Read her Facebook messages

[Supernatural]

I guess the best thing is to pull back some and see what she does..

I'm an attractive guy too. And have people who ask me out and message me quite regularly. Maybe I should do what she's doing until she realizes I'm not quite as 'easy'..

[OatsAndHall]

I guess the best thing is to pull back some and see what she does..

I'm an attractive guy too. And have people who ask me out and message me quite regularly. Maybe I should do what she's doing until she realizes I'm not quite as 'easy'..

 

I'll be blunt here; why play those games with her? Pull back, see how she responds, figure out how you're going to respond, respond, see how she responds... It's a a vicious circle that is going to have your head spinning even more.

 

I really don't understand why people put themselves through this kind of turmoil when it comes to dating/relationships. I don't know this woman you are seeing or much about your relationship period (it's an internet forum..) but she either doesn't have much invested in your relationship or she's an attention seeker. It doesn't bode well for you either way.

[olivetree]

I guess the best thing is to pull back some and see what she does..

I'm an attractive guy too. And have people who ask me out and message me quite regularly. Maybe I should do what she's doing until she realizes I'm not quite as 'easy'..

 

Pulling back is not going to stop her messaging other guys.

It will likely increase her need for external validation.

 

If you do what she is doing then you deserve each other.

Her actions are incredibly immature, and so is this mindset.

Her behaviour should neither be tolerated nor avenged.

 

Your only choice is to 1) call her out on it, trust that she stops or 2) walk away.

We both know that your trust isn't going to increase, so where does that leave you?

[frigginlost]

The best way to think about it, is this:

 

As pointed out, you seem to be a stand-up guy that goes all in. You invest. You build the ground work and foundation for a truly meaning full relationship where you and your partner no matter hell or high water will somehow find a way through whatever you are presented with.

 

Your girlfriend does the opposite. There is no need for her to invest or build anything because there is always an "out". Women who keep orbiters around are horrible in relationships because there is really no need for them to be in one and they know it. Now, whatever wiring in their head that is sparking incorrectly and causing it is not something you can fix by anything you do. They simply are wired incorrectly for any sort of true meaning full relationship.

 

To put it another way: Your relationship is new. When the honeymoon period ends and the real work starts, where do you think she is going to head the first time you and her butt heads over something?

 

Smackie9 has it correct. Enjoy the roll in the hay with her until something better comes along, because basically it sounds as if she is doing the same...

[d0nnivain]

You have been dating 3 months, a mere 90 days. This is hardly a lifetime commitment.

 

She gave you her FB password to use her Spotify account. You used it to snoop around. Then you found conversations not meant for your eyes. I suspect that she thinks they are innocent which is why she trusted you with her password. You think they are shady.

 

If this relationship has any hope of progressing you have to tell her what you did & read. More importantly you have to tell her how it made you feel. If you don't share with her your anxiety & vulnerability about it, she won't know how insecure you are. Then the ball is in her court. She has to decide how pissed she is at you for reading her messages. If she gets past that, then she has to decide if she wants to change her behavior to accommodate you. If she isn't willing to change -- stop flirting with these guys & shut them down completely when they cross the lines -- you can't stay with her because you will become a paranoid wreck.

 

Note: I am not saying she was dishonest or that she cheated. I'm not saying you have to wholesale accept what she's doing.

 

I am saying that right now you two draw lines in different places about what opposite sex friend contact is appropriate. Unless you can agree on where that line is supposed to be & you do so after full disclosure of your snooping, you don't have a proper foundation upon which to build a relationship.

[bachdude]

Although when a guy flirts with her or something similar and says "let's be naughty on the side" she doesn't completely shut it down. And she even makes plans to hangout the following week for just a bicycle ride.

 

Has this been missed by the previous posters? A guy says "Let's be naughty on the side" and she makes plans to hang out with him anyway "just for a bike ride"? (Wink, wink)

 

Seriously?

 

A bike ride??

 

Not to be alarmist or anything, but isn't this HIGHLY SUSPICIOUS?????

[Usename12]

Two wrongs don't make a right. If you think she is doing something bad and you basically do the same thing, you become what you hate. She is who she is and likely won't change any time soon. So if this doesn't work for you, just end it. Don't use her until something better comes along or any other nonsense advise. Don't be a game player.

