Supernatural Posted July 27, 2017 Posted July 27, 2017 Yes. I made a mistake. I know it wasn't right. So we all agree I should have never read her Facebook messages, but I did. So let's not slam my past actions but rather figure out what to do to help this situation. Please don't shame me, as it's not going to help anything as I know it's wrong already. Thanks. Now.. I read her Facebook messages because I struggle with trust. In the early early stages of our relationship she was seeing another guy after me and her initially started up. They slept together but she ended up going for me. She told me everything through a message. This never helped my trust issues and fear. We've been dating for a couple months now. And she gave me her Facebook password to use her Spotify account. One night I was tripping out and reading too much in to our texts.. I go on her Facebook and read messages. She has guys messaging her and flattering her, conplimentening, etc. Eventually asking for dates and such. She usually says she is seeing someone, if a guy asks her out. Although when a guy flirts with her or something similar and says "let's be naughty on the side" she doesn't completely shut it down. And she even makes plans to hangout the following week for just a bicycle ride. Guys ask her to go to LA and say they miss her. She doesn't say "ya I'm coming" or anything. She doesn't even acknowledge the sexual talk, but rather she keeps the conversation going.. And she continues to chat with them and entertain the idea; almost as if she is playing with them and leading them on. I feel horribly guilty that I've betrayed the trust and it sucks that she is flirting or even messaging with these guys regularly. I don't ever think she would cheat on me, but it's almost as though she is emotionally cheating and being deceptive in these sceneries. It's like she is keeping her options open. I mean, we have a pretty good relationship. Sex often, dates, future plans, open communication for the most part, etc Should I tell her that I went on her Facebook and feel guilty, or should I just forget about it? I'm stuck, because I so badly want to fully trust her, but it's difficult knowing she is entertaining these guys like this...
Author Supernatural Posted July 27, 2017 Author Posted July 27, 2017 And what I mean by opening up and confessing that I read her Facebook.. I wouldn't criticize or condemn her for anything, but rather ask her why she is doing this.. if she's unhappy with what we have.. and of course apologize that I read the messages and betrayed the trust. Thiughts appreciated. Thanks everyone.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 27, 2017 Posted July 27, 2017 Don't confess, don't do it again, and accept that she may be a bit flirtatious and like the attention she gets from men. You'd probably like it, too, if you were the one getting attention from women. If her enjoying the attention is unacceptable to you in a relationship, end it. 5
Poutrew Posted July 27, 2017 Posted July 27, 2017 Hey listen... and I mean listen! Never feel guilty for doing what you need to do to get to the bottom of things. Never! You are not invading her privacy. You are invading her secrecy. And now you know your gal is a playa. She likes male attention and sees nothing wrong with it,. That's why she doesn't shut down those horn dogs who are flirting with her So, you have to decide what you want to settle for. If having a gf like her, who has a secret life on social media you aren't invited to, is what you want then go for it. Otherwise, just end it with her. And you owe her no explanations. None. She has her secrets, and you have yours. 3
Kellens Posted July 27, 2017 Posted July 27, 2017 If I had a boyfriend who was sending girls messages on facebook I would break up with him right away. Obviously your girlfriend isn't the one sending the message but it seems that she enjoys responding to them. I wouldn't trust her at all, especially if she is accepting invitations to hang out with someone, ex. the bike ride. I can see that you're insecure and are scared to lose her but in my opinion it isn't worth the stress to date someone like that. Even if she has no plans to ever technically cheat, what she's doing is more than bad enough and will lead into cheating eventually anyway. How old are the both of you?
smackie9 Posted July 27, 2017 Posted July 27, 2017 Keep slammin her until you meet someone you like better. Lets face it....there is nothing you can do about it. She is the way she is. 6
Author Supernatural Posted July 27, 2017 Author Posted July 27, 2017 She's early 30's, I'm late 20's. And we've been dating for 3 months.
