Gary335 Posted July 24, 2017 Posted July 24, 2017 So I've been dating this really great girl for nearly 2 months. We are exclusive at this point, and have told one another that we love one another. All is great, except for one small issue. The guy she was with before me is someone she's been friends with for years, and 2 years ago they decided to try and take it to the next level. It didn't work, she tells me he was boring, not too bright, and too much of a momma's boy. But because they had been friends for so long prior, she allows him to remain in her life. He still texts her at least once or twice a week, and today for the first time randomly decided to drop by her work to see her. And one of the things he wanted to talk about was me. He wanted to know what I do for a living and things like that. I've already told my girlfirned that it isn't his business. This stuff would not be happening had he not been a long time friend prior to the relationship. This really makes things hard for me. I don't want to be a jerk about things, but at the same time I think there should be boundaries. What's acceptable in a situation like this, and what isn't? I don't want to tell her to cut him out all together, but at the same time I feel she allows him to do things that any other random ex would not be allowed to do. Any advice would be deeply appreciated!
knabe Posted July 24, 2017 Posted July 24, 2017 I think the onus is on her to clear this up. If he asks about you, her answers should be that you are awesome, thanks for asking, and have a nice day. If he says hi via text every once in awhile, that may not be a big deal. But he's an ex. You DON'T talk to the ex about your new boyfriend. Period. 1
smackie9 Posted July 24, 2017 Posted July 24, 2017 TBH she shouldn't be telling anyone intimate details about your relationship, period. Nothing wrong with "hey how are things going?" and talk about random stuff for a few mins but that should be extent of their conversations. If this guy is going to be a part of her life maybe down the road when the honeymoon stage is done, you can invite him over with some friends for a bbq and let him be a part of your social circle. 1
Author Gary335 Posted July 26, 2017 Author Posted July 26, 2017 I don't know how I feel about befriending the ex. I feel like he has no business anywhere near me or our relationship. I don't bring my exes anywhere near. I prefer for the past to be just that, the past. He texted her today just to tell her he had a flat tire. Why? She doesn't care, and can't do anything about it. Text someone who does and can! If I have a flat tire an ex is the last person I'm thinking about. To her credit, she tells me everything, which is good, at least she's not hiding it when he contacts her. And I do believe her when she says she can't stand him and would not ever go back to him. I just feel like he's beginning to become a bit intrusive, and I'm afraid it will only get worse if she doesn't nip it in the bud. And she doesn't seem apt to do that on account of the fact that they've been friends for so long and she wants to maintain the friendship.
I AM HERE Posted July 26, 2017 Posted July 26, 2017 I'm with you, ex's (without children) need to stay in the past but this is such an awkward situation, since they were friends first. Clearly he is hoping they will eventually get back together, but if I were you, I would let him eventually ruin it for himself.
Author Gary335 Posted September 15, 2017 Author Posted September 15, 2017 I hate bumping an old thread, but I'm still having issues with the ex. He texted her earlier in the week to ask if he could stop by to visit her at her home since he was in her area. She told him no because she and I were working (I own a business and we now work together)and she was not home. He sent a couple more texts she didn't reply to, then caught an attitude and said he thought she worked from home and demanded an explanation for why she was not there. Which again she ignored. I'm really torn on what to do. I'm really bothered by the disrespect he showed her, and also by his continued efforts to pry into our business. I did ask her again today to not tell him anything about any part of our relationship, as I feel it's not his business. But is there a point where I can step in and tell him to back off? Or would that be overstepping on my part? She and I love each other deeply and we have a very satisfying and rewarding relationship. I'd hate to cause friction between us by saying anything, yet I feel I may be justified. I should also say that I truly don't feel he poses a threat to our relationship, he's just a pain in the neck. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
darkmoon Posted September 15, 2017 Posted September 15, 2017 he might never go away, and you are colluding in this
doyathinkso Posted September 15, 2017 Posted September 15, 2017 If he is such a royal pain in the rear end could you explain to us just why he is not blocked off from communicating by phone and/or social media? Just block him. Or does she really like the attention? If so, then HE is not the problem.
