Lorenza Posted July 20, 2017 Posted July 20, 2017 Hi guys, so I started seeing this guy - handsome, thougtful, introverted, slightly weird and with a tendency to philosophize. A perfect one for me! Or so it seemed... We went on 4 dates in total, all in July. Would probably meet up more but I had to travel back to my home country. The first date was a traditional coffee date, but the last three... They were amazing, like nothing I have ever experienced before. I felt like we're in a movie - many adventures and special moments that were both romantic and comedic. I enjoyed it immensely and I'm definitely experiencing all the symptoms of falling for this guy. We chat constantly and he's the one initiating 90% of the time. A few days after me going away we were chatting late in the evening and the topic deviated from our regular topics and went into the sexual zone. He knows I'm not gonna sleep with anyone before establishing a relationship and he's ok with that. But I thought there's no harm in asking each other some intimate questions. It's a big part of getting to know each other after all. So we're just talking about our preferences, the conversation is getting hot and heated and then he says something that struck me like a lightning. I would never expect a guy like him (who seemed to be a tad old-fashioned with quite traditional values) would be into something like that... So he's into being a cuckold or something? He loves watching his girlfriend doing it with other men and that's something he talked his two exes into doing. I told him that is out of question for me and explained why. After a lot of back and forth he said he could probably live without it, since it's important to him that the woman enjoys it as much. Quite frankly this disturbed me and I'm turned off. Such a pity because I like everything about him otherwise... Usually I'd just close my eyes, take the leap and hope for the best, but this time I'm very doubtful. I'm thinking that his fetish will rear it's ugly head sooner or later (not that I condemn it, but it's disturbing to that my man would want to see me doing it with another man! I want him to be possesive). He made it sound like it's his biggest turn on and he's into threesomes as well. I think he's cotton wrapping it by saying he's ok without it, just to soften the blow or not chase me away. What do you think? What should I do?? I really like him, but this threw me off balance...
olivetree Posted July 20, 2017 Posted July 20, 2017 (edited) As you know, sex is a huge part of a relationship and sexual compatibility is soooo important! It's not like he's curious about being a cuckold or fantasizing about it. He's already made it a reality and knows he is seriously into it. So.... that is a tough one. I don't envy your position. If I were you, I would feel like I was holding him back from what he really wants. So my advice is have some more honest discussions with him about how important it really is to him. Edited July 20, 2017 by olivetree 3
preraph Posted July 20, 2017 Posted July 20, 2017 The fetish has already reared its head and I certainly wouldn't advise an inexperienced chaste young lady to have anything more to do with him because what if it turns out he's angling to sell you to other men or something like that? He could be a pimp of sorts. He may not even have a fetish. It may be his excuse to lend you to men for money or something like that. And if it is what he likes, you don't NEED that. Look, I am an older lady but I came from a very sexual generation and am tolerant in the extreme, but honestly, it's rare anything good comes from fetishes, especially this type. 5
Michelle ma Belle Posted July 20, 2017 Posted July 20, 2017 And this is exactly why I think talking about sexual likes and dislikes as well as desires is so important as soon as possible OP, I totally understand your hesitation. As adventurous as I am sexually, including having a healthy appetite for many different types of fetishes, cuckholding is not one of them. I'm painfully monogamous with my sexual partners so sharing or being shared is not something that I can or want to do. It appears this isn't something you're interested in either, although that could change with the right partner and your willingness to explore different aspects of your sexuality if only to know for sure it's not for you. I've done a ton of my own exploring over the years which is why I know for certain this scenario isn't something I want to include in my sexual repertoire. To each their own. As far as your man saying he's "okay" without it, in my personal experience, this kind of fetish is pretty specific as well as significant and one that can't really be satisfied by traditional means. Eventually, his desire and need for it will come knocking. So now the million dollar question is; do you continue on with him and hope he can keep it in check with you as you go off to live a happily-ever-after vanilla life together, OR do you walk away now before you become too attached knowing you can't possibly indulge in this lifestyle no matter how he sugar coats it. You know yourself better than anyone. 2
olivetree Posted July 20, 2017 Posted July 20, 2017 I should add, if you're already turned off by his preference, then you may find there is just no coming back from this. I would also want a man to want me all to himself, so I get that it might be a no-go from this point on for you. Basically, it all depends on whether or not you: 1) Can get over the fact that he is willing to share you / isn't as sexually possessive as you like 2) Believe him when he says that he is okay with not living out this fantasy for potentially the rest of his life 1
