No introduction to the parents

[Kazie15]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]My boyfriend and I have been dating for the past 4 months.(We are both 30). Things have beenprogressing very well and things seem really great between us. He has met my parents, my extended family andmy son. He meshes very well witheveryone and they all seem to like him very much. He is even going with me and my whole family(including extended family) on a weeklong trip out of state in a few months. Wehave said the L word to each other and he has expressed to me on multiple occasionshow much I mean to him and how he sees a future with me and my son and has evengiven me a key to his place. I basicallystay with him 3 nights a week and we are with each other 4-5 days a week. So I am super confused on why he has not introducedme to his parents, family or friends yet. Let me start off by saying he is super close to his family, so it’s notlike he just doesn’t have a relationship with them. He goes to see them at least 2-3 times amonth and talks to them daily. Not justthat, but they don’t even know I exist. He told me very early on that he just doesn’t introduce girls to hisfamily and friends until he knows for sure that it is super serious becausethey (his family) will put a lot of pressure on him and he’s only everintroduced two girls to his family. Also, he is worried that his family may not be okay with some thingsabout me… like that I am not Catholic. His family is very religious and religion is a huge part of their familydynamitic. I am an atheist, although Iam very respectful of his faith and support him fully in his faith, he believesthey might see it as a problem and not give me a fair shake. Also, I am divorced with a child and again,he worries how that will look to them and that they will judge me beforegetting to know me. That was at thebeginning of our relationship. Then afew weeks ago, he tells me that he is ready for me to meet his family and hewants them to know how important I am to him. (I did not pressure him into this. I told him whenever he was ready, I was ready and never brought it upuntil he did) He has mentioned this several times. But then he went and spent a few days withthem (they live about an hour away) and when he got back, I asked if he mentionedme. He told me he is “working on it”. I can tell he is super nervous and he makingthis out to be a huge thing. Because heis making it such a big deal, he is freaking me out about meeting them or why Ihaven’t met them. Normally I wouldn’t be worried but because he’s making itsuch a big deal it makes it a big deal. I asked him if they would be mean to me and hesaid no. I asked if he thinks they willtell him to break up with me, he said no. He told me that he thinks his parentswould love me once they get to know me. He’s just worried about how they will be before they get to know me. I don’tsee what the big deal is. Anyways, he isgoing to be in his friend’s wedding in two months that is in the same extremelysmall town his parents live in and they are invited. We were texting about him getting his tuxfitted for the wedding and I texted him and asked him, “Am I going to be yourdate for the wedding?” mainly because I wanted to get it on my calendar and geta dress if I am (not that I have to be). He never answered the question and then immediately talked aboutsomething else. Again, which made meworried….. If he’s “working on it” wouldn’t you think they’d know about in mein the next two months? I just don’t understand….He is so all about our future, gave me a key to his place, talks about when weget married, always wants us to be together, and in every other aspect seems socommitted and invested in us having a future. Why is this such a big deal? [/sIZE][/FONT]

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[Redhead14]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]My boyfriend and I have been dating for the past 4 months.(We are both 30). Things have beenprogressing very well and things seem really great between us. He has met my parents, my extended family andmy son. He meshes very well witheveryone and they all seem to like him very much. He is even going with me and my whole family(including extended family) on a weeklong trip out of state in a few months. Wehave said the L word to each other and he has expressed to me on multiple occasionshow much I mean to him and how he sees a future with me and my son and has evengiven me a key to his place. I basicallystay with him 3 nights a week and we are with each other 4-5 days a week. So I am super confused on why he has not introducedme to his parents, family or friends yet. Let me start off by saying he is super close to his family, so it’s notlike he just doesn’t have a relationship with them. He goes to see them at least 2-3 times amonth and talks to them daily. Not justthat, but they don’t even know I exist. He told me very early on that he just doesn’t introduce girls to hisfamily and friends until he knows for sure that it is super serious becausethey (his family) will put a lot of pressure on him and he’s only everintroduced two girls to his family. Also, he is worried that his family may not be okay with some thingsabout me… like that I am not Catholic. His family is very religious and religion is a huge part of their familydynamitic. I am an atheist, although Iam very respectful of his faith and support him fully in his faith, he believesthey might see it as a problem and not give me a fair shake. Also, I am divorced with a child and again,he worries how that will look to them and that they will judge me beforegetting to know me. That was at thebeginning of our relationship. Then afew weeks ago, he tells me that he is ready for me to meet his family and hewants them to know how important I am to him. (I did not pressure him into this. I told him whenever he was ready, I was ready and never brought it upuntil he did) He has mentioned this several times. But then he went and spent a few days withthem (they live about an hour away) and when he got back, I asked if he mentionedme. He told me he is “working on it”. I can tell he is super nervous and he makingthis out to be a huge thing. Because heis making it such a big deal, he is freaking me out about meeting them or why Ihaven’t met them. Normally I wouldn’t be worried but because he’s making itsuch a big deal it makes it a big deal. I asked him if they would be mean to me and hesaid no. I asked if he thinks they willtell him to break up with me, he said no. He told me that he thinks his parentswould love me once they get to know me. He’s just worried about how they will be before they get to know me. I don’tsee what the big deal is. Anyways, he isgoing to be in his friend’s wedding in two months that is in the same extremelysmall town his parents live in and they are invited. We were texting about him getting his tuxfitted for the wedding and I texted him and asked him, “Am I going to be yourdate for the wedding?” mainly because I wanted to get it on my calendar and geta dress if I am (not that I have to be). He never answered the question and then immediately talked aboutsomething else. Again, which made meworried….. If he’s “working on it” wouldn’t you think they’d know about in mein the next two months? I just don’t understand….He is so all about our future, gave me a key to his place, talks about when weget married, always wants us to be together, and in every other aspect seems socommitted and invested in us having a future. Why is this such a big deal? [/sIZE][/FONT]