[TheBathWater]

Yes. I made a mistake. I know it wasn't right. So we all agree I should have never read her Facebook messages, but I did. So let's not slam my past actions but rather figure out what to do to help this situation. Please don't shame me, as it's not going to help anything as I know it's wrong already. Thanks.

 

Now..

 

I read her Facebook messages because I struggle with trust. In the early early stages of our relationship she was seeing another guy after me and her initially started up. They slept together but she ended up going for me. She told me everything through a message. This never helped my trust issues and fear.

 

We've been dating for a couple months now. And she gave me her Facebook password to use her Spotify account. One night I was tripping out and reading too much in to our texts.. I go on her Facebook and read messages.

 

She has guys messaging her and flattering her, conplimentening, etc. Eventually asking for dates and such. She usually says she is seeing someone, if a guy asks her out.

Although when a guy flirts with her or something similar and says "let's be naughty on the side" she doesn't completely shut it down. And she even makes plans to hangout the following week for just a bicycle ride.

Guys ask her to go to LA and say they miss her. She doesn't say "ya I'm coming" or anything. She doesn't even acknowledge the sexual talk, but rather she keeps the conversation going.. And she continues to chat with them and entertain the idea; almost as if she is playing with them and leading them on.

 

I feel horribly guilty that I've betrayed the trust and it sucks that she is flirting or even messaging with these guys regularly. I don't ever think she would cheat on me, but it's almost as though she is emotionally cheating and being deceptive in these sceneries. It's like she is keeping her options open.

I mean, we have a pretty good relationship. Sex often, dates, future plans, open communication for the most part, etc

 

Should I tell her that I went on her Facebook and feel guilty, or should I just forget about it?

 

I'm stuck, because I so badly want to fully trust her, but it's difficult knowing she is entertaining these guys like this...

 

When you say that guys are asking her to be naughty on the side and she doesn't shut them down, is she actually messaging back and forth with them and flirting, or is she simply not responding? I wouldn't be concerned if she's simply not responding. Practically all women get messaged by strangers on facebook who proposition them, try to flatter them, etc... I've heard the stories.

 

It's a good sign when a woman is actively rejecting men and saying she is seeing someone, or if she is not responding at all. I would only be concerned if you have hard evidence that she is sexting or making plans with other guys. From what you have written, I don't think you have anything to be concerned about, except...

 

It seems like you have some trust issues. Anyone who has ever been suspicious of anything and gone fishing for evidence has always found something that they can interpret in a negative light (myself included).

 

Have you been cheated on in the past? Has your girlfriend cheated on any of her ex boyfriends? Do you have a trauma history? Do you feel secure with yourself and feel you deserve to be loved? These are all important questions to consider and see if there could be something influencing the way you feel.

 

Like I said, based on what you wrote, my perspective is that there isn't much to be concerned about except that it seems you may be reading too much into things. If you think it would be helpful, you could sit down with your girlfriend and tell her about what you saw, that you realize you might have some trust issues but that you'd like to work through it, and see if the two of you can figure out a way to feel more comfortable in the relationship as you do some work on yourself in the area of trust.

 

I hope at least some of this is useful information for you. I wish you well.

[Miss Spider]

I wonder if there are other flags which caused you to go through her FB in the first place. At best, she likes attention from other men, which can be a very big indicator of insecurity...but you know that because she's already told you.

 

"Always wonders if the guy she is with is attractive enough" ><< It's not enough for her to be attracted to the guy ...she always wonders if it's "enough"? Why? Who is she trying to measure up to on a superficial basis like that??

 

Says she's afraid of commitment and putting herself into things fully <<< another minor red flag

[bachdude]

I would only be concerned if you have hard evidence that she is sexting or making plans with other guys. From what you have written, I don't think you have anything to be concerned about, except

 

But he is saying that she has made plans to meet at least one of them...

 

"And she even makes plans to hangout the following week for just a bicycle ride."

 

I am wondering who is is that she made plans to meet. Is this a long time friend? Is this an acquaintance? Or is this a complete stranger?

 

OP, can you provide more detail about the guy she met for a bike ride? What exactly did this guy say to her? Do you know who he is? Did she go on the bike ride already and did she tell you where she was going or did she keep it to herself?

Edited July 28, 2017 by bachdude

[OatsAndHall]

Far too often, "art imitates life" when it comes to social media.

