Do I end it? I feel like I've tortured her without knowing.

[Harlech]

Hi, Ill try and make this short.

 

Lived in Canada for 4.5 years, for the last 2 years of it i had it in my head that I needed to go home ( AUS ) and start sorting my life out being 27 with no real career path, funny thing was i met a 20 year old girl that i was gaga over, about 2 months before i was sort of planning to go ( AUG ). So i stuck it out through the winter, and i told her i was eventually going to go home but she didnt care. it was a cold and miserable winter. The winter would get me incredibly down suffering from anxiety and slight depression all i could think of was how nice Australia is at this time of year, my family and friends. ( grass is greener effect )

 

Being Australian in Canada i had a time limit to my stay in the country and it wasnt a nice feeling, and it effected the relationship as i tried to call it off twice as to what was the point if it was eventually going to end when i had to leave in a year. But she pulled me back in both times. I didnt really want her to come to AUS for me and take her away from her family and she wanted to go to school anyways.

 

It came to a decisive moment when my seasonal job ended (April ) and the place i was living was being sold, So we decided it was a good time to move in with the gf in her place after only knowing each other for 7 months.... It only lasted 2 weeks, it got a point where after building it up in my head for 2 years i was so tired of the rain, the pressure of my family wanting me to come home, the pressure of having a time limit in the country, having a job that sucked and no career path as well as financial pressure as well she didnt really make me feel to welcomed we didnt have sex the first week and she had admitted that she didnt like me being there to much as she felt her space was being invaded it was also a problem to her that i had once lived with a previous GF a few years ago but that also ended and we were living together but that was 9 months in not 2 weeks so i cant be that bad...

 

Sooooo I caved and tried once again to break up with her to go home as i thought it would for the best. But im so bad with goodbyes and i genuinely loved/love the girl i was just controlled by my head and not my heart.

 

I quit the job i only had for 2 weeks. booked a ticket home ( May ) and thats where it should of ended, But no. We cared for each other so much that we were willing to do distance and she booked a flight over for August and arrives in just over 2 weeks. I found a 6 month course pretty quickly that will give me experience and a lot more job opportunities and we planned that i would eventually return after the course is done and we can continue from there in December

 

We both have had a lot of sad moments in the 2.5 months of distance, she suffers from anxiety and depression too from previous relationships 1 controlled her the other cheated on her and the other was aggressive. Tonight she said she still loves me but she just doesnt care anymore, doesnt care for anything i have to say all our facetime calls end in an arugement and im not the one starting them. I started to grow a beard when i got back and said I would keep it until she got here, But a few days ago i got sick of it as i felt unattractive and needed a confidence boost so shaved it off and to her that was a big deal it felt like i broke a massive promise i understand where shes coming from and basically she says i dont care and never had, but it was just a beard...

 

I do regret leaving, being home hasnt been a much easier ride and i have learned a lot by being here and being with family helps, she arrives in just over 2 weeks for a 3 week trip and weve planned so many things to do and spent a lot of money but she says she doesnt care anymore and has nothing left inside for me. I have not cheated on her, nor controlled her nor was i ever aggressive I let her do her (she can be somewhat aggressive and would pick little fights too) but I left because i was battling my head, i was homesick and felt i was going no where in Canada and i just couldnt shake it.

 

With her arriving in 2 weeks I really want her to come so we can try and make a go of it but im really scared shes not going to want to be here and or basically hate me the whole time and i dont want to put her in that situation, I never meant to hurt this girl it was never my intentions i feel im a happy and nice person and the time we were together i treated her like my queen, But i felt iv tortured the poor girl from just not sticking with my word the first time and calling it off but after all that she has said to me saying she doesnt care and has nothing left for me she also will not break up with me, is she waiting for me to pull the trigger?

 

Do i call it off now, wasting her money and saving her the pain of seeing me and then leaving me again so we can both move on even though she said she still will come wheather i do see her or not, Or do i hold my tongue and see her and hope for the best and we can repair our relationship... but it could possibly end in disaster and make it worse for her and I.

 

Iv applied for a another visa i didnt realize i could get which will allow me 2 more years in Canada.

 

I cant help but think its the anxiety and depression talking and i dont want to give up being so close to seeing her. I do think Canada is a great place and I could see myself living there too but i never really tried to live there as i always thought id go home, the guilt of being away from my family and being there for them is very difficult for me too.

 

Either way i only see a small chance it will fix itself.

The whole situation is a complete circus and i understand im the main problem in all of it and i blame myself completely. I have such a hard time letting go.

 

What do I do.

Edited July 26, 2017 by Harlech

[elaine567]

Why on earth have you applied for a visa to return to Canada, if you hated it so much?

 

She's 20, she hated living with you as you cramped her style, and she now says she doesn't care.

Par for the course.

You can't base your life and career on the whims of a 20 year old. Especially a 20 year old with some serious problems.

 

You need to sit yourself down and decide what you really want in life and where you are going with your career.

You are 27, you need to take this seriously now. The decisions you make now may affect your whole life.

Canada is not going to get any hotter in the winter and if you are merely going back to Canada to make some sort of amends with your gf then I guess that will be a recipe for disaster.

[blessedby4]

In difficult relationships, I find it helpful to speak with family or friends that you can confide in. They may not give you advice that you want to hear...but sharing your difficulty can bring some relief and outside perspective. From your post, it sure seems that your feelings and emotions are over the place and that can be difficult place to be in because sometimes you feel like doing one thing, then the next moment you feel like doing just the opposite...very confusing time.

I once heard someone say that if you are in a fog...don't act. Wait. Being patient will take courage and strength. But it is worth it. I recently read this about patience: "Never cut a tree down in the wintertime. Never make a negative decision in the low time. Never make your most important decisions when you are in your worst moods. Wait. Be patient. The storm will pass. The spring will come." You may want to give yourself time to process all of these events going on in your life right now. Your demeanor maybe much more calm by waiting another day; or another week.

Having discovered my own lack of patience over the years, and that without it, my decisions often turn out badly. Then I realized that patience or lack of it has an effect on every part of our lives: work, family, friends, and yes what you are going through now, personal relationships. I don't know if you believe in God or not by I read this in Bible just recently "God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation." Hope this helps.