Another Ghosting tale.. Should I reach out?

[stillafool]

As I said before, I slept with him because I really like him and I thought he really liked me based off of all that he said and did and I genuinely thought he had an interest in dating me for the immediate future atleast. Trust me when I say he came on really strong!

 

Anyway it was my mistake for falling for it. I also believe he knows I probaly would not have slept with him had he not been making all those assertions about where we were headed.

 

In the future it is best to only have sex because you want it, need it and are feeling the urge for yourself. This way you won't feel used and are not doing it with the intention of having a relationship. Anyone can lie and tell you what they think you want to hear; then back out later after sex. Also a man may start out feeling he wants a relationship with you but later, for whatever reason, will change his mind. He has every right to do this without being called a jerk. That is what dating is about to get to know people who you think are compatible enough to have a relationship. Unfortunately a lot of times feelings and emotions do not match and one person ends up feeling let down.

 

I personally would not contact him and let him know I cared this much considering you two will probably never see each other again. I would just stay silent and let him wonder.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I'm pretty much going through the exact same thing now!!!! He was sooooo charming. Took me out to eat, movies, bought me a gift. Paid for everything. Felt like I was in a fairytale and we were only on 4 dates. He also came back from a 2 week vacation and i waited. thankfully didn't sleep with him but he planned on it because he told me he planned it all out. When he gets back he will cook me dinner and we will see eachother everyday and have oral until he leaves again for a week and when he comes back again we will have sex. I got so creeped out that I told him that I feel like he's playing me and I have trust issues. He Got mad and it's been 3 days and he hasn't responded to my texts. Pretty much got ghosted...... I still feel a guilt as if maybe he's not a player and I blamed him for no reason but then the other part of me felt like all this love bombing and going so fast is a red flag..... I advise you to not contact him and start moving on. That's what I'm gonna do even though it's hard.

 

I'm sorry, but what kind of person 'plans' for oral (which is sex), leaves to come back to plan for 'sex (I assume he means intercourse)?' Ugh. He may not have been a player, but he sounds like a douche.

[gemmax]

In the future it is best to only have sex because you want it, need it and are feeling the urge for yourself. This way you won't feel used and are not doing it with the intention of having a relationship. Anyone can lie and tell you what they think you want to hear; then back out later after sex. Also a man may start out feeling he wants a relationship with you but later, for whatever reason, will change his mind. He has every right to do this without being called a jerk. That is what dating is about to get to know people who you think are compatible enough to have a relationship. Unfortunately a lot of times feelings and emotions do not match and one person ends up feeling let down.

 

I personally would not contact him and let him know I cared this much considering you two will probably never see each other again. I would just stay silent and let him wonder.

I do agree and eveything you said makes total sense. I just feel like he was so eager each night to get me back to his flat.. I suppose in high insight I am seeing red flags that should have been warning signs to me. Even at dinner he filled my wine glass several times even though he knows I usually only drink 2 glasses. I was more tipsy than usual but still 100% wanted to sleep with him, I am just analyzing his actions.

 

 

I dont think I will contact him, I just had a moment of rage!! >_<

[Miss Spider]

Be the bigger person, if only to not give him the satisfaction of knowing he affected you so much. Try to forget him and move forward, taking it as a lesson learned. Tell yourself you will no longer buy into sweet words from a charming, attractive stranger from a dating app. It is a cesspool of sex-desperate men fattening up women for the kill.

 

They follow a similar script(with some variation) and I'm both horrified and fascinated by its effectiveness. Woman meets man, she says she's not like that, he implies he totally gets that, he continues by sweeping her off her feet, sweet talking her, suggesting future s*** he never plans on doing, brings up family to lure her into false since of security, takes dates to 'his place', thinking the entire time if she were really not like that she wouldn't need to say it and soon she will give into his wiles. **The third date** aka Universal Sex Date rolls around, and sure enough, they have sex. He slow fades. She feels used even though she wanted and enjoyed the sex just as much, she feels there was an unspoken agreement for him to stick around and feels played.

 

Like redhead said, I think if know you cannot handle a man fading after sex. don't have sex before committment, or at the very least when you have dated long enough to be sure there is emotional investment from him. Even then you cannot guarantee anything, but it will take away a lot of risk.

 

 

Even if you don't have sex, if you're like me you still get invested easier than most and it will hurt when it does work out.

Remind yourself not everyone will feel the same way about us or want what we want, but that doesn't take away our worth. You are some guy's perfect woman.

 

Jmo

Edited July 22, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[gemmax]

Be the bigger person, if only to not give him the satisfaction of knowing he affected you so much. Try to forget him and move forward, taking it as a lesson learned. Tell yourself you will no longer buy into sweet words from a charming, attractive stranger from a dating app. It is a cesspool of sex-desperate men fattening up women for the kill.

 

They follow a similar script(with some variation) and I'm both horrified and fascinated by its effectiveness. Woman meets man, she says she's not like that, he implies he totally gets that, he continues by sweeping her off her feet, sweet talking her, suggesting future s*** he never plans on doing, brings up family to lure her into false since of security, takes dates to 'his place', thinking the entire time if she were really not like that she wouldn't need to say it and soon she will give into his wiles. **The third date** aka Universal Sex Date rolls around, and sure enough, they have sex. He slow fades. She feels used even though she wanted and enjoyed the sex just as much, she feels there was an unspoken agreement for him to stick around and feels played.

