Chilli Posted July 25, 2017 Posted July 25, 2017 Many of the qualities you listed are things that most guys just don't care about. You are seeing this from the perspective of a woman, not a man. Men want a pretty girl that we enjoy spending time with, who is also someone we trust. That's about it. When I am looking for a GF, I am not worried about her activity in the community, her education level, or especially not how much she challenges me. I'd take a less attractive girl, who is kind, easy going, and a joy to be around. That's what most guys I know want. Life is challenging enough. I can't speak for everyone, but I don't want a woman to challenge me too. Sounds stressful to me. exactly what l was thinking.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 25, 2017 Posted July 25, 2017 Trying to say this kindly, but you may want to try a little bit of humility. Have you ever been told that you come off as somewhat abrasive? 5
knabe Posted July 25, 2017 Posted July 25, 2017 Its hard to stay positive when youre feeling hurt and unwanted. Im sure a lot of us have had low moments. The thing is, negative vibes can be spotted a mile away. As is the superiority that goes with "the men/women I see just don't cut it for me because I am so intelligent/deep/unique/etc." Those two things are the things that keep 99.9% of people who gripe about their lack of success from HAVING success. Their negativity, their bitter generalization of the opposite sex, and their excuses as to why what works for 95% of the population just won't work for them because they are "special." 2
kendahke Posted July 25, 2017 Posted July 25, 2017 (edited) Ooops... double post Edited July 25, 2017 by kendahke
CptInsano Posted July 25, 2017 Posted July 25, 2017 I am far from the first who has ever posted this lament but I feel as if no one wants me. In that no one wants me as their long term girlfriend / wife. All the guys I have been with in the last end up with a trashy girl or go for someone who is less educated, less successful, less personality, less attractive ( in terms of their looks or body), and less active in their community. In general I think they want someone who will sit at home and take care of them rather than challenge them or be more their equal. And they go for ones with divorces, kids, train wrecks, etc. In the past. I know what all can and will say to this - you will say to keep trying. Someone who goes for these women rather than me does not deserve me, to be sure. But I find myself not even trying anymore with people. I just assume that if I meet someone in any situation that they don't want me. Not really anyway. They just want someone who is less than they are and I am not that to them. I personally think that it is less about men's preferences or perseverance, but your own fears. You wrote in other threads how you are guarded when getting to know somebody, reveal little about yourself, and are afraid to have your trust used against you. I don't think the issue has anything to do with your looks or your education. But it's just a guess based on the little I know. 5
olivetree Posted July 25, 2017 Posted July 25, 2017 It's interesting how most people in this thread have taken "challenging" your partner to be a bad thing, meaning combative/argumentative. I've always took "a partner who challenges you" to mean dating someone who helps you grow into a better person, who doesn't just let you stagnate and stay stuck in your ways or regress. As in, don't date someone who agrees with everything you say and let's you get away with not being the best version of yourself. With this definition, I think you can still have a peaceful relationship with someone who challenges you. 3
elaine567 Posted July 25, 2017 Posted July 25, 2017 It's interesting how most people in this thread have taken "challenging" your partner to be a bad thing, meaning combative/argumentative. I've always took "a partner who challenges you" to mean dating someone who helps you grow into a better person, who doesn't just let you stagnate and stay stuck in your ways or regress. As in, don't date someone who agrees with everything you say and let's you get away with not being the best version of yourself. With this definition, I think you can still have a peaceful relationship with someone who challenges you. I think some men do not want a woman to will challenge him, he wants to be top dog, he doesn't want to get into arguments and fights with a woman who will beat him hands down with her intelligence. He wants a submissive woman doing a menial job as she will not get ideas above her station. It is not that a woman's career is not important, it is that he is deliberately filtering out any woman who has a career that will potentially eclipse his. That is why some men will go looking for pretty waitresses and retail assistants and tell us that it doesn't matter to him what career a woman has... Of course it matters, but not in the way one would suppose...
