Username1911 Posted July 25, 2017 Share Posted July 25, 2017 My fiancee and i been living together for 3 years, even when we argued we slept on the same bed every night. However there was always his ex in the picture. Few months ago i found out he was talking to his ex on snapchat, we argued but i was convinced that they weren't doing anything sexual. I deleted her from his snapchat without his permission. About a week ago I had a "gut feeling" that he might be talking to her again. SO i checked his snapchat and sure enough he added her again. It's like he's obsessed with her or something. or may be he was trying to see if i check his phone and if i say something. We argued again about it and I've been seeping in another room for a week. He hasn't apologized or talking about it. I never had to snoop in my previous relationships, but i just can't fully trust the man i'm with. Did I say we were supposed to get married this week? Now it just doesn't seem like a good idea at all. We're not talking and i don't know what to do. Has anyone of you been in this situation? Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted July 25, 2017 Share Posted July 25, 2017 My fiancee and i been living together for 3 years, even when we argued we slept on the same bed every night. However there was always his ex in the picture. Few months ago i found out he was talking to his ex on snapchat, we argued but i was convinced that they weren't doing anything sexual. I deleted her from his snapchat without his permission. About a week ago I had a "gut feeling" that he might be talking to her again. SO i checked his snapchat and sure enough he added her again. It's like he's obsessed with her or something. or may be he was trying to see if i check his phone and if i say something. We argued again about it and I've been seeping in another room for a week. He hasn't apologized or talking about it. I never had to snoop in my previous relationships, but i just can't fully trust the man i'm with. Did I say we were supposed to get married this week? Now it just doesn't seem like a good idea at all. We're not talking and i don't know what to do. Has anyone of you been in this situation? Well do not get married... If he is doing this why would you want to be with him? How do you know they are not hooking up? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Username1911 Posted July 25, 2017 Author Share Posted July 25, 2017 Well do not get married... If he is doing this why would you want to be with him? How do you know they are not hooking up? So what would you do? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 25, 2017 Share Posted July 25, 2017 So what would you do? Call off the wedding. You can't marry a man you do not trust, that would be madness. He is obviously not over his ex and he should not be marrying anyone. Get out now before you have two kids and another one on the way and you find out he is sleeping with his ex and has been for years... 7 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted July 26, 2017 Share Posted July 26, 2017 Tough call. Calling off a wedding is no picnic. I'd go with an ultimatum first...we either come to an agreement and get this resolved right now, or we're calling off the wedding instead. His level of investment in resolving the situation should tell you what you need to know. He'll either do whatever is necessary to make this right with you, or he won't. If he won't, then the wedding was a mistake anyway. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 26, 2017 Share Posted July 26, 2017 It sounds to me like the two of you have handled this very badly. Two arguments and you deleting her from his phone without permission. Not good at all. Arguments happen when both parties are too busy pushing their own point to stop and consider what the other is saying. The deletion of her from his phone should be done by him because he thinks it's the right thing to do - not forced upon him without his consent. If I were you, I'd reopen the dialogue by saying that the issue has been handled poorly and you'd like an opportunity to listen to and work with each other rather than trying to win a fight. Unless fighting is how the two of you frequently deal with issues....in which case, you've got a much bigger issue on your hands than Snapchat. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 26, 2017 Share Posted July 26, 2017 Tough call. Calling off a wedding is no picnic. I'd go with an ultimatum first...we either come to an agreement and get this resolved right now, or we're calling off the wedding instead. His level of investment in resolving the situation should tell you what you need to know. He'll either do whatever is necessary to make this right with you, or he won't. If he won't, then the wedding was a mistake anyway. Likewise, your level of investment in resolving this should tell him what he needs to know. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted July 26, 2017 Share Posted July 26, 2017 No marriage till a resolution has been reached. Easier to break up and leave now than after getting married. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 26, 2017 Share Posted July 26, 2017 This is a tough spot with the wedding this week -- all that money, planning & dreaming down the drain. Before you blow it all up & lose all the money, can you get an emergency counseling session with your pastor or a MC? Do not go through with the marriage just because it's planned. Then you will lose all that money plus have to pay more to get divorced. I agree you can't get married to a liar but if you can't salvage this now, is there really sense in trying to postpone & fixing it later? I'd never be able to let go of the resentment for all of the wasted money (that is less of an issue if you break up & never speak again). 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted July 26, 2017 Share Posted July 26, 2017 You say his ex 'was always in the picture'. How long are you talking? How much of your relationship has had to deal with issues with his ex? If it's an ongoing problem that started before you got engaged, then why did you accept his proposal? As far as I see it, your ultimatum should have been laid out back then not now. Now just seems too late because he'll say whatever he needs at this point. Can you trust that? I know I wouldn't. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 26, 2017 Share Posted July 26, 2017 My fiancee and i been living together for 3 years, even when we argued we slept on the same bed every night. However there was always his ex in the picture. Few months ago i found out he was talking to his ex on snapchat, we argued but i was convinced that they weren't doing anything sexual. I deleted her from his snapchat without his permission. About a week ago I had a "gut feeling" that he might be talking to her again. SO i checked his snapchat and sure enough he added her again. It's like he's obsessed with her or something. or may be he was trying to see if i check his phone and if i say something. We argued again about it and I've been seeping in another room for a week. He hasn't apologized or talking about it. I never had to snoop in my previous relationships, but i just can't fully trust the man i'm with. Did I say we were supposed to get married this week? Now it just doesn't seem like a good idea at all. We're not talking and i don't know what to do. Has anyone of you been in this situation? Do not marry him since he's still involved with his ex. Seems he may not want to get married and is doing everything he can to prevent the wedding from happening. You know you can't marry this guy! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 26, 2017 Share Posted July 26, 2017 I'm so sorry. I know you've probably spent a lot on the wedding, but it is not a good idea to go through with it. He knows how strongly you object to this and even a week from his wedding, he doesn't respect you enough to stop it. That's a lot of disrespect and will only get worse. I'm very glad you are sleeping in another bedroom because you do not reward bad behavior. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JHandy Posted July 27, 2017 Share Posted July 27, 2017 You've been sleeping in different rooms for a week and he hasn't tried to do anything to resolve the problem he made. You can't trust him and he's being secretive towards you. There is no silver lining here. You can do better. You should do better. I'm very sorry. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted July 27, 2017 Share Posted July 27, 2017 Calling off a wedding is cheaper and less painful than a divorce. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
xenawarriorprincess Posted July 27, 2017 Share Posted July 27, 2017 Don’t allow this man to stand up in front of all of the most cherished people in your life and tell you that he will promise to love, honor and forsake all others if he is showing you at this moment in time that he won’t. Don’t allow your desire and excitement for a wedding to cloud your judgment. If you love him and you allow this behavior and you accept it, then by all means go ahead and get married and have a wonderful life, but if this is a hard line for you, then stand firm and do the right thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Username1911 Posted July 27, 2017 Author Share Posted July 27, 2017 Thanks for those who replied. The wedding is definitely not happening at least not this week. ??? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
JHandy Posted July 27, 2017 Share Posted July 27, 2017 Thanks for those who replied. The wedding is definitely not happening at least not this week. ??? Good decision and best wishes. Hoping for the best! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted July 27, 2017 Share Posted July 27, 2017 Thanks for those who replied. The wedding is definitely not happening at least not this week. ??? That’s a wise decision. Honestly, while the ex and not being able to trust him is huge. The fact that you two can’t communicate and come to a resolution is MASSIVE. A marriage is going to hit some bumps in the road. How you communicate, how you work together for a resolution is what will make things last. My husband and I have both drug each other through some real BS. But we have ALWAYS been able to “kiss and make up” and sleep together every night, even if it meant more uncomfortable discussions in the morning. We have always been able to say I love you and sleep together. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Steve51 Posted July 27, 2017 Share Posted July 27, 2017 (edited) I know many women who got married thinking that their soon to be husband would change after marriage. Unfortunately, what you see is what you get. Adults do not change who they are. My wife's friend married her fiancé despite catching him cheating. Guess what, he cheated on her and they divorced in the first year of their marriage. I can go on and on about couples who felt that they had to marry because they went so far that there was no turning back. If you marry and then complain about your husband, it is your fault. He showed you what he is and you accepted it because you did not want to cancel the wedding. My wife knew I was poly and married me anyway. We ended up living in a poly Triad for most of our 45 years of marriage. She tried to change me at the beginning but she could not. I left my ex fiancé a few months before the wedding. I could not get any deposits back, the invitations were sent out, etc.. Leaving her turned out to be the best decision of my life. She had a horrible life filled with mental illness, unwanted pregnancy from unknown man, drug addiction and cheating on her husband with a woman she is now married to. If I had gone ahead with the wedding as my ex fiancé wanted to do to avoid embarrassment, I would have never met my wife of 45 years and become the successful person I am. Sure it was embarrassing and I lost my deposits but I did not ruin my life. If you marry nothing will change. Can you live with that? BTW, it is not uncommon for someone to become addicted to another person despite the consequences. Edited July 27, 2017 by Steve51 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Username1911 Posted July 28, 2017 Author Share Posted July 28, 2017 My family is pretty upset about my decision, saying I'm being childish and that I'm making a mistake. But they're not the ones in my situation. The thing with his ex been going on for far too long. He'd always apologize, say he doesn't want her and wants to be with me, saying he's not cheating but yet he can't completely cut her off. So I'd always "forgive" him and we'd act like nothing happened till it happens again. Like i said we've never slept apart for the past 3-4 years, and I don't know what sleeping in different bedrooms will change but I'm not trying to be disrespected like this. I'm sure he wouldn't like if i was doing what he's doing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Username1911 