Mixed Signals

[Moslem]

So this girl and I have been seeing each other a month now. We hit it off pretty well. I'm english and she is Eastern European. We've been out 8 times. So finally I brought up to her if we are friends or more than friends. She said she really likes me and wants to take time to know me more. She sort of backed away because I then told her ok don't worry I won't bother you anymore. About eight hours after that message she calls me and says that the reason she is scared to get too close is because eight months ago she was sexually assaulted and is very scared now for relationships. She said she really likes me and wants to keep spending time with me but just needs to be careful because she's still very fragile. But she kept stressing that she doesn't want to lose me. To be honest I can't tell what's what here. Since that she's been a bit reserved and I haven't seen her since. I leave for business tomorrow and asked her to have drinks with me tonight or go to dinner before I left. She said Just please give her time but when I come back to call her because she wants to see me, she needs space for now. I'm pissed. I think it's a giant smokescreen for something else. I don't know why, because she seemed completely sincere and that's a LOT to go through to tell someone you don't want to be with them. What do you think? What should I do?

[SevenCity]

Run. If the sexual assault is true, she's got issues that will interfere with having a normal healthy relationship and it will be years or never when she gets over them.

 

If it's BS, well she's just a nut.

 

Nothing good will come of this unless you enjoy frustration and wasting time.

 

You should have kissed her already - show her your feelings, don't talk about them. You would have your answer already.

 

Find a girl who doesn't have serious issues.

[smackie9]

Friends zoned.

 

If she was assaulted, a relationship isn't what she can handle at this time and for awhile.

 

If you are looking for a nice intimate smooth running relationship, you need to just move on.

[kendahke]

I don't see it as having mixed signals.

 

She has to figure out if she can be vulnerable to you and trust you with her vulnerability and you've shown us here with your post that her line of thinking is exactly on point.

 

You have no clue as to what she's been doing to resolve the matter, emotionally. You've only been talking to her for a month, so no, she wouldn't have brought something that traumatic up to a stranger.

 

but yeah, run--she needs someone who can be trusted with her vulnerability.

[salparadise]

Let me see if i've got this straight... you've taken her out eight times over the past month and you don't know if there's romantic interest? Have you kissed her? Made out? If not, what were you waiting on... for her to make the move?

 

Then you ask and she backs off and tells you she was sexually assaulted, then turns you down for dinner before you leave?

 

I agree with SevenCity –– something's out of whack. It's just not clear exactly what. Either you haven't been assertive, or she's too reticent to engage in normal dating activities, or both. Sexually assaulted could mean anything from violent rape to someone she dated before tried to kiss her. You could ask for clarification, and it would certainly be something you need to know if you intend to pursue this. Regardless, you already know what the net result is and how she's going to be, whether it's that or just the way she is.

 

I can't understand, though, why this is just now coming up after eight dates. You have to establish sexual-romantic interest from the start. If you decide to take her out again, you need to kiss her like you mean it –– don't ask, kiss. If she pushes you away, cut your losses. Life is too short to play footsies like this.

[SevenCity]

Let me see if i've got this straight... you've taken her out eight times over the past month and you don't know if there's romantic interest? Have you kissed her? Made out? If not, what were you waiting on... for her to make the move?

 

Then you ask and she backs off and tells you she was sexually assaulted, then turns you down for dinner before you leave?

 

I agree with SevenCity –– something's out of whack. It's just not clear exactly what. Either you haven't been assertive, or she's too reticent to engage in normal dating activities, or both. Sexually assaulted could mean anything from violent rape to someone she dated before tried to kiss her. You could ask for clarification, and it would certainly be something you need to know if you intend to pursue this. Regardless, you already know what the net result is and how she's going to be, whether it's that or just the way she is.

 

I can't understand, though, why this is just now coming up after eight dates. You have to establish sexual-romantic interest from the start. If you decide to take her out again, you need to kiss her like you mean it –– don't ask, kiss. If she pushes you away, cut your losses. Life is too short to play footsies like this.

 

This. Always go for a kiss on the first date. You will be on the bee line to clarity about how she feels.

 

Don't talk, do.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Friends zoned.

 

If she was assaulted, a relationship isn't what she can handle at this time and for awhile.

 

If you are looking for a nice intimate smooth running relationship, you need to just move on.

 

This.

 

No disrespect to the girl but she doesn't seem nearly ready to take you on despite claiming she doesn't want to lose you. Sexual assault is brutal and recovery is even more brutal and often takes a VERY long time before women feel remotely 'normal' again.

 

If you want to wait it out and take a gamble, it's your life but be prepared for a long and challenging haul with this one.

[Moslem]

Let me see if i've got this straight... you've taken her out eight times over the past month and you don't know if there's romantic interest? Have you kissed her? Made out? If not, what were you waiting on... for her to make the move?

 

Then you ask and she backs off and tells you she was sexually assaulted, then turns you down for dinner before you leave?

 

I agree with SevenCity –– something's out of whack. It's just not clear exactly what. Either you haven't been assertive, or she's too reticent to engage in normal dating activities, or both. Sexually assaulted could mean anything from violent rape to someone she dated before tried to kiss her. You could ask for clarification, and it would certainly be something you need to know if you intend to pursue this. Regardless, you already know what the net result is and how she's going to be, whether it's that or just the way she is.

 

I can't understand, though, why this is just now coming up after eight dates. You have to establish sexual-romantic interest from the start. If you decide to take her out again, you need to kiss her like you mean it –– don't ask, kiss. If she pushes you away, cut your losses. Life is too short to play footsies like this.

