Did i overreact?

[Joyf]

Hi long time lurker looking for advice.

 

I will try to keep this short.Met a man about five years ago on online dating app. Conversation died out before meeting as it does sometimes. We reconnected via same dating app this winter. Spent a lot of time talking as i was moving to his city come spring.

 

We met briefly four months ago and then he reconnected with his ex. I did the same. Neither relationships were ideal and we discussed yhis openely. My relationship ended a month ago, and i'm over it as the second try wasnt sucessful. He got in touch again recently. I was down to hang out as friends going through break ups.

 

He took me out to his camp a week ago and we just chilled, talked listened to music and had some beers. Made out a little bit but it was awkward.

 

Fast forward to this monday night ( he works in food industry , i'm a nurse, it was our weekend). He invited me out to his friends cottage he was looking after...we went for a drive, a hike, had a fire, kissed a couple of times. I had fun. We also had the " not looking for anything serious "talk.

 

Woke up in the morning cuddling. He had to go his food truck to check on his employees and i went for the drive. He seemed hesistant to bring me, but i didnt clue into why until after we returned.

 

Anyhow, cue afternoon. His phone starts blowing up. Text after text and then ringing. I could hear his ex yelling " have some self respect" " what will your employees think of you showing up with some fattie, really good impression" ( i am overweight) she then went onto question if we had slept together and started commenting on my parenting being away overnight " so she just dumped her kid to go get drunk? " ( i was sober, my child is 17 and is currently away). He then left the room and stayed on the phone for an hour apologizing.

 

Cue awkward drive home. We had split everything 50 50. When i woke up in the morning i thought about it all, and i sent him an e transfer covering his half financially. I received a text saying " ummm...why did you send me money?" and i sent this reply "thought about it, and i realize how horrble that must have been to have to spend the day with me..." some fattie" who obviously doesnt give two flying f**ks about her kid....at least though, it served its purpose, it got her angry and got her talking to you, and it gave her the reassurance that even though she just wants to be friends, she still has enough influence and control to talk like that and you will do whatever you can to ensure she feels okay. Consider my fat a*s sitting out there a gift to both of you . No need for it to cost you a thing".

 

I feel horrible, as i am not usually mean..but this came on the heels of a bad relationship and I'd had such negative dating experiences over the past few years...i think i may be finally jaded and bitter.

 

I don't know?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

It doesn't really sound like HE disrespected you, so yes, you overreacted and lashed out in a way you should not have. However, this doesn't sound like a match made in heaven anyway, even before that happened.

[smackie9]

This guy is a meek little mouse of a man that can't stand up to his ex or at least control the situation. You don't need someone like that.....you need a real man that has his $^&* together and no ex baggage. Do not return.

 

I don't think you over reacted, you just said the wrong thing. You should have told him it was rude of him to even entertain the idea of answering his phone and let her rant like that. He DID disrespect you because he didn't hang up and shut his phone off. This fails...good-bye.

Edited July 27, 2017 by smackie9

[Miss Spider]

I would not have given his money back!! How does his ex know what you look like? She seems to still have him by the balls. What you said wasn't that offensive toward him, you were hurt.

[act00]

I appreciate your reasoning. The employees obviously have enough contact/friendship with the ex that they told her about you when you went to the food truck. That is a bit alarming, and rather disrespectful to the boss. Who's the boss? His ex?

 

The thing is, I could manage the vile of that phone call, at least this one time. This is a taste of future drama with an overlap between his job and his employees and his ex, so a bit of a flag there. But, again, in a "regular" situation, the phone call alone, and hopefully not a consistent occurrence, is something that can be brushed off, EXCEPT, he then spent the next hour apologizing and leaving you alone, especially after slinging insults.

 

That is the big issue for me, is that he didn't tell her to pound sand, and placated her. It was not discussed on the way home. I don't know if I would have wanted to get into it at all at this point either, but I might have tried.

 

Issues:

• What appears to be a continued attachment and jealousy from the ex, which could be a consistent issue if he doesn't tell her to back off. Question if they're truly broken up. Even if they are, she's still got her hooks in him. No boundaries.
  
• Overlap with work. He took you with him to check on the truck, and a bit later, the ex had been informed of you. Not only was she informed of you, but that you're a fatty, and lord only knows how your motherhood got dragged in. This is a bit frightening. It's like you're walking into enemy territory.
  
