Read her Facebook messages

[Supernatural]

I used to bang this married woman back in my 20's. She would have me come over in the mornings after her husband left for work. One day, as she was giving me a BJ on her couch, her husband called from work to ask her a question. They talked for a few mins, she told him she loved him, and they hung up. She then went back to giving me that BJ. Take from that what you will.

 

That's heartbreaking.

[Supernatural]

Okay.

 

So taking in to account all the Facebook messages and everything.. I realized something through her actions and texts.

 

She is trying to push me away. And I don't know why.

 

I don't know why, and it's kind of annoying. Yes, shes been messaging with guys but not in a massively flirty way; almost more-so to know she's wanted. She has options.. But the biggest thing that strikes me, is that she consistently tries to stall the momentum or pull away. I don't get it though. Things like: "I hate the label of being someone's GF", she thinks she isn't relationship material, she doesn't know of things will workout long-term.. etc

 

Because at the same time of all this weird pulling away, she buys us books to read together, is currently planning a trip to Thailand with me, writes things she's grateful for that we have, pays for meals, answers my calls, calls me back, we meet every Sunday and talk about our goals, do face masks, hangout every weekend, we have sex often, she tells me her dog loves me and he's never liked anyone as much as me, she's affectionate in public, she tells me she had a good weekend with me, etc etc.. so many great things

 

She's openly admitted she's afraid of commitment. I've given her a few open opportunities to walk away - to end it all and she's never taken it and always comes back to I'm 'the only one she wants.' She gets a little jealous if I talk about some exes. She gets moody when I'm not around. But in person everything is fine. She usually pulls away when I'm not around.

 

We have a good relationship, we connect, go on dates, talk about deep things, have sex, plan trips, but it's so hard to keep things afloat and have peace of mind with everything when she's also trying to burn it down or is questioning everything for literally no reason. No reason.

 

i know people here are going to say walk away. But I really don't want to. I don't want to think of the fact that she may sleep with someone else if I did leave, nor do I want to sleep with anyone else. That thought makes me sick. I want is her.

But I also don't want a relationship where I'm taken for granted and there's unnessicary drama.

 

 

Help

Edited August 3, 2017 by Supernatural

[anna121]

 

I caught one conversation the other night, before I vowed to never go on again - which I haven't. And in this conversation with a guy who lives across the country, she said we have a deep deep connection and a bunch of other great things. Blah blah...

However, she also said in the beginning she wasn't fully attracted to me physically; this was number 1.

#2.. My career isn't in full bloom/not sure if I have enough ambition.

#3 Monetary issues could pose a problem (an effect of #2).

And finally #4, she has always had this fear... If people see her with someone, me in this case, she is afraid they will think "What is she doing with him!?"

These are all very shallow, yup.

 

 

This is what she thinks of you. It is...not pretty. I'm not saying she doesn't care about you, but for a woman to say all of these things about the man in her life is a really bad sign.

 

I don't know why she is staying with you - perhaps she really likes having a boyfriend and feels most secure when she knows the feelings are more on-sided in her favour.

 

Is this how you want to feel for the rest of the relationship? Because that's what you're looking at.

[Bastile]

Help

 

Help yourself by stop being so codependent.

 

She's a branchswinger. She's already arranged a meet-up with one of her pursuers for "riding bikes" (more like behind the bike-sheds).

 

The way you deal with a branchswinger is simple. You make them work to keep what they have - rather than being a secure branch whilst the monkey swings around for the next.

 

All you need to do is start gaming other women. Even if it's simply getting numbers. She'll notice a change in the dynamics, however subtle.

 

Women are hard-wired to perceive when their security is threatened. This is why when people tell me on here that men whilst multi-dating should explain that they are clearly, I have to laugh. I've never needed to. Nobody needs to.

 

Start diversifying your attentions, and chase some other skirt.

[JS84]

You sound very emotionally invested, anxious, and out of sorts over a woman you've only been dating for 3 months.