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he thinks his parentswould love me once they get to know me -- Perhaps he is more concerned about whether you will like them . . .

 

And, at 4 months, it's not that important to meet the parents. What's more important is developing a stable relationship and focused on each other. Outside influences either positive or negative can affect a relationship/partner. Sometimes, family creates pressure on a partner, either they are pushing them toward the new person because THEY really like them and sometimes it's the other way around.

 

If the relationship is strong/firmly rooted , it won't matter what they really have to say.

[Kazie15]

I was perfectly fine with him not being ready for that step. I didn't even bring it up the first time... He just told me he wanted me to know why he hadn't. This was immediately after he met my family. I told him no worries and when he was ready, awesome, so would I. After we said the L word, he started talking a lot about me meeting them and how he was ready and brought it up several, several times. I just told him, if your ready for that, so am I. But I could just tell how freaked he would seem each time he would talk about it. Again, I wasn't the one bring it up. The thing I am most concerned with is not the not meeting them part, but that no one he cares about knows I even exist in his world. I am a huge part of his daily life and none of his family or friends from back home even know I exist or how he spends his days with me. Does that not seem odd? I guess I wouldn't even be thinking about it at this stage in any relationship if he hadn't made it such a big deal.

[smackie9]

My dating sure has changed. In the olden days anyone that was dating me for a couple of weeks I met their parents, and him my dad. Age I guess plays a factor too.....the older you are the more you want to make sure you are invested before even bothering with the parents.

[Redhead14]

I was perfectly fine with him not being ready for that step. I didn't even bring it up the first time... He just told me he wanted me to know why he hadn't. This was immediately after he met my family. I told him no worries and when he was ready, awesome, so would I. After we said the L word, he started talking a lot about me meeting them and how he was ready and brought it up several, several times. I just told him, if your ready for that, so am I. But I could just tell how freaked he would seem each time he would talk about it. Again, I wasn't the one bring it up. The thing I am most concerned with is not the not meeting them part, but that no one he cares about knows I even exist in his world. I am a huge part of his daily life and none of his family or friends from back home even know I exist or how he spends his days with me. Does that not seem odd? I guess I wouldn't even be thinking about it at this stage in any relationship if he hadn't made it such a big deal.

 

Let him move towards this himself. Give him a little more time. If he brings it up, you simply say you are looking forward to meeting them and leave it at that for a while.

 

Does that not seem odd? -- Not at this point, really. He's still in the evaluation stage, I'd say. And, how do you know they don't know you exist? Has he said he's never mentioned it to them? Even if that's so, just let it be for a while longer.

 

if he hadn't made it such a big deal -- It is a big deal to him apparently but he's just not 'there' yet.

[GunslingerRoland]

4 months is pretty early, but looking at the situation as a whole, I'd argue you are getting to the level of seriousness where he's not just not introducing you, but probably actively hiding you from them.

[Saracena]

To a degree I can understand the parents at this point, but not having met his friends iii very strange to me four months in!

Edited July 25, 2017 by Saracena

[Kazie15]

.....And, how do you know they don't know you exist?

