Another Ghosting tale.. Should I reach out?

[gemmax]

So I havent dated in around a year because I found the last time that I was ghosted so painful that I could not put myself through it. I must also add that I rarely feel a strong connection or really like someone so when I do its a huge deal for me.

 

So I went on three dates with this guy, super charming, handsome ,very motivated and incredibly chivralous. They were also the best dates I have ever had, we just have a lot of talking, laughing , dancing etc. I like him more than I have ever liked anyone really.

 

I made it clear to him before I met him (on dating app) that I dont sleep with random guys. I also made it clear to him when I met him that I usually only get intimate with boyfriends etc. In his texts he would say I was a lady of little trust with a wink and how he was looking forward to taking steps with me. On dates he was constantly talking about all the places he wanted to bring me etc. so he really made me feel like he liked me genuinely as much as I liked him and actually wanted to date me. We ended up sleeping together on the third date. ( he had me come over to his place for dinner, maybe another ploy on his part). Then he happened to be going home to New Zealand for 10 days, texted a little but not much. He texted the morning after he returned which was last tuesday and later on tuesday evening. Was playful as usual.. Then nothing since. Prior to leaving he was texting almost everyday.

 

I feel like he is definitely beginning the ghosting process.. he is also always online on whatsapp. So he's not busy. Should I give him until tomorrow (saturday) to get in touch? and then delete his number if not.. If I delete his number he will know, as he will no longer be able to see my whatsapp picture.

 

Would appreciate any advice.. the pain of really starting to fall for someone and being ghosted yet again makes me feel so inadequate. It also makes me feel like I cant be playful or lighthearted on future dates where I might fall for a guy because I am really am going to feel like everything they say is utter bs.

 

Do I even have a right to feel upset about this or am I being overly emotional? Given how he made me feel when we were together and the things he would say I am in actual shock that he would simply try to just ghost me. Its just so disrespectful, eventhough I am aware that it is happening a lot, it still doesnt take away the shock value for me. Especially since he was coming on so strong

Edited July 21, 2017 by gemmax

[Redhead14]

makes me feel so inadequate -- Why does it have to be YOU that is inadequate? If he's ghosting, he's the inadequate one.

 

It also makes me feel like I cant be playful or lighthearted on future dates where I might fall for a guy because I am really am going to feel like everything they say is utter bs. -- As of this moment, you have begun packing your "baggage". And, in the very early stages of a dating scenario, their words do mean nothing. They are words until they become demonstration/action.

 

That being said,

 

We ended up sleeping together on the third date. He happened to be going home to New Zealand for 10 days,-- Boy, that was convenient. He had to get in a lay before he left?

 

I always tell women that the first time they sleep with a man, even if she's been seeing him for a while, that she should assume it will be a one-night stand unless and until he shows her otherwise by remaining consistent with communication and scheduling dates.

 

Why don't you just let this play out? You're not waiting for him, you're just living your life unless and until he does reach out. If he does reach out by your "deadline", listen to him, see what he has to say and whether it's credible, etc. If he doesn't, then you block and delete.

Edited July 21, 2017 by Redhead14

[gemmax]

makes me feel so inadequate --

 

 

Why don't you just let this play out? You're not waiting for him, you're just living your life unless and until he does reach out. If he does reach out by your "deadline", listen to him, see what he has to say and whether it's credible, etc. If he doesn't, then you block and delete.

 

Thanks for the advice! It is hard not to harbour feelings of inadequacies however when I see so many of my friends falling into relationships.

 

So by playout do you mean I should just let it be for a few days.. or do you think I should delete his number by tomorrow afternoon given that he will know I have deleted it?

 

Its just hard, because I just felt so comfortable with him yet still had butterflies, I found him irresistible and just so easy to be around at the same time and was so excited before each date. I rarely have those feelings.

Edited July 21, 2017 by gemmax

[Miss Spider]

Regardless of what he does, I think you should not take guys who do this back. It teaches them it's totally cool to drift in and out of your life as it pleases them. I had this happen to me recently. Guy didn't acknowledge my text for 24 hours. It's done. Block/deleted(they usually come back and it's annoying) No matter how much you like the person, you gotta cut them loose. At best, you just set the stage for more of this behavior. It's totally cool to have sex and pull back a lot , in fact, it's rewarded with chasing by you. Don't do it.