lurker74 Posted September 15, 2017 Posted September 15, 2017 I hate bumping an old thread, but I'm still having issues with the ex. He texted her earlier in the week to ask if he could stop by to visit her at her home since he was in her area. She told him no because she and I were working (I own a business and we now work together)and she was not home. He sent a couple more texts she didn't reply to, then caught an attitude and said he thought she worked from home and demanded an explanation for why she was not there. Which again she ignored. I'm really torn on what to do. I'm really bothered by the disrespect he showed her, and also by his continued efforts to pry into our business. I did ask her again today to not tell him anything about any part of our relationship, as I feel it's not his business. But is there a point where I can step in and tell him to back off? Or would that be overstepping on my part? She and I love each other deeply and we have a very satisfying and rewarding relationship. I'd hate to cause friction between us by saying anything, yet I feel I may be justified. I should also say that I truly don't feel he poses a threat to our relationship, he's just a pain in the neck. Any advice would be greatly appreciated! I would not talk to him if I were you unless it strays into the physical safety side of things. If that were the case, I don't know...I might get an RO. In any case, this is her problem to solve, not yours. Personally, I don't care too much about exes because it doesn't necessarily affect me. If I think that the ex is a problem, I usually have a problem with the woman first. But you're different and that's OK. If you love one another and for some reason the ex being around is a problem for you, it should be a problem for her. She should be able to tell him to leave her alone and that she no longer wants the contact, or at the very least tell him that if he doesn't straighten up and recognize that they do not have that kind of relationship, she will cut him out of her life entirely. tl;dr - It's up to her to handle it and if she respects you like it sounds she does, she will do so.
PegNosePete Posted September 15, 2017 Posted September 15, 2017 is there a point where I can step in and tell him to back off? Yes, there absolutely is a point where you should step in. And that point comes, when your gf asks you to step in. Before she does that, it is all up to HER. It seems that you consider him a pain in the backside but what does she think? Does she mind him contacting her? Does she want to remain friends with him? Does she find him annoying and disrespectful? If you feel she is allowing herself to be disrespected and encourages his behaviour, then as noted above, HE is not your problem! 1
Mike B. Posted September 15, 2017 Posted September 15, 2017 You have your thoughts focused on the wrong person. You should be able to hang back and watch your woman handle this situation appropriately. If you do not find she is handling the situation appropriately then you have some decisions to make but I can only think of very rare situations in which you would have to personally deal with someone' ex.
Redhead14 Posted September 15, 2017 Posted September 15, 2017 So I've been dating this really great girl for nearly 2 months. We are exclusive at this point, and have told one another that we love one another. All is great, except for one small issue. The guy she was with before me is someone she's been friends with for years, and 2 years ago they decided to try and take it to the next level. It didn't work, she tells me he was boring, not too bright, and too much of a momma's boy. But because they had been friends for so long prior, she allows him to remain in her life. He still texts her at least once or twice a week, and today for the first time randomly decided to drop by her work to see her. And one of the things he wanted to talk about was me. He wanted to know what I do for a living and things like that. I've already told my girlfirned that it isn't his business. This stuff would not be happening had he not been a long time friend prior to the relationship. This really makes things hard for me. I don't want to be a jerk about things, but at the same time I think there should be boundaries. What's acceptable in a situation like this, and what isn't? I don't want to tell her to cut him out all together, but at the same time I feel she allows him to do things that any other random ex would not be allowed to do. Any advice would be deeply appreciated! You tell her that you are uncomfortable about her sharing information about YOU and your relationship with her with him. Then you sit back and observe whether she takes steps to respect your position about all this. If she doesn't, you end your relationship with her. It's that simple. I think there should be boundaries. -- YOU get to decide what your boundaries are and you need to be clear/upfront about them with her. You don't offer an ultimatum or anything like that. You just state your case, so to speak, and observe. You set a mental time limit for yourself for the period of observation (give her a chance to demonstrate that she's hearing and respecting you). The period of time is up to you but I wouldn't allow it go for more than a month or two tops. You can't tell her what to do but you can tell her what you are or aren't willing to tolerate and set up your boundaries. If she crosses them for him, then I think the message is that he's her priority and so be it. Hasta la vista, babeee. 1
Poutrew Posted September 15, 2017 Posted September 15, 2017 Your problem isn't with the ex. It's with your girlfriend. She may have broken up with him, but he didn't break up with her. He still treats her like his girlfriend. The troubling aspect about this is that your girlfriend KNOWS this and is doing nothing to eliminate the problem. That is because she likes it. She is getting her ego fed both by her ex, and by how it bothers you. The GF is playing both sides of the fence and getting her ego fed in the process. This puts you in a very delicate position. You think you have an amazing relationship with this girl, but it is obvious that, in spite of the words she may be saying to you, or the sex, that she doesn't feel the same way about you... she doesn't respect you because she is not fearful of loosing you over this. Is she right? IF so, be prepared for the day when the GF tells you that the ex came over last night and they spent a few hours watching TV... if it were me, I would be telling GF it is time to curb this mans enthusiasm, or you will be seeking out old girlfriends of your own for comfort - the same way she's doing. Ultimately, to preserve your own male ego and not feel like a low class beta, you may have to walk away from this situation. Sorry for the bad news... 1
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