I broke up a great relationship, now regret it

[JamesWard]

Hi,

 

3 weeks ago I broke up with ex girlfriend of 8 months. For the most part all had gone smoothly, we had simmilar values, outlook on life, we were quite happy. We had a 7 years age difference. I am in my mid 30s, she is in her late 20s.

 

Background:

- It was her first serious relationship (first formal boyfriend)

- I broke up with my ex once after 2 months, felt she wasnt committed enough but then realized she was taking things slower because it was her first relationship

- Never had any major fights, disagreements

- Spent almost all weekends together, made weekend trips and had trips planned for up coming our birthdays (both birthdays have passed since we broke up)

 

- She was applying for jobs abroad, in countries where I couldnt work at (visa, language barriers, etc).

- I had an offer to work in another country, she looked for jobs there but couldnt find one suitable for her (all these happened in the span of the 2 weeks previous to our breakup)

- The day I broke up with her I told her that I didnt take the offer to work abroad so i could be with her.

- I would be willing to go with her anywhere where I could also work, she argued she might not leave at all and that i was worrying about something which may never happen

- I still broke up with her, it was a decision taken - at the time I thought it was better to call it off than break up afterwards when I became even more attached (although she might never leave)

- I regret not talking things through with her that night, she cried and became very angry with me

 

Present:

- After no contact with her for 3 weeks after break up, I messaged her saying that something reminded me of her and that I hoped she was doing great. I attached a new preview of a movie she was anxiously waiting to come out

- She replied that she didnt know what to say to me

- I told her i wasnt looking for a particular answer, that I remembered her and wanted to know how she was.

- She replied "I am fine, please dont write to me again"

 

I feel she is still hurting from our break up. She wasnt rude to me at all. I know she needs time.

 

I miss her, we had a great relationship. Its hard knowing I broke up eventhough nothing bad happened between us

 

I would like to be back with her, I honestly would be willing to go anywhere in the world with her, as long as both of us can find appropiate jobs.

 

Not sure what the next steps should be..

 

-I know I should wait at least 2 more weeks before contacting her, after all she very politely asked for me not to contact her. Although we were never friends in social media, she didnt block me from the social network I used to message her

-I would like to send her a letter, something she once did for me. Say that I respect and understand her decision for me not to contact her and if thats her wish I will not do it again.

- I want to tell her that I am sorry if I hurt her, that she and our relationship meant a lot to me and that I would like to have the opportunity to stay in touch with her or invite her for breakfast, as I dont want that night to be the last time we see each other.

- I dont want to overwhelm her in the letter or revisit too much our previous relationship. Would like to leave a door open for her to agree to meet up / be in contact again and then see what happens

- If she doesnt reply or asks me again not to contact her I will not do it again.

 

Would truely appreciate any advice?

- Should I let her be and move on?

- Contact her again and how?

 

Thank you

 

James

[springy]

"She replied "I am fine, please dont write to me again"

 

Unless she reaches out to you, honor her wishes. It is a simple, straightforward request. The relationship was not all that great if you dumped her twice in 8 months. Now she's pissed and doesn't want to hear from you. Contacting her after she asked you not do is only showing her that you don't care about what she wants. It's not all about you. Please respect her wishes.

[Brooklyn.]

By the looks of things she is just upset, you hurt her by leaving so in my eyes I feel you should reach out again show your really making the effort with her as I think that's what's needed here.

 

From her point of view also the reason her text came back saying don't contact me again would be because she thinks oh all he wants to do is check I'm ok not ask for me back well of course she isn't ok... If that makes sense ? But if she understands that your thinking of giving things another go I think you would get a different reaction from her.

 

I'd think of sending a letter and flowers possibly saying I'm sorry and I miss you and would love to meet for breakfast, set up a date say meet at so and so for w certain time and if you don't show I understand you don't want to try again please take care.

 

If this was me and I was the girl than that would make me happy and want to give it another go.

 

Good luck

[Zolatola]

By the looks of things she is just upset, you hurt her by leaving so in my eyes I feel you should reach out again show your really making the effort with her as I think that's what's needed here.

 

From her point of view also the reason her text came back saying don't contact me again would be because she thinks oh all he wants to do is check I'm ok not ask for me back well of course she isn't ok... If that makes sense ? But if she understands that your thinking of giving things another go I think you would get a different reaction from her.

 

I'd think of sending a letter and flowers possibly saying I'm sorry and I miss you and would love to meet for breakfast, set up a date say meet at so and so for w certain time and if you don't show I understand you don't want to try again please take care.