[gemmax]

Regardless of what he does, I think you should not take guys who do this back. It teaches them it's totally cool to drift in and out of your life as it pleases them. I had this happen to me recently. Guy didn't acknowledge my text for 24 hours. It's done. Block/deleted(they usually come back and it's annoying) No matter how much you like the person, you gotta cut them loose. At best, you just set the stage for more of this behavior. It's totally cool to have sex and pull back a lot , in fact, it's rewarded with chasing by you. Don't do it.

 

Well I havent chased,, because I have always allowed him to initiate contact, except on one occasion in NZ I texted him first, but otherwise he has always texted first. But I told myself when he arrived home I would absolutely allow him to contact me first.. which he did on tuesday but never followed up since..

 

So yeah I dont think I will text him, just wondering should I delete his number or give him a few more days to possibly get in touch with me.

 

maybe he has a date lined up for this evening being friday and is weighing up his options.. or maybe he really is just full on ghosting.

[Redhead14]

when I see so many of my friends falling into relationships. -- Sweetie, don't manage/compare yourself to your friends. The fact is that they have likely been through all the same stuff you have before they got where they are. And, you have yet to see how those relationships pan out . . .

 

You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you get to the one who turns into your prince. It's process, not an event.

 

Up above you said wait until Saturday. So do that. Tomorrow is Saturday. You can block and delete Saturday morning or Saturday night. I'm guessing you'll be so stressed out by tomorrow morning if he doesn't call, so you'll want to do it then.

 

he will know I have deleted it? -- So what? I wouldn't be answering a call from a guy who slept with me the night before he was leaving for two weeks and then didn't call me for a week after his return. If you don't block and delete, you'll be stringing yourself along. There needs to be a limit for tolerance. It's not like you're doing this after only one or two days after his return. It'll be a week! Yeah, what if he tries to call one minute after you block him? Well, what if he doesn't try to call you? More stressing, right? He's not worth it.

[Miss Spider]

Well I havent chased,, because I have always allowed him to initiate contact, except on one occasion in NZ I texted him first, but otherwise he has always texted first. But I told myself when he arrived home I would absolutely allow him to contact me first.. which he did on tuesday but never followed up since..

 

So yeah I dont think I will text him, just wondering should I delete his number or give him a few more days to possibly get in touch with me.

 

I wanna be clear in my situation, I had not even met the guy yet, but we were scheduling to meet and he ghosted for a day. Then he tried to put off meeting me at least a week. Why set yourself to be a back burner? I would say it mattered you didn't initiate if this all happened before sex. But this a clear case of guy love bombing/figuring faking then he gets sex and pulls back communication. Why bother with him at all? Just prolongs your suffering. Delete . And block...He will probably come back around when he wants something

[Gaeta]

I am sorry to say you were an easy prey to him.

 

All he had to do was to take you out twice and feed you a bunch of compliments and he got you in his bed on 3rd date. EVEN if you had told him at first that you don't sleep with men until you are gf-bf.

 

Leave him be, and try to learn something from it.

 

* Do not believe what men tell you until the day they ask you to be their official girlfriend.

 

* If you don't want to sleep with men early - don't.

 

* Don't fall for men you met 2-3 times. They're strangers, they're all talk and nothing more.

 

* You need to look out for yourself, no one else will. Watch your back and watch these guys and don't give your trust because they sweet talk you.

[gemmax]

Thanks! You guys all do give great advice.

 

Its just hard to believe some men can be so disingenuous.. He's also 35 too so really should have more cop on with how he treats women.

 

Being 29 now It also really does weigh on me that I want to find someone special and start sharing a life with them.

Edited July 21, 2017 by gemmax

[Whodatdog]

You are getting yourself way too vested way too soon....3 dates? Thats no time. Had you not decided this was the love of your life, you wouldnt be so upset that it appears he's not interested anymore.

 

You also need to mean what you say. You told him you only sleep with boyfriends, yet you slept with him.