No_Go Posted July 20, 2017 Posted July 20, 2017 I'm sorry Lorenza, this is a No. Too complicated and the fact he said he can deal without it doesn't mean much... Now his goal is to have sex with you so he'll say what you want to hear. Unless you think you can deal with his fetish... Don't go to that route. 4 dates is not a big investment, few months/years will be. 5
Author Lorenza Posted July 20, 2017 Author Posted July 20, 2017 I'm not the kind of girl to explore my sexuallity and experiment with different things... I'm an old-fashioned one who's mostly into vanilla sex, so trying that out is completely unimaginable to me. Can't believe he's into that. When we first spoke about our values he said all the right things. His parents have been happily married for 30 years so he says he wants to follow in their footsteps and have a big family, children. We talked a lot about relationships not lasting anymore and how shallow people are while picking their partner. About mental and spiritual connection. And then bam - cuckold! Why?? 1
olivetree Posted July 20, 2017 Posted July 20, 2017 I'm not the kind of girl to explore my sexuallity and experiment with different things... I'm an old-fashioned one who's mostly into vanilla sex, so trying that out is completely unimaginable to me. Can't believe he's into that. When we first spoke about our values he said all the right things. His parents have been happily married for 30 years so he says he wants to follow in their footsteps and have a big family, children. We talked a lot about relationships not lasting anymore and how shallow people are while picking their partner. About mental and spiritual connection. And then bam - cuckold! Why?? Ugh, that would be incredibly disappointing given your great connection. I wouldn't be able to get over his preferences either, and I would suspect we'd probably have other incompatibilities too. I think you can find someone that you click with on all the levels you did with him AND sex.
Author Lorenza Posted July 20, 2017 Author Posted July 20, 2017 I have brought this up in a conversation tonight. Once again, he said it's not the end of the world if his partners isn't into that. Even got a bit offended that I might consider this a deal breaker. He wrote: "I'm not an animal, Lorenza. It's not like I can't control my instincts. If not being a cuckold is the price I have to pay for being with a great woman, so be it." I want to believe this, but I somehow don't. And the thought that he would want it turns me off because I'd like my man to have his blood boiling just by the thought of it. And at the same time I really like this one, which seems to be rare for me nowadays. Sucks
Author Lorenza Posted July 20, 2017 Author Posted July 20, 2017 Ugh, that would be incredibly disappointing given your great connection. I wouldn't be able to get over his preferences either, and I would suspect we'd probably have other incompatibilities too. I think you can find someone that you click with on all the levels you did with him AND sex. Yes, I'm also suspecting there are other incompatibilities, cause how could we think and feel so similarly but have such a fundamental difference in how we want our sex life to look like? I can also imagine him having a strong need to spice it up in bed and I absolutely hate the pressure to constantly try to make sex "fun"... 3
Poutrew Posted July 20, 2017 Posted July 20, 2017 A cuck who is also into threesomes... yuck. Another thing to consider is that for threesomes to work, the duplicated gender needs to be bisexual. SO, is he into mmf of ffm? One way he is having sex with another man, the other way, you are doing it with another woman... right now, he realizes his mistake was being too bold too early and is in damage control mode. He wants you and will say anything to get you. However, after a few years of constant pressure, he figures to get you to cave just like he did his other women. Consider your soul at risk if you continue in this relationship. He'd probably make a good used car salesman. 2
Author Lorenza Posted July 20, 2017 Author Posted July 20, 2017 A cuck who is also into threesomes... yuck. Another thing to consider is that for threesomes to work, the duplicated gender needs to be bisexual. SO, is he into mmf of ffm? One way he is having sex with another man, the other way, you are doing it with another woman... right now, he realizes his mistake was being too bold too early and is in damage control mode. He wants you and will say anything to get you. However, after a few years of constant pressure, he figures to get you to cave just like he did his other women. Consider your soul at risk if you continue in this relationship. He'd probably make a good used car salesman. When we first talked about it, he explained that he gets off by feeling humiliated and needing to fight back. Like he needs to reclaim his woman. Threesomes should mostly be mmf apparently and it's all about the struggle for dominance again. He likes to be ignored and then need to best the other male in pleasing the woman. I wonder if it has to do with him having 3 brothers... As disturbing as it is to think about it, but I can imagine him competing with his brothers while growing up. Maybe its a trauma of sorts and it found a way into his sexual life? Ugh