 

I have been doing my best not to drag my ex-wife or divorce into my posts as I don't like beating a dead horse but I have a story that is pertinent to this situation.

 

As I have stated before, she had very few boundaries with other men when it came to social media. Guys would post disgusting things on her page, flirt with her, and just generally act like pigs. I'd be told that I didn't trust her when I would confront her about letting this behavior continue. And, she tell me that "it's just Facebook". I wasn't jealous; I wanted her to have more respect for herself and our marriage.

 

We were at a wedding once and this older man was hitting on her and insulting me for about twenty minutes. He asked her what she was doing with an "ugly fella" like me and making comments about her body. I asked him to knock it off twice but he kept it up. I finally had enough of it and confronted him in a very blunt and angry manner. He backed off in a hurry. It took me awhile to calm down but it wasn't just because of him; it was because she could stand by and let him behave the way he did and not say anything. But, I let it go because I wasn't going ruin a good evening by fighting over an old pervert. I enjoyed the wedding and reception and then got jumped after because I was "rude to that harmless old man" and that I "was just showing that I was a jealous a--".

 

So, her behavior via social media spilled right over into RL. And, I think the OP might see the same thing if he continues this relationship.

[Supernatural]

Has this been missed by the previous posters? A guy says "Let's be naughty on the side" and she makes plans to hang out with him anyway "just for a bike ride"? (Wink, wink)

 

Seriously?

 

A bike ride??

 

Not to be alarmist or anything, but isn't this HIGHLY SUSPICIOUS?????

 

 

 

 

"Always wonders if the guy she is with is attractive enough" ><< It's not enough for her to be attracted to the guy ...she always wonders if it's "enough"? Why? Who is she trying to measure up to on a superficial basis like that??

 

Says she's afraid of commitment and putting herself into things fully <<< another minor red flag

 

Yea, I thought it was a little bit strange that she has always wondered this about every single partner. I may be thinking it is a self belief that she thinks she isn't attractive or something and is projecting. Not fully sure on this.

 

But he is saying that she has made plans to meet at least one of them...

 

"And she even makes plans to hangout the following week for just a bicycle ride."

 

I am wondering who is is that she made plans to meet. Is this a long time friend? Is this an acquaintance? Or is this a complete stranger?

 

OP, can you provide more detail about the guy she met for a bike ride? What exactly did this guy say to her? Do you know who he is? Did she go on the bike ride already and did she tell you where she was going or did she keep it to herself?

 

The guy is someone she has chatted with for quite some time. I would say two years. She's made plans with him several times in the past but it read as if the plans never happened. This guy is not attractive but he keeps pursuing her and flattering her. He even has a girlfriend. It's kind of disgusting. She never said anything sexual back even though he was doing it to her. She was more-so interested in the actual bike ride.

She has admitted she cheated on a boyfriend when she was 18 or 20 (cant remember) but she said she would never do it again.

It seems as if she just really likes the attention this guy gives... for some reason.

 

---

 

I don't really know what she is doing. When I read her messages they were mostly from guys. Guys who flatter her and make her feel good. Mostly lame guys. No guy that messaged her intimidated me whatsoever. She doesn't have a lot of girlfriends. so I'm thinking it comes down to boredom in her own life. So this would breed a possible insecurity. And if some guys over the net are going to flirt with her.. Maybe it makes her feel better?

 

I caught one conversation the other night, before I vowed to never go on again - which I haven't. And in this conversation with a guy who lives across the country, she said we have a deep deep connection and a bunch of other great things. Blah blah...

However, she also said in the beginning she wasn't fully attracted to me physically; this was number 1.

#2.. My career isn't in full bloom/not sure if I have enough ambition.

#3 Monetary issues could pose a problem (an effect of #2).

And finally #4, she has always had this fear... If people see her with someone, me in this case, she is afraid they will think "What is she doing with him!?"

These are all very shallow, yup.

 

But the funny thing about everything stated here and in my original post... We read books together on relationships, go on lots of dates, talked once on the phone for 14 hours!, have sex often, we're going on a weekend getaway this next weekend - so she'll meet my friends for the first time, spend days together, sleep overs, she tells me how much her dog loves me and he hasn't loved anyone else like me, she will tell me "I love you" without being prompted by me, she opens up to me about her rough childhood, she asks my opinion, etc.

