mmx7979 Posted July 25, 2017 Posted July 25, 2017 Hi Everybody, I have been dating this girl for more than 5 weeks and we were hitting it off right from the beginning. We made out every time we meet (since the 2nd date) but we haven't been intimate yet. She is 36 and I'm 37 years old. My only concern is that it is always me initiating the conversations even though she always replies within 30 minutes and also answers my questions and we flirt a lot. I want to add that we are in contact daily. This girl is tradional and conservative and maybe she wants me to contact her all the time and she mentioned that she likes to message me. Nevertheless I do not want to appear too strong on her by initiating contact every time. I want her to chase me too since my goal is a longerterm relationship and hers as well. I was reading that girls loose interest in a guy when he is too interested. What are you opinions about it? PS: I have been married for 7 years and now I'm single since 1,5 years. I have little knowledge how thinks work these days.
elaine567 Posted July 25, 2017 Posted July 25, 2017 It all depends on the woman, what she expects and what that contact consists of. Hundreds of messages saying absolutely nothing will be heaven to some and hell to others. Some women love constant attention, others don't. YOU just have to gauge her reactions and play it by ear. If she is somewhat "traditional" and conservative in her views, then I guess if you stop initiating then you may wait a very very long time to hear from her, if ever. That may be no indication of how she feels, just how she views dating. Some women will lose interest if the man doesn't contact her enough, playing it cool doesn't always give the desired results. 9
meta.morphate Posted July 25, 2017 Posted July 25, 2017 ^^ Agreed. You might try saying something to this girl like, "call me when you get out of work tomorrow" ... or just playfully let her know, in a good moment, "it's okay if you text me too, you know!" She might just be traditional and feel like it's your job to initiate things. I know lots of girls that are that way ... its the equivalent of approaching a guy out in public, traditionally, that's the man's job. Has she ever expressed annoyance with how often you text her? Like, does she seem to want more or less attention than you're currently giving her? I can't speak for all women, but I know for myself personally, I hate small talk. So, a text that says how's your day, that I am free to respond to when its convenient for me, is great during the workday. A phone call on break might be even better. But, just carrying on an all-day conversation about nothing is sooo annoying ... however, some women like that! 1
Author mmx7979 Posted July 25, 2017 Author Posted July 25, 2017 Well, she has never mentioned that she is annoyed with me contacting her or the amount of texts. I usually text with her in the evening but never more than 8 to 10 messages a day since I have a job and hobbies too:-). Right now she is on vacations for 10 days - visting her family so I want to give her space as well. She says tjat she preferes texting (we do not communicate in out mother tongue). Thanks for your advises- I will bring it up next time I meet her face to face. It's just I really really like her and do not want to blow things up with her.
Redhead14 Posted July 25, 2017 Posted July 25, 2017 My only concern is that it is always me initiating -- Stop initiating and give her an opportunity to initiate. How long do you "wait" in between? Give a little room. This girl is tradional and conservative and maybe she wants me to contact her all the time and she mentioned that she likes to message me. -- I say just ask her what her preference is instead of doing the "maybes". And, development of a relationship needs to have balance otherwise you do feel as though you're doing all the work. Some women don't understand this. They use the "early dating guidelines" forever. By now, she should be doing some initiating. It needs to be reciprocal. she mentioned that she likes to message me. -- Tell her you want that. I was reading that girls loose interest in a guy when he is too interested. -- Most women want quality, consistent communication. Not being bombarded all day long. But, she may want more, ask her what she wants. Have a casual conversation with her. 1
kendahke Posted July 25, 2017 Posted July 25, 2017 What does she say when you tell her you like when she initiates contact? I'd say stop initiating so much and see if she's arsed to do it. How does she feel about being the one who initiates? Does she look at it as a chore or does she have some real, genuine reasons for not initiating, like busy with kids/parents/work and time gets away from her? This girl is tradional and conservative It's one thing to be "conservative" blah blah and quite another to expect to be waited on hand and foot. You need to divine which of the two camps she's in.