No_Go Posted July 20, 2017 Posted July 20, 2017 And you're right not to believe him. Remember what drives him now - wanting to have sex with you. Plain and simple. I actually had a borderline cuckold boyfriend, he never actually did anything with me in that respect but was watching this type of porn... I suspected him being bisexual, he had a ton of issues... including molestation from a man when he was a child... I am probably biased because of this but still... why complicate your life so much when now you have a perfect chance to get out before getting invested... I have brought this up in a conversation tonight. Once again, he said it's not the end of the world if his partners isn't into that. Even got a bit offended that I might consider this a deal breaker. He wrote: "I'm not an animal, Lorenza. It's not like I can't control my instincts. If not being a cuckold is the price I have to pay for being with a great woman, so be it." I want to believe this, but I somehow don't. And the thought that he would want it turns me off because I'd like my man to have his blood boiling just by the thought of it. And at the same time I really like this one, which seems to be rare for me nowadays. Sucks 1
smackie9 Posted July 20, 2017 Posted July 20, 2017 There is nothing to discuss....he is out of the question for a relationship. Not the fact of what turns him on just the fact you are not into that...I say whatever floats your boat, just not in my ocean. 2
Michelle ma Belle Posted July 20, 2017 Posted July 20, 2017 I can also imagine him having a strong need to spice it up in bed and I absolutely hate the pressure to constantly try to make sex "fun"... Absolutely. Even if he knows cuckholding and threesomes are off the table, you can almost certainly except him to want to push the boundaries. Like I said, his sexual preference isn't easily satiated with vanilla sex 100% of the time. And being traditional and vanilla will only make this process more frustrating...for both of you...eventually. Having sexual desires that go well beyond the traditional and vanilla doesn't make a person a monster or automatically disqualifies them as productive members of society. You'd be surprised what 'normal' people get up to behind closed doors, myself included. The sad reality is that those of us who enjoy non traditional sex, although not something that needs to happen all the time, very often won't be satisfied with vanilla missionary sex in the dark a couple of times a week for all eternity. This is all part of sexual compatibility. If the idea of him possibly wanting to spice things up in the bedroom in the future makes you anxious, regardless of what that may be, then you need not continue any further with this guy. I really don't see how this will work long term. Sorry hun. 1
preraph Posted July 20, 2017 Posted July 20, 2017 I'm not the kind of girl to explore my sexuallity and experiment with different things... I'm an old-fashioned one who's mostly into vanilla sex, so trying that out is completely unimaginable to me. Can't believe he's into that. When we first spoke about our values he said all the right things. His parents have been happily married for 30 years so he says he wants to follow in their footsteps and have a big family, children. We talked a lot about relationships not lasting anymore and how shallow people are while picking their partner. About mental and spiritual connection. And then bam - cuckold! Why?? Sex in general is probably the most important thing or focus for a man, so whatever his fetish is is a high priority with him, so he's desperately seeking people to participate but few will. He will probably have to settle for prostitutes. And again, this is assuming this isn't just some story to legitimize him pimping you out. I would be very worried about that. Please just block him and don't let him near you and if you see him coming around your home or something like that, call the police. 2
umirano Posted July 20, 2017 Posted July 20, 2017 The amount of projecting going on in this thread is amazing. Lorenza, the mostly elder and sexually conservative women chiming in are not wrong in their conclusion that this guy and you aren't probably a good match. However I find it quite rude to suggest he plans on prostituting Lorenza or is somehow a danger to himself or others. I thought he was quite nice and open. Many people do not open up to love interests. I think you should thank him for his openness and tell him that you're not what he's looking for. Why is it that in these threads always such cheap shots are taken at people who can't defend themselves? 6
Miss Spider Posted July 20, 2017 Posted July 20, 2017 (edited) Sex in general is probably the most important thing or focus for a man, so whatever his fetish is is a high priority with him, so he's desperately seeking people to participate but few will. He will probably have to settle for prostitutes. And again, this is assuming this isn't just some story to legitimize him pimping you out. I would be very worried about that. Please just block him and don't let him near you and if you see him coming around your home or something like that, call the police. Peraph, I love your posts. That escalation., But yeah, this is why you don't bring up your kinks until it's too late, like the 20th date. Sounds like a deal breaker Edited July 20, 2017 by Cookiesandough
