Will 30 days NC work if you have arranged to exchange stuff at some point....

[bawdseyben]

Hello,

 

So I am sure many people on this forum who have come here looking for some way to get back with their ex, have seen that the consensus across the internet is 30 NC before you speak again.

 

I won't go into the reasons for my breakup, but how the last communication was where we agreed that we needed a bit of distance before we exchange our belongings (I have a fair bit of her stuff).

 

After we broke up I sent a letter saying why I loved her which pushed her away further (schoolboy error through shock in the days after). Then we were messaging a bit and I was asking some questions, before I decided to break it off because I don't think it is healthy to build a texting relationship post-breakup (I'd rather she remember me in person).

 

I am now on 10 days of NC, which has been difficult, but do you think that the whole exercise is pointless if she is expecting me to contact her at some point in the future?

 

 

Thanks,

 

Ben

[Zolatola]

No contact isn't a tactic to get your ex back.

[stockyoldfrump]

It's cliche, but you have to do the no contact for you, not to get her back.

 

Reconciliation is more the occasional bi-product of well intentioned NC, not its chief goal. NC is not a tactic so much as an intense self care methodology. It's pretty much a given that the better care you take of yourself, the more attractive you are. And it's also a given that chasing someone who doesn't want to be chased is really, really offputting. Given those two realities, NC is probably the most effective way to getting an ex back by default, but it's still a huge longshot and, moreover, that's not the reason you should be doing it.

 

No contact can conceivably work as a way to get someone back for a variety of reasons, including the opportunity for mutual reflection, opportunity to miss each other, and opportunity for personal growth. But remember that your relationship ended because some your partner felt trapped in the relationship for some reason. It might have been you, it might have been her, or more likely it was co-created. Regardless of the reason, unless she specifically mentioned that you weren't attentive or didn't tell her you love her or something easily fixable, pursuing her before change can take place will only make her more trapped by making her feel like you're trying to ensnare her again the same situation she just escaped.

 

Sadly (and I am in your same boat as someone suffering a recent dumping), the only way you're getting back together is if something changes in HER mind. That may happen or it may not. But if you're given an opportunity again, you MUST make her feel like the situation she's reentering is different than the one she exited. The only way to do that is for you to work on yourself in all ways during the NC so that the you she sees down the road is exciting and new.

 

And the only way to make that progress is to stop worrying about winning her back as much as possible, assume it's probably over, and work to better yourself for you. It's a win/win. If she comes back, you're better and stronger. If she doesn't, you're healthier than ever and ready for something new. But you MUST convince yourself to work for you, not for her. I know it's hard, but tell yourself anything you need to to make it happen. It's the only way out.

Edited July 24, 2017 by stockyoldfrump

[d0nnivain]

Communicating is the ONLY way to fix what broke you up. NC is about healing.

 

 

Anybody who thinks going NC is a way to win somebody back is misguided. At best that is manipulation but the reality is out of sight out of mind. Not talking, stewing in silence only proves to the OP that they can get along with out you. Plus it lets the hurt & anger fester.

[bawdseyben]

stockoldfrump..... that is some of the best advice I have been given. I feel like I turned a corner tonight where I am starting to see what you said.

 

maybe you can give me some more advice/ thoughts on the following....

 

my general sense of why the relationship broke down was that we went in pretty hard at the beginning, seeing each other most nights, not really giving each other space (as we were wrapped up in the moment), and after a couple of months she was in a little too deep than she was comfortable with (she'd not been long out of a long term relationship, whereas I'd been single for a while), and felt my heart was in it more and because she is leaving the city in 9 months it would cause the least pain to breakup when we did.

 

Of course this is just conjecture on my part, and I'm sure most dumpees say this, but there really is a spark there which gives me hope (maybe false), and the weekend before it ended was amazing in everyway that you would want in a relationship. My hope is that NC will give her that space which we both need after a rollercoaster relationship

[d0nnivain]

She's leaving your city in a few months. If her reasoning for breaking up now is that it will cause the least amount of pain when she has to go, she's telling you that she has no interest in an LDR & she wants to be free when she gets to her new location. No amount of time will change the realities of that distance.

 

 

Make arrangements to return her stuff & get on with your healing process.

[fieldoflavender]

The giving back stuff is a killer. My ex kept going "let's leave it for another day" until I finally drew the line. He was the one who broke things off, so he doesn't get to be "Ready" and leave me not being able to move on. So I gave him a deadline after a month. Some people are more generous, but I think you need to dictate a deadline.

 

To me, giving back stuff doesn't mean that you can't get back with the person. It just gives you space to not have a reason to contact them - or else it's always in the back of your mind. And if you truly want to contact them for a truly legit reason, that's different, no half - "Oh I have to give your stuff back, and oh btw, I miss you blah blah".

 

I won't get back to him because how he handled even that - and maybe that's the way he wants it but it's too bad that's the last memory he wants to leave me with. So just think of what type of last memory you want to leave the person.