 

 

Well when he mentioned it that first time about him being ready for me to meet them and I could tell that, although he was saying he was ready, he was acting a little freaked out. We discussed it and I was trying to comfort him and telling him, "it will be fine. We can keep it super simple and just do dinner or something. I mean they know you have been seeing someone for a while, it just gonna be meeting me face to face." That is when he told me that no, they don't know about me. He hasn't told anyone from back home that he met someone or has been seeing anyone. I was surprised by this because I just assumed they knew since he literally talks to his parents daily and we are together daily. I guess when they say, "So what did you do today?" he just admits any activity we did together.... IDK....

 

 

He did tell me that he told Mickey, his friend about me last time he was out there and Mickey told him to just tell them and it shouldn't matter what anyone says if I make him happy. He says that a lot. "I don't care what anyone is gonna think or gonna say, I love you..." It always makes me feel odd when he says that. I know he means it as something sweet, but I feel like man am I that awful or embarrassing that you'd have to take heat because you're with me or he just assumes that they aren't going to like me? I mean I have never met a guys parents that they didn't immediately fall in love with me. I am likeable. I am smart, pretty, kind, tolerant, patient, a lot of things. Of course I don't say any of that... I just say I love you too.

[Saracena]

To add to my earlier post as unable to edit when posted before I'd finished-anyone I've ever dated introduced me to friends very early on!

 

To me something isn't quite fight

[d0nnivain]

So I am super confused on why he has not introducedme to his parents, family or friends yet.

 

 

I think you both may be putting too much pressure on meet the family. That can be a big step & it's made more stressful when there is a build up.

 

 

Meet the friends should be casual & organic. After 4 months if you still haven't met friends, that would be a bigger concern.

 

 

I avoided introducing people to my parents when possible because my parents were difficult people. Especially when I was younger I didn't know how to deal with the cringe worthy Qs they'd lob at people. As I aged, I'd deflect any improper / ride Qs on behalf of my date & move on.

 

 

IMO you may have rushed introducing your SO to your whole family especially your child but if you're happy & comfortable with your decision, who am I to tell you that you're wrong?

 

 

Find out why you haven't met any friends.

 

 

Perhaps suggest something like having his parents over for dinner if you are so keen on meeting them.

[No_Go]

Maybe for him meeting the family IS a big deal. Not everyone is comfortable sharing private life with family - I'm certainly not. I actually had enormous issue before because exes of mine wanted to meet my family and i never wanted to so I end up giving excuses because it gets hard to explain over and over (and over) that it has nothing to do with them, it is more about my own family dynamics.

 

At 4 months is too early to mention/introduce to parents IMO. If it was an year or two years - maybe I could see your point.

 

Start off with the friends though - maybe you can start introducing each other to your coworkers or other friends?

[GunslingerRoland]

I get what people are saying about it being early, and about there being various reasons for not wanting to introduce to the parents.

 

But if they are seeing each other 5 days a week and he's talking to his parents every day, there is a lot of active deceit going on if they don't even know she exists... that is concerning.

 

Same with the friends thing, if they are spending that much time together and she hasn't met his friends, he either doesn't really have any friends, or he is going to great length to make sure she doesn't meet his friends.

[coolheadal]

Well you just have to wait and stop pushing this.. When everyone is ready to met it will happen. For now back-off..

[Kazie15]

I think you both may be putting too much pressure on meet the family. That can be a big step & it's made more stressful when there is a build up.

 

 

Meet the friends should be casual & organic. After 4 months if you still haven't met friends, that would be a bigger concern.

 

 

I avoided introducing people to my parents when possible because my parents were difficult people. Especially when I was younger I didn't know how to deal with the cringe worthy Qs they'd lob at people. As I aged, I'd deflect any improper / ride Qs on behalf of my date & move on.

 

 

IMO you may have rushed introducing your SO to your whole family especially your child but if you're happy & comfortable with your decision, who am I to tell you that you're wrong?

 

 

Find out why you haven't met any friends.

 

 

Perhaps suggest something like having his parents over for dinner if you are so keen on meeting them.

 

- Okay so the reason I haven't met his friends is that he had just moved to this area like a few weeks before we met so he doesn't really have any friends here. He sees his friends from back home a few times a month but he usually is staying at his parents house when he does that so I don't get an invite.

[coolheadal]

- Okay so the reason I haven't met his friends is that he had just moved to this area like a few weeks before we met so he doesn't really have any friends here. He sees his friends from back home a few times a month but he usually is staying at his parents house when he does that so I don't get an invite.

 

How old are you two? Sound young? Why do you push this, if he living with his parents still I thought you two live together.. Your first post is hard to read..

[kendahke]

What you would do and what he would do about the same issue have nothing to do with each other. For some people, 4 month old fledgling relationships are not what one brings home to the folks and would rather wait to see if this will survive past the 6 month mark.

