks since our first date tomorrow). I want to text her next week and ask if it's okay for me to call her one night so we can chat and maybe talk about another date.

 

What's my best play here? How should I ask if I can call her? Do I even try to suggest another date?

 

Thank you so much for the advice! I'm very sorry for the length!

 

Ignoring the dating a co-worker issue you've made some severe errors here.

 

1. 6 hours for the first date is way too much work unless it's broken up into multiple dates I.e. Meet up for drinks, go get some food spontaneously, them head back to your/her place for sex.

 

2. After six hours and no kissing, she is going to think you're just a friend, gay, or too much of a wuss to make a move.

 

3. You are catering to this woman too much. The cigar gift was way too desperate/needy.

 

4. You did great by making plans but a) make firm plans b) don't talk yourself out of dates by giving her outs.

 

5. At this point the only way to resuscitate things with this girl is to do nothing. Chances are you have no shot and you should pursue other women. The only other chance is staying away finding a hot woman or women date and have that info subtlely get back to her.

 

6. Do not buy her a birthday card or give her anything for her birthday. Best case you kill any chance of your Hail Mary. Worst case, she hits you with a restraining order/sexual harassment suit.

[Carguy430]

Ignoring the dating a co-worker issue you've made some severe errors here.

 

1. 6 hours for the first date is way too much work unless it's broken up into multiple dates I.e. Meet up for drinks, go get some food spontaneously, them head back to your/her place for sex.

 

2. After six hours and no kissing, she is going to think you're just a friend, gay, or too much of a wuss to make a move.

 

3. You are catering to this woman too much. The cigar gift was way too desperate/needy.

 

4. You did great by making plans but a) make firm plans b) don't talk yourself out of dates by giving her outs.

 

5. At this point the only way to resuscitate things with this girl is to do nothing. Chances are you have no shot and you should pursue other women. The only other chance is staying away finding a hot woman or women date and have that info subtlely get back to her.

 

6. Do not buy her a birthday card or give her anything for her birthday. Best case you kill any chance of your Hail Mary. Worst case, she hits you with a restraining order/sexual harassment suit.

 

I suppose point 1 makes a lot of sense and is probably what I'm most afraid but. But I also think she knows I'm interested in more than being her friend, but I guess I haven't come outright and said it.

 

I was nervous because we never agreed it would be a date we just sort of went and I know a lot of people don't kiss on the first date, so I didn't want to do something to upset her. Is not kissing on the first date really a deal breaker? Assuming she believed it was a date?

 

I plan to take a step back because I have this out of town trip (5 days away from her and the office), but would it be okay for me to text her late next week, and ask if I could call her to talk as opposed to text?

 

Thinking something along the lines of: Hey! I hope your day is going well, I know you've been quite busy lately, but I was wondering if I could give you a call so we can chat?

Edited July 29, 2017 by Carguy430

[d0nnivain]

You can send that text but it won't get you a positive response. It's too weak / beta . . . just no.

 

Drop by her desk & ask her to grab a drink with you after work.

[Carguy430]

You can send that text but it won't get you a positive response. It's too weak / beta . . . just no.

 

Drop by her desk & ask her to grab a drink with you after work.

 

Thank you. I'll try to stop by when I'm back in the office. For the sake of argument, what's a better way to structure the text?

[d0nnivain]

The best way is to not send it

[Eternal Sunshine]

Looks like she had some interest at the start but it dropped off completely. I read the texts you posted, she sounds like she is giving you the bare minimum of replies out of politeness while you sound super interested.

[Carguy430]

Looks like she had some interest at the start but it dropped off completely. I read the texts you posted, she sounds like she is giving you the bare minimum of replies out of politeness while you sound super interested.

 

Thank you very much for reading the texts. I went back and looked through our earlier texts and I realized that it's been back and forth with respect to length of texts and frequency. Sometimes she shares more, other times less. It coincides with how rough a week she has at work. There were utterly uninterested texts right before she agreed to the date.

 

Even before agreeing to hang out, her texts her short. But our in person conversations were much better. Talking to her at work is tough because our cubes are close together, that's why I would like to call, but I just don't know what the best way to ask is.

 

At a minimum, I just want to clear the air with her. If I know where she stands I'll just back off. I thought, for example I could ask her for tips to start running since she runs marathons.

 

So for example, "hey, I hope your day is going well! Would it be alright if I called you one night you're free this week? I wanted to chat and ask some questions about running." That way we can start by talking about something she's passionate about and it's not work related.

 

Alternatively can I just be really forward without it being a putoff and ask the following: "Hey, I hope this week was better than last. I don't mean to be too forward, but I've been a little distracted at work thinking about the night we went rock climbing. I'd like to give you a call one night this week to chat, if you're free. Is there a night this week that might work for you?"

Edited July 29, 2017 by Carguy430