Bastile Posted July 27, 2017 Posted July 27, 2017 Keep slammin her until you meet someone you like better. Lets face it....there is nothing you can do about it. She is the way she is. ^^ This might not be palatable to your sensibilities, but it is the correct response. When I've complained about not finding women who are "girlfriend material", this is the sort of thing that I'm talking about. She's keeping guys around for back-ups. That also comes under the gaslighting of "male friends". She's a branchswinger. Now, the problem for a guy is that we stop approaching, we stop dating and seeing others, and we invest. Meanwhile, she is hedging her bets. You made a mistake giving her exclusivity. Whatever you do now is up to you, but I wouldn't be taking the relationship seriously anylonger. 3
Author Supernatural Posted July 27, 2017 Author Posted July 27, 2017 ^^ This might not be palatable to your sensibilities, but it is the correct response. When I've complained about not finding women who are "girlfriend material", this is the sort of thing that I'm talking about. She's keeping guys around for back-ups. That also comes under the gaslighting of "male friends". She's a branchswinger. Now, the problem for a guy is that we stop approaching, we stop dating and seeing others, and we invest. Meanwhile, she is hedging her bets. You made a mistake giving her exclusivity. Whatever you do now is up to you, but I wouldn't be taking the relationship seriously anylonger. Right. Hedging her bets. So what does that mean? Why keep guys around as back ups; what would that say about me from her perspective? And how do I eliminate her even having back ups? Do I pull back, call her out on this, etc
stillafool Posted July 27, 2017 Posted July 27, 2017 And how do I eliminate her even having back ups? Do I pull back, call her out on this, etc There is no way to eliminate her from having back ups if she's a good looking girl and likes attention from other guys. There will always be someone hitting on her and it would be up to her maintain boundaries. 2
Author Supernatural Posted July 27, 2017 Author Posted July 27, 2017 There is no way to eliminate her from having back ups if she's a good looking girl and likes attention from other guys. There will always be someone hitting on her and it would be up to her maintain boundaries. She's really attractive. Guys always turning their heads. It's just worrisome she entertains some guys over Facebook. And none of them were even attractive? It's weird
GemmaUK Posted July 27, 2017 Posted July 27, 2017 Right. Hedging her bets. So what does that mean? Keeping her head above ground and being observant of your behaviour and maybe she is also talking to others and keeping that open. Why keep guys around as back ups; what would that say about me from her perspective? She isn't sure about you. And how do I eliminate her even having back ups? Do I pull back, call her out on this, You move on.
Author Supernatural Posted July 27, 2017 Author Posted July 27, 2017 There is no way to eliminate her from having back ups if she's a good looking girl and likes attention from other guys. There will always be someone hitting on her and it would be up to her maintain boundaries. I guess you're right that there's no way. But I suppose I mean, I'm not seen as SUPER high value if she's even talking to some guys.. maybe I'm being too easy. I mean, I'm really romantic, communicate easily, plan dates, etc. Maybe I should stop doing these as much and make her work a little more. That could increase value/chase. Because essentially I know I can lose her, but she knows I'm super committed.. so she's going to not feel threatened really. 1
Bastile Posted July 27, 2017 Posted July 27, 2017 Right. Hedging her bets. So what does that mean? She isn't "all in". The problem is that you are though. Why keep guys around as back ups; what would that say about me from her perspective? I don't know her, or enough about her. Can't say. And how do I eliminate her even having back ups? Do I pull back, call her out on this, etc I don't even try. Just take people for what they are. In this case, you should have vetted better. Probably gave her exclusivity much too soon - before you even really knew her. Rectify the mistake.
lurker74 Posted July 27, 2017 Posted July 27, 2017 Different take here - there are two things she could be getting from the interactions...either she's looking to upgrade or she obtains personal value from male attention. The first is break up material. No reason to be treated as a commodity. The second is more nuanced. If she's good looking, she's been trained for at least the last 15 years to think about her value as a derivative of her attractiveness. Now she's dating you and is supposed to get her value from your relationship and, since she hasn't fully engaged the guys in anything yet, she probably does. It's actually not a bad thing, really, except that no relationship can last forever when one person is getting their value from outside of the relationship. So you should have a conversation with her. I personally wouldn't confess the Facebook reading because it would only cause problems and I patently disagree that you should be willing to do anything to break into her secrets, but talk to her as an adult and try to find out how you can keep her focus. Having said that, the day I stop trusting a woman is the day I break up with her. If I don't trust her, I wouldn't even sleep with her and I wouldn't want to BE the one broken up with because she eventually does cheat on me. 1
Author Supernatural Posted July 27, 2017 Author Posted July 27, 2017 Rectify the mistake. How do I do that?
