Newtoallofthis Posted July 22, 2017 Posted July 22, 2017 (edited) Hi I'm 35, female and separated. On good terms with H, living separately but in no rush to D as here in UK we need to be separated for 2 years to have a no fault divorce. I initially moved out a year ago, the next few months were back and forth with us trying to see if we could fix things but unfortunately we couldn't, despite having MC too. Although we've only been officially separated a few months, I do feel ready to start seeing people casually, due to our relationship not having been good and deteriorating (and in truth probably over) for some years. Also conscious of my age, not 100% sure I want children but realise time isn't on my side if I decide I do. I logged onto OLD a month ago out of curiosity and 2 guys who messaged me caught my attention. Guy 1 lives a couple of hours from me, works in a similar field, is going through the same thing marriage wise and seems to share a similar outlook on life. Guy 2 lives in the same town as me and is quite different to me but seems a nice guy. He is ideally looking for a serious relationship. I chatted to guy 1 for a couple of weeks, daily, we just seemed to be on same wave length and we were keen to meet up. He travelled down and we met in a central town and he stayed in a hotel. We had a really great date...conversation flowed easily, we laughed, drank some wine, when the bar shut we moved on to a cocktail bar. We stayed out til the early hours and I did end up staying in his hotel (no sex, just kissing etc). That was 2 weeks ago and we've been in nearly daily contact since. We both agreed we had a great night, click with each other and want to see each other again but as we are both recently separated we want to take things slowly with no pressure and just see where it goes. Also the distance is a factor. We have made plans to meet up again next weekend. At the same time I was chatting to guy 2. I hadn't met him before my date with guy 1 although we had made loose plans to. After the date with guy 1 I told guy 2 sorry, nice chatting to you but i wasnt looking for anything serious so didn't think it was fair to meet up knowing he was. He was disappointed but asked if we could still meet up as friends as we live in the same town. I went for a drink with guy 2 and we got on much better than expected. We had a kiss at the end of the night. We've had the chat where I have explained I'm not ready for the sort of relationship he wants and he said he is happy just to hang out with me with no expectations. As he is local we have met up a couple of times since and it's been nice. The conversation is good but I can't see anything long term with him, despite us getting on well. Is it ok to 'see' both these guys at the same time? I'm not going to sleep with either of them, just 'date' but this feels like a whole new world. I'm used to monogamous relationships and seeing 2 guys at once seems odd? Guy 1 and I will only be able to see each other every few weeks if it continues to go well, due to the distance. However that would suit us at present. Guy 2 is local and we are enjoying each other's company. I haven't told guy 2 explicitly about guy 1 although we have had the chat that we are both open to see other people as we are only casually seeing/dating each other. But if I know that I don't see a long term future with guy 2 should I just stop spending time with him? Sorry if this post is naive. I've only ever been in long term relationships and this dating world is new to me! I don't want to hurt anyone but also want to keep my options open as I'm definitely not in a relationship with either guy. Thanks Edited July 22, 2017 by Newtoallofthis
salparadise Posted July 22, 2017 Posted July 22, 2017 Is it ok to 'see' both these guys at the same time? I'm not going to sleep with either of them, just 'date' but this feels like a whole new world. I'm used to monogamous relationships and seeing 2 guys at once seems odd? I haven't told guy 2 explicitly about guy 1 although we have had the chat that we are both open to see other people as we are only casually seeing/dating each other. But if I know that I don't see a long term future with guy 2 should I just stop spending time with him? Sorry if this post is naive. I've only ever been in long term relationships and this dating world is new to me! I don't want to hurt anyone but also want to keep my options open as I'm definitely not in a relationship with either guy. There's nothing ethically wrong with seeing two guys given that you aren't in a relationship, and you aren't obliged to disclose it since exclusivity is not even implied, but... if it feels weird now it's just going to get weirder as the situation becomes more entangled. You're enjoying the attention, but you aren't ready to date. And this notion about dating two guys and not ever sleeping with either of them, but spending the nights in hotels, kissing and making out and calling it friends.... sweetie, you are not dealing in reality here. The best thing for you would be to not date until you're actually ready, but that's not going to happen, so, here's what I think is more realistic... keep dating both guys until you know which one you want to start phukking, or until it just happens in the course of heavy petting in hotel rooms. Then let the other one go because non-monogamy/multi-dating are not within your capacity and do still feel congruent about it all. I think it's sweet, but totally delusional, that you actually believe you aren't interested in sex, but are talking about long-term interest. You need to get real about a) not being ready because you're too fresh, b) it's not sexual and not going to be, c) that there's anything long-term about either of these guys. You're fresh, raw, and as you say, pretty naive. If you want your next relationship to be healthy then take a year or two off to equilibrate after the divorce. But if you're determined to get entangled asap, acknowledge it as sexual/emotional gratification to fill a void and go with either the one who seems most stable and reliable, or the one who make you wet. Your choice. 1
elaine567 Posted July 22, 2017 Posted July 22, 2017 You need to tell both that you are multi-dating as depending where you live multi dating is not yet seen as the "norm" on the UK. I also think that whilst men in general seem to have no problem with dating multiple women, they still tend to assume that any "decent" woman is only dating them alone, and are often none too happy to learn that is NOT the case. Whilst you have given them both the heads up as in you are not looking for a relationship, that doesn't exactly mean you are multi-dating, so perhaps you need to clarify the situation to avoid misunderstandings, so that all are on the same page. I also think many people when faced with the "I am not looking for a relationship" statement and if they are enamoured, can convince themselves that it is only a matter of time and that it is worth hanging on in there and get very hurt when they realise it is just not going to be... I would thus be wary of letting #2 in too deep. 1
central Posted July 22, 2017 Posted July 22, 2017 Multidating is normal, and a good idea, IMO. However, I think you should clarify to all you're dating (after two or three dates, IF you want to continue seeing that person), that you are casually dating others until you find someone where you both want to be - and are ready to be - exclusive. 1
smackie9 Posted July 22, 2017 Posted July 22, 2017 If it were me, I would have a NSA with guy #2 since he is more convenient and not hard on the eyes. I'm sure he would be OK with that as long as you both agree to keep dating others. 1
Author Newtoallofthis Posted July 23, 2017 Author Posted July 23, 2017 Thanks all. Just to clarify re the sex thing. What I meant about that is that whilst I'm happy to casually date two guys at a time, it's not within my realms of comfort to be sleeping with 2 guys. So if/when things develop with either in that respect, that would change the dynamics of the situation. If that happened I would end the dating with the other guy. Although I've only been seperared for a few months, I do feel quite detached from the marriage as we have not been in what I would consider a loving relationship for some years. I do agree that perhaps ideally it would be good to spend some time on my own, but time is not on my side. Thanks again for the comments, great to get advice on this whole new world to me!
elaine567 Posted July 23, 2017 Posted July 23, 2017 Although I've only been seperared for a few months, I do feel quite detached from the marriage as we have not been in what I would consider a loving relationship for some years. I do agree that perhaps ideally it would be good to spend some time on my own, but time is not on my side. This is what will make you extremely vulnerable and prey to toxic individuals. Be careful. 1
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