 

If I were in your shoes I would have walked away by now. An attention seeking women (especially attractive an one) who has poor boundaries and excessive contact with the opposite sex who are constantly inappropriate with her is not a good partner.

 

You should bail now before you find yourself getting hurt. I really don't see this having a happy ending.

[Supernatural]

You sound very emotionally invested, anxious, and out of sorts over a woman you've only been dating for 3 months.

 

If I were in your shoes I would have walked away by now. An attention seeking women (especially attractive an one) who has poor boundaries and excessive contact with the opposite sex who are constantly inappropriate with her is not a good partner.

 

You should bail now before you find yourself getting hurt. I really don't see this having a happy ending.

 

Yea I am. That's because the connection we have and the things we've done, time we've shared and what we want from our future has been quite heavy.

 

I mean, every Sunday we have a weekly goal setting session. We go on dates often and the things she has told me and shared with me have been quite intimate. It's not your typical three month relationship by any means.

 

I just don't get why she would do all these things if she wasn't really interested. She tells me she loves me. But her texts lately don't say love. She sounds confused.

I personally chalk it up to fear. Fear of being close.

 

Her mom and her don't have a good relationship at all. And her dad left her mom when she was long, essentially abandoning her. Maybe this is just some deep rooted issues. I don't know.

 

It's complicated for no reason. And like I said.. when given the chance to walk away on her part of end it all; she doesn't. And that says something. She could have just about any guy she wanted. Nothing makes sense

[The411]

You need both love and tough love here:

 

1. Anytime you as a male feel the need to snoop the relationship is over. It may not end immediately (Even though you should end it immediately), but it is over because you no longer trust the person you are with and no relationship can survive without trust.

 

2. Anytime a woman a woman says she's not worthy of a relationship or she is afraid of commitment or anything similar, believe her. Get away from this type of woman as fast as you can because she's going to destroy the relationship.

 

3. Your relationship is special to you because you are in it. However, to anyone else that has no investment it is no different than any other relationship. Anytime you are rationalizing/defending/ or explaining a woman's behavior you've been far too long and need to leave. Think about it. Why should have to rationalize bad/disrespectful behavior, and why would stick around for it? Sticking around gives tacit approval of the bad behavior.

 

4. If you stay in this relationship you will waste time with a woman who will only hurt instead of spending finding/being with a girl who actually likes you for you.

I guarantee this will end badly for you unless you get out.

[Supernatural]

You need both love and tough love here:

 

1. Anytime you as a male feel the need to snoop the relationship is over. It may not end immediately (Even though you should end it immediately), but it is over because you no longer trust the person you are with and no relationship can survive without trust.

 

2. Anytime a woman a woman says she's not worthy of a relationship or she is afraid of commitment or anything similar, believe her. Get away from this type of woman as fast as you can because she's going to destroy the relationship.

 

3. Your relationship is special to you because you are in it. However, to anyone else that has no investment it is no different than any other relationship. Anytime you are rationalizing/defending/ or explaining a woman's behavior you've been far too long and need to leave. Think about it. Why should have to rationalize bad/disrespectful behavior, and why would stick around for it? Sticking around gives tacit approval of the bad behavior.

 

4. If you stay in this relationship you will waste time with a woman who will only hurt instead of spending finding/being with a girl who actually likes you for you.

I guarantee this will end badly for you unless you get out.

 

I'm not rationlizing her bad behaviour. I just don't understand it. One minute it's super hot and good, then it's cold.

Most of your points are right though. Her actions are all over the place. Why book a trip to Thailand together though?

[Supernatural]

I am afraid that is not very rare for a 3 month relationship at all. I've had first dates like that, where they spent the night at my place, talking about everything, sharing secrets, and having sex every couple hours or so.

