rainshadow Posted August 8, 2005 Posted August 8, 2005 for all the women out there (and men too, if they feel inclined): this may seem like an odd question, but for those of you in long term relationships (as in a year or more), do you ever find that purposely playing hard to get (ie. as in purposely spending less time with your partner, or making sure you go out with other friends instead of with him) is sometimes essential in keeping his interest? ok, that may be taken the wrong way, but isn't there something about being too reliable or *always* there that kind of diminishes the spark of missing someone or wanting them more ?... i've been with a wonderful guy for a year and a half. we have loads in common and i've really never felt so great with anyone before. i've been in a few long term relationships and feel i know what i want. the problem is that i sometimes feel as though i give him too much power (as in i think he feels very secure in thinking that i will never leave him) and i'm also 100% reliable. i'm not clingy or needy, but i grew up in an environment which was unstable (alcoholic father) so i sometimes don't deal well with people who are unpredictable. that's going off topic, but what i'm really trying to get at is if any of you find that having your bf miss you, or not being around when he calls, etc. kind of maintains the courting chase? i've been in plenty of relationshps before, but this is the healthiest one i've been in and we both want to be as independent as possible. the problem here is that many of my new friends have left the city where i'm currently living, and so i really have few people to hang out with besides him. i basically wonder if getting some of my power back could come from not being around as much and having him wonder about me a bit? this probably sounds like game-playing or manipulation, but my sister has always told me that it's good to have the guy miss you and to play a little hard to get. but after a year....what do all of you think?
elijahBailey Posted August 9, 2005 Posted August 9, 2005 I feel inclined...... You can't wanna play games for the rest of your life so that you can keep him. If he's not into the relationship, then playing games will keep him *for a while*, but he'll still leave. Most committed relationships get stuck in 5th gear after a while. Instead of playing games, you might wanna try building up the more emotional aspects in your relationship. These are longer-lasting than the physical ones.
Sparky Posted August 9, 2005 Posted August 9, 2005 Well... to me, doing it too often is cruel. You're testing the guy to see how much he wants you, treating him/her like they're your some kind of toy. Why don't you just be upfront with them? Let me know if I'm taking this the wrong way... Sure, it can be fun to know that the person wants you, but how do you think they're feeling? I can remember when I was a timid and shy person, they were girls that appeared to be leading me on or testing me to see if I'll go for them. It was very confusing for me because this was a time where I couldn't understand women at all[/b (lol, like a different species ). If I ever did found out someone was doing this to me, I would've felt rather offended.
RecordProducer Posted August 9, 2005 Posted August 9, 2005 Sure. You can do stuff without him without informing him in details what you're going to do, when, and when you're coming back. Some people are like that by nature, some HAVE to pretend to be. Nobody likes predictable and clingy.
Author rainshadow Posted August 9, 2005 Author Posted August 9, 2005 thanks for the responses guys the thing i didn't make clear is that we have a really good emotional connection, which is why we've lasted so long under restrictive circumstances. we talk about everything and there's an open platform for us to be ourselves and to share our fears, etc. however, i can see the validity in the whole 'testing' him part though .... i think i'm at a place right now where i want to feel *safe* because so many changes are happening with school ending and moving to a new city together (although living separately). the fears i currently have come from a childhood which was always chaotic and where i never really felt 'safe'. he's been nothing but affectionate and giving, and generous with his feelings towards me. it's just that i am easily bothered by sudden changes in moods or unprecitability and that's where i tend to give him more of the 'power' so to speak. sounds weird, i know, but i guess i just wondered if it was because i'm too attached to the moves he makes. i like to be independent and get out to do my own thing - by no means do i want to spend ALL my time with him. it's just that if there's a day where he's not really in a good mood, then i start to have fears that are not necessarily rational. i thought i'd get a feel for what other people do to keep the power balances in check (and i know that can be taken in the wrong way to be manipulative, etc.). those of you how advocated against the whole 'hard to get' thing, how do you find you manage yourself in your relationships?
RecordProducer Posted August 9, 2005 Posted August 9, 2005 Be more indifferent to his changes of moods. Don't take him for granted and don't let him take you for granted! It doesn't pay to be a saint when it comes to men!
NYCmitch25 Posted August 9, 2005 Posted August 9, 2005 Originally posted by RecordProducer Be more indifferent to his changes of moods. Don't take him for granted and don't let him take you for granted! It doesn't pay to be a saint when it comes to men! ha ha ha You must play us men like a fiddle! You really seem to know what you are doing when it comes to interpersonal relationships! I'm really impressed with a lot of your posts! :-)
EnigmaXOXO Posted August 9, 2005 Posted August 9, 2005 this may seem like an odd question, but for those of you in long term relationships (as in a year or more), do you ever find that purposely playing hard to get (ie. as in purposely spending less time with your partner, or making sure you go out with other friends instead of with him) is sometimes essential in keeping his interest? No. We're not proponents of that "absence makes the heart grow fonder" crap. When we spend time at work or with friends, it's out of joy or necessity…and has nothing to do whatsoever with playing "hard to get." Now, I'll admit that in the beginning "getting-to-you" stage, there was some of this standoffishness going on between both of us. Neither of us were willing to give up our independence and separate social lives so quickly. But six years later (having lived together now for five of those years) there's no need to play hard to get anymore. Since he's already "got" me … I think it's kinda silly at this point to pretend that he doesn't. I guess I'm fortunate to have found a grownup who doesn't feel the need to be pushed to the edge of an emotional cliff in order to maintain his "interests" … Or have his insecurities tested in order to feel appreciative of what he has. Besides, in the years we have been together, I have come to love and respect that man waaaay too much to ever insult his intelligence by playing those silly highschool games with him. He's not the kind of guy who would tolerate that kind of treatment even for a second. He's got the stones (and the backbone) to walk out on a woman in a heartbeat if she played him or pushed him too hard. And I'm certainly not foolish enough to think that just because he loves me that I'm any exception. You can keep your partner's interest just by being "interesting" without having to step out of your comfort zone and pretend to be someone/something you are not. Relationships...at least the ones that last...aren't about "power struggles."
