Jealousy

[anduina]

How do I handle it? My fiance's good looking so girls stare and give him flirty compliments. Half of me is happy for him that he gets attention since he doesn't have a vain bone in his body and has no idea that he's hot. My insecure side feels jealous. He has no idea that I feel jealous since it's my issue to address. Has anyone else gotten over their insecurities and how did you do it?

[mikeylo]

Focus on your good qualities. Looks fade before you know it. Does he throw it in your face ?

[stillafool]

I've always found that the most good looking guys are the nicest and don't cheat. Your bf can't help he was blessed with good looks but remember he picked you so be proud.

[d0nnivain]

Focus on his behavior, not the behavior of other women. If he is polite or oblivious, that should increase your security not undermine it.

 

Try to focus on the fact that he is marrying you.

[anduina]

Focus on your good qualities. Looks fade before you know it. Does he throw it in your face ?

Can you please explain your question, as in, in what ways would be considered in throwing it in my face?

 

I've always found that the most good looking guys are the nicest and don't cheat. Your bf can't help he was blessed with good looks but remember he picked you so be proud.

I honestly wish he wasn't good looking. Average would have been fine for me since I fell for his personality and our chemistry.

 

Focus on his behavior, not the behavior of other women. If he is polite or oblivious, that should increase your security not undermine it.

He's polite but he does enjoy the attention.

 

Try to focus on the fact that he is marrying you.

It's dumb but it makes me not want to marry him.

[d0nnivain]

Can you please explain your question, as in, in what ways would be considered in throwing it in my face?

 

I honestly wish he wasn't good looking. Average would have been fine for me since I fell for his personality and our chemistry.

 

He's polite but he does enjoy the attention.

 

It's dumb but it makes me not want to marry him.

 

 

The attention is flattering. Don't begrudge him a little ego boost if he's not courting it & not reacting to it other than to be flattered.

 

If this makes you want to not marry him, but your Wedding Plans on hold; get all your deposits back & get pre-marital counseling immediately. This is your issue not his but you will poison your marriage if you don't address it. Women will not stop finding him attractive just because he's wearing & wedding ring & you will make yourself even more nuts.

[anduina]

The attention is flattering. Don't begrudge him a little ego boost if he's not courting it & not reacting to it other than to be flattered.

 

If this makes you want to not marry him, but your Wedding Plans on hold; get all your deposits back & get pre-marital counseling immediately. This is your issue not his but you will poison your marriage if you don't address it. Women will not stop finding him attractive just because he's wearing & wedding ring & you will make yourself even more nuts.

After reading the infidelity and other woman threads on this site, maybe I should walk away sooner, not later.

[d0nnivain]

After reading the infidelity and other woman threads on this site, maybe I should walk away sooner, not later.

 

That is not what I am saying. I'm saying your insecurities are poisoning your relationship not his looks or the idea that he's flattered by the attention. He can be flattered & faithful. The problem is you; You don't think that's true. You think that he's going to cheat on you because he's good looking.

 

Yet you said that you fell in love with him for his personality & your chemistry. If you think he has such a great personality, why don't you think he has any integrity?

 

My husband is very handsome too. Many people told me not to marry him because he is so good looking. I always trusted that he wouldn't stray. I currently have some concerns that he may be struggling with his sexuality but most people think I'm nuts for worrying. Even if I am right & he is gay, I know he has enough integrity to divorce me before he cheats with someone else, male or female because loyalty is incredibly important to him.

 

There are no guarantees. Marriages do end. But good relationships are possible where the people talk to each other & trust each other. Instead of doing that you simply want to throw in the towel. I definitely think a postponement is in order because you're not ready to be married but I'd hate to see you give up an otherwise good relationship out of fear based on how attractive your partner is. Your plan makes no sense.

[anduina]

That is not what I am saying. I'm saying your insecurities are poisoning your relationship not his looks or the idea that he's flattered by the attention. He can be flattered & faithful. The problem is you; You don't think that's true. You think that he's going to cheat on you because he's good looking.

 

Yet you said that you fell in love with him for his personality & your chemistry. If you think he has such a great personality, why don't you think he has any integrity?

 

My husband is very handsome too. Many people told me not to marry him because he is so good looking. I always trusted that he wouldn't stray. I currently have some concerns that he may be struggling with his sexuality but most people think I'm nuts for worrying. Even if I am right & he is gay, I know he has enough integrity to divorce me before he cheats with someone else, male or female because loyalty is incredibly important to him.

 

There are no guarantees. Marriages do end. But good relationships are possible where the people talk to each other & trust each other. Instead of doing that you simply want to throw in the towel. I definitely think a postponement is in order because you're not ready to be married but I'd hate to see you give up an otherwise good relationship out of fear based on how attractive your partner is. Your plan makes no sense.

I don't trust most women since many are covertly competitive and bitchy. It's frightening how most men can't see through their fakeness. Reading the other women and infidelity threads don't help since they reinforce my perception of such. That and being bullied by queen bee types as a child. The same queen bee types that flirt and pay attention to my fiance. It doesn't bother me when kind and sweet women give him genuine compliments with no agenda.