 

 

 

People are already telling you why she does these things and you don't want to believe them. It's pretty obvious at this point that she is hot and you will convince yourself of anything just to justify keeping her around. People do it all the time. Me, I have too much pride to stay with a woman I trust so little that I have to keep checking her Facebook messages all the time so I know when she is making dates with other dudes.

 

People are saying because she likes to have a boyfriend, and have a guy interested in her.

I don't think this is true. Like I said, she's hot. She could pick just about any guy or multiple guys to do that. Why would she do goal setting sessions, say she loves me, wrote down point of gratitude about me, make me dinner, etc etc!? That doesn't make sense

[The411]

I'm not rationlizing her bad behaviour. I just don't understand it. One minute it's super hot and good, then it's cold.

Most of your points are right though. Her actions are all over the place. Why book a trip to Thailand together though?

 

She doesn't exactly sound like the paragon of stability does she? I'm starting to get cluster B vibes about this woman, which is extremely dangerous for you.

 

She wants to go to Thailand and she needs you to go with her to not feel alone and to be safe.

 

Hell you can go, but I bet she'll be talking to other guys on the trip and you'll feel miserable because you thought you were going with someone who would treat you like a boyfriend and not someone who treats you like a side piece.

[Supernatural]

While I have everyone here...

this is our conversation today. I'm pretty upset about it all. Semi ready to walk away.

Context.. tomorrow we're leaving for a weekend to go visit my friends, staying at their place. Where were going to go dancing, they have a hot tub, walks, dinners, etc. She hasn't met my friends yet. And she's pretty intimidated to go dancing.

She's been pretty stressed out with things over her mom lately and also coming off depression medication.

 

Me: Hey, saw your email..

If you need to talk about your mindset lately or vent to me, you can.

you always feel better after you spill your thoughts, remember

 

Her:Thanks... yeah no it's nothing new or anything in particular so it won't make any difference.

 

Me: Ok. If you want to vent and talk you can call me

 

Her: Trip bad timing. I really haven't any interest in meeting people. I'm irritable and uncaring.

 

Me:I can understand that. But know being surrounded with good people will alter your state to a better place.

 

I talked to my coworker about depression meds (I didn't mention you, or you were coming off of them).

And he said for about 1 month he felt quite off - Irritable, annoyed at everything, and generally just off.

He researched and talked to his doctor about it and all the feelings he was going through was essentially withdrawal. Since then he said getting off the meds was the best thing. He was on quite a high dose also.

 

Her: Yeah I just really don't feel like playing some stupid role this weekend. I'm not trying to impress anyone, I really don't care. It's weird enough having a label as someone's GF (which I don't like).

 

Yeah, hopefully that is part of my irritability and temper.

 

It's not that bad, I feel clear and better overall. Maybe just too clear.

 

Me: What are you feeling clear about?

 

Her: I'm not this nice spiritual person I play off to be.

Not at all.

I need excitement, change

 

Me: Ok

 

You don't have to play any role. Always just want you to be yourself and real.

I love calling you my girlfriend, however if you don't like being called my girlfriend or want to be that, we can stop. If that's what you want?

 

 

Last text was sent at 10:45am. It's now 6:12pm here. See what I mean..

[HarmonyDriven]

IMO, I would discuss what you found on Facebook, in a non confrontational way. Let her know what you did was wrong but feel so disappointed in what she has done, you are hurt.

 

It sounds as if she already knows you are a little insecure, and this would prove it. BUT! she is doing what you fear - flirting with other guys, clearly keeping her options open.

 

Interesting to note, you said she loves you. If this was the case, she would not be communicating with guys the way she is. I don't care if she likes the flattery or not....sounds like she is insecure as well.....possibly needing validation she is hot....blah blah blah....

 

I would discuss the issue with her and she how she reacts. If you keep it bottled up, resentment will set in. Might as well clear the air. If she gets mad you snooped, get mad (not just hurt) that she does not value the relationship like you do. Hopefully, you will know which way to go - keep relationship or let it go.....

 

Good luck.....definitely a sticky situation.

