silmina Posted July 25, 2017 Posted July 25, 2017 Hi all, I am new here and would like some advice or comfort regarding my situation... First of all, a bit of background… I started dating a guy about 2 years and a half ago, things progressed to a relationship before he decided to backtrack, about a year ago. I suspect there are some commitment issues on his end, and it happened at a particularly bad time in my life, so things deteriorated between us quite a bit, but we still somehow kept in touch. In the past few months, we had gotten closer again, but for reasons he never wished to explain, he’s refused to have a relationship with me again. I don’t feel like we were FWBs because in many ways we were much more than that, but still he kept blowing hot and cold, which has been a constant source of frustration for me. I decided to stick around because, in addition to having strong feelings for him, I also have a lot going on in my life right now so I thought I’d just go with the flow. But this «*non-relationship*» has kept hurting me over the past weeks, and I have felt on an emotional rollercoaster. I have tried many times to call it quits, but never managed to do it, in part due to the fact that he never let me go whenever I tried (and I should be more firm, I know, but…) and said he still had feelings for me anyway. Anyway, other recent events caused extra stress in my life and I figured I should find the strength to end things and move on this time. I felt hurt and desperate, and as a way to put distance between me and him, I told him that I had started dating someone else, which wasn’t true. Yes, I know, it was stupid and immature, but at the time I had the feeling that it would be the only way he would actually leave me alone and give me the space I needed. Besides, since he had been refusing to have a relationship with me, I figured I had the right to date other guys - true or not. Well, a few days passed and I sorted myself out and started feeling bad for being a liar (that’s just not the kind of person I am), so I told him it wasn’t true, and kinda laughed it off. Ever since he has been giving me the cold shoulder. He doesn’t ignore me, but clearly is barely friendly with me and will not initiate contact anymore. I do understand the fact he did not like the lie (and probably the idea I was dating someone else), so I waited for a few more days and apologized for my attitude. I have sent a few messages now and then (without being smothering though), and a brief email to explain to him why I lied and to tell him how I felt bad about it, but it doesn’t seem to make a difference to him. I know that I acted badly, even though he’s also hurt me a lot, so I am not necessarily surprised at his reaction. I am just wondering how I should proceed? Right now I am tempted to just stop messaging him for a while, but I fear he will never forgive me. Thanks for your advice.
smackie9 Posted July 25, 2017 Posted July 25, 2017 It wasn't working before, and it's not working now....write him off and move on. psychologists recommend to dump and run when dealing with a hot/cold personality. The cycle never stops because they have insecurity/anxiety issues when it come to getting too close to someone. That's why he was pushing you away and not wanting to commit. BTW being passive aggressive is never the right approach to get someone to make notice of an issue. Just come out and say it regardless of the consequences that may occur. 7
Author silmina Posted July 25, 2017 Author Posted July 25, 2017 Well thanks for your input. BTW being passive aggressive is never the right approach to get someone to make notice of an issue. Just come out and say it regardless of the consequences that may occur. In this case, who do you think is being passive aggressive? Me or him?
Zahara Posted July 25, 2017 Posted July 25, 2017 (edited) It's time to fully move on and stop investing any more time and thought in this guy. Forget about whether he forgives you or not. He played hot and cold and you lied and the result of all of that was more dysfunction. You need to come to terms that this will always be a dead end and END it for yourself because you deserve better. Your inability to move on is not his responsibility. When someone keeps pushing and pulling, you decide that it isn't for you anymore and cut the cord. Block him so that he doesn't derail you again. Edited July 25, 2017 by Zahara 1
mikeylo Posted July 25, 2017 Posted July 25, 2017 Don't send emails or messages. You don't say to a romantic interest that you are seeing someone else ! A decent person will back off ! Chew up your ego and talk to him. It might open lines of communication. No email or text. If communication dies, worse it becomes
Author silmina Posted July 25, 2017 Author Posted July 25, 2017 You don't say to a romantic interest that you are seeing someone else ! A decent person will back off ! Oh I understood that. However the harm is done now and I was trying to find a way to fix the situation. Chew up your ego and talk to him. It might open lines of communication. No email or text. If communication dies, worse it becomes Right now I think he is the one reacting with pride. My last email was very sweet, so my ego is not an issue. Do you mean I should talk to him in person?
mikeylo Posted July 25, 2017 Posted July 25, 2017 Yes, talk in person. When you talk face to face , they can see your facial expressions, your regret, remorse , your tone , etc etc. Don't give a well written speech, just say what you feel in your heart. If it was me, I would do it sooner than later. Even if it feels that he is hurting, when you talk, it will work out better. Him hurting means he has feelings for you. You be the one to soothe him.