knabe Posted July 25, 2017 Posted July 25, 2017 It's interesting how most people in this thread have taken "challenging" your partner to be a bad thing, meaning combative/argumentative. I've always took "a partner who challenges you" to mean dating someone who helps you grow into a better person, who doesn't just let you stagnate and stay stuck in your ways or regress. As in, don't date someone who agrees with everything you say and let's you get away with not being the best version of yourself. With this definition, I think you can still have a peaceful relationship with someone who challenges you. Honestly, most of the people I have ever heard use that phrase really mean this: Most people are too stupid and vapid for me Which is a very unattractive type of arrogance. 4
BluEyeL Posted July 25, 2017 Posted July 25, 2017 I'm sorry you have such a hard time. I do think you shouldn't compare yourself with others though but try to become your best self. You don't know those other women well enough to judge them. I'm successful by world standards and I got married after meeting someone online. I ascribe this to improving my people picking skills in time and focusing on character and kindness. I'm not too attractive conventionally since I'm not skinny (size 12 US) and I'm divorced and 45 yo. But these flaws didn't matter indeed. 2
thefooloftheyear Posted July 25, 2017 Posted July 25, 2017 (edited) I think some men do not want a woman to will challenge him, he wants to be top dog, he doesn't want to get into arguments and fights with a woman who will beat him hands down with her intelligence. He wants a submissive woman doing a menial job as she will not get ideas above her station. It is not that a woman's career is not important, it is that he is deliberately filtering out any woman who has a career that will potentially eclipse his. That is why some men will go looking for pretty waitresses and retail assistants and tell us that it doesn't matter to him what career a woman has... Of course it matters, but not in the way one would suppose... Nah.......not true...although many homely higher educated and devoid of any sex appeal women would probably use that logic... The truth (and this coming from a man), is that it's probably better to have a better looking woman with a great body, than one that can debug your computer or has a perfect command of the English language...Its ideal to have it all(), but if they have to choose, they'll usually go for the better looking one with the better body...even if they have to take a second job to make ends meet..May not make sense to a lot of women, but that's what the deal is, usually... TFY Edited July 25, 2017 by thefooloftheyear
JuneL Posted July 25, 2017 Posted July 25, 2017 (edited) I think different guys have different tastes. I know personally guys who have only dated "successful" women (by the conventional standards, e.g., Ivy league Ph.D.'s). I also personally know some who would only date very pretty and submissive women. Just be the best version of who you are and pick the guy you're compatible with. Edited July 25, 2017 by JuneL
kendahke Posted July 25, 2017 Posted July 25, 2017 "a partner who challenges you" to mean dating someone who helps you grow into a better person, who doesn't just let you stagnate and stay stuck in your ways or regress. aka= someone who nags 2
coolheadal Posted July 25, 2017 Posted July 25, 2017 (edited) I am far from the first who has ever posted this lament but I feel as if no one wants me. In that no one wants me as their long term girlfriend / wife. All the guys I have been with in the last end up with a trashy girl or go for someone who is less educated, less successful, less personality, less attractive ( in terms of their looks or body), and less active in their community. In general I think they want someone who will sit at home and take care of them rather than challenge them or be more their equal. And they go for ones with divorces, kids, train wrecks, etc. In the past. I know what all can and will say to this - you will say to keep trying. Someone who goes for these women rather than me does not deserve me, to be sure. But I find myself not even trying anymore with people. I just assume that if I meet someone in any situation that they don't want me. Not really anyway. They just want someone who is less than they are and I am not that to them. Your too far from me though.. I feel sorry for what you are going through. I feel like this myself but I have hope that things will change. You have to do what you think is best for yourself. All these guys are going to go after what they want because that's the life style the only know of. I have the same issue with these women here. I get tired of same BS, crap and lies and moods swings. I wish everything was simple but it's not we have to do what we have to do and if we can't do it then, don't settle for less. Your smart so true that I am that way there are others who don't think with their mind but do things that might work. You can live a life without love but can you live a life without someone to hold, share, give yourself too. That's the hardest part of this all. Wake-up it's just you.. You might have some pets to keep you company but they can't replace what you hold dear. I will not get pets again, I lost my dog and he was my best friend he was always there for me. Sad when he passed 2 days after my birthday in 2015. I had him for 9 years since he was 8 weeks old. Dug a large hole and place him and his toys in that hole with him Not same without him. Same the cats I had too. We all need someone to share our love and life with but not easy today.. The choices are few or they're just not in the same State.. I can hop on plane through my company dirt cheap but where I would end up to find love is the question of the day. You hare in the same boat, but is that where you want to be. Try other states, just don't settle for those nearby you. They're not worth you days or life or values.. Edited July 25, 2017 by coolheadal
