flowers_90 Posted July 24, 2017 Posted July 24, 2017 Hello, I've been dating a man for 8 month now. the first 5 months i was head over heels for him. (still am). however, he liked to party 4xs out of the week and drink enough to feel a buzz he would spend most of his money on parties weed and drinks. i mentioned to him i didnt. like him but never asked him to stop. he would go out and lie how what he would get home and deny certain woman would be there because he assumed id get upset. he already has female friend i know about and never nag about it. well the last 3 months hes been trying i give him credit he stopped the party and the drinking/smoking stage, has been using his money wisely (i helped with a side business he is doing now). He thanked me a few times for these changes but my insecurities took over and i would make him feel less of a man. telling him he will eventually go back to his old ways or he wasn't what i was looking for, talking out of my a$$, my fear that he would still party and be tempted cuz ALL his friends like that lifestyle and they are all like brothers. well Friday evening he told me he needed a break. to think things through cuz ive hurt him. (which i have) and i feel terrible for not accepting the changes and living in the past. i send him 1 text on Saturday apologizing, gave him 1 phone call on Sunday and today Monday i figured i should just let it go and accept he has left me for good?
stockyoldfrump Posted July 24, 2017 Posted July 24, 2017 It's only been three days. I don't think you have to accept that he's left you for good because he's been distant for three days. He told you that he needed a break, so his behavior should be viewed through the lens of that request. It's consistent with what he told you and, until he specifies that it's something more or acts in a way that's inconsistent with what he said, you should assume that he's doing exactly what he said he was going to do. This could obviously turn into him deciding to leave entirely, but only time will tell. I have had experiences where partners took breaks of weeks and then eventually came back when they were ready. That was in a largely unhealthy relationship, though, so... A better question for you to consider right now is whether or not you want someone in your life who will disappear on you when they're hurt, angry, or confused rather than working through those problems with you. Everyone has a right to space and should be given it if they ask. But ultimately, problems in a relationship need to be solved collaboratively by the people IN the relationship. A short cooling off/reflection period is fine and reasonable, but ultimately this issue needs to be explicitly worked through again collectively or you will never move past it. One of the absolutely biggest hurdles to communication is when one partner deals with issues or problems by retreating to their corner and tries to fix the problem independently, either by themselves or with friends. At first, they are probably trying to suppress problems and will come back as though nothing is wrong. As the relationship progresses, however, this behavior will allow them to be unfairly critical of you. They, aware of the compounding issues which they have never attempted to solve healthily, will begin to note the recurrence of their pain and wonder if it's not better to end it. Any friends they might be sharing their experiences with will begin to notice the number of problems and may begin encouraging your partner to end it. The thing is - many problems wouldn't need to be taken to friends or contemplated so extensively in private if they were being worked through within the relationship. Just something to think about. Whether you asked for it or not, you're also getting some space here. Use that time to analyze how your partner is reacting to criticism and the nature of communication in your relationship. My strongest advice is: do not ever let yourself be excluded from the analysis of your own relationship. He deserves time to think and he has friends to consult, but at the end of the day you need to be one of two voices at the table in all serious discussions. My other advice is this: do NOT accept it if he comes back and does not want to discuss this further. You might feel so relieved that he's back that you'll want to slip into believing everything is okay. But you need to have a conversation about this and to not do so will absolutely come back to bite you later. If you do want him back, my advice would be to give him space to a point. A week is reasonable before contacting him again. When you do contact him, make it short and affirming. Something to the effect of "I know you're hurting, but I want you to know I'm still here and still care about us. I'm prepared to work on this when you're ready." Don't beg and don't accept blame you don't deserve, but be kind, welcoming, and acknowledging of his feelings. After a few weeks, I'd say it's okay to be a bit more assertive in needing to know what he's thinking, but again, I would be conscious that any coldness might push him to call things off. That might happen anyway, but your goal - if you do want him back - should be to get a real conversation with him so that your voice can be heard, his needs can be understood, and any decision that is ultimately made is one you understand and feels fully explored.
BluesPower Posted July 24, 2017 Posted July 24, 2017 Yeah it is only 3 days...But... It's like this. If you are in an R and you have an adult talk and say: "Hey I don't mind having an drink and partying some, maybe a couple of night a week. But it is a problem when you spend money you don't have drinking and partying all the time. And I would like to spend more time alone with you and maybe have more sex, who knows?" So when you bring it up rationally in a calm way, the other person can accept it and make changes if they want to, or not. Then you have a decision to make. I don't know how old you guys are, but that makes a difference. Then there is this. I have gotten this some myself. Women are attracted to me because I am a moderately popular musician. I don't play as much as I used to, but I sit in a lot at jams and what not. And I drinks a bit. So what happens is I get with some of them is they want me to be more domesticated and stop partying as much. I can do that for a while, OK. But don't get with a guy and then try to change him too much. We resent the hell out of it. I mean you liked us fine until you wanted to get serious and now that same lifestyle is a problem. Its just really is not cool... 1
basil67 Posted July 24, 2017 Posted July 24, 2017 telling him he will eventually go back to his old ways or he wasn't what i was looking for, talking out of my a$$, my fear that he would still party and be tempted cuz ALL his friends like that lifestyle and they are all like brothers. Turn it around for a moment. If you had made substantial positive changes in your life and your boyfriend started saying stuff like this to you and undermining your progress, wouldn't you walk away from him?
d0nnivain Posted July 24, 2017 Posted July 24, 2017 You were unhappy when he was drinking & partying & acting irresponsibly. he turned his life around & you still raged on him. Personally in your shoes I would not have continued because of the weed & the lying about who else was at particular events. If it was all above board there was no reason to lie. Now he's gone quiet & you're panicking but in his shoes I'd walk away from you too. No matter what he does, you're still upset. It's like he can't win, especially when it has more to do with your insecurities then his present behavior.
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