elaine567 Posted July 25, 2017 Posted July 25, 2017 The guy broke it off with you and used you as a FWB for sex,and told you in no uncertain terms he does not want to be in a relationship with you. I guess YOU did not hurt him, you just introduced drama and tried to force his hand which he didn't like, so he has given up on you. Stop writing love stories in your head, this isn't what this is. "Non relationships" are for people who don't really care, you care so keep out of it, and don't look back. 4
olivetree Posted July 25, 2017 Posted July 25, 2017 I have a feeling you might be hoping that this will lead to getting back together. However, he wasn't meeting your needs then and he's not going to now. I am not judging you. You might not even realize that this is truly your aim. You've already apologized. I would drop it and move on. You can't make someone forgive you. You are chasing the guy by continually messaging. If I suspect you have an agenda other than to say you are sorry, he more than likely thinks so too. 3
Zahara Posted July 25, 2017 Posted July 25, 2017 (edited) Oh I understood that. However the harm is done now and I was trying to find a way to fix the situation. The harm here is you chasing a man that does not and never wanted to commit to you. The harm here is to your self-esteem. Stop chasing. Even if he forgave you and decided to let you back in, you'd stay on the same rollercoaster you were on before. You apologized. Now you move on. You need to put this guy behind you. There is no need to talk in person or continue perpetuating the dysfunction you both have created. The objective now is to move on. This was always a dead end. Edited July 25, 2017 by Zahara 6
ExpatInItaly Posted July 25, 2017 Posted July 25, 2017 The guy broke it off with you and used you as a FWB for sex,and told you in no uncertain terms he does not want to be in a relationship with you. I guess YOU did not hurt him, you just introduced drama and tried to force his hand which he didn't like, so he has given up on you. Stop writing love stories in your head, this isn't what this is. "Non relationships" are for people who don't really care, you care so keep out of it, and don't look back. This is my impression, too. I think he isn't hurt, really, beyond a bruised ego. This wasn't working anyway and he wasn't taking it seriously so even though it wasn't the most mature way out, it very much needed to end. There really isn't anything to "fix," as such. It's not as though he was committed. You already apologized for lying. That's about all that needs to happen here. The rest? Well, do you really want to go back to being on the fringes of his life? How much fun was that for you? 3
Author silmina Posted July 25, 2017 Author Posted July 25, 2017 The guy broke it off with you and used you as a FWB for sex,and told you in no uncertain terms he does not want to be in a relationship with you. No, he hasn't used me for sex at all. I guess YOU did not hurt him, you just introduced drama and tried to force his hand which he didn't like, so he has given up on you. Not at all. I thought I had to give up on him because of other factors and I told him this because I wanted him to back off at the moment. Except I regret it now. Stop writing love stories in your head, this isn't what this is. I am not writing any love story in my head. I feel bad for the lie.
Zahara Posted July 25, 2017 Posted July 25, 2017 I am not writing any love story in my head. I feel bad for the lie. Do you feel bad for the lie or do you feel bad that the lie backfired on you? You apologized and there is nothing more for you to do. Now you resolve to moving on from an unhealthy situation.
Author silmina Posted July 25, 2017 Author Posted July 25, 2017 I have a feeling you might be hoping that this will lead to getting back together. However, he wasn't meeting your needs then and he's not going to now. I am not judging you. You might not even realize that this is truly your aim. The point is not about having a relationship with him or not; he has stated he did not want one, although he's lead me on and wouldn't stop treating me like a gf in many ways. Part of me, the foolish part, is probably wishing for a miracle, but I know deep inside it is unlikely. Still, I don't like the way this is ending, because I feel like he's holding a grudge against me for no valid reason...
olivetree Posted July 25, 2017 Posted July 25, 2017 The point is not about having a relationship with him or not; he has stated he did not want one, although he's lead me on and wouldn't stop treating me like a gf in many ways. Part of me, the foolish part, is probably wishing for a miracle, but I know deep inside it is unlikely. Still, I don't like the way this is ending, because I feel like he's holding a grudge against me for no valid reason... I understand your regret. You are feeling the repercussions from your lie backfiring. Your ego is very bruised right now from his double rejection (rejection in the relationship and now his disgust at the lie). If you continue to message him, he will be even more turned off and you will feel even worse about yourself. As you have learned, lies and games never work, they only damage our self-esteem and people can always see right through them. Let it go and be happy that you have learned this lesson on a guy that it wasn't working with rather than one worth keeping. Being able to do that will make you stronger. 2
GemmaUK Posted July 25, 2017 Posted July 25, 2017 Silmina, why do you feel you are only worth someone who only wants you when he feels like it and will go 'sulky' if you are having a life? If I had been you I would have stuck with thet little white lie - which is what it was - just to get rid of this man. He is wasting your time and the time you're spending thinking about him. You have choice too here you know and ultimately you know he is wasting your time otherwise you wouldn't have posted this question. 2
Author silmina Posted July 25, 2017 Author Posted July 25, 2017 This is my impression, too. I think he isn't hurt, really, beyond a bruised ego. This wasn't working anyway and he wasn't taking it seriously so even though it wasn't the most mature way out, it very much needed to end. I am not sure about that... from the little bit of interaction I have had with him and some small hints on social media, I tend to believe that he did not appreciate the situation (but then... he also created the root of the problem by refusing to label our relationship as such...). There really isn't anything to "fix," as such. It's not as though he was committed. You already apologized for lying. That's about all that needs to happen here. The rest? Well, do you really want to go back to being on the fringes of his life? How much fun was that for you? I know... That's another problem, aside the fact that I don't feel good about the current situation.