 

 

Well, I'll be back August the first week. The assault was all out rape from what it she said to me. It doesn't sound like she was lying to me. Funny thing is I Would normally want to run so far after hearing something like this but I don't. Now since she's told me she's back to texting me frequently and just like we were before.

 

By the way, no we never kissed or any of that. She kissed me three times on the cheek but that's it. I never tried anything further.

 

IDK. I'd like to see where this goes.

[Moslem]

I don't see it as having mixed signals.

 

She has to figure out if she can be vulnerable to you and trust you with her vulnerability and you've shown us here with your post that her line of thinking is exactly on point.

 

You have no clue as to what she's been doing to resolve the matter, emotionally. You've only been talking to her for a month, so no, she wouldn't have brought something that traumatic up to a stranger.

 

but yeah, run--she needs someone who can be trusted with her vulnerability.

 

 

 

Her line of thinking is on point how? What do you mean?

[elaine567]

Well, I'll be back August the first week. The assault was all out rape from what it she said to me. It doesn't sound like she was lying to me. Funny thing is I Would normally want to run so far after hearing something like this but I don't. Now since she's told me she's back to texting me frequently and just like we were before.

 

By the way, no we never kissed or any of that. She kissed me three times on the cheek but that's it. I never tried anything further.

 

IDK. I'd like to see where this goes.

 

Then see how it goes, but you will have to be very careful and patient.

Suggestions that you essentially force her to kiss you and be physical, are way out of line here.

Play it by ear and let her lead the physical aspect.

Make sure you have her permission always.

Good luck.

[Moslem]

Then see how it goes, but you will have to be very careful and patient.

Suggestions that you essentially force her to kiss you and be physical, are way out of line here.

Play it by ear and let her lead the physical aspect.

Make sure you have her permission always.

Good luck.

 

 

 

That's what I thought. I think forcing myself on her would seem completely odd now. Ugh.

[Moslem]

Let me see if i've got this straight... you've taken her out eight times over the past month and you don't know if there's romantic interest? Have you kissed her? Made out? If not, what were you waiting on... for her to make the move?

 

Then you ask and she backs off and tells you she was sexually assaulted, then turns you down for dinner before you leave?

 

I agree with SevenCity –– something's out of whack. It's just not clear exactly what. Either you haven't been assertive, or she's too reticent to engage in normal dating activities, or both. Sexually assaulted could mean anything from violent rape to someone she dated before tried to kiss her. You could ask for clarification, and it would certainly be something you need to know if you intend to pursue this. Regardless, you already know what the net result is and how she's going to be, whether it's that or just the way she is.

 

I can't understand, though, why this is just now coming up after eight dates. You have to establish sexual-romantic interest from the start. If you decide to take her out again, you need to kiss her like you mean it –– don't ask, kiss. If she pushes you away, cut your losses. Life is too short to play footsies like this.

 

It came up after 8 dates because I couldn't tell if she was interested or not so I finally decided to say something. I didn't want to keep wasting time if there was no interest.

[SevenCity]

Then see how it goes, but you will have to be very careful and patient.

Suggestions that you essentially force her to kiss you and be physical, are way out of line here.

Play it by ear and let her lead the physical aspect.

Make sure you have her permission always.

Good luck.

 

Your distorted view is comical. Please quote where anyone said anything about forcing her to do anything.

[smackie9]

You are not dating her, you are her male GF/bestie . You are just "hanging out" and correct me if I'm wrong, you are footing the bill too?

[Moslem]

You are not dating her, you are her male GF/bestie . You are just "hanging out" and correct me if I'm wrong, you are footing the bill too?

 

Yes. That would be correct. I don't know if I completely agree with that analysis because at first, she kept asking dating like things...then slowly that fizzled. So, I know at least at one point there was an interest in dating.

IDK.

[Moslem]

Weird. Since our talk last night, this afternoon she keeps texting me like she hasn't ever before. I mean just constant. And now she's trying to see if I have off for her birthday because she says she wants to spend it together. Hmmm....

[salparadise]

Then see how it goes, but you will have to be very careful and patient.

Suggestions that you essentially force her to kiss you and be physical, are way out of line here.

Play it by ear and let her lead the physical aspect.

Make sure you have her permission always.

Good luck.

 

Your distorted view is comical. Please quote where anyone said anything about forcing her to do anything.

 

Exactly. No one said to force anything. Elaine, you're doing the same thing another single-lens poster was doing a few weeks ago... rewording and misrepresenting toward the extreme in order to vehemently object. If you disagree, then disagree with what was said –– exactly as it was said.

 

OP, what I said was kiss her, that means a real kiss, not a peck on the cheek. Hell, after eight dates if she won't allow you to kiss her, that tells you everything you need to know. Are you interested in dating, or are you signing as her therapist-bestie and provider of free meals? If she won't allow you to move this forward, cut your losses.

[Moslem]

 

OP, what I said was kiss her, that means a real kiss, not a peck on the cheek. Hell, after eight dates if she won't allow you to kiss her, that tells you everything you need to know. Are you interested in dating, or are you signing as her therapist-bestie and provider of free meals? If she won't allow you to move this forward, cut your losses.

 

Exactly. I agree.

[elaine567]

Don't talk, do.

 

don't ask, kiss. .

 

The woman has been raped, if this is not suggesting "forcing" her to kiss whether she wants to or not, then what is it?