FaithInTheDark Posted July 20, 2017 Posted July 20, 2017 (edited) I met this guy thru a mutual friend and we hit it off instantly. The thing is he got divorced back in April. ( I totally understand this is a slippery slope but I'm trying to take it for what it is) I'm not excepting us to jump into anything but, I'm happy to have met a new found friend and it's helped a great deal to move on from my break up back in the fall. We've gone on 4 one on one dates and hung out with friends a few times. Its been slow starting but he was really stepped it up, planning dates, taking me to nice restaurants, meeting my friends. Yes we have hooked up as well and in that department has been good. during hang outs we have a lot of laughs, and go out and do fun activities. we always tell each other how much fun we had afterwards. I asked him what he wants and he said he didn't know but, needs to take it slow. Which I respect. The thing is he seems emotionally guarded ... And I'm very open person. I need someone to initiate a lot of affection and he seems to hold back on that as well. i find sometimes he needs a green light from me and then he will be passionate He mentioned once he doesn't know how to respond to compliments because he doesn't know how to open up much emotion at times? so im wondering if he is just a more of a reserved person regardless. Anyway, I left his house yesterday after our outing to the beach and feeling a bit unfulfilled. i dont know how to out it but thats just how im feeling. At the beach i wanted to kiss him or reach out and hold his hand but i feel awkward. in which , i feel drained mentally drained. I straight up asked him thru text how he's feeling about me because he's hard to read sometimes. He said "I feel very comfortable with you...and yes I do like you and like spending time with you" I understand this takes patience and we have become closer but, I feel insecure at times. maybe he just needs a lot of time to trust me in order to really open up. but hes simply not over his ex... i do feel like there is potential between us but i dont know if i should check out because hes not over her or give it more time. Any tips on dating a divorce man? Or insight Edited July 20, 2017 by FaithInTheDark
act00 Posted July 20, 2017 Posted July 20, 2017 How do you know he's not over his ex? Did he or any of your mutual friends tell you that? By the time divorce hits, in many cases, both are more than ready to move on. That doesn't take away the loss, and it's expensive, and draining, but I can tell you that I in no way, shape, or form wanted mine back...ever...so unless she asked for divorce while he was still trying to work things out, I wouldn't be so quick to think he's not over her...unless of course you were told as much. If he's not over her, you should part ways. He needs to work things out on his own. Now, if you're up for just enjoying what you can get out of him and expect NOTHING MORE, then continue seeing him. You have to expect nothing. I can't emphasize that enough. You could be his rebound or transition, and he could very well dump you, especially when he decides he needs to work on himself...and possibly play the field. It could be he's just not one to open up easily. A lot of men are this way. I think you need to work on being a bit more bold in advancing affection. I think you've hit the green light that this is okay by now, since you've had your moments with him. I can understand holding back a little and allowing him to take the lead, but you can't form anything long-term if you're forever waiting on him, and he needs to know you're into him just as much. I'm speaking more in general terms here - any guy. This guy? You already know it's risky. His divorce finalized in April. There's question on his continued feelings for his ex. Just be careful. No real tips. If there are kids involved, obviously you have to think about the stepmother role and the fact that he will always have to deal with the ex, and eventually you will have to deal with her as well. If he carries loads of baggage, you'll have to deal with that baggage. I'm divorced and I've dated divorced men, and for the most part, the ex's haven't been major issues and neither has the baggage, but I haven't moved into anything long-term, so it'shard to say what other minefields might be an issue. 1
Author FaithInTheDark Posted July 21, 2017 Author Posted July 21, 2017 I know hes not over his ex because for one ...i saw a little framed picture of them on his bedroom window sill? :/ two. his fb relationship status still says married? in all fairness hes not much of a facebook guy but still. three, he told a mutual friend he wanted to save the marriage and it was over for her. he has moved out, told me its over with them and they only talk about bills and nothing more. but yes, i know for a fact he was unhappily married for quite some time. and yes, your absolutely right about being more bold in terms of affection. and yes, he doesnt open up easily, as i am .
lurker74 Posted July 21, 2017 Posted July 21, 2017 I know hes not over his ex because for one ...i saw a little framed picture of them on his bedroom window sill? :/ two. his fb relationship status still says married? in all fairness hes not much of a facebook guy but still. three, he told a mutual friend he wanted to save the marriage and it was over for her. he has moved out, told me its over with them and they only talk about bills and nothing more. but yes, i know for a fact he was unhappily married for quite some time. and yes, your absolutely right about being more bold in terms of affection. and yes, he doesnt open up easily, as i am . It sounds like he's not completely over her but it doesn't completely preclude a relationship with you. It just reduces the percentage chance of you being together for the rest of your lives. Let's say that chance would be 8% with any random guy...with him, it's probably 5%. If that were accurate, would you stop seeing him over a 3% difference? Because I am here to tell you that finding the "right" guy is a pretty low likelihood anyway so any decrease from there is relatively marginal. Plus, maybe you don't need a relationship that's supposed to last forever at this point. Maybe that builds over time. With regard to the affection issue, you need to speak up. If you believe in the Five Love Languages, you need to understand how you receive "love" (and how he does as well) and make sure you get it.
kendahke Posted July 21, 2017 Posted July 21, 2017 Are you his first relationship since April? If he's only been divorced for 3 months, then understand that he's still in the process of resolving the finality of that. He may not be able to be open at this point. Unfortunately, if you are his first relationship since the divorce, that means you're the rebound and those types of relationships are more rocky than if you'd met and got involved with him a year or two from now. There's a lot he's got to relearn and one of those things is being emotionally open to a new woman and not closing down because he's conflating his feelings for his ex with his feelings for you... that's part of the work that's done when resolving feelings for a demised relationship. Having said that, the only way you can know if you can punch through the wall is to reach for his hand or kiss him--quit waiting for him to do it if you want it. You will know in short order if he is able to reciprocate. If he can't, then understand he's got limitations that a man who is emotionally whole does not have and that you need to make a choice whether or not to keep going.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted July 21, 2017 Posted July 21, 2017 He is not over his wife, but they are divorced. My concern here is not whether he is over his wife or not, but, rather, he is ready for a long term relationship. It is well known that people who are just out of a serious relationship, especially men, are less likely to jump back into another long term relationship. This is why many people prefer not dating someone who has just been out of a LTR.
salparadise Posted July 21, 2017 Posted July 21, 2017 Having said that, the only way you can know if you can punch through the wall is to reach for his hand or kiss him--quit waiting for him to do it if you want it. You will know in short order if he is able to reciprocate. If he can't, then understand he's got limitations that a man who is emotionally whole does not have and that you need to make a choice whether or not to keep going. Yup, quit having such expectations and expecting him to read your mind. Initiate. With respect to the divorce, it takes most people two years to work through the fallout from divorce. It's a major life transition. That doesn't mean he isn't datable for two years (but 3 months- really?), but he's wounded and you should not expect him to be carefree and effusive for quite some time. If you end up in a serious relationship, it will exist within the shadow of the divorce. No way around it... except to move on and find someone who is fully available. If you know for certain that he's still in love with his ex-wife... that would probably be advisable and in you own best interest. Of course access to sex and affection will feel good to him whether he's able to reciprocate or not, so don't expect him to make the decision.
mikeylo Posted July 21, 2017 Posted July 21, 2017 He isn't ready while he might disagree. Some people are over the ex spouse and marriage long while even before the divorce is final.
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