alphamale Posted August 9, 2005 Posted August 9, 2005 Originally posted by rainshadow this may seem like an odd question, but for those of you in long term relationships (as in a year or more), do you ever find that purposely playing hard to get (ie. as in purposely spending less time with your partner, or making sure you go out with other friends instead of with him) is sometimes essential in keeping his interest? yes RAINSHADOW....this is most definintely true from my experience. absence makes the heart grow fonder.
whichwayisup Posted August 9, 2005 Posted August 9, 2005 It's nice to miss your spouse and have your spouse miss you. Intense sex that night as well!
Sparky Posted August 9, 2005 Posted August 9, 2005 Originally posted by whichwayisup It's nice to miss your spouse and have your spouse miss you. Intense sex that night as well! LOL! You're right!
EnigmaXOXO Posted August 9, 2005 Posted August 9, 2005 but after a year....what do all of you think? I think if your pals have moved away, and you genuinely miss the company of other people, than it's important to get out there and make new friends. So long as you're selective about the kind of people you choose to introduce into your life…that they enhance your happiness as an individual and as a couple…rather than detract from it. Meeting people and making friends should have more to do with your own personal satisfaction rather than using them as a means to gain power over your partner and further establish your lines of separation. We all need friends, and GOOD friends we can count on one hand. But if you seek out friendships for all the wrong reasons…then you're more likely to choose all the wrong kind of friends out of desperation. I also think that being in a relationship doesn't mean we should stop growing as individuals. It's important to have hobbies and interests. To set new goals for ourselves, and take on the challenge of new experiences. It's what makes a person interesting and unique. It also helps you to become more responsible for your own happiness rather than relying so heavily on someone else to fill that void. After all, happy people make for a happier relationship partners. There's nothing more attractive than someone who has a genuine joy for life. And all this can be done without it becoming a threat to your partner or detracting from the emotional intimacy of your current relationship. When considering sudden change rather than gradual growth…just be careful in determining what your motives are. You don't want to turn into someone that your boyfriend doesn't know. If you're unhappy…change it. If you and your partner are perfectly content with your life the way it is, than don't feel compelled to shake things up just because someone else (who doesn't even know him) has advised you it's the only way to keep him interested. After all, if your boyfriend found you boring and didn't fall in love you just the way you were…I doubt he'd still be with you. Unless you truly feel your boyfriend is starting to take you for granted (and it's not just some recycled fear from your past) …or you feel you're becoming too dependant…or your relationship is becoming stagnant…then don't change who you 'are' just to become what you think someone else expects you to be. Ask your boyfriend!
Author rainshadow Posted August 9, 2005 Author Posted August 9, 2005 Wow, I'm surprised by the multitude of responses to this post!! I think some of you may have misunderstood me though. You can keep your partner's interest just by being "interesting" without having to step out of your comfort zone and pretend to be someone/something you are not. Relationships...at least the ones that last...aren't about "power struggles." I should mention that I do realize your point. I am, and always have been, completely against game playing and deliberate power struggles - and my bf and I definitely don't play it like that. We've had an extremely open and honest relationship without all of that crap What I didn't really explain was that I have been going through a bit of a difficult time the last few days with reverse culture shock after having gone home for a month. Also, being with the family again, etc. was difficult and so I guess I've been feeling a bit insecure about the relationship. My bf has not given me any cause to feel this way as he's been really supportive. When I was talking about hard to get, I should have re-phrased it as 'time to yourself' and away from your partner. I think missing the other person sometimes keeps the spark alive, and at the time when I wrote the post, I was thinking about ways to keep myself 'safe' in case something does happen. Growing up with an alcoholic father has made it difficult for me to deal with the 'unknowns', and with my bf and I finishing school and then moving to a new place within the next while is what has caused me anxiety b/c things are so unpredictable. The hard to get thing was an idea I was playing around with to make sure that I can stay 'safer'. However, I realized over the past couple days since I wrote this that it's not part of who I am, and that my bf would not respond to it too well. Maybe my sister has had different experiences, but hard to get, when I've tried it is not me. The best thing we've done for our relationship is to take time out for ourselves and other people. That's the healthiest thing to do, and I realize now that purposely trying to be evasive to keep safe isn't a respectful thing to do for me or for him.
RecordProducer Posted August 9, 2005 Posted August 9, 2005 Originally posted by NYCmitch25 ha ha ha You must play us men like a fiddle! You really seem to know what you are doing when it comes to interpersonal relationships! I'm really impressed with a lot of your posts! :-) Nah... I'm a sucker for a good dick!
whichwayisup Posted August 9, 2005 Posted August 9, 2005 Originally posted by Sparky LOL! You're right! Yuppers. Nothing like a good long hard "hey baby, I missed ya" roll in the hay!
NYCmitch25 Posted August 12, 2005 Posted August 12, 2005 Originally posted by RecordProducer Nah... I'm a sucker for a good dick! OMG ..... I love you! LOL very funny... intelligent, pretty, and *sassy* too, wow does it get any better ?
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