Chilli Posted July 25, 2017 Posted July 25, 2017 l'd go with Elaine tbh, But my gf loved me texting any time and she could chitter chatter all day long. Ex w was the same. However earlier on , gf did expect me to do the chasing for quite awhile , she was kinda old fashioned in that way which l loved tbh.
smackie9 Posted July 25, 2017 Posted July 25, 2017 It's only too much when they aren't really all that into you or have that personality that likes a lot of personal space. 5
d0nnivain Posted July 25, 2017 Posted July 25, 2017 I usually text with her in the evening but never more than 8 to 10 messages a day since I have a job and hobbies too:-). Right now she is on vacations for 10 days - visting her family so I want to give her space as well. She says tjat she preferes texting (we do not communicate in out mother tongue). Girls may lose interest if a boy makes things too easy. Grown adult women of 36 years know their own minds & appreciate a man who doesn't play games. 8-10 messages per day sounds smothering to me. At 5 weeks in I certainly don't want daily contact. You did mention that she is traditional & conservative. You also say you don't communicate in your "mother tongue". I assume that means you are not originally from the US. If the cultural norm in your culture is that the woman does not initiate, you need to bear that in mind when analyzing her behavior in not calling you. With 8-10 messages per day I don't see where she has much of a chance. Do ask her to call you if that is something you would like.
No_Go Posted July 25, 2017 Posted July 25, 2017 Eh, she's not a girl - she's a grown-ass woman with probably ton of responsibilities so if you constantly contact her - sure, you can get annoying. However - usually it works that way: it gets annoying if and only if you're not interested in the person sending the messages. If she is - she'll be flattered (but maybe won't respond too fast if she's very busy if that is a concern of yours)
salparadise Posted July 25, 2017 Posted July 25, 2017 8-10 messages per day sounds smothering to me. I think he means 8-10 altogether in the evening exchange. He said he texts her in the evening, not all day long. At 5 weeks in I certainly don't want daily contact. I think you'd be the exception on this. I've yet to meet a woman who didn't prefer daily contact after the first few weeks. OP, my guess is that she's one of those believes that women aren't supposed to initiate. I suggest you change that by having a talk and letting her know that you want a fully reciprocal relationship. Then slow it down to every other day, invite her to text you first anytime, and see if she texts you first on the off days. If you wait the same length of time that it takes her to text you before you initiate another exchange, she will be determining the frequency. Women will tell you what they think they want, but the reality is that if you are a little less available it makes attraction stronger. People crave what they can't get enough of, and grow complacent if something is in too much supply. I've always found it better to be attentive when you're together, but somewhat unavailable when you're not. You also find out a lot about her personality that way. But there is an art to the dance, so no rules are written in stone. 2
SevenCity Posted July 25, 2017 Posted July 25, 2017 I think he means 8-10 altogether in the evening exchange. He said he texts her in the evening, not all day long. I think you'd be the exception on this. I've yet to meet a woman who didn't prefer daily contact after the first few weeks. OP, my guess is that she's one of those believes that women aren't supposed to initiate. I suggest you change that by having a talk and letting her know that you want a fully reciprocal relationship. Then slow it down to every other day, invite her to text you first anytime, and see if she texts you first on the off days. If you wait the same length of time that it takes her to text you before you initiate another exchange, she will be determining the frequency. Women will tell you what they think they want, but the reality is that if you are a little less available it makes attraction stronger. People crave what they can't get enough of, and grow complacent if something is in too much supply. I've always found it better to be attentive when you're together, but somewhat unavailable when you're not. You also find out a lot about her personality that way. But there is an art to the dance, so no rules are written in stone. The bolded is so true. But be prepared for every woman here to disagree and call it game playing. 1
I AM HERE Posted July 26, 2017 Posted July 26, 2017 Gage her responses for yourself as a previous poster suggested, women don't like to play games. It's a total turn-off for some of us. There is nothing wrong with you initiating and basically letting her know you are truly interested. 2
Miss Spider Posted July 26, 2017 Posted July 26, 2017 if a girl looses interest in a guy because he said one wrong word or sent one too many texts, there probably interest/attraction to sustain a rship anyway. And in the rare event you make it there, you'll be walking around on eggshells in a very delicate balancing act the whole rship. If a girl likes "distant" guys, the moment you let your guard down and open up she'll lose interest. Be yourself, text when you feel like it (within reason). it's so much better. 6
GemmaUK Posted July 26, 2017 Posted July 26, 2017 I'm happy to initiate contact but definitely don't want/need daily contact. I will also say so if texting volume is becoming a pain/feeling like an obligation. Over the last few years I have found the guys I have dated have been the ones who needed the daily contact - all 30/40 odd year olds.
