Was I a Rebound?

[GoBroncs1983]

I met a girl. On Tinder. I only mention that because within minutes of us "matching" she messaged me first, saying she was hoping we would match up. She liked practically anything I said, found it sexy, agreed with me, etc. Within an hour or so she was asking to meet up. Wow, I have never had a Tinder match go this smoothly.

 

She's 29 (I'm 35) and lives about 45 minutes away in a college town and is a bartender at a brewpub. We meet there two days later and continue to hit it off, make out in my car, go to dinner, then back to her place to make out some more (no sex that night) and we were off and running.

 

We dated for the next six weeks, and did many things together. Date nights out at a restaurant, baseball games, movies, hanging out at each other's houses. The sex was fantastic. She was very talkative, almost annoying to a point, but I enjoyed the conversations. We never had a disagreement, or a fight.

 

She spoke of her ex-boyfriend of six years only in passing, if we had conversations about relationships, always speaking of him in a "I'm glad I'm out of that relationship" kind of way. He's a line cook at a local restaurant in her town, an on again off again alcoholic (he has "gotten sober" several times), they went to couples therapy together, he even proposed to her when she was about to break up with him. That extended the relationship another month. He refused to talk to her after the breakup, which was five months before she met me.

 

This girl seemed REALLY into me, telling me how much she liked me, she would buy me gifts, and make little homemade cards to go along with them about how sexy she thought I was. Tons of "I miss you" texts back and forth. Two days before the breakup, she had a two hour iPhone FaceTime conversation with me about how she couldn't wait to give me my birthday gift, among other things mentioned above.

 

Then, on Monday, after texting all day about missing me and having to cancel getting together because of a death in the family, she texts me at 5:15 asking if she can talk to me. Keep in mind 45 minutes earlier she was her usual self, saying the things I mentioned above.

 

She calls, and says she can't see me anymore, that she recently reconnected with her ex and they are going to try and work it out. Immediately, a giant "OF COURSE" washes over me. This was all too easy from the start. I ask her why she would lie to me until this point, as obviously she didn't JUST reconnect with him. She says she didn't lie, that she never cancelled with me to go be with him, blah blah blah, and at this point I cut her off, saying I don't need an explanation. She says, "you are mad at me, but I really would like to be friends." We then ended the call. When I got home, I saw she had already unfriended me on Facebook. No contact either way since.

 

It stings, and still does 3 days later, but I'll survive. I'm lucky I got to enjoy being with her for those six weeks, and it was bliss the entire time. I'm sad it won't continue, but I've been through MUCH worse, relationship wise. Check my post history.

 

I'm posting this here for two reasons:

 

1: I process the ending of relationships by trying to look at it from a psychological way - why did it happen? How did she go from being so into me to back to the ex in seemingly an instant? And of course, as with my last relationship where I was dumped, she went to a guy who I consider to be worse than me. I'm a college graduate professional making 45k a year in my own downtown apartment. He's an alcoholic restaurant cook. Her uncle had died over the weekend, as well as two former co-workers. Maybe she longed for the past after experiencing loss or something. Anyone else gone through this sort of thing?

 

2: I immediately said to myself after hanging up (do people actually do that anymore) the phone with her - "I guess I was a rebound." But was I, really? She brought me gifts, she said she was very into me, called me sexy and cute over and over, the sex was amazing, I felt we really had a connection. She would pay for dinner many times, once when the bill was over $60.00. She was a thoughtful, well read, sweet person. But at the end I felt like I was duped. But would a rebound deserve everything she gave me? Was she planning/hoping to go back to the ex the entire time?

 

 

Thoughts, advice, and lectures are welcome. Thanks!

[dumbass2]

The easy and most obvious answer is that yes, you were a rebound. Sounds like she may have come on a bit too strong and was pursuing you a little too much. The gifts and money were nothing. Her feelings were still with her ex the whole time she was with you. It's easy for some people to show and act one way and it doesn't mean the same to them that it may to you. My last ex did that while she has just broke up with her ex and continued to stay in contact with him as he pursued her. Things started fast with us the first 3 months and didn't work out in the end, though she didn't go back to the ex, but she wasn't over him when she met me. I'm one who is generally a pessimist when it comes to second chances so I doubt things will work with her ex and she may be back to try and use you again when that happens. At least now you know how she works so you know not to go there again.