Posted July 28, 2017 Author Share Posted July 28, 2017 At this point I don't know what i should do next. Do i talk to him, do i wait for him to talk to me first? I'm just pretty upset about the whole situation and feeling depressed especially about the wedding Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 First your family, they are either very naive or too concern about what others might think to place their care with you. Second: If there is an important issue now (like your's) it will only get worse not better if you marry. Right now you both on your best behavior. If this is his best .... You have no idea how right Steve51 is. Fact, a guy marries a woman who he hopes will never change. A woman marries a man knowing he will change for the better. Both are doomed to failed expectations. Take the time to read the infidelity threads and other man/woman threads. Many posts will suggest books. Read them. After my fiancé dumped me I woke up and changed. Perhaps leaving him and going N/C for a month will wake him up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JHandy Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 At this point I don't know what i should do next. Do i talk to him, do i wait for him to talk to me first? I'm just pretty upset about the whole situation and feeling depressed especially about the wedding I don't know how much longer you should go with him. It's been a few more days and he's still deciding to sleep separately from you. He should know he has upset you. He should be fixing this somehow. He should be trying. He's not. If I were to wager a guess, he's communicating with his ex while you're in the other room. What that communication is and to what extent - who knows. In my nightmare of a divorce my former wife harassed me to all ends. I let my current wife see all the communications for a lot of reasons. Mainly so she knew everything and another reason was getting her advise. She added a lot of clarity to my situation. His ex could be harassing him - maybe even mentally abusing him like my former wife was doing. Or they never really broke it off. I think you have a right to see what they are communicating about. It's your life investment. If she's hurting him and it's out of control, you can help him. Hopefully he will let you. If they are having a sexting pic swapping skyping type of thing going, you should know that too. If he's secretive and won't let you in - so to speak - you need to be done and you need to move on. I don't know how many more nights you want to take this, but I would say he's loosing time fast. One thing you could do is one of these nights, if the light is on and things are quiet, simply walk in on him "to talk" and see what he's doing. Like I said before, you could do better! Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 Thanks for those who replied. The wedding is definitely not happening at least not this week. ??? I'm so sorry. This is the correct decision but it must be incredibly painful My family is pretty upset about my decision, saying I'm being childish and that I'm making a mistake. But they're not the ones in my situation. The thing with his ex been going on for far too long. He'd always apologize, say he doesn't want her and wants to be with me, saying he's not cheating but yet he can't completely cut her off. So I'd always "forgive" him and we'd act like nothing happened till it happens again. Like i said we've never slept apart for the past 3-4 years, and I don't know what sleeping in different bedrooms will change but I'm not trying to be disrespected like this. I'm sure he wouldn't like if i was doing what he's doing. There is no reason he can't "completely cut her off" other than he doesn't want to. Your family is wrong that you are being childish. If they continue to balk at your wise decision point them to the royal family. Prince Charles married Princess Diana out of obligation when his heart belonged to Camilla. Look at all the tragedy that followed. At this point I don't know what i should do next. Do i talk to him, do i wait for him to talk to me first? I'm just pretty upset about the whole situation and feeling depressed especially about the wedding Of course you talk to him. This isn't some silly power game being played by middle school Children. This is your future & you probably just blew tens of thousands of dollars by cancelling your wedding the week of. Now is not the time to sit around dithering You have to communicate. Somebody has to be the mature adult who starts off the next chapter & it might as well be you. If you are unable or unwilling to start this conversation you may not be mature enough to be married. Just as an aside, if you are not talking to him, does he know the wedding is off? Have you made arrangements to send back all of the wedding & shower gifts? You have work to do on a personal relationship & on a a social obligation scale 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted July 31, 2017 Share Posted July 31, 2017 I'm so sorry. This is the correct decision but it must be incredibly painful There is no reason he can't "completely cut her off" other than he doesn't want to. Your family is wrong that you are being childish. If they continue to balk at your wise decision point them to the royal family. Prince Charles married Princess Diana out of obligation when his heart belonged to Camilla. Look at all the tragedy that followed. Of course you talk to him. This isn't some silly power game being played by middle school Children. This is your future & you probably just blew tens of thousands of dollars by cancelling your wedding the week of. Now is not the time to sit around dithering You have to communicate. Somebody has to be the mature adult who starts off the next chapter & it might as well be you. If you are unable or unwilling to start this conversation you may not be mature enough to be married. Just as an aside, if you are not talking to him, does he know the wedding is off? Have you made arrangements to send back all of the wedding & shower gifts? You have work to do on a personal relationship & on a a social obligation scale Very good point about Princess Diana. She wanted to call off the wedding and her sisters told her that her face was already on the tea towels. OP, I hope that you talk to your ex soon. You can't just cut him off. He deserves to know that he isn't getting married anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
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