Author mmx7979 Posted July 26, 2017 Author Posted July 26, 2017 Thank you guys for all the feedback :-). I see it like this too - I'm a grown man and I'm out for something serious and not game playing. Anyways, I will have to move on because this doesn't work out for me. Yesterday we were texting and she is coming back to town next week with her niece (she comes for a two week vacation) and she was asking me if it would be alright to introduce me to her niece as her friend. My respons was "how do you see me in your eyes" and she somehow got mad because I make things complicated and pressured her. She knows very well that I have feelings for her (told her a week ago) and I believe she has feelings for me too. I decided not to contact her anymore. I'm fed up with women saying that guys are flaking when things get serious. I have now experienced that so many times since I'm single. Women do not know what they want. I will have to take a break from all this BS dating scene. It just became annoying....
kendahke Posted July 26, 2017 Posted July 26, 2017 The bolded is so true. But be prepared for every woman here to disagree and call it game playing. Read my #6 post. No one has yet to disagree with it. If anything, she's the one playing the games. The person who cares the least holds the power. 1
kendahke Posted July 26, 2017 Posted July 26, 2017 (edited) Let me fix that for you Some women do not know what they want. I think it's a good idea to stop contacting her, but what are you going to say once she contacts you--because she will and because you haven't blocked her, so what are you going to say? Did she say that you pressure her and make things complicated? Edited July 26, 2017 by kendahke 1
Author mmx7979 Posted July 26, 2017 Author Posted July 26, 2017 Well, like I said - she is visting her parents and doesn't have any duties with kids or work. I didn't bring up the initiating of texting yesterday and it doesn't really matter. Yes, she wrote that she felt pressured when I asked her what she sees in me with her own eyes. If she is going to contact me it would be fine and I would tell her that a relationship is a giving and taking. If she disagrees she can look for someone else. I'm about to stop caring... My only red flag I had with her was, that her longest relationship was 3 years and this weired especially when you turn 37 soon. I'm a descent and good looking man, have a great education, well paid job, friends and have a lot to give. It just feels impossible these days to find someone who is genuine and actually wants to exchange feelings. It appears to me that most women are out there in order to gain something like money and status and love is secondary...sad,sad...