Author silmina Posted July 25, 2017 Author Posted July 25, 2017 Do you feel bad for the lie or do you feel bad that the lie backfired on you? Both. I am not a liar as a person in general. But I've felt a bit lost emotionally lately for other unrelated reasons, and as I said I needed some space. I know it was stupid... I am just very confused now about the whole situation. It's tough when a guy blows hot and cold, you know. It may seem simple to say "dump him and move on", but it's easier said than done because you always tend to hold on to the good part. When you want to leave and the guy runs to you with tears in his eyes because he doesn't want you to go, where do you find the strength?
Author silmina Posted July 25, 2017 Author Posted July 25, 2017 Silmina, why do you feel you are only worth someone who only wants you when he feels like it and will go 'sulky' if you are having a life? Well that's exactly the thing I do not understand. He has been warned before that I wouldn't stick around forever at this rate and that he risked losing me to another guy. What was he hoping for? Now, he went cold AFTER I told him it was a lie. At first, when I mentioned I was dating someone, he asked me to keep in touch anyway, in case it did not work out with the guy... 1
GemmaUK Posted July 25, 2017 Posted July 25, 2017 Well that's exactly the thing I do not understand. He has been warned before that I wouldn't stick around forever at this rate and that he risked losing me to another guy. What was he hoping for? Now, he went cold AFTER I told him it was a lie. At first, when I mentioned I was dating someone, he asked me to keep in touch anyway, in case it did not work out with the guy... Simple. He knows you will come back. It depends whether you want to change that or not. Do what you always did and you will get what you always got.
preraph Posted July 25, 2017 Posted July 25, 2017 You broke up with him and it's over. You have apologized and now you get out of his life and let him move on. You can't hope to win him as a friend after breaking up with him. Just stop contacting him. 1
elaine567 Posted July 25, 2017 Posted July 25, 2017 Well that's exactly the thing I do not understand. He has been warned before that I wouldn't stick around forever at this rate and that he risked losing me to another guy. What was he hoping for? Now, he went cold AFTER I told him it was a lie. At first, when I mentioned I was dating someone, he asked me to keep in touch anyway, in case it did not work out with the guy... That is because he was/is perfectly willing for you to move on to someone else, BUT he didn't like being manipulated by you. He saw the lie as being an attempt by you to spur him into action and force him to get back with you. 3
Miss Spider Posted July 25, 2017 Posted July 25, 2017 Well that's exactly the thing I do not understand. He has been warned before that I wouldn't stick around forever at this rate and that he risked losing me to another guy. What was he hoping for? Now, he went cold AFTER I told him it was a lie. At first, when I mentioned I was dating someone, he asked me to keep in touch anyway, in case it did not work out with the guy... Elaine is right. From his angle it looks like you were playing games to get him to step up and commit (which realistically is probably what it was) and he's telling you he's not having it. If this guy had any decency he would back off from a girl he knows has feelings for him, not keep this going for almost 3 years. There's really no way I see this ending well for you and I'm sure he knows that. He prob felt relief when you said you met someone else 1
Author silmina Posted July 25, 2017 Author Posted July 25, 2017 That is because he was/is perfectly willing for you to move on to someone else, BUT he didn't like being manipulated by you. He saw the lie as being an attempt by you to spur him into action and force him to get back with you. Still not sure about that... When I said it was a lie I actually told him that I did it to get some space... it's always been the reason I did it. I realize it is difficult to make assumptions not knowing all the details of the story, but one thing I can guarantee you is that I did not say that to manipulate him into anything. I knew he would back off. And that's what I needed at the moment. Somehow a couple of days later his first text was also to ask me if things were still going fine with my new date...
Author silmina Posted July 25, 2017 Author Posted July 25, 2017 Elaine is right. From his angle it looks like you were playing games to get him to step up and commit (which realistically is probably what it was) and he's telling you he's not having it. No, it wasn't. I did it to get time off. I regret it because things went too far. Part of me also assumed it was ok to date someone else, that it was none of his business, true or not, because he didn't want a relationship. So what's the fuss about now? Why the cold shoulder? If this guy had any decency he would back off from a girl he knows has feelings for him, not keep this going for almost 3 years. I think maybe he's too selfish for that...
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