 

Nothing really makes sense. We had a blowout the other weekend because, ya, i read her messages, although I didn't tell her; i just couldn't. I made something else up. I learned my lesson.

Anyways, I straight up said "if you want to end it with me, do it. This is your golden opportunity." after we talked for about an hour and a half. And she said "that's not at all what I want. I don't even want space. This is all my fears. I have a lot."

 

I just don't get why a woman would chat with guys on the side who are essentially duds, when she already has a good one?

 

I mean, you can say "shes hedging her bets", "shes not fully in to you", etc. But then why the heck would she read relationship books with me and everything else I stated? And after not dating anyone seriously for a couple years, enter one with someone just for the hell of it!? ...Makes no sense if she actually wasn't in to me.

[Supernatural]

This girl you are seeing is not relationship material, period. You do not have a problem with jealousy, she has a problem with loyalty.

 

If you can't beat them, join them. Any decent looking girl is gonna have more admirers online than her man will. You can't compete with her there. However, you can still play her game. She is dating you but keeping all those other guys around as backups. You need to do the same. Start talking to other women. Maybe go out on a few dates. As soon as you find someone halfway decent, you need to drop the girl you are with.

 

I don't think she would ever cheat on me. But it certainly surprised me that she was messaging back and forth with guys who were flattering her. Don't know what that means either than she needs a bunch of external validation.

[Bastile]

I don't see why you can't have that great time with her, why her dog won't still continue to love you, whilst not taking her so seriously.

 

She's chatting to other guys on the sly, mate. Guys that are showing clear interest in having sex with her.

[Miss Spider]

oh my gosh, reading your last post. she will cheat on you. it's only a matter of time

[Robratory]

Right. Hedging her bets. So what does that mean? Why keep guys around as back ups; what would that say about me from her perspective? And how do I eliminate her even having back ups? Do I pull back, call her out on this, etc

 

"Hedging your bets" sounds so calculated. I don't think it's that. I think it's that she considers what she's doing to be harmless and really none of your business, sort of like porn is to us guys.

 

We have our favorite clips or our favorite photo series, but we don't consider it cheating, and when our girls find out and get all upset, we don't understand why. We're not emotionally attached to the videos and the pics. We have no desire to be in relationships nor even to have sex with the women we see in them. But they get us hot and, so, we like them.

 

I think that's what goes on with women who flirt with or bask in the attention of men online. It gets them hot, but it's not real. Still, there is a difference. With porn, the people in the pics don't know you're there. That's not the case with Facebook. Those guys know she's responding to them. And while the danger may be low, it's certainly possible for one of them to become a stalker. This is especially true if she's meeting and interacting with strangers instead of guys she previously knows from real life.

 

The question is where you are in your relationship. If you're "just dating," then you really have no say over what she does. You're just as free to date other girls. If you wish to be exclusive, then you'll have to talk to her about it. And if you do become exclusive, then yes, all that Facebook hanky-panky has to stop. But who knows if she wants to go exclusive with you?

[Supernatural]

"Hedging your bets" sounds so calculated. I don't think it's that. I think it's that she considers what she's doing to be harmless and really none of your business, sort of like porn is to us guys.

 

We have our favorite clips or our favorite photo series, but we don't consider it cheating, and when our girls find out and get all upset, we don't understand why. We're not emotionally attached to the videos and the pics. We have no desire to be in relationships nor even to have sex with the women we see in them. But they get us hot and, so, we like them.

 

I think that's what goes on with women who flirt with or bask in the attention of men online. It gets them hot, but it's not real. Still, there is a difference. With porn, the people in the pics don't know you're there. That's not the case with Facebook. Those guys know she's responding to them. And while the danger may be low, it's certainly possible for one of them to become a stalker. This is especially true if she's meeting and interacting with strangers instead of guys she previously knows from real life.

 

The question is where you are in your relationship. If you're "just dating," then you really have no say over what she does. You're just as free to date other girls. If you wish to be exclusive, then you'll have to talk to her about it. And if you do become exclusive, then yes, all that Facebook hanky-panky has to stop. But who knows if she wants to go exclusive with you?

 

We are exclusive. And have had that talk about a month and a half ago.