Woggle Posted July 25, 2017 Posted July 25, 2017 I think some men do not want a woman to will challenge him, he wants to be top dog, he doesn't want to get into arguments and fights with a woman who will beat him hands down with her intelligence. He wants a submissive woman doing a menial job as she will not get ideas above her station. It is not that a woman's career is not important, it is that he is deliberately filtering out any woman who has a career that will potentially eclipse his. That is why some men will go looking for pretty waitresses and retail assistants and tell us that it doesn't matter to him what career a woman has... Of course it matters, but not in the way one would suppose... If this is the case then why do educated and successful women do better marry more often and divorce much less? It seems that men for the most part want women who are smart and do well. What a lot of guys don't want are women who hide their personality flaws behind the strong woman who challenges her man thing. I am not in anyway saying this applies to the OP but when we hear men don't like women who challenge them we know what those are often code words for. Your version of challenge is a good thing but often what it really is is being with somebody who makes you walk on eggshells constantly and tries to change who you are only to leave you for somebody else after they break you. That kind of challenge I do not want. There are certain fundamental things any man with a brain looks for in a woman and if a woman doesn't have them it doesn't matter what her career is, her social status, or how many degrees she has. These are good things but without those fundamentals it's like a house with great decorations but no foundation. I am sure women have there things that men must have and no good on paper traits can ever make up for their absence. 3
Miss Spider Posted July 25, 2017 Posted July 25, 2017 (edited) If this is the case then why do educated and successful women do better marry more often and divorce much less? It seems that men for the most part want women who are smart and do well. What a lot of guys don't want are women who hide their personality flaws behind the strong woman who challenges her man thing. I am not in anyway saying this applies to the OP but when we hear men don't like women who challenge them we know what those are often code words for. Your version of challenge is a good thing but often what it really is is being with somebody who makes you walk on eggshells constantly and tries to change who you are only to leave you for somebody else after they break you. That kind of challenge I do not want. There are certain fundamental things any man with a brain looks for in a woman and if a woman doesn't have them it doesn't matter what her career is, her social status, or how many degrees she has. These are good things but without those fundamentals it's like a house with great decorations but no foundation. I am sure women have there things that men must have and no good on paper traits can ever make up for their absence. There's actually a statistic where if the woman makes more money than the man, the man is 5 times more likely to cheat than if they make equal or he makes a bit more. Now I know stats like that should often be taken with a grain of salt, but I really believe many men do feel a little uneasy when a woman is vastly more successful than them. They base a lot of their value and masculinity on providing. Add to that many successful women are or are believed to be more demanding of what they expect from a partner than a woman who relies largely on a man's income. Not saying most men want a woman who sits at home eating bon bons all day. I think ideally they want a successful, educated woman who is just a little less successful and educated than them. But that is MUCH less important to them then other attributes - looks, good 'heart', confidence, lifestyle compatibility, social status, list goes on. A woman's success is way down on the list of what men care about. Basically, I think a woman's success isn't that important to the average man, Unless she is not carrying her weight or her success greatly outweighs his own. Edited July 25, 2017 by Cookiesandough 2
neowulf Posted July 26, 2017 Posted July 26, 2017 I know what all can and will say to this - you will say to keep trying. Someone who goes for these women rather than me does not deserve me, to be sure. But I find myself not even trying anymore with people. I just assume that if I meet someone in any situation that they don't want me. Not really anyway. They just want someone who is less than they are and I am not that to them. Many of us have been were you are. For what it's worth, I've always sought out equals. Women with strong minds and opinions. Women who make me grow as a person. I've never looked to a woman for my care. Men like me are out there. It's a big world. You're having a down day. Everyone has those. It's ok to be frustrated and sad. Don't give up!
Woggle Posted July 26, 2017 Posted July 26, 2017 When a woman earns more both men and women sometimes have a hard time dealing with it. There are some men who do start to feel threatened but there are also some women who start looking at their men as beneath them and feel that they have outgrown them. They start to feel that they settled for their husband and he isn't being the man they think he should be. There are women who refuse to date a man who earns less than them. This is a much more complex issue than men being sexists who don't want women to outshine them. 1
I AM HERE Posted July 26, 2017 Posted July 26, 2017 Sounds like you are a great catch and should be grateful that something about you is running off the wrong guy. Love happens when you least expect it, so quit assuming that nobody wants you and be grateful that the wrong guys don't want you. The right guy is looking for you. 1
Blanco Posted July 26, 2017 Posted July 26, 2017 (edited) Re: having a partner who "challenges" you. I've had both the good and bad version of this. One girlfriend I had was incredibly driven in pretty much anything she did: School, work, sports, community involvement. By simply spending a lot of time with her, I found myself being more motivated. I would say she challenged me in so much as I felt like I had to step up my game to match her own ambitious nature. But she was also a kind, supportive person. She didn't nag, nor try to change me. I didn't feel pressured to be better; I simply just got better because of her. To me, that's the sort of challenging from a partner that has made subsequent relationships feel a bit inferior. On the other end of the spectrum, I had a girlfriend who also challenged me. While I did become more informed about some critical things, her approach was much more of the "You aren't meeting my high standards" variety. As things progressed, it felt like pretty much nothing I was doing was much more than passable, and it was absurdly easy to disappoint her. That's the sort of challenging that I won't accept again in a relationship, even if their angle is that they're "just trying to help." Life is stressful enough without having the person who should be your closest ally perpetually planting the idea in your head that you do so many things the wrong way. Edited July 26, 2017 by Blanco
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