preraph Posted July 20, 2017 Posted July 20, 2017 (edited) Peraph, I love your posts. That escalation., But yeah, this is why you don't bring up your kinks until it's too late, like the 20th date. Sounds like a deal breaker I actually see a lot of human trafficking trial transcripts and hear all the details, so it's real to me and it's unfortunately not a rare thing, and the young and innocent are prime targets. But either way, he's skeevy, so it's a no-brainer. A new trend now is girls being lured into sex trafficking by other women. Edited July 20, 2017 by preraph 2
Mkn1010 Posted July 21, 2017 Posted July 21, 2017 I'm not the kind of girl to explore my sexuallity and experiment with different things... I'm an old-fashioned one who's mostly into vanilla sex, so trying that out is completely unimaginable to me. Can't believe he's into that. When we first spoke about our values he said all the right things. His parents have been happily married for 30 years so he says he wants to follow in their footsteps and have a big family, children. We talked a lot about relationships not lasting anymore and how shallow people are while picking their partner. About mental and spiritual connection. And then bam - cuckold! Why?? Awww I'm so sorry girl! I'm exactly the same as you and this would just be a complete an utter NO for me! Is that the kind of husband you imagined being with you and cherishing you? Uggghhh sucks that you like him so much, I totally know the feeling, I once walked in the total opposite direction of a guy I really liked because he told me he was into 'rimming' (yes, I'm really conservative but I only want to have sex with my partner in a way that allows us to express our love and spiritual connection with one another). I don't envy your position here....all the best no matter what you decide to do! 1
Author Lorenza Posted July 21, 2017 Author Posted July 21, 2017 Sex in general is probably the most important thing or focus for a man, so whatever his fetish is is a high priority with him, so he's desperately seeking people to participate but few will. He will probably have to settle for prostitutes. And again, this is assuming this isn't just some story to legitimize him pimping you out. I would be very worried about that. Please just block him and don't let him near you and if you see him coming around your home or something like that, call the police. Oh no, I really doubt it's anything more than a fetish. He said they'd carefully select a guy and it was his exes that chose for themselves. Besides he has a very well-paid job and I don't think someone like that would risk their life for a shady business. I saw his family pictures on Facebook - everything's out in the open. 1
Author Lorenza Posted July 21, 2017 Author Posted July 21, 2017 Well now he says he's even willing to go talk to a shrink cause "he understands there's something f up about the things that arouses him". I just don't know... This feels like too much work :/ 1
Maggie4 Posted July 21, 2017 Posted July 21, 2017 Ok, so I have a fetish too. But it's not something I have to act on. His speech about not being an animal, etc. is valid. However, I don't tell potential partners about it, because it is NOT important. The act of telling it changes your relationship. It is not worth it to test the waters. The fact that he told you, tells you it IS important enough for him. So I don't think this is going to work out. I had a boyfriend, who one day wore my bra and ruined it. Turns out he's into dressing in women's lingerie. But it's not an obsessive thing, so he only did that one time. I got mad he stretched out one of my favorite bras and ruined it. The fetish need not define your relationship. It's only when someone is obsessive about it. And there can be addiction in vanilla sex too.
Gaeta Posted July 21, 2017 Posted July 21, 2017 Well now he says he's even willing to go talk to a shrink cause "he understands there's something f up about the things that arouses him". I just don't know... This feels like too much work :/ Lorenza, please let it be someone else's problem. Drop this guy, he's not for you. Let him find someone suited for him and go on with your search. This guy is into all types of incompatible sex and if he abandons it for you eventually he'll cheat to get satisfied. You don't want to live a life of always wondering if he's happy or if he's seeking his pleasure elsewhere. It's only 4 dates, please end it. If he insists, and he will, block and delete him. You are at a crossroad here. You search for a compatible partner or you pick this one and end up miserable.
kendahke Posted July 21, 2017 Posted July 21, 2017 What do you think? What should I do?? I really like him, but this threw me off balance... Keep him as a friend but don't get any more emotionally invested with him than you already are. Two ex's are in his rear view mirror, which more than likely means he tried this out on them and they balked. He's entitled to his preferences and you are entitled to yours--thing is yours and his are a universe apart and no amount of burying you head in the sand and continuing with him in a romantic vein is going to change this. So if being completely exclusive with no 3rd parties is an "I will walk" bottom line for you, make life simple and stress free: stop investing any more energy into him or trying to get him to shake off his preference. It will come to the fore the moment he has an opportunity to realize it and it might be when you're not around.
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