 

That's fine if you want to rush into incorporating him into your family, but it doesn't mean he's obligated to reciprocate.

 

His 30 years of experiences with his family have led him to take the actions he's taken when it comes to bringing a new girlfriend home to meet them.

 

He probably knows what kind of a train wreck is waiting at the end of him bringing a non-catholic, divorced with two children atheist he's known only 4 months home and he wishes to spare himself that experience until he's certain you two are solid.

 

So, what's the rush? Why do families have to be brought into the mix right now? There's plenty of time for them to meet each of you if this has the legs required to run the marathon. Don't treat this like it's a sprint, trying to cram a lifetime of experiences into 4 months of knowing him.

[Kazie15]

Let him move towards this himself. Give him a little more time. If he brings it up, you simply say you are looking forward to meeting them and leave it at that for a while.

 

Does that not seem odd? -- Not at this point, really. He's still in the evaluation stage, I'd say. And, how do you know they don't know you exist? Has he said he's never mentioned it to them? Even if that's so, just let it be for a while longer.

 

if he hadn't made it such a big deal -- It is a big deal to him apparently but he's just not 'there' yet.

 

How old are you two? Sound young? Why do you push this, if he living with his parents still I thought you two live together.. Your first post is hard to read..

 

We are both 30. We do not live together nor do we live with our parents. He is from a small town about an hour or so away and just moved to this area for work about 5 months ago. We started dating within a month of his move here. I stay at his place 3 nights a week or he stays at mine, which are the nights my ex-husband has my son (I share joint-custody) but we spend between 4-5 days a week together. He goes back "home" (not really his current place of residency but rather where he is from) about 2-3 times a month to see family and friends and he'll usually spend the night at this parent's house and go to Church with them.

[GunslingerRoland]

Wait, so his friends and parents live in a different city? That was a huge detail that was missing.

 

I was picturing you guys out and about, and him quickly dropping you off somewhere before seeing his parents and friends.

[kendahke]

As far as the friends go: I'd be wondering why he wasn't introducing me to them, too--like is there someone somewhere in his friends group who is going to make trouble about your new relationship? I've learned in my experiences that when a guy doesn't want to bring me around friends it's because there is a woman who still thinks that she and he are together and that woman knows all his friends and one of those friends will say something to her, for sure, but also to me, so he's avoiding the whole scene by not bringing me around.

 

Just something to think about.

 

And sorry--I misread on how many kids you have.

[Redhead14]

What's really going on for you, OP? There's a logical reason for having not met friends. And, there's are logical reasons for having not met the family -- they live somewhere else, it's really too soon to meet them and if he has to stay at their house when he does go "home", of course, you wouldn't be going.

 

Do you feel like he's keeping you a secret for some "dark" reason? You're feeling insecure for some reason it appears to me and it's not all about this issue. People usually focus on a "topic" rather than the bigger picture when seeking advice, etc. If he isn't making you feel secure in the relationship as a whole, then that's where you need to start. What other behaviors are you seeing that cause you to feel insecure? If he's doing everything else "right", for get about this thing for now.

[Kazie15]

What you would do and what he would do about the same issue have nothing to do with each other. For some people, 4 month old fledgling relationships are not what one brings home to the folks and would rather wait to see if this will survive past the 6 month mark.

 

That's fine if you want to rush into incorporating him into your family, but it doesn't mean he's obligated to reciprocate.

 

His 30 years of experiences with his family have led him to take the actions he's taken when it comes to bringing a new girlfriend home to meet them.

 

He probably knows what kind of a train wreck is waiting at the end of him bringing a non-catholic, divorced with two children atheist he's known only 4 months home and he wishes to spare himself that experience until he's certain you two are solid.

 

So, what's the rush? Why do families have to be brought into the mix right now? There's plenty of time for them to meet each of you if this has the legs required to run the marathon. Don't treat this like it's a sprint, trying to cram a lifetime of experiences into 4 months of knowing him.