Author Supernatural Posted July 27, 2017 Author Posted July 27, 2017 So you should have a conversation with her. I personally wouldn't confess the Facebook reading because it would only cause problems and I patently disagree that you should be willing to do anything to break into her secrets, but talk to her as an adult and try to find out how you can keep her focus. How do I have a conversation about something like this, without sounding needy or divulging that I know she's seeking outside attention?
Bastile Posted July 27, 2017 Posted July 27, 2017 How do I do that? Dump her. Or de-escalate the relationship to just sex with no provisioning. Have a good look at yourself. How soon did you become exclusive? And did you not get the impression she was like this before? Btw, not all attractive women are like this at all. It's a question of boundaries and class. Simply being the least bit discerning, it's clear how the land lies. Ridiculous position to be in, where you are loyal - whilst she is entertaining orbiters. Supposedly "exclusive". When people cheat you, they should be given no respect or sympathy. 4
kgcolonel Posted July 27, 2017 Posted July 27, 2017 How do I have a conversation about something like this, without sounding needy or divulging that I know she's seeking outside attention? If you're not ready to dump her...here's what I'd do... "Hey, I have had at time some of the most flirty messages from girls, ...it's like they know when I am in an R....they seem to sense this and begin messaging me....do you ever get messages trying to entice you into a romantic R with guys?" You're giving her the chance to communicate with you honestly if she lies, you now know what you have to do or at least that the R you have with her is built on a lie....
Miss Spider Posted July 27, 2017 Posted July 27, 2017 Keep slammin her until you meet someone you like better. Lets face it....there is nothing you can do about it. She is the way she is. This. There is no point in calling her out. This is just who she is and it's not about her level of attractiveness. I swear, the men on here love torture as much as the women 3
Author Supernatural Posted July 27, 2017 Author Posted July 27, 2017 Dump her. Or de-escalate the relationship to just sex with no provisioning. Have a good look at yourself. How soon did you become exclusive? And did you not get the impression she was like this before? Btw, not all attractive women are like this at all. It's a question of boundaries and class. Simply being the least bit discerning, it's clear how the land lies. Ridiculous position to be in, where you are loyal - whilst she is entertaining orbiters. Supposedly "exclusive". When people cheat you, they should be given no respect or sympathy. Well she has a habit of running, that's for sure. Or always looking for what's not right. She works from home so she spends a lot of time thinking and having anxiety about certain things. She said she's always questioned if she with the right guys. Always wonders if the guy she is with is attractive enough. Shes afraid of commitment and to really put herself fully in to things. She doesnt think super highly of herself I don't think. And I know she had a bad childhood with her mother. (All her words) And this is her first real relationship in like 4 or so years. And hasn't dated anyone for about a year and didn't sleep with anyone for a year too. I did get exclusive with her quite quickly. Maybe 2-3 weeks in. I jump fully in with people; not the best, I know.
amazonrambo Posted July 27, 2017 Posted July 27, 2017 Little message flirting? I'd be okay. But if she was meeting up with them, I'd end it.
OatsAndHall Posted July 27, 2017 Posted July 27, 2017 I'm a bit biased as my ex-wife was an attention-seeker via Facebook and had few boundaries when it came to other guys but I would just say screw it, cut ties, and move on. It sounds like the situation is making you exceptionally anxious so you need to ask yourself if you really want to keep feeling edgy/dealing with trust issues while dating this woman. It doesn't sound like it's going to get any better and I, personally, would rather have peace of mind than a piece of a--. 1
elaine567 Posted July 27, 2017 Posted July 27, 2017 YOU sound like a decent up front romantic guy and she is just NOT relationship material. She is using you and you can't "fix" that. There is nothing nice about what this girl is doing to you, so I join the chorus of dump her. Find a better and nicer girl.
Bastile Posted July 27, 2017 Posted July 27, 2017 I did get exclusive with her quite quickly. Maybe 2-3 weeks in. I jump fully in with people; not the best, I know. No, mate. It should be a slow-burn. Actually consider your own actions. You can't control hers, but you can control your own. You are currently using monogamy as a means of getting laid. That will lead to relationships of utility, rather than relationships of virtue. At two weeks, you just wanting to get some poon. It takes time to create a deeper attraction based on her nature. 2 weeks prioritize sex (without exclusivity). As that is the real attraction at that point anyway. Suss her out more over time before committing. At two weeks, you don't even know what you are committing to. Not thinking properly. 1
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