===============

 

Just saw last text regarding email exchange......ugh..... probably not an ideal time to have her go with you this weekend, might be a downer.

And 8 hours later, still no response. Not good. And you still have the Facebook issue.....

Edited August 4, 2017 by HarmonyDriven

[Bastile]

That conversation....

 

You aren't being legit. You don't want that conversation - no one does. If she weren't a hot girl with a round arse, you wouldn't want to be hearing that crap.

 

2 frames/states of mind. Hers and yours. Whose do you think is dominant there?

 

Hers. And she's bloody miserable and boring.

 

Rather than checking her on it, or having fun, or doing much of anything, you are being her emotional-tampon. And I assume with everything you've said that those are the dynamics of your relationship.

 

Attraction before comfort. Always. The reverse will make her dryer than the sahara desert.

 

I'm telling you that you don't want someone like me to come along and start pursuing her. She will cheat. No matter how "in love" you think that you are.

Edited August 4, 2017 by Bastile

[Miss Spider]

People are saying because she likes to have a boyfriend, and have a guy interested in her.

I don't think this is true. Like I said, she's hot. She could pick just about any guy or multiple guys to do that. Why would she do goal setting sessions, say she loves me, wrote down point of gratitude about me, make me dinner, etc etc!? That doesn't make sense

 

If she's hot she could prolly choose from a lot of guys who'd hookup with her..but not gf her. That's why she has trouble w that label. Jeez that convo.Most guys would FwB or something, but any guy who gf her is a masochist, naive, or desperate for a rship. That's prob why she's with you, no offense. She's got serious issues and this is coming from someone who isn't exactly the paragon of stability themselves.

 

You should break up with her before she does it first, .sounds like she's got her foot out the door anyway

[Supernatural]

That conversation....

 

You aren't being legit. You don't want that conversation - no one does. If she weren't a hot girl with a round arse, you wouldn't want to be hearing that crap.

 

2 frames/states of mind. Hers and yours. Whose do you think is dominant there?

 

Hers. And she's bloody miserable and boring.

 

Rather than checking her on it, or having fun, or doing much of anything, you are being her emotional-tampon. And I assume with everything you've said that those are the dynamics of your relationship.

 

Attraction before comfort. Always. The reverse will make her dryer than the sahara desert.

 

I'm telling you that you don't want someone like me to come along and start pursuing her. She will cheat. No matter how "in love" you think that you are.

 

Man, I know all this. Trust me. Do you know why she thinks I'm a bore, if that is the case? Comparison.. to.. enter her ex..

 

How does someone who's an aspiring actor, working as a server, compete to her last boyfriend 4 years ago. Who was a multi-million aire but treated her like ahit? She's used to driving ferraris, living in a penthouse, all that, money was no issue, constantly travelling, she was rich (all her words)

 

But I digress, I get what you're saying.

 

She just responded; finally.. she said....

 

Her: ok, thanks for saying that. Let's just ignore what I said earlier.

 

Now what?

[HarmonyDriven]

IMO, too much drama. And you still have the Facebook issue to contend with...

 

She's a hot mess.....do you really want this kind of relationship? Isn't it exhausting....? I'm exhausted for you.

[Miss Spider]

Man, I know all this. Trust me. Do you know why she thinks I'm a bore, if that is the case? Comparison.. to.. enter her ex..

 

How does someone who's an aspiring actor, working as a server, compete to her last boyfriend 4 years ago. Who was a multi-million aire but treated her like ahit? She's used to driving ferraris, living in a penthouse, all that, money was no issue, constantly travelling, she was rich (all her words)

 

But I digress, I get what you're saying.

 

She just responded; finally.. she said....

 

Her: ok, thanks for saying that. Let's just ignore what I said earlier.

 

Now what?

 

She's Not That Into You

 

 

Sorry if this sounds harsh

 

She wanna guy with ferraris, the most "attractive" guy(she said this pretty much) but she can't land those right now so she's with you.