Edited July 20, 2017 by dumbass2

[smackie9]

Hate to say this but....that will learn ya. 5 months is not long enough, and when you hear "we tried couples counseling" that means they were very invested in this relationship despite the issues she claimed. She tried to erase him by dating you. He reached out to her that's why she flipped back.

[Greenhawk84]

Well just remember that women operate from emotion vs. logic and reason. It doesn't matter what you make a year, if she has the connection with this other guy then that's where she wants to go. Some women love the "logically wrong" guy but it's totally right for her, as it should be in life anyway.

 

 

I guess you should not have invested so much up front. But at least you had a good time, good sex, etc. She may just come knocking again when her and the other dude probably don't work out. If not, oh well, you seem to have your **** together. Good luck!

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, you were a rebound.

 

The gifts and dinners were kind, but it's also not hard to spend money and give compliments to someone whose company you enjoy. I have a feeling she was (subconsciously) going through the motions of having a relationship in an attempt to fill the void her ex left. The homemade cards and long FaceTime conversations are likely things she did with him too, so doing them with someone else brought her a measure of comfort. It's a type of projection.

 

She liked you well enough, but she was also trying to heal from her breakup and fill the void. She was too fresh off a long and clearly serious relationship to be dating anyone yet, unfortunately. She might not even have really realized it herself until she got involved with you and her ex came sniffing around again. You have a lot of good going for you, but she has a lot of history and emotional ties to her ex. That's where her heart is. She isn't thinking about your job, your salary, your housing. She's thinking about the guy she was in love with for a long time and wanted a future with.

[SevenCity]

As stated, yes you were a rebound.

 

But I don't think she was lying. In her mind she meant all the stuff she did.

 

Women do and say stuff by what they are feeling in that moment. It can change quickly as you've experienced.

 

It's hard not to get tied up in a girl doing everything right but you have to always realize she can leave at anytime. Especially when an ex is involved.

 

Her also saying she's glad she is out of that RL sounds more like she was trying to convince herself more than you.

 

Sometimes you do everything right and it goes to crap anyway.

 

Only advice is to not get too invested until a year of stability.

[GoBroncs1983]

Based on my past experiences (ex-girlfriend with Borderline Personality Disorder who broke up with me 7 times in 5 years), I have learned not to get emotionally invested in a woman right away. It's why I was able to end two relationships after her, since I was able to look at things more objectively.

 

With this recent ex, I felt what I call "pangs" of love or affection toward her. I enjoyed my time with her, but I feel that my recovery from this will be swift. I'm more in a "what the hell? She was VERY into me it seemed!" mode than in a mode of wanting her back or wishing I could somehow convince her otherwise. I don't really care about that. I just wonder why.

 

I get that she has a history with the ex, and well, I've heard it happen to others all the time. He also lives in the same town as her, and even lived with her for most of the six years they were together. The deaths in her family over the weekend probably triggered something. Or maybe she was just waiting for him to reach out the entire time, even though she says she dumped him.

 

I appreciate the ideas that she was just doing what she would normally do with him, but with me. She said that she said "yes" to his engagement primarily because she doesn't like disappointing people. I think she enjoyed showering me with affection and gifts. But ultimately, she was ready to jump back to the ex as soon as he was ready.

 

I just wouldn't go all out like she did unless I REALLY liked another person. Which is why I'm shocked that she could literally snap back to him and cut me off cold. Harsh! But I'll live.

 

Two things I remember - she told me that no one has ever treated her more kindly than I have. I wasn't TRYING to be nice, I just am. And of course, nice guys finish last, I guess. She says, "guys have been nice to me in the past, but you are on a whole other level!" I guess I shouldn't have taken that as a compliment.

 

And when she would talk about the ex, how she stayed with him after he "got sober" numerous times, how they went to therapy together, she would always say, "I had invested 4/5/6 years into the relationship. I wasn't going to let it die without trying."

 

Well, I guess she's trying again. But one thing I have learned about relationships more than anything is that if it's broken over and over, it's likely broken for good. I'm not expecting to hear from her again, but time will tell.

[No_Go]

Of course you were a rebound. She was with him 6!! years, nearly marred him, went to couples therapy an all the jazz, and you show up nly 5 months later and expect not to be a rebound???