 

If this was me and I was the girl than that would make me happy and want to give it another go.

 

Good luck

 

No, he should respect her wishes. She asked him not to write to her again.

[Brooklyn.]

No, he should respect her wishes. She asked him not to write to her again.

 

I disagree hugely.

 

She doesn't understand that he actually wants her back and until she does understand that and then says don't contact me he should try again.

 

I know this from personal experience and am 100% sure on this . I back myself and trust me when I say she wouldn't say leave me be if she knew his hidden interests were to win her back.

 

If an ex texts saying hope your okay your more upset by this and disheartened as you just think there still sticking to there thoughts then of leaving me and it hits you all over again.

 

But if he reaches out once more he will also achieve personal happiness that he tried with her and she then said no she can rest knowing he did his best, it's not fair to assume she doesn't want him cause she said don't contact me again when she isn't aware of his true feelings.

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

I am a dumpee. My ex reached out to me recently wanting to meet up but wasn't forthcoming enough and to me it felt like he just...as you did, wanted to see im 'ok'. So I told him not to contact me again. He hasn't... But although I said Don't contact me again, i'd love nothing more, nothing would make me happier than for him to reach out and tell me he wants to try again.

[Maldives]

Yes I agree that u need to essentially earn her trust again but a word of advice here, don't chase her and win her back only to realise u dont want her again and break her heart. Be absolutly clear wth ur intentions if u wish to reconcile and don't play wth her heart.

I had this happen to me where my ex wife chased me only to get back and then break up for good it sent all my hard work healing and moving on back to square one don't do this if ur unsure.

[mike.c]

Yes I agree that u need to essentially earn her trust again but a word of advice here, don't chase her and win her back only to realise u dont want her again and break her heart. Be absolutly clear wth ur intentions if u wish to reconcile and don't play wth her heart.

I had this happen to me where my ex wife chased me only to get back and then break up for good it sent all my hard work healing and moving on back to square one don't do this if ur unsure.

 

Yes, take your time to make the right decision, if you're serious about her then her being happy should be your top priority. But also don't do what I did and take too long to make your mind up.

[JamesWard]

Hi,

 

I much appreciate everyone who took a few minutes of their time to express their opinion and provide me with insights.

 

I see my confussion is partly justified, as some of you are in the "no contact" and others on the "contact her" camps.

 

I understand those who said - "respect her wishes: let her be, move on, you broke up with her twice already".

 

I truely dont want to hurt her any more. Had we broken up due to unfaithfulness, disrespectful behavior or other major causes then I would definitely part ways and never contact her again.

 

That being said, I know Ive caused her pain by breaking up and perhaps inflicted more pain by contacting her after 3 weeks just to check how she was doing - I did it on purpose just to see how she reacted. Perhaps she was expecting a different message from me at that point in time.

 

For those of you who said "contact her again but be upfront". It may be confirmation bias on my behalf but there might be a possibility that she asked me politely not to contact her again because I wasnt upfront about wanting her back. Perhaps if she really wanted me to vanish she would have said so after the first message I sent her with the movie preview - to which she replied "i dont know what you want me to say"

 

Its been nearly a month since we broke up and I realise I want to be with her and would be willing to move with her anywhere in the world which is suitable for both of us. I really regret we didnt sit down and have an honest conversation about this. Other than the possibility of she moving, our relationship was great.

 

Then there is the "what if I had contacted her" regret that will come if I dont give it another try.

 

I will take into account all of the valuable opinions you have giving me and make a decision on what to do next week. Her birthday is around these days and I dont want to spoil it if she seriously means she doesnt want to know from me again

 

Thanks

 

James

Edited July 22, 2017 by JamesWard

[marky00]

Tend to agree with what has been said.

 

 

As a dumpee, I went full NC for about 6 months. Then over the next 6 months, I got all the "how have you been?" and how's life going?" etc. That went on for about 6 months until I finally responded once with a "what is it you want to say?". A month after that, she asked me if I am married and there has been no further contact for about a month.

 

 

But here is the main point. Every time she asked questions about me WITHOUT OFFERING INFORMATION ABOUT HERSELF pushed me away further, it helped consolidate in my mind she was only reaching out due to guilt etc and I wanted no part in that at all.

 

 

Admittedly she was always a pretty bad communicator (we were together on and off for about 9 years).

 

 

There probably is some hidden meaning behind her messages but I don't plan on playing Sherlock Holmes anymore.

 

 

Over time, dumpees get smarter at dealing with this and the smart ones know that until the dumper actually reveals some information about themselves, it's just meaningless contact to relieve guilt.