 

Words matter.

[gemmax]

You are getting yourself way too vested way too soon....3 dates? Thats no time. Had you not decided this was the love of your life, you wouldnt be so upset that it appears he's not interested anymore.

 

You also need to mean what you say. You told him you only sleep with boyfriends, yet you slept with him.

 

Words matter.

I do agree with you. I suppose because I rarely like anybody when I do fall for someone I tend to fall quite hard..

 

He's honestly the first guy I ever slept with that quickly probaly because I am so attracted to him. Things also just got out of hand, I had not expected to sleep with him that night, I was even on the end of my period , which he knew.

 

Anyway lesson learned. I wont be sleeping with the next man I fall for so easily.

[Redhead14]

Thanks! You guys all do give great advice.

 

Its just hard to believe some men can be so disingenuous.. He's also 35 too so really should have more cop on with how he treats women.

 

Being 29 now It also really does weigh on me that I want to find someone special and start sharing a life with them.

 

Some are disingenuous, some are clueless, some are sincere in the moment. In the end, they just aren't for you. It is what it is.

 

Being 29 -- Gawd There are people here in their 50's and 60's. LOL. Be patient and don't put your self-worth on having a man and live your life to it's fullest. While you're doing that, you may get a nice surprise someday. If not, you'll still be having a great time.

 

Right now you are watching for the pot to boil. Don't watch the pot. Be preparing the rest of meal and when it does boil, it won't seem like such a long time.

[gemmax]

Some are disingenuous, some are clueless, some are sincere in the moment. In the end, they just aren't for you. It is what it is.

 

Being 29 -- Gawd There are people here in their 50's and 60's. LOL. Be patient and don't put your self-worth on having a man and live your life to it's fullest. While you're doing that, you may get a nice surprise someday. If not, you'll still be having a great time.

 

Right now you are watching for the pot to boil. Don't watch the pot. Be preparing the rest of meal and when it does boil, it won't seem like such a long time.

 

I hope so! I just miss having a boyfriend. I should probaly just get busy living life a bit more..

 

He even told me on our second date that he liked me so much he would not date any other women If I didnt want him to.

 

I'll most likely delete his number by tomorrow afternoon.. unless anybody gives me a valid reason why I should hold off for a few days.

[gemmax]

even before we met, I actually stopped texting him at one point because I made it clear to him Im not interested in casual relationships. he then made a point of asking to call me on the phone to clear things up.. and was charming which was why I decided to follow through and meet him

 

I guess I feel like given how he knew from the outset how uninterested I was in a casual fling.. ( I know Im 100% to blame for sleeping with him) I feel like it makes him a bit more of an *******... or I just feel a little bit more manipulated by how expressive he was in showing interest in me.

[Redhead14]

even before we met, I actually stopped texting him at one point because I made it clear to him Im not interested in casual relationships. he then made a point of asking to call me on the phone to clear things up.. and was charming which was why I decided to follow through and meet him

 

I guess I feel like given how he knew from the outset how uninterested I was in a casual fling.. ( I know Im 100% to blame for sleeping with him) I feel like it makes him a bit more of an *******... or I just feel a little bit more manipulated by how expressive he was in showing interest in me.

 

I know Im 100% to blame for sleeping with him -- It's not a matter of blame. You both own it. If you enjoyed it, fine. It's the "expectations" you had for what would happen after that that you need to be able to squash.

[clia]

We ended up sleeping together on the third date. ( he had me come over to his place for dinner, maybe another ploy on his part). Then he happened to be going home to New Zealand for 10 days, texted a little but not much. He texted the morning after he returned which was last tuesday and later on tuesday evening. Was playful as usual.. Then nothing since. Prior to leaving he was texting almost everyday.

 

How did this conversation leave off? Is he always the one always doing most of the initiating? I'm just asking because I'm wondering if he could possibly be waiting for you to initiate.

[gemmax]

I know Im 100% to blame for sleeping with him -- It's not a matter of blame. You both own it. If you enjoyed it, fine. It's the "expectations" you had for what would happen after that that you need to be able to squash.

