Robratory Posted July 19, 2017 Posted July 19, 2017 I'd never done this before. Two months ago, I met a woman by happenstance on the street. She was going to her car while I was coming from my car, and I noticed we both had very old Hondas, so I asked her what year her car was, and we got to talking. Five minutes later, I asked her if she'd like to meet for coffee, and she said yes. I always say that if it's not a definite yes, it means no, and her's was a very definite yes. I mean, she's getting into her car, and she's still mouthing the words "call me" and miming holding a phone to her ear. So I call her, and she says she's busy all week, but next week, for real. The following week, she was busy again. "I'm flying back East, and I won't be back until the 24th" (of June). So I said, "Have a nice trip" and pretty much forgot about her. Today, she called and left voicemail. She elaborated on how busy she's been, but now there's a "window" before she gets busy again in August, and do I want to have coffee. I thought about it. Part of me even said you'll never know unless you go for it. But then I thought, no, be sensible. Taking her at face value, assuming no games whatsoever, the best case scenario was still that I wouldn't see her again until maybe some time in September. So I sent her an email saying thanks but no. I'm almost certain I've saved myself a lot of hurt feelings. 6
preraph Posted July 19, 2017 Posted July 19, 2017 She is probably thinking just friends anyway. If she saw real potential ( she could be dating someone too) she probably would have made time. 4
Miss Spider Posted July 19, 2017 Posted July 19, 2017 (edited) I think you did the right thing. You'd spared yourself some feelings and time and showed dignity. You told her you're not her doormat. Well done. Edited July 19, 2017 by Cookiesandough 1
bluefeather Posted July 19, 2017 Posted July 19, 2017 yay for respecting boundaries and being clear about what you desire 2
Gold Pile Posted July 19, 2017 Posted July 19, 2017 Funny, I've been dating a very busy woman who drives an old Honda. I'll have to have a word with her about flirting with other Honda drivers. 4
Supernova007 Posted July 19, 2017 Posted July 19, 2017 I think what you need to have is abundance mentality, if she says she is busy, then she is busy. You never need to know, maybe she have a boyfriend, maybe she is not totally into you, maybe..maybe....maybe. A lot of things... You asked her twice and that is the best thing you can do, you should've set the date when she called. Anyway, what happened is happened. I suggest that you give her a phone call on September if you are not dating anyone else already and have a date. And don't think too much. just a simple date. Don't spend too much money. Maybe coffee, and see where things go from there. That's my advise.
act00 Posted July 19, 2017 Posted July 19, 2017 I'm on the other side on this one. I think you should have had that coffee date. One or two hours isn't a marriage, and you might have learned that this is just a busy season at work and things will slow down, plus she may have had other summer plans in place that were made before she met you. Of course there's no guarantee her schedule slows down, so you would still find yourself declining anything further because you want someone available, and that's okay. The fact she attempted to get some time with you while she had some down time makes me think she was at least interested enough to take some time to see if something was there. I'm not saying you're wrong for your choice. Immediately you're thinking you want someone who's around and available, so you made a choice. Maybe in September, if you're still available, you can reach out and see if her life has settled...or not. 1
kendahke Posted July 19, 2017 Posted July 19, 2017 I think what you did was wise. She's too busy or is making her life seem too busy and there is nothing invested whatsoever. Well done. 3
ChatroomHero Posted July 19, 2017 Posted July 19, 2017 You took emotion and attraction out of the equation and made a good decision. If you invited her over for dinner and she rang the doorbell and when you opened it, punched you in the stomach and ran off, invited her the next night and the same thing happened...if she called the night after that and suggested she come to your place for dinner you would be wrong to assume/hope anything would happen other than you get punched in the stomach again. You judged her on her actions. She did nothing wrong, but her actions show she is probably not very dateable to most people because of her schedule if not other things. Too many people would think she was attractive, nice...what's the harm? Then they end up having what they think is an amazing date and spend the next 4-5 months frustrated because this great person they have great chemistry with them can't find 1/2 hour to meet them for lunch and winds up in a frustrating text only relationship. The bonus would be fighting for months for a second date and hearing all about her busy schedule and then seeing on Facebook about her girl's night out and the concert she had time for and the baseball game she was able to go to because someone gave her free tickets at the last minute... You realized that odds were more likely that was the outcome than anything solid and made a smart choice based on her actions. 4
SevenCity Posted July 19, 2017 Posted July 19, 2017 You would be surprised how a woman opens up her schedule when she likes you. She would only really like you after a date. 5
Author Robratory Posted July 19, 2017 Author Posted July 19, 2017 plus she may have had other summer plans in place The fact she attempted to get some time with you while she had some down time makes me think she was at least interested enough to take some time to see if something was there. This is San Francisco. We don't have summers. Like you said, coffee is just an hour or two. Nobody doesn't have an hour or two for two solid months. I think her busyness really indicates she had very little interest.