 

 

I get why dumpers might be frustrated with dealing with the wall a dumpee puts up but that is just too bad. The dumpee is actually exhibiting perfectly healthy behaviour. The wall they put up might slowly drop, but only once the dumper starts to exhibit behaviour that equalises/balances the relationship.

 

 

A relationship based on "how are you" and nothing else is one-directional and unbalanced which leads to an unhealthy dynamic. Your Ex is simply behaving in a way that encourages a healthy dynamic where u either say u want to get back together or you leave her alone. In between stuff will be ignored (as it should be).

Edited July 22, 2017 by marky00

[Zolatola]

You already dumped her twice? Just let it go. This isn't a movie. Persistence doesn't pay off, it just makes you a pest.

[Chilli]

Yeah ,l agree .

You dumped her twice in only 8mths, stop kidding yourself and hurting her .

Something made you dump this twice already in only such a short time so odds are just supposing you even did get her back again anyway, those same things would make it 3 times before long.

lf she's a good women and did nothing to deserve this , then l feel really bad for her and cringe at the thought of her putting herself on the line for you yet again and risking being dumped yet again a third time down the track.

 

l'd say she's being strong and has decided to go ahead with her plans and she's trying to move on and you should leave her alone alone to recover and do that and move on yourself.

[Zolatola]

Yeah ,l agree .

You dumped her twice in only 8mths, stop kidding yourself and hurting her .

Something made you dump this twice already in only such a short time so odds are just supposing you even did get her back again anyway, those same things would make it 3 times before long.

lf she's a good women and did nothing to deserve this , then l feel really bad for her and cringe at the thought of her putting herself on the line for you yet again and risking being dumped yet again a third time down the track.

 

l'd say she's being strong and has decided to go ahead with her plans and she's trying to move on and you should leave her alone alone to recover and do that and move on yourself.

 

This is very well said.

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

Tend to agree with what has been said.

 

 

As a dumpee, I went full NC for about 6 months. Then over the next 6 months, I got all the "how have you been?" and how's life going?" etc. That went on for about 6 months until I finally responded once with a "what is it you want to say?". A month after that, she asked me if I am married and there has been no further contact for about a month.

 

 

But here is the main point. Every time she asked questions about me WITHOUT OFFERING INFORMATION ABOUT HERSELF pushed me away further, it helped consolidate in my mind she was only reaching out due to guilt etc and I wanted no part in that at all.

 

 

Admittedly she was always a pretty bad communicator (we were together on and off for about 9 years).

 

 

There probably is some hidden meaning behind her messages but I don't plan on playing Sherlock Holmes anymore.

 

 

Over time, dumpees get smarter at dealing with this and the smart ones know that until the dumper actually reveals some information about themselves, it's just meaningless contact to relieve guilt.

 

 

I get why dumpers might be frustrated with dealing with the wall a dumpee puts up but that is just too bad. The dumpee is actually exhibiting perfectly healthy behaviour. The wall they put up might slowly drop, but only once the dumper starts to exhibit behaviour that equalises/balances the relationship.

 

 

A relationship based on "how are you" and nothing else is one-directional and unbalanced which leads to an unhealthy dynamic. Your Ex is simply behaving in a way that encourages a healthy dynamic where u either say u want to get back together or you leave her alone. In between stuff will be ignored (as it should be).

 

This is what I noticed about my Dumper too. I (stupidly) was giving out info about what i'd been up to... but he gave me very little info about himself back. We were talking all about me, but nothing about him! Even though I did ask him at one point 'Are you still...?' he never actually answered that question.

[l8estnews]

Let her be and move on.

[Els]

IMO it's not clear exactly what happened during the breakup fight. You say you told her you didn't take the offer abroad. So what triggered it?

 

In your case it is difficult to give any advice because your behaviour after breaking up with her was perplexing. If you had truly wanted to get back with her, you should have apologized and expressed your wishes immediately. Instead, you sent her movie previews 3 weeks later!?!? Obviously she responded the way she did. WTF is a dumper doing sending movie previews and ignoring the fact that he broke up with her???

 

I suppose you could still send her an email telling her that you're sorry and wish you could take it back and stay together (assuming you are SURE that that is how you feel and you're not just going through post-breakup emotions). And at the end of the email, say that if she wants you to stay away, you will respect that and not contact her again unless she contacts you. And then genuinely do that.

 

But I'm not putting my bets on your odds. The chance to do that was the day after (and even then it's not very high), NOT after 3 weeks. She might very well be over you by now.

Edited July 23, 2017 by Elswyth

[JamesWard]

Thanks everyone for the input.