 

I absolutely enjoyed it and dont regret it really..but In my head because of what he had expressed to me, the effort he went to with the dinner, telling me he had told all his family in NZ about me etc..in my head I thought we were defintely entering at the very least a fun dating scenario.. not something once off or casual. If I had thought his interest in me was low I would not have slept with him.

 

I suppose I am upset because I feel a little manipulated by him.

[gemmax]

How did this conversation leave off? Is he always the one always doing most of the initiating? I'm just asking because I'm wondering if he could possibly be waiting for you to initiate.

 

Well he is always the one texting first.. but before he went to NZ he was texting almost everyday and I have made it clear to him that I like him a lot when were together and through text. Then when he was in NZ I hadnt heard from him 3 days so I text him to ask him if he was having fun at home.. then he continued to send me playful messages the last few days of his trip home.

 

Then he text me tuesday morning when he was back here in the uk. I had an interview that day..(which was awful) he text me tuesday evening to ask how it went.. I explained it wasnt great etc.. I probaly wasnt as playful as usual becuase I had had such a bad day..

 

havent heard from him since

Edited July 21, 2017 by gemmax

[Redhead14]

Well he is always the one texting first.. but before he went to NZ he was texting almost everyday and I have made it clear to him that I like him a lot when were together and through text. Then when he was in NZ I hadnt heard from him 3 days so I text him to ask him if he was having fun at home.. then he continued to send me playful messages the last few days of his trip home.

 

Then he text me tuesday morning when he was back here in the uk. I had an interview that day..(which was awful) he text me tuesday evening to ask how it went.. I explained it wasnt great etc.. I probaly wasnt as playful as usual becuase I had had such a bad day..

 

havent heard from him since

 

Stick to your plan . . . it's been a week and a half.

[gemmax]

last message was basically explaining that I didnt like the law firm I had interviewed at etc.. because I prefer small firms that dont have such an office culture type environment. He replied because ''you like intimacy''. I said yeah, I really dislike small talk and phoniness. He said ''true, plenty of that'' I replied ''some people are better at it than others'' and he replied ''thats true , not for all''

 

and it was 11.30 pm and that point so I left it and went to sleep. Def not playful the way we usually are, but I was just in a terrible mood. Maybe he thought I was alluding to him being phony.. I dont know

 

 

(im probaly entering borderline neurotic territory here)

[gemmax]

Stick to your plan . . . it's been a week and a half.

 

no, its been since tuesday.. so 3 days but he is always online on whatsapp

[gemmax]

or maybe the 10 day break away lost the momentum for him, which is unfortunate because I didnt lose any attraction for him .. .. but why bother text me when he arrived home then. or maybe he would have tried to ghost me anyway even if he hadnt gone away

[clia]

Ghosting does usually seem abrupt, but I would probably throw one more text message at him, just casual, asking what he has going on for the weekend. If he doesn't respond, you've lost nothing. If there's been a misunderstanding or he was waiting for you to reach out to him after your kind of crappy interview, then maybe you've gained something. But let him bring up getting together -- you just lob in the ball.

[Redhead14]

no, its been since tuesday.. so 3 days but he is always online on whatsapp

 

Oh!!!! I thought it was last Tuesday!!!! Oh, my goodness. It's only been 2.5 days??!!! since he returned from a 3 week overseas trip. It takes a little time to regroup after a trip like that. He texted Tuesday night and it's only early Friday afternoon. Chill a little here. See what happens over the weekend. But don't sit there stewing.

[gemmax]

Oh!!!! I thought it was last Tuesday!!!! Oh, my goodness. It's only been 2.5 days??!!! since he returned from a 3 week overseas trip. It takes a little time to regroup after a trip like that. He texted Tuesday night and it's only early Friday afternoon. Chill a little here. See what happens over the weekend. But don't sit there stewing.

 

I hope so. I just have a bad gut feeling. It was a 10 day overseas trip, and he never left it this long to text before he went away. It was either every day or every second day but mostly everyday. I guess Im just preparing myself mentally because I have a bad feeling.

 

Plus he works for home and seems to be on whatsapp all the time. Even two minutes ago..

 

I will try to chill out a bit