Author Robratory Posted July 19, 2017 Author Posted July 19, 2017 Too many people would think she was attractive, nice...what's the harm? Then they end up having what they think is an amazing date and spend the next 4-5 months frustrated because this great person they have great chemistry with them can't find 1/2 hour to meet them for lunch and winds up in a frustrating text only relationship. The bonus would be fighting for months for a second date and hearing all about her busy schedule and then seeing on Facebook about her girl's night out and the concert she had time for and the baseball game she was able to go to because someone gave her free tickets at the last minute... OMG, that's exactly right! Thank you for putting it into words. 1
kendahke Posted July 19, 2017 Posted July 19, 2017 Too many people would think she was attractive, nice...what's the harm? Then they end up having what they think is an amazing date and spend the next 4-5 months frustrated because this great person they have great chemistry with them can't find 1/2 hour to meet them for lunch and winds up in a frustrating text only relationship. The bonus would be fighting for months for a second date and hearing all about her busy schedule and then seeing on Facebook about her girl's night out and the concert she had time for and the baseball game she was able to go to because someone gave her free tickets at the last minute... Exactly. We read it here all the time. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, stop calling it an eagle... 1
Miss Spider Posted July 19, 2017 Posted July 19, 2017 (edited) I'll bet something fell through with a guy she really liked so she's digging around at the bottom of her contacts... Anyone that agrees to a date someone who flakes twice and brushes them off for 2 months - just where is your dignity?. I get that people want to give people they like the benefit of doubt but enough is enough. Look at the threads on here and it's pretty evident the pessimistic position 9/10 is the on the money Edited July 19, 2017 by Cookiesandough
Chilli Posted July 19, 2017 Posted July 19, 2017 Yeah, you did the right thing l think. And who wants somebody too busy to see you anyway, waiting mths for a coffee, bit ridiculous. If she really wanted to she would've made that happen long ago.
Author Robratory Posted July 28, 2017 Author Posted July 28, 2017 (edited) I posted this a week ago. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/629828-i-had-say-no It's not TL so don't DR. Someone asked how she reacted after I turned her down in email. I didn't answer at the time because I got no reaction until yesterday, when she replied to my email turning her down. She said it took her a while to "process everything," and then she explained why she had been so unavailable. She had two deaths in the family, plus she had to deal with two clients whose pets died (she's a professional pet sitter), plus her car broke down, plus she had to go back home for the funerals, and her family always makes her crazy, so she had to take a few days to decompress after returning. She also said she basically had no social circle (in my email turning her down, I had said "it seems like you just don't have the time to widen your social circle"), and that she would really like to see me again. The petty part of me thought for a split second to reply, "A man turns you down, and you write him back? What's wrong with you? Have some self-respect!" but of course, I didn't. I replied and said I was sorry to hear about all that, and ok, let me know when and where you want to meet. I actually think she's not playing games, but I also think she just doesn't have time. Either way, the lesson I've learned is not to get tangled up in stuff like this and turn into a bundle of angst pulling petals off flowers while mumbling she loves me, she loves me not. I'm just not allowing myself to care. I'll have time to care later, should she prove to be genuine (and have time available). Alright, thanks for reading. And don't let dating drive you nuts. Speaking of nuts, here's a fun thing you can do if you're daring. Tell the girl, "Oh, hey, I've been working on this magic trick all week. Yeah, I do magic. I've played around with it since I was twelve. Anyway, check it out! Watch carefully, because what I'm going to show you... you're going to be amazed! You're going to say, wow, that's nuts. Ok? Ok!" And then you show her your open fist, where you've been hiding... some nuts. If she punches you, it means she likes you. Edited July 28, 2017 by Robratory
ChatroomHero Posted July 28, 2017 Posted July 28, 2017 In my opinion if all her reasons were true, someone worth my time would respond pretty quickly and tell you what was going on. They might even lean on you as someone to talk to. I just lost someone close to me and while I am sad and will be going to a memorial and I am busy as hell, it is not all consuming. With someone I am talking to, if I was highly interested, I would let them know what's going on and that I am interested and let them know they are on my agenda, maybe delayed a bit. If I was on the fence or being flaky, I would pile on the list of things I have going on in a message well after the fact. At any point if I was dodging someone I could list 15 things I am dealing with bit in reality if I was way into her, I would be upfront and go out of my way to find a little time...in fact, seeing her would brighten my day. The whole thing about two clients having pets die is borderline ridiculous as a reason. In fact I'll say it, it's absurd as reasoning for not having time for you. Someone was straining to do some explaining. You are handling this perfectly. If she comes after you, great. But she is not worth dedicating any thought to until she does. Even then, approach with caution and judge her on her actions. It's actually very impressive how you handled it. You took a hard road but the right road. Good for you. 1
Author Robratory Posted August 10, 2017 Author Posted August 10, 2017 Most of the time, we never hear what wound up happening. Someone thinks they're being played, and we commiserate with them, but we never hear what happened. Short story version: met a woman, she agreed to go out, but then she was busy, so I let it go, and then she called two months later to say, ok, let's have that cup of coffee. I replied nicely that it looked like she was too busy, but thanks, and take care. She wrote back, asked for a second chance, and I said ok, let me know when it works for you. And then I put it out of my mind. Ten days went by, and she texted me, asking if I was busy the next day. I wasn't, so we actually did meet for coffee and wound up talking for three and a half hours. She was very nice, it wasn't awkward, and we'll see each other again. She said she had not dated for a while (we're both over 50), so it's not like I was on the back-burner. She's self employed and says it's flood or drought. Sometimes she's very busy for three weeks, and then she had nothing for two weeks. Plus there is a time management issue. How could there not be? Anyway, I guess the lesson is don't lock the door behind you, but don't stand there holding the door open either. I didn't blow her off, but I also didn't obsess over what was going to happen.
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