 

I know I messed up not only once but twice and the chances of she taking me back are slim to none.

 

As mentioned we had a really good relationship, no major fights, got along great, share simmilar values and views on life. She always told me I was a really good boyfriend to her and that I treated her with love and respect

 

In all honesty I broke up with her because I feared getting more and more involved and then in 6 months, 1 year down the road breaking up because she had to move to another continent, where I cant work, and for it being even more painful. Poor choice, I know.

 

Ive decided to send her a letter. Having a slim chance of her taking me back is not a good reason not to try

 

I will apologize for breaking up with her and for the pain I caused her, explain clearly why I did it, tell her I still love her and that I will be willing to go anywhere with her as long as it suits us both. Proceed to tell her that if she doesnt want to hear from me every again I will respect her wishes and then ask her for a last chance to gain her trust and love back and for us to meet for breakfast / coffee.

 

If she doesnt take me back, I know it may open a wound once again but at least she will know she had the last word.

 

On my side it will give me peace that although i messed up I did apologize and did my best at this point to gain her back

Edited July 23, 2017 by JamesWard

[Els]

Thanks everyone for the input.

 

I know I messed up not only once but twice and the chances of she taking me back are slim to none.

 

As mentioned we had a really good relationship, no major fights, got along great, share simmilar values and views on life. She always told me I was a really good boyfriend to her and that I treated her with love and respect

 

In all honesty I broke up with her because I feared getting more and more involved and then in 6 months, 1 year down the road breaking up because she had to move to another continent, where I cant work, and for it being even more painful. Poor choice, I know.

 

Ive decided to send her a letter. Having a slim chance of her taking me back is not a good reason not to try

 

I will apologize for breaking up with her and for the pain I caused her, explain clearly why I did it, tell her I still love her and that I will be willing to go anywhere with her as long as it suits us both. Proceed to tell her that if she doesnt want to hear from me every again I will respect her wishes and then ask her for a last chance to gain her trust and love back and for us to meet for breakfast / coffee.

 

If she doesnt take me back, I know it may open a wound once again but at least she will know she had the last word.

 

On my side it will give me peace that although i messed up I did apologize and did my best at this point to gain her back

 

I empathize, sounds like a rough time all around. It's always heartbreaking when couples encounter difficulties due to the demands of careers, locations, etc.

 

I think you finally did the right thing this time, now you need to stick to your word and not contact her again no matter how much you want to, unless she talks to you first and explicitly desires to at least hear back from you.

 

Good luck!

[healing light]

Cut the bull**** and just directly tell her you were hasty and you want her back.

 

 

Then if she tells you to buzz off, you know what to do.

[stockyoldfrump]

As a dumpee, I can also say that much of the resistance to contact with the dumper is the repeated trauma of lacking control in the dialogue/relationship and therefore opening yourself up to future hurt. As the dumpee, you have already felt that you were kept in the dark, betrayed, and undervalued. You also have very vivid, likely unrelenting, memories of the final conversations in which all of these feelings were crystallized. You are conscious of having given yourself emotionally to dialogues in which you ultimately had no control and recognize that said conversations left you with an overwhelming sensation that your needs, wants, and longings were subordinate to those of someone else. The last thing anyone wants to do is invite that same dynamic again.

 

That is to say, largely, that many (recent) dumpees crave contact with their ex, but ONLY if they are very straightforwardly assured that the dialogue recognizes and validates their emotions. This usually means demonstrating an openness to resuming the relationship. Anything short of this and anything casual or coy is not only further reaffirming that their needs don't matter, but compounding the insult by suggesting that their all consuming heartbreak means less than your pride or, worse, your casual desire to share immaterial stories or thoughts or memories. As a dumper, you do not get to be coy or casual in your re-approach. You must be very clear and very humble. And once you do that, you must respect their response.

 

So, really, you have two options:

 

1) You can respect her wishes. She was clear and unwavering. She didn't mince words. I'd say this is the absolute best way of going about this. At the very least, she understands that you respect her at least enough to listen when she speaks.

 

2) Since you weren't clear, contrite or totally open in your initial messages, you could try one last time and outline, very clearly, that you want to get back together, are sorry you hurt her, and are willing to do anything you can to make it up to her. This should be short, to the point, and without any sense of pridefulness or restraint. If you actually want her back, you need to be willing to put yourself out there in the same way she did. If she turns you down or ignores you, you have to accept that and go away permanently.

 

There isn't a third option. I think personally you should leave her be regardless, but if you don't intend to throw yourself at her feet, there is literally no excuse whatsoever to contact her again.

