I hurt him now what can I do?

[Miss Spider]

No, it wasn't. I did it to get time off. I regret it because things went too far. Part of me also assumed it was ok to date someone else, that it was none of his business, true or not, because he didn't want a relationship. So what's the fuss about now? Why the cold shoulder?

That's true. If I am understanding correctly, the fuss came after he discovered you lied/played games with him, and told him you did that because you needed space [presumably to move on] He is giving space. You've apologized and explained. I wouldn't assume he is hurt because his actions don't seem like someone who cared if he lost you. Truly I think it is as Elaine says he saw games and does not want the drama. All you can do now is hope he comes back around with space and time, but I don't feel like that would be good. Wishing you the best.

Edited July 25, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Versacehottie]

Well thanks for your input.

 

 

 

In this case, who do you think is being passive aggressive? Me or him?

 

I'm pretty sure smackie meant you--in reference to telling you that you were dating someone else when you actually weren't. I feel for you it's a difficult situation to be in when everything goes back and forth all the time.

 

The thing with hurtful "words" and situations is that you can only have so many before they actually lose meaning and it just becomes a constant toxic and dysfunctional situation that you can't get out of (not only that you aren't able to escape the relationship but it's a permanent dynamic whenever you are dating). Basically now I think whatever you do now will have little impact on him, like it won't be a threat or scary like he is going to lose you. You have cried wolf too many times and played your hand. You have kinda backed yourself into a corner where the only real action you can take is to break up with him for good and real space, no contact. I would give it 6 months to a year at least to actually reset it. I think it's the only way. In the meantime, absolutely date others. Do not hold on. Hopefully you will not want to go back to him if he comes back. But you need a solid period of no contact. He needs to absorb that he will lose you and your 'words' do mean something. Even if you are "with" him in some way if you do not fix this part, the relationship will never be balanced or stable. good luck

[Versacehottie]

BTW, use the break up to build yourself up. You need to have better self-worth and some hobbies and friends so you are stronger whenever you are in the next one (with him or anyone).

[spiderowl]

This guy does not appear to want a committed relationship with you. Why are you trying to work things out with him? If he is not offering what you need, don't hang around and try to make it work. Obviously lying is not a good idea, because it damages trust, but he was never quite there for you anyway. It might feel as though you have lost him but you never had him in the first place.

 

You have explained your reasons. Just leave him to it now. Cut off from him if you need to (I would if it was me) because you just don't need a constant reminder of things not working out. Remember, the reason they are not working is because of him in the first place, not your subsequent actions.

[silmina]

Basically now I think whatever you do now will have little impact on him, like it won't be a threat or scary like he is going to lose you. You have cried wolf too many times and played your hand. You have kinda backed yourself into a corner where the only real action you can take is to break up with him for good and real space, no contact.

 

You are right about this. Absolutely. I've been all words and little action, unfortunately. And I believe this is also why he reacts this way now...

 

I would give it 6 months to a year at least to actually reset it. I think it's the only way. In the meantime, absolutely date others. Do not hold on. Hopefully you will not want to go back to him if he comes back. But you need a solid period of no contact. He needs to absorb that he will lose you and your 'words' do mean something. Even if you are "with" him in some way if you do not fix this part, the relationship will never be balanced or stable. good luck

 

I wish there was another way but you are probably right also here. It's going to be tough, but what I see here is that we just end up disrespecting each other. He ignores me, I lie to him, etc.

[silmina]

This guy does not appear to want a committed relationship with you. Why are you trying to work things out with him? If he is not offering what you need, don't hang around and try to make it work. Obviously lying is not a good idea, because it damages trust, but he was never quite there for you anyway. It might feel as though you have lost him but you never had him in the first place.

 

You have explained your reasons. Just leave him to it now. Cut off from him if you need to (I would if it was me) because you just don't need a constant reminder of things not working out. Remember, the reason they are not working is because of him in the first place, not your subsequent actions.

 

Thank you so much spiderowl for reminding me that this mess is not just my fault.

 

I think part of me does not want to ruin the good things we had together, even if they don't equal to a committed relationship. I am aware of that. That's how I try to console myself, by remembering that I am not losing much anyway...

[TheFinalWord]

Oh I understood that. However the harm is done now and I was trying to find a way to fix the situation.

 

This relationship does not seem healthy. You should not have lied, but it sounds like you intended to self-sabotage the situation as you do not trust yourself to end things. In a way it worked, as even though you know this relationship is beyond repair you continue to write him, and he does not respond. It's for the best for both of you. I wish the best for you! I'm sorry it did not work out.

[spiderowl]

The problem with push/pull relationships is there is always enough good in them to make you think they will lead to something. Just when you think they will, the plug is pulled ever so slightly so you become uncertain. Then when you are utterly convinced it is not going anywhere and start to back off, they appear all loving and friendly (hinting at but still not offering more).

 

If enough time has passed and you do not have the committed relationship you want from him, it is time to prise away the 'ever so nice' aspects that keep you clinging onto hope. Believe me, I know how hard this is, but these people are masters at keeping you hanging in there. In a way, it is like being on a treadmill: you get the impression things are about to move forward but in actual fact you are still in the same place.

[stillafool]

 

Now, he went cold AFTER I told him it was a lie. At first, when I mentioned I was dating someone, he asked me to keep in touch anyway, in case it did not work out with the guy...

 

You see he wasn't even upset that you were seeing another guy and to keep in touch anyway - for what? So you could still be a FWB. He wasn't willing to fight for you one bit or tell you anything that would want to make you stay.

[silmina]

This relationship does not seem healthy. You should not have lied, but it sounds like you intended to self-sabotage the situation as you do not trust yourself to end things. In a way it worked, as even though you know this relationship is beyond repair you continue to write him, and he does not respond.