[Supernatural]

She thinks you are a dud, but perhaps a slightly better dud than some of those other guys she is talking to. You are Mr. Right Now, not Mr. Right.

 

 

 

She wants a relationship, that much is obvious. Right now, you fit the bill, even if she isn't all that into you. While she is with you, she will keep talking to other guys, keep looking for someone else, and when she finds that guy, you will become her ex-boyfriend. A lot of women don't like to be single, so they do what your girl does, they find a boyfriend to tide them over while they keep looking for a better boyfriend.

Why would she say she loves me if she isn't all that in to me?

[Supernatural]

I don't see why you can't have that great time with her, why her dog won't still continue to love you, whilst not taking her so seriously.

 

She's chatting to other guys on the sly, mate. Guys that are showing clear interest in having sex with her.

 

I get what you're saying.

 

BUT..

 

I'm already pretty deeply emotionally invested.. I don't know how to pull back out of that investment or what that would really look like.

 

Talk to other women on the sly too? That is just going to end up being a toxic relationship at some point.

[Bastile]

Why would she say she loves me if she isn't all that in to me?

 

Are you going to flatter yourself with her words, or are you going to adjust yourself to her actions?

[Bastile]

I get what you're saying.

 

BUT..

 

I'm already pretty deeply emotionally invested.. I don't know how to pull back out of that investment or what that would really look like.

 

Talk to other women on the sly too? That is just going to end up being a toxic relationship at some point.

 

I agree. It all went Pete Tong when you accepted exclusivity after a fortnight. It was a gamble that didn't pay off this time.

 

So, just have fun with her and her dog whilst chatting up some other girls. When you get a different date, break up.

[Supernatural]

Are you going to flatter yourself with her words, or are you going to adjust yourself to her actions?

 

Sure. But a person doesn't just say "I love you" for no reason to keep a person around. She could have just about any guy.. If she wasn't really in to me or didn't feel a strong connection why would she agree to meet my friends this upcoming three day weekend?

 

Her actions are strong towards me for the most part. Pays for dinners and drinks. We usually take turns. It is quite balanced.

The only red flag was in the beginning, and now her talking to some guys on Facebook.

[Supernatural]

I agree. It all went Pete Tong when you accepted exclusivity after a fortnight. It was a gamble that didn't pay off this time.

 

So, just have fun with her and her dog whilst chatting up some other girls. When you get a different date, break up.

 

I wish it were that easy to just get a different date and break up. Like I said.. Pretty emotionally attached. I'm in love with her. Our relationship is quite great, aside from her flirting on Facebook.

[Miss Spider]

Why would she say she loves me if she isn't all that in to me?

 

She probably told her ex she cheated on she loved him too then and went and banged another. I know about insecure women like this. They love attention and have weak boundaries. Always looking to trade up. Guys don't respect them/trust them,, so they go for the nice guys. It all stems from insecurity, and you can't fix it, she's got to fix it.

 

 

You got invested too quickly, exclusive after like 4 dates, ignoring a whole slew of red flags. Sounds more like lust/infatuation. This is a what? 2 month rship? She's already testing the waters. Abort now. I'm hate to see you in the cheating and/or breakup forum in the future when you're more invested, but probably will.

[Bastile]

Sure. But a person doesn't just say "I love you" for no reason to keep a person around. She could have just about any guy.. If she wasn't really in to me or didn't feel a strong connection why would she agree to meet my friends this upcoming three day weekend?

 

I honestly can't tell you how little I would be caring about that in your situation.

 

Her actions are strong towards me for the most part. Pays for dinners and drinks. We usually take turns. It is quite balanced.

The only red flag was in the beginning, and now her talking to some guys on Facebook.

 

So what? You get those things non-exclusive.

 

Exclusive you get her not entertaining guys that want to bone her. If not? It's not exclusive.

 

I wish it were that easy to just get a different date and break up. Like I said.. Pretty emotionally attached. I'm in love with her. Our relationship is quite great, aside from her flirting on Facebook.

 

You are going to cling for grim death, aren't ya?

 

Fair enough.

 

I know it's hard for guys to build up momentum again after a lay off. But that isn't any reason to stay in a relationship with a woman that is taking the piss.

 

Just have a great time with her whilst stacking numbers and getting your mojo back. Then break up with her with a phone full of leads.