elaine567 Posted July 26, 2017 Posted July 26, 2017 It appears to me that most women are out there in order to gain something like money and status and love is secondary...sad,sad... Yes, but the section of women (30-40) you are dealing with have very practical reasons for dating men, and usually gaining money and status are very important to them... All very well to have love and sex and fun, but none of those things pay the rent and most "normal" women want to be set up in a house with kids and the whole comfortable set up by the time they are in their 40s. Time tends to run out for women, especially women who are poor and have no real career or anything else going for them. They need the support of a man to have a better life, two salaries are better than one, but if that man is not able to provide that better standard of living for her or improve her lot, then what good is he? She is no longer idealistic and thinks love conquers all, many have already bought that t-shirt and are in no mood to buy another... I guess most women would be very happy to find true love, but when experience tells her a different story then gaining money and status are usually the next best things... 1
SevenCity Posted July 26, 2017 Posted July 26, 2017 Thank you guys for all the feedback :-). I see it like this too - I'm a grown man and I'm out for something serious and not game playing. Anyways, I will have to move on because this doesn't work out for me. Yesterday we were texting and she is coming back to town next week with her niece (she comes for a two week vacation) and she was asking me if it would be alright to introduce me to her niece as her friend. My respons was "how do you see me in your eyes" and she somehow got mad because I make things complicated and pressured her. She knows very well that I have feelings for her (told her a week ago) and I believe she has feelings for me too. I decided not to contact her anymore. I'm fed up with women saying that guys are flaking when things get serious. I have now experienced that so many times since I'm single. Women do not know what they want. I will have to take a break from all this BS dating scene. It just became annoying.... Good for you. But I wouldn't be surprised if you run into this again. Women are like cats and men are like dogs in that they do not fall in love as quickly as guys do. As a result, it's prudent to let them come to you. When you profess feelings for them it scares them away because they often think "this guy doesn't even know me. Is he trying to lock me down? Is he controlling and going to take away my freedom?" By allowing the woman to discuss feelings first, you are working on her time table and allowing her to fall in love slowly over time. The last girl I dated went from a backing away and throwing out doubts to professing love over a matter of 2 months. When you look at it objectively you start to see patterns with the way most women behave. They are the ones who get pregnant, they are physically weaker, and they ultimately decide who gets them. As a result they are a lot more cautious and take things slower than most guys. Guys see a hot girl who is cool and in their mind they are already planning how many kids they will have. It doesn't work the same for women. You need to slowly build up trust and don't force them into a commitment for which they are not ready. Try to chase a cat and it will run away. Same result with most women. They want to earn you and have everything regarding the RL be their idea. If you love too quick, they will run. She was clearly saying she was not ready for a commitment but you forced it on her and she got upset. Be who you are but realize this is not the last girl who will behave like this. 1
preraph Posted July 26, 2017 Posted July 26, 2017 Don't contact someone all the time unless you have something to actually communicate all the time. It leaves nothing to talk about when you're then in person. So then being in person becomes boring and repetitive. A lot of contact just burns your relationship out quicker. This does not mean that you are inconsiderate and let her sit around wondering why you haven't said hi for 3 days. But too much contact just seems clingy and desperate and sometimes parental or like you're just checking up on them and no one likes that. So unless you have something to convey that won't keep until you meet or you just haven't said hi for a couple of days then leave it alone. Some people like to check in once a day and others feel that's too much or not enough so maybe it's a conversation you should have but doing everything via text is a mistake because having something to talk about in person is what brings people together and makes intimacy and you can't do that via text. 1
stillafool Posted July 26, 2017 Posted July 26, 2017 I I think you'd be the exception on this. I've yet to meet a woman who didn't prefer daily contact after the first few weeks. Count me in with dOnnivain that daily contact after only a few weeks dating would be way too much for me too. As a matter of fact when I was single after the first date I didn't want or expect it for at least 5 days.
kendahke Posted July 26, 2017 Posted July 26, 2017 Let me fix this one for you, too: It appears to me that all the women that I attract/are attractive to me are out there in order to gain something like money and status and love is secondary...sad,sad.. You can't speak on all or most because you haven't met all or most--you can only speak on who you've had experience with. I understand you're disillusioned because of this chick, but generalizations don't help you make your case. It might be a good idea to look for women who have that money/status thing wrapped up already. 1
knabe Posted July 26, 2017 Posted July 26, 2017 It's one thing to be "conservative" blah blah and quite another to expect to be waited on hand and foot. You need to divine which of the two camps she's in. This is a very interesting interpretation. See I was somewhat traditional and dated somewhat conservatively, and I didn't expect to be waited on hand and foot (sheesh). I didn't initiate much because I was raised that it was "unladylike" for the girl to call a guy or pursue. In fact, I once got grounded in junior high for calling a boy! So not all women who don't do initiation math are princesses. Sometimes we just want to "be ladies." It's probably outdated, but it's hard to undo your raising lol
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