 

I completely understand where you are coming from. I wasn't concerned about it until he made a big deal about it. In-fact when he first told me that he doesn't take girls home and why it would be even harder with me since I don't fit that "ideal" situation for his family. I totally understood and told him he'd get no pressure from me about it and when he was ready, he was ready and I never mentioned again until he did. For me; however, my family is extremely 1. accepting and 2. a huge part of my daily life so if I feel like a guy is going to also be a huge part of my daily life the two MUST meet and mesh well. I have no interest in living double lives. One with my boyfriend, one with my family. Like I expected, they treated him with respect and welcome arms, and if it does work out it will be no pressure on me from them. But that is my family and my relationship with them. I understand that not all people have that same family dynamic.... The part that concerned me is 1. why is he mentioning that this is what HE wants to do and then backing out... 2. Why is he making such a big deal about it because that is what is freaking me out.... I'm not pushing him or pressuring him but he is bring it up and then getting weird about it. 3. It does make me a little concerned that he acts like because I'm a non-Catholic atheist divorce mom that they will not even give me a chance.... Family is important to me and it does make me nervous that he is so nervous that his family will not accept me.... Even though he believes that once they get to know me, they will love me.

[Kazie15]

What's really going on for you, OP? There's a logical reason for having not met friends. And, there's are logical reasons for having not met the family -- they live somewhere else, it's really too soon to meet them and if he has to stay at their house when he does go "home", of course, you wouldn't be going.

 

Do you feel like he's keeping you a secret for some "dark" reason? You're feeling insecure for some reason it appears to me and it's not all about this issue. People usually focus on a "topic" rather than the bigger picture when seeking advice, etc. If he isn't making you feel secure in the relationship as a whole, then that's where you need to start. What other behaviors are you seeing that cause you to feel insecure? If he's doing everything else "right", for get about this thing for now.

 

 

 

You're right. This is making me insecure (and it is not usually something that does)... but when someone tell you that 1. your not ideal to their family (again, family is extremely important to me) that makes me a little insecure.... 2. Saying your ready to take this MAJOR step that I know is huge for him... and then backing down made me a little worried. Like why did he have a change of heart? I know he is scared. But him being scared to tell people he loves me yes makes me insecure. Telling me that people he loves may not accept me, yes makes me insecure.

[kendahke]

The part that concerned me is 1. why is he mentioning that this is what HE wants to do and then backing out... 2. Why is he making such a big deal about it because that is what is freaking me out.... I'm not pushing him or pressuring him but he is bring it up and then getting weird about it. 3. It does make me a little concerned that he acts like because I'm a non-Catholic atheist divorce mom that they will not even give me a chance.... Family is important to me and it does make me nervous that he is so nervous that his family will not accept me.... Even though he believes that once they get to know me, they will love me.

 

I'd say because he knows them and knows how they are. While he may want very much to bring you in and thinks that if they did get a chance to know you, they'd love you, he knows them and the potential for things to go really badly really fast and he's got to be certain you're "the one" first so that if they say something to make you forget yourself (because that is possible), that he knows you well enough to back you up and cut ties with them if needs be. Tall order there and I can understand why he'd want to be as sure about you as he can possibly be.

 

BUT--that doesn't address why you haven't met his friends.

[d0nnivain]

It's not the failure to meet the parents that is messing with your head & making you insecure. It's him. Given the fact that there is some measure of inconvenience, it's not awful that you haven't met these people. You initially made it sound like or at least I inferred that everybody was local.

 

 

He told you that you are not ideal for his parents. He may have been forewarning you that his strict Catholic parents are going to have harsh words or a low opinion of a divorced atheist who is dating their son. God knows my parents said horrible things when I brought home a divorced father.

 

 

Him saying he's ready to take the big step then not doing it, is what's upsetting you.

 

 

Can you start small? An hour isn't an insurmountable distance. It's not like anybody has to get on a plane for you all to meet. Pick a weekend & a place in the middle to go out with his friends. Don't these people ever come to visit him?

 

 

Perhaps you can get a better read on him & the parents through the friends.

[Kazie15]

I'd say because he knows them and knows how they are. While he may want very much to bring you in and thinks that if they did get a chance to know you, they'd love you, he knows them and the potential for things to go really badly really fast and he's got to be certain you're "the one" first so that if they say something to make you forget yourself (because that is possible), that he knows you well enough to back you up and cut ties with them if needs be. Tall order there and I can understand why he'd want to be as sure about you as he can possibly be.

 

BUT--that doesn't address why you haven't met his friends.

 

So all his friends live in his home-town (about an hour away). He just moved here a few months ago for work so between the hours he spends at work and with me, he doesn't know many people here. He only sees his friends from "back home" a few times a month. He usually see them on Saturday nights when I have my son. He'll go back to his home-town, spend the night with his parents, sees his friends and then goes to church with them on Sunday and then come home. Then me and my son will come over on Sunday afternoon for pool time and dinner. So since his family and friend times is combined, I don't get an invite. I know that he did talk to his really close friend about me last weekend and told him all about me. Maybe I can suggest that him and his girlfriend come up here for dinner instead of my bf always going down there.