[JamesWard]

I sent out the letter today. I expect and I am ready for a "I asked you not to contact me again" or not to hear back from my ex. In either case, she will not hear from me again

 

Regardless of the outcome, I know I messed up and by apologizing and laying it all out it will be easier to give closure, move on and learn from my mistakes. I dont regret at all sending out the letter.

 

As for my ex, I believe the letter, more so than cause her pain, will annoy her a bit to hear back again from me but in some sense she will be glad she had the last say and perhaps also be satisfied to read my apology and for her to know I miss her.

 

This will be my last post. Once again, thank you to each and everyone of you who took some minutes to share your thoughts.

 

James

[springy]

Last post? So there will be no update? Just gonna leave us hanging?

[JamesWard]

Last post? So there will be no update? Just gonna leave us hanging?

 

Nothing to report back. As expected she moved on and so am I.

 

Thank you all!

[brokenheart415]

Hi,

 

3 weeks ago I broke up with ex girlfriend of 8 months. For the most part all had gone smoothly, we had simmilar values, outlook on life, we were quite happy. We had a 7 years age difference. I am in my mid 30s, she is in her late 20s.

 

Background:

- It was her first serious relationship (first formal boyfriend)

- I broke up with my ex once after 2 months, felt she wasnt committed enough but then realized she was taking things slower because it was her first relationship

- Never had any major fights, disagreements

- Spent almost all weekends together, made weekend trips and had trips planned for up coming our birthdays (both birthdays have passed since we broke up)

 

- She was applying for jobs abroad, in countries where I couldnt work at (visa, language barriers, etc).

- I had an offer to work in another country, she looked for jobs there but couldnt find one suitable for her (all these happened in the span of the 2 weeks previous to our breakup)

- The day I broke up with her I told her that I didnt take the offer to work abroad so i could be with her.

- I would be willing to go with her anywhere where I could also work, she argued she might not leave at all and that i was worrying about something which may never happen

- I still broke up with her, it was a decision taken - at the time I thought it was better to call it off than break up afterwards when I became even more attached (although she might never leave)

- I regret not talking things through with her that night, she cried and became very angry with me

 

Present:

- After no contact with her for 3 weeks after break up, I messaged her saying that something reminded me of her and that I hoped she was doing great. I attached a new preview of a movie she was anxiously waiting to come out

- She replied that she didnt know what to say to me

- I told her i wasnt looking for a particular answer, that I remembered her and wanted to know how she was.

- She replied "I am fine, please dont write to me again"

 

I feel she is still hurting from our break up. She wasnt rude to me at all. I know she needs time.

 

I miss her, we had a great relationship. Its hard knowing I broke up eventhough nothing bad happened between us

 

I would like to be back with her, I honestly would be willing to go anywhere in the world with her, as long as both of us can find appropiate jobs.

 

Not sure what the next steps should be..

 

-I know I should wait at least 2 more weeks before contacting her, after all she very politely asked for me not to contact her. Although we were never friends in social media, she didnt block me from the social network I used to message her

-I would like to send her a letter, something she once did for me. Say that I respect and understand her decision for me not to contact her and if thats her wish I will not do it again.

- I want to tell her that I am sorry if I hurt her, that she and our relationship meant a lot to me and that I would like to have the opportunity to stay in touch with her or invite her for breakfast, as I dont want that night to be the last time we see each other.

- I dont want to overwhelm her in the letter or revisit too much our previous relationship. Would like to leave a door open for her to agree to meet up / be in contact again and then see what happens

- If she doesnt reply or asks me again not to contact her I will not do it again.

 

Would truely appreciate any advice?

- Should I let her be and move on?

- Contact her again and how?

 

Thank you

 

James

 

I've tried the whole waiting game. It really doesn't work most the time (maybe not for me). Just tell her the truth about everything and if she doesn't want you back, just move on. There was a reason for the brake up in the first place. Sometimes your emotions are not the most reliable. It may sound cold hearted but in time, things will heal. I believe your career comes first, without it, then you will have nothing to support any relationship or family. I am also in my 30's and I find that younger women are still in that phase of finding themselves and getting their career on track. Once you told her the truth and move on, she may or may not contact you. Women tend to find rebounds very fast, it's easy for them. But if you've done all you can do, then you must continue with your life. It may suck, but you'll be happy in the end. 2 years from now, you'll probably be with another person, if not her.

[JamesWard]

Received a message from her over the weekend, past midnight, so probably she had a few drinks in. "Lets talk next week" she wrote.

 

Could mean anything but its something.

Edited July 31, 2017 by JamesWard