Joan621 Posted July 22, 2017 Posted July 22, 2017 I posted here recently about being torn about ending my 14 year relationship. I recently made the decision a couple of weeks ago to end it. I had been living outside the house for six weeks and he didn't put up a fight, probably because he saw the writing on the wall. I felt like a huge weight was lifted and was feeling confident I made the right decision. We agreed to sell our house and so far that stuff has been amicable, although when we have spoken it is clear he is emotionally in a very bad space. I have been letting him live in my house while staying at my parents and I continue to pay for the mortgage and utilities and have increased my commute to work by an hour and ten minutes (so I have added fuel expenses and mileage issues with a leased car). We agreed I could move back in by the end of August when it is listed (because of my situation) and he would have to get his own place before then. We spoke a week ago about some house logistics and it was so hard to hear how choked up he was about the whole thing. Then he proposed WE would save money if I let him stay in the house until it sold. I was dumbfounded given I am covering the expenses and have taken on more with my commute, and he has not kept the house clean at all since I left. Yet I actually felt bad when he proposed it! I stood my ground though and said no, hung up and felt crazy that I felt bad at all. Recently though, over the last couple of days, I have been talking a lot with a mutual friend who has been very supportive of both of us through all of this. He is coming on a summer vacation that the three of us were supposed to take with my family - but now clearly my ex-partner is not coming. I started feeling guilty all of a sudden for talking to this person so much because the ex believes he may harbor feelings for me that he has kept hidden out of respect for both of us (he has said this for years). I always recognized this person as a giving, thoughtful person - total opposite from what I have had for so many years - and now I am suddenly looking forward to this trip and started to feel really guilty for it...which has had the odd effect of leaving me wondering if I made a mistake ending my relationship! I can't conceive of why this is as nothing inappropriate ever occurred, and now I am technically single and can do and feel how I want. I fell into this total slump thinking about it and now don't want to talk to anyone, particularly men, and for the first time am feeling like a complete failure for how the relationship ended. Anyone experience anything like this? I contemplated if it was guilt over it being too soon to see someone in a different, potentially romantic light - but I have been in therapy and working on this decision for over seven months. I contemplated if it was just guilt because it's a friend. But why should that make me feel like I made a mistake with the breakup? I don't know. It's strange and I would appreciate some thoughts from people who may have insight. I can say with 95% certainty that this is the only time since the breakup that I have felt second thoughts. I really otherwise felt like I made the right decision - even others have observed how much better I look and seem.
Chilli Posted July 23, 2017 Posted July 23, 2017 Think you gotta have an honest talk with yourself about why you needed to end it. 14yrs , that's serious ,almost as big as ending a marriage so you gotta know you want in or out for all the right big reasons or is it just a low that all serious relationships and marriages go through but could bounce back later and get through it. Good luck anyway
marky00 Posted July 23, 2017 Posted July 23, 2017 In the first few weeks after a BU, dumpers tend to temporarily enjoy that sense of relief that they have come clean with their feelings. They also tend to just totally focus on themselves as a way of protecting themselves from inevitable emotions (guilt etc). Some dumpers (Narcs for example) can hold that phase for a very long time (possibly forever). Most dumpers however are forced to finally look at the whole situation from both sides. The truth is your always going to feel different about your decision. It's not like your going to live every minute of your life saying "that was definitely the right decision". The uncertainty of your decision is definitely enough to end the relationship but that uncertainty tends to remain (to some extent) well after it ends. Your also feeling this way because your starting to empathise, as in your imaging yourself in his shoes. Definitely makes it harder when there was no abuse or cheating involved. Which sounds to be the case here.
Superchicken Posted July 23, 2017 Posted July 23, 2017 Hi Joan, Use the separation as a test. Get him, to stay at another place, and restart over if you feel that you may have made a mistake. Go over your life again, but this time, look at what he does, as you do to him, as an experience NOT to redo the bad things over again. I'm sure that he will want to try it again, and from a separate environment. It will give you both time to dwell on things, rather than be in each others face every night arguing. Go out for dinner, movies, and go home separate, but of course, you may want to spend a little more time on certain nights... Its not over till the ink dries. However, if you decide not to proceed, then you already have your life half started, as does he. Good luck. Ted.
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