 

This points to the combination of childhood trauma and trust issues, including my uncertainty over my own judgment of people.

[d0nnivain]

So address your lack of trust. Don't blame your FI or break his heart because you have issues. Work on them. Work with him.

 

You don't have to trust other women, & you probably shouldn't. You do have to trust him. If you don't trust him, don't marry him. But if you do trust him, why not get to the root of your problem, fix it & allow yourself to live happily ever after?

[anduina]

So address your lack of trust. Don't blame your FI or break his heart because you have issues. Work on them. Work with him.

Okay, this is now starting to piss me off. Show me where I blamed him for anything or even begrudged him the attention? Show me where I've poisoned our relationship and all the nonsense that you keep accusing me of. I've been wide open with you, shouldering all the blame and responsibility.

 

You don't have to trust other women, & you probably shouldn't. You do have to trust him. If you don't trust him, don't marry him. But if you do trust him, why not get to the root of your problem, fix it & allow yourself to live happily ever after?

You tell me stuff that's obvious to me about where I need to go. But my question in the opening post is 'how' not 'where'.

[mikeylo]

It's actually wise to put brakes on marriage at this point.

 

He enjoys the attention. This IS an issue. He smiles, his ego is boosted , he feels superior, his eyes are mostly wandering, looking for women who will drool over his face / body. All this attention can be addictive and everyday life can become boring , uneventful. If he was ignoring the attention and not participating in it , I would say let go but the issue I see is that he enjoys it.

 

His intention may not be to make you feel insecure or jealous but it will poison the relationship anyway. There are people who take it in stride and learn how to ignore the compliments out of respect for their relationship.

 

It's not that no one finds you attractive! In your subconscious mind, you are choosing to not see it and feed off it.

 

I'm not sure if I helped but I guess you need to look at his behavior more criticality before marrying!

[d0nnivain]

I'm not trying to piss you off. I'm trying to understand.

 

You said that the attention he gets from other women bothers you & that because he's so good looking it makes you not want to marry him.

 

Then when I suggested you get pre-marital counseling to deal with your insecurities, you said you read the infidelity threads & it makes you want to call the whole thing off. My response was I don't get it. If you love him, love his personality, love the chemistry you have together, why are you letting your fears & the behavior of outsiders (these flirtatious women) rob you of happiness?

 

You can get premarital counseling from lots of places. Many religious institutions mandate it before they will allow a couple to marry. So consult your minister. Other wise look to the mental health profession.

 

What do you want? Have you told him that? What was his response? You don't have to answer on a public forum but you do need to communicate with him.

 

It really doesn't matter what I say or think. What matters is how you deal with your life, your fears & your FI. Doesn't he deserve to understand what's going on with you? Doesn't he get a chance to try to reassure you? You seem hellbent on blowing up the relationship. If you want to fix it, what are you willing to do?

[knabe]

It's actually wise to put brakes on marriage at this point.

 

He enjoys the attention. This IS an issue. He smiles, his ego is boosted , he feels superior, his eyes are mostly wandering, looking for women who will drool over his face / body. All this attention can be addictive and everyday life can become boring , uneventful. If he was ignoring the attention and not participating in it , I would say let go but the issue I see is that he enjoys it.

 

His intention may not be to make you feel insecure or jealous but it will poison the relationship anyway. There are people who take it in stride and learn how to ignore the compliments out of respect for their relationship.

 

It's not that no one finds you attractive! In your subconscious mind, you are choosing to not see it and feed off it.

 

I'm not sure if I helped but I guess you need to look at his behavior more criticality before marrying!

 

Sooooooo many assumptions here. Most people like getting a compliment, and the ones who say they don't are probably lying. The OP said he is oblivious and doesn't realize how handsome he is.

[anduina]

It's actually wise to put brakes on marriage at this point.

 

He enjoys the attention. This IS an issue. He smiles, his ego is boosted , he feels superior, his eyes are mostly wandering, looking for women who will drool over his face / body. All this attention can be addictive and everyday life can become boring , uneventful. If he was ignoring the attention and not participating in it , I would say let go but the issue I see is that he enjoys it.

 

His intention may not be to make you feel insecure or jealous but it will poison the relationship anyway. There are people who take it in stride and learn how to ignore the compliments out of respect for their relationship.

 

It's not that no one finds you attractive! In your subconscious mind, you are choosing to not see it and feed off it.

 

I'm not sure if I helped but I guess you need to look at his behavior more criticality before marrying!

Thankfully, my looks are one of my few, non-insecurities. They're fine.

 

I don't want to feel insecure or lack trust. I only wish to feel secure but life has taught me that there are many untrustworthy people. That and I tend to overthink everything, agonizing over possibilities. There are pieces missing in my worldview framework and until I figure out those pieces and all or at least most possibilities, it's difficult to conclude anything.

 

I'm pretty comfortable knowing the why of my issues. It's also obvious to me where I need to go. It's the how that defeats me.