 

Sabotage is the word. You perfectly understood my reasons for lying.

 

Well he does respond, and he's open to seeing me again. But he's become very cold and I can tell he's holding a grudge against me.

[silmina]

The problem with push/pull relationships is there is always enough good in them to make you think they will lead to something. Just when you think they will, the plug is pulled ever so slightly so you become uncertain. Then when you are utterly convinced it is not going anywhere and start to back off, they appear all loving and friendly (hinting at but still not offering more).

 

If enough time has passed and you do not have the committed relationship you want from him, it is time to prise away the 'ever so nice' aspects that keep you clinging onto hope. Believe me, I know how hard this is, but these people are masters at keeping you hanging in there. In a way, it is like being on a treadmill: you get the impression things are about to move forward but in actual fact you are still in the same place.

 

Exactly. I don't think he's evil, and so there is the good part that I am trying to hold on to. Even if I know it won't lead to a real relationship. It would be easier if the guy had dumped me entirely, because there would be no dilemma. I think part of him was probably sincere, but something is preventing him from taking things to the next step, and I gave up trying to understand what that is. I am not even trying to change his mind anymore about that.

[silmina]

You see he wasn't even upset that you were seeing another guy and to keep in touch anyway - for what? So you could still be a FWB. He wasn't willing to fight for you one bit or tell you anything that would want to make you stay.

 

I have another version... He is not so worried because he knows I always come back. Although I am pretty sure he did not like the idea of me dating someone else, but of course he wouldn't admit it. He knows he has no right to, since he can't give me a real relationship. He's aware of that. But his ego probably still wouldn't mind having his cake and eat it...

[mikeylo]

You both sound same to me ! Both want each other but don't want each other lol ! You both like some stuff but hate the other stuff about each other. Both sound scared of commitment but again , still want it:p

 

Sounds fun !

 

If he is smart, he knows you played a game and lost. He could be hurt that why the need to play games when you can talk like adults?

 

Kids hold grudges. Kids play games.

 

I still feel you should open lines of communication, not written text but by mouth !

[act00]

You are suffering a loss. Now that things have slowed back down, you have this empty space that was likely occupied by this guy who was going nowhere and was never going to be a relationship. It's a LOSS. Fill it with something else. It will get better.

 

You would feel horrible if you flat out broke up and went no contact. You simply cannot break up with anyone and not feel horrible for it. I can understand your lie. He wouldn't "let" you leave, so you devised a plan that made the leaving possible. It worked. You feel bad for your lie. Understandable. Not the best choice, but sometimes we don't make the best choices when we're emotionally distraught, and you had reached some desperation.

 

You tried to break it off more than once, and he wouldn't let you, turning on the charm, making you feel like there was a sliver of hope. Then he runs cold again. This is not a relationship to have, but now that he's gone, you miss the good parts. You have a void in your life. You're feeling it.

 

You have to move on. You seem to want him to acknowledge his behavior. He won't. He doesn't see it. He likes having you around without actually committing. You tried to move on from him on more than one occasion. You have to remember how unhealthy and unhappy you were. He was bringing more stress into your life, and during a time of additional stress, you needed to eradicate the parts that weren't working...he wasn't working. You made a healthy choice.

 

Let him go. He didn't enhance your life. He created chaos. Take just a little bit of time to mourn the loss and emptiness, do not reach out again, and then find something new to fill the gap. You state in your original post that due to a lot going on with your life, you settled for this small fraction of what could be considered a boyfriend and intimacy, as you certainly weren't equipped to really get out and meet people. You stuck with familiar, even though it caused you a great deal of pain. Now is the time to concentrate on what you can do for YOU, so that you can meet a new, better boyfriend.

 

Of course you feel bad. Breakups never feel good.

[silmina]

I still feel you should open lines of communication, not written text but by mouth !

 

I am not sure this would be of much help. In theory I have some stuff to pick up at his place, I am pondering whether I should actually do it or not. Maybe it would soothe the pain? Maybe it would give me at least a sense of closure if I saw him again, took my stuff and walked away? But then if he rejects me, how would I feel?...

[silmina]

You would feel horrible if you flat out broke up and went no contact. You simply cannot break up with anyone and not feel horrible for it. I can understand your lie. He wouldn't "let" you leave, so you devised a plan that made the leaving possible. It worked. You feel bad for your lie. Understandable. Not the best choice, but sometimes we don't make the best choices when we're emotionally distraught, and you had reached some desperation.

 

You analyzed the situation very well. That's exactly what I tried to do. Other external factors made the situation unbearable, or at least made me feel so at the time, so I sabotaged whatever we had. Now I feel bad about it because, even though we weren't working out as a couple, I still cherish the bound we had. I felt he cared about me in spite of his reluctance to be in a relationship 100%. Maybe I shouldn't care so much about it, but I can't really control it.

 

You state in your original post that due to a lot going on with your life, you settled for this small fraction of what could be considered a boyfriend and intimacy, as you certainly weren't equipped to really get out and meet people. You stuck with familiar, even though it caused you a great deal of pain. Now is the time to concentrate on what you can do for YOU, so that you can meet a new, better boyfriend.

 

You are right again, but I still don't feel like I am equipped for something better at the moment. And it won't be before a long time. Firstly, because of some other hardship going on in my life that will take a while to sort out. Secondly, because now I must also get over him. I just don't feel like dating other guys right now. I am not ready.

 

Anyway, the more I think about it, the more I have this impression that right now he's just having fun punishing me, or something like that. If he was really hurt or angry, he'd refuse all contact with me, which is not the case.