• He spent a great deal of time placating her and smoothing things over, going to a private area, so you don't know what was said, really. He didn't placate you and left you hanging. You heard what she said, and he just left you there. You should have been his priority.
  
• Hesitancy about taking you to the truck in the first place. I do give a thumbs up that he did, however, because that does speak that he's interested and wants you around. I can understand feeling nervous about incorporating a "new date" into the professional world, and certainly if he knew the potential ramifications with the ex, but this alone is actually good in that he did it because he does like you. The hesitancy is a bit disturbing, but at least understandable without the other factors.
  
• Loyalty and respect from subordinates. If this is his business, and these people became friendly with the ex, they are walking all over him as well while they gossip to the ex. Your (potential) boyfriend has some issues to deal with there. I'm not clear on the relationships with the ex and the truck and the employees. You don't need to walk into a mine-field any time you come in contact with mutual friends and relationships.
  

 

Now I'm a glutton for punishment and would probably give it another try if he reached out and apologized (since everything seemingly has been really great with this guy), but this high level of drama is a peek at the future if he cannot create boundaries and stick with them (and do you want to stick around while he tries?). His ex could be a constant source of contention, drama, and a constant tug-o-war between him and her, so if you do backtrack, be cautious, and definitely talk about what happened, what he wants, and what you expect him to do. It's probably not worth the time and effort, TBH, and best to cut ties now instead of later. He needs to sort out his sh**.

 

So the email was a bit harsh. He behaved badly. You were raw. I'm so sorry this happened.

 

As a side note, I was seeing a guy who's ex poked at him a couple times because she saw my car in the driveway (they live close to each other), and I have no idea if this played a role in the ultimate ghosting, but he didn't placate her and he stayed on the phone next to me on that one phone call and just got down to business with the kids' plans (divorced with kids). She was nowhere near that level of nasty vile, just more of a WTF moment.

[Joyf]

She was let go from her job in the spring. So he hired her. She lost her mind a few weeks back with jealousy and also through anger asked him to lay hee off. So he did.

 

She obviously was there expecting to see him and was shocked to see he wasnt there...i think she questioned the kids to be honest.

 

She also berated the state of tbe truck...i did at one point and say " if she quit her job, can this phone call please be over?" thats when he left the room.

 

I asked how she knows i have a child. Apparently she went through his phone a couple of weeks ago.

 

Anyhow i apologized for my reaction last night. He thanked me for that. I asked how things wrte snd he said " good, we're on good terms again".

 

So thats that...and when he hits me up next time she freaks out , i won't be available haha

[CloudyHead]

That is too much drama for me! I would not have given him the money. Don't be so hard on yourself. He is the one with issues with his ex and he allows his ex to influence/control his life. Just be glad you learned this now before you became emotionally invested.

[kendahke]

Hmmm... well, I can understand why you'd feel that way, but then, you have to remember that you agreed to "not looking for anything serious", and what he did is a part of that line of behavior.

 

Should he have just turned off the phone and dealt with her later? Yes, without a doubt. He didn't--he invested in her meltdown.

 

To your text: What you look like doesn't determine your worth as a romantic partner. No need for you to take it there just because his ex took it there--that says more about the kind of person she is than who you are. I'd have said something to him the next day, but I wouldn't have done it at the expense of my own esteem. You are worthy of a loving, reciprocal relationship; he's once again shown you that he's not the man for you.

 

When he popped back up after that, I'd make sure to let him know that it's apparent he isn't emotionally done with his ex and wish him well in his life, but that you will not be a part of it.

 

Hopefully, you won't have to bump into him too much when you move to his city.

[JuneL]

Is it just me, or does anyone also think the guy was using you to get a reaction from his ex? I just can't imagine any sensible person would not cut the ex off the phone when she started to yell those rude things about you. In any case, they deserve each other.

[smackie9]

Next time? You can do better than him. Too much baggage even for something casual.

[Joyf]

I definitely feel as though he used me to get a reaction. Hence the text saying a gift to both of you.

 

And yes, i know looks aernt everything. He and i jived enough personality wise that i felt he may be someone who would be able to look past it.

 

Whatever, two dates, no love lost.

 

I could have handled it in a more mature fashion , hence the apology.

 

Oh , and i checked today... He totally accepted the e transfer haha.

[O'Malley]

 

Oh , and i checked today... He totally accepted the e transfer haha.

 

Well, he's already transferred his cojones to his ex, so he probably figures he doesn't have any pride left to lose...