 

Like redhead said, I think if know you cannot handle a man fading after sex. don't have sex before committment, or at the very least when you have dated long enough to be sure there is emotional investment from him. Even then you cannot guarantee anything, but it will take away a lot of risk.

 

 

Even if you don't have sex, if you're like me you still get invested easier than most and it will hurt when it does work out.

Remind yourself not everyone will feel the same way about us or want what we want, but that doesn't take away our worth. You are some guy's perfect woman.

 

Jmo

Thank you! Great advice.. you guys are really great at giving advice.. I am so happy to have come across this forum.

 

Trust me this experience has taught me a lot about what I can handle from men on these apps and what I am to expect. I will never make such a mistake again.

[InvisiBlonde]

Sorry this happened to you. BTDT, or had it done to me. Stinks!

 

Have you done any reading about "Future Faking" and / or "Love Bombing?"

 

You might find some answers and validation.

[gemmax]

Sorry this happened to you. BTDT, or had it done to me. Stinks!

 

Have you done any reading about "Future Faking" and / or "Love Bombing?"

 

You might find some answers and validation.

 

 

No I havent actually, let me know if you have any recommendations!

[gemmax]

okay wow I read a little about love bombing, that is some scary stuff! I dont think I have ever come across a guy like that thankfully.

 

I do wonder if this guy had any level of attraction to me, or If I was just a target for him from the outset. I just dont understand all those messages while he was in NZ and then messaging when he came home. Maybe he was just trying to phase it out.

[meta.morphate]

Have you tried dating men that you've met naturally in real life? I feel like many variations of this same situation are just how online dating tends to be. Obviously there are success stories but I think probably far more often, it's guys looking to hook up, and unfortunately girls who are looking for something more end up being hurt and confused and disappointed ... the guy's intention all along is to have sex, and maybe, despite what you SAY to him, he believes this is your intention too ... because you're trying to meet people online.

 

 

Also, as mentioned, when you're online dating, it's so easy to just be on to the next one.

 

 

This is why I won't participate in online dating, because I feel like the type of guy who meets girls online, is the type of guy who will continue to do that once we've gotten together ... or, will revert back to that during times of boredom or frustration in a relationship. Just food for thought. There are obviously problems that arise in dating in real life, but I just feel that a natural connection and attraction that occurs in real life, has more chance of turning into something than a situation that was actively sought-out online.

 

 

You mentioned he deleted you, which is strange, since you haven't reached out to him (right?) but anyways, DO NOT CONTACT HIM, don't give him a piece of your mind, when you feel the urge, come on here, or get away from your phone/computer for a while till it passes .. because how much worse will you feel if you contact him and he doesn't respond and your message is just lingering there?

[gemmax]

This is why I won't participate in online dating, because I feel like the type of guy who meets girls online, is the type of guy who will continue to do that once we've gotten together ... or, will revert back to that during times of boredom or frustration in a relationship. Just food for thought. There are obviously problems that arise in dating in real life, but I just feel that a natural connection and attraction that occurs in real life, has more chance of turning into something than a situation that was actively sought-out online.

Yes I totally agree with you. My last boyfriend was pre dating app culture, and last summer I tried a little online dating, one year post breakup , got ghosted and hurt badly so left dating altogether. I am only back at it now and feel ready to meet someone again.

I am also living in London, life is super busy, it feels like a difficult place to meet people. Plus english men can be very reluctant to ask someone out in real life. Everyone I know who is single seems to be online dating, or atleast dipping their toe in and out. For example when I lived briefly in the states, I loved american guys so much!! because theyre just forward and arent afraid to come and talk to you and ask you out. Its such a refreshing approch. Maybe I should move back to the states! haha

 

I just realised with this guy however who I met on bumble.. he was also on my tinder account ( which I dont actually use). I just had a flash this morning and checked it.. and he messaged me on tinder july 2016 and I responded october 2016 because I rarely login, he responded and then I never responded back. I knew he looked famliar when he came up on bumble.

 

I also dont think he deleted me anymore. I added him on my friends phone and she cant see his profile photo , I can so maybe he just removed his time stamp.

 

I guess he was either totally manipulating me , had no interest and just saw me as a target. Or he just lost interest really quickly. Both scenarios hurt just as much when you actually like the person.

 

I definitely will not contact him.

[InvisiBlonde]

No I havent actually, let me know if you have any recommendations!

 

Here ya go:

 

Future Fakers: Understanding Why Someone Fakes a Future With You

 

(I LOVE that site, BTW, and credit it now with quite literally saving my sanity.)

[InvisiBlonde]

I do wonder if this guy had any level of attraction to me, or If I was just a target for him from the outset. I just dont understand all those messages while he was in NZ and then messaging when he came home. Maybe he was just trying to phase it out.

 

You are almost certainly too young to remember this , but it was a huge hit at the time:

 

[Robratory]

okay wow I read a little about love bombing, that is some scary stuff! I dont think I have ever come across a guy like that thankfully.

 

I do wonder if this guy had any level of attraction to me, or If I was just a target for him from the outset. I just dont understand all those messages while he was in NZ and then messaging when he came home. Maybe he was just trying to phase it out.

 

Fortunately, the true psychopaths who enjoy playing with our feelings are rare, and we can usually tell who they are because, instead of going away, they try to kill us.

 

The other people who hurt our feelings are just people like us, who don't always know what they want, who are afraid of making the wrong choices, and who are total klutzes when it comes to open communication.

 

Most of us who've been around the block can look back and remember people we mistreated not because we wanted to but because we couldn't bring ourselves to say something like, "I'm sorry, but I really don't want to be involved with you."