 

She's entertaining these other guys because she's planning on monkey branching on out this relationship, but for now you are better than nothing.

 

She's got depression, she's insecure, needs excitement, validation from others , etc

 

This is not the kind of person you have a healthy relationship. She needs more(or better) therapy and med combo.

[Bastile]

Man, I know all this. Trust me. Do you know why she thinks I'm a bore, if that is the case? Comparison.. to.. enter her ex..

 

How does someone who's an aspiring actor, working as a server, compete to her last boyfriend 4 years ago. Who was a multi-million aire but treated her like ahit? She's used to driving ferraris, living in a penthouse, all that, money was no issue, constantly travelling, she was rich (all her words)

 

But I digress, I get what you're saying.

 

She just responded; finally.. she said....

 

Her: ok, thanks for saying that. Let's just ignore what I said earlier.

 

Now what?

 

Just say "no worries". Leave it there.

 

If she doesn't get back to you, then you start another convo with better energy another time.

 

If she does get back to you, then she is investing. And you be more aware of what energy she is bringing you. Seek to change it, if you don't like it.

[Miss Spider]

OP you're finna get your heart and dignity trampled on. You deserve better. Don't say we didn't warn you.

[Supernatural]

Just say "no worries". Leave it there.

 

If she doesn't get back to you, then you start another convo with better energy another time.

 

If she does get back to you, then she is investing. And you be more aware of what energy she is bringing you. Seek to change it, if you don't like it.

 

It's hard to change someone's energy. Especially when she's getting upset at me for no reason and just being really rude for no reason too. She is treating me like some used tampon, when I'm only treating her like gold. Maybe she thinks she doesn't deserve great treatment. I know most guys have treated her poorly.

 

I'm so tempted to just say 'No. I'm done.' And then go away for the weekend.

[Supernatural]

Just say "no worries". Leave it there.

 

If she doesn't get back to you, then you start another convo with better energy another time.

 

If she does get back to you, then she is investing. And you be more aware of what energy she is bringing you. Seek to change it, if you don't like it.

 

Say 'no worries' and then.. I'm assuming she doesn't get back to me tonight.. I'd have to reach out to her tomorrow and tell her what time I'm going to pick her up. So once again I'm chasing..?

[bachdude]

OP, I just read through the whole thread. At this point in her life, she is not capable of a healthy relationship. She needs therapy, and lots of it.

 

Her desperate need for male attention may be her attempt to try to fill the huge void in her heart from her absent father. She is not stable and she is even warning you of this fact. She knows herself and she doesn't even trust herself in a relationship.

 

Look OP, trying to be her therapist by inviting her to vent and unload all over you will drain you. And in the end, she won't be any better.

 

It seems to be obvious to virtually everyone here; this is a bad situation for you. Many of us have been in realationships with people like this and are speaking from experience and are trying to warn you.

 

If you insist on staying with her, just please don't marry her or get her pregnant! Take birth control into your own hands.

 

Life is short. Spend it wisely.

[Supernatural]

Say "no worries" and then don't text her back, period. She doesn't want to go on your trip, so quit trying to force her into it. Go on your trip and have a good time. Don't text her at all. Let her come back to you. Even if/when she does, do not have long, crappy, emotional conversations with her while you are on your trip. Focus on having a good time with your friends. When you get back, if you still want to keep seeing her, check her Facebook messages again. I am thinking that she will seek out other people while you're gone.

 

I actually do think she wants to go. Otherwise she wouldn't have said 'let's ignore what I said'

[JS84]

It's clear you're going to play this out as long as you can. Like I said, this isn't going to have a happy ending but good luck regardless.

[Supernatural]

It's clear you're going to play this out as long as you can. Like I said, this isn't going to have a happy ending but good luck regardless.

 

It's very hard to walk away. There's so much good in our relationship, that can't be seen here. But yes, she is also treating me poorly for no reason