 

I took exactly 9 months after my under 2 year long relationship, before even dreaming of dating. Even now is probably too early, but I though I'm sort of ready. If I was dating someone 6!! years a full 4 seasons would be the bare minimum to go on a date with someone else.

 

Lesson learned - go to women that are actually emotionally available if you want to avoid similar situations in the future.

[Bastile]

I think the real mistake you made was in not spinning any other plates.

 

Best to have one stable girl, and at least another option. And be cultivating some others. It slows down her game, and it stops you from over-investing (among many many other things).

 

From that mentality, you think "6 months, a good innings".

 

From the mentality of settling into her being your only option, you think "6 months, why did she break it off with me?".

 

When she wanted to "still be friends", that is looking to keep you as a fall-back guy, which you really wouldn't have cared about from that position, either.

[Blanco]

Some people try to get over long-term relationships by quickly seeking and finding the next one. I think it can work for people who are bit more detached (or "emotionally unavailable"), but for the rest, this is just a lot of future-faking in an attempt to mask the pain the fallout of a long-term breakup would bring.

[No_Go]

Some people try to get over long-term relationships by quickly seeking and finding the next one. I think it can work for people who are bit more detached (or "emotionally unavailable"), but for the rest, this is just a lot of future-faking in an attempt to mask the pain the fallout of a long-term breakup would bring.

 

I think the people that you are referring as 'a bit more detached' are somewhere on the scale of sociopathy. I can't imagine anyone showing any amount of empathy to get out of a long term relationship (year or longer) and to be ready to bite on the next target ...

[Blanco]

I think the people that you are referring as 'a bit more detached' are somewhere on the scale of sociopathy. I can't imagine anyone showing any amount of empathy to get out of a long term relationship (year or longer) and to be ready to bite on the next target ...

 

Possibly. I try not to label my exes, but one of mine was fascinating to me in that she could operate this way. She's a good person, a solid mother, and capable of real compassionate moments. But she was poor at showing affection with any regularity, and mentioned more than once that it "was like there's a part of [me] missing" in reference to struggling to show affection or be overly emotionally invested.

 

It was kind of jarring to hear her admit, because like I said, she's a good person. I remember after we split having a talk where she thought finally understood what being emotionally unavailable was, and that she realized she was. She saw it as a positive, though, because, as she put it, "You don't get too hurt that way if something ends."

[fieldoflavender]

It's called protecting yourself - it's not exactly sociopathic. Sociopathic means not caring if someone is hurt in a serious way or hurting others on purpose with no pain/guilt.

 

Usually people have been hurt in the past - so they don't like getting hurt again. And it takes longer for them to trust again. It doesn't mean that they are necessarily sociopathic people.

[Blanco]

It's called protecting yourself - it's not exactly sociopathic. Sociopathic means not caring if someone is hurt in a serious way or hurting others on purpose with no pain/guilt.

 

Usually people have been hurt in the past - so they don't like getting hurt again. And it takes longer for them to trust again. It doesn't mean that they are necessarily sociopathic people.

 

This is a good point. The aforementioned ex had shared with me that after her first serious breakup, it was "like something turned off" and she was able to pick up the pieces and move to the next relationship after subsequent breakups.

 

Not a technique that would work for me, but it has seemed to work OK for her. I think she's more pragmatic, knowing that most relationships do not last, so she's the kind to just try to enjoy it now and not deem it a success or failure based simply on whether or not it lasts forever.

[No_Go]

Showing affection is a different thing - you can be VERY emotionally invested and show no affection or just show it in a way the other can't comprehend...

 

But changing people like they are disposables disregarding THEIR feelings is IMO not normal. The downtime after break up IMO is also to show respect towards the person you were with and mourn & let them mourn the relationship that ended.

 

Possibly. I try not to label my exes, but one of mine was fascinating to me in that she could operate this way. She's a good person, a solid mother, and capable of real compassionate moments. But she was poor at showing affection with any regularity, and mentioned more than once that it "was like there's a part of [me] missing" in reference to struggling to show affection or be overly emotionally invested.

 

It was kind of jarring to hear her admit, because like I said, she's a good person. I remember after we split having a talk where she thought finally understood what being emotionally unavailable was, and that she realized she was. She saw it as a positive, though, because, as she put it, "You don't get too hurt that way if something ends."

[No_Go]

I guess it is a good thing that they are protecting their own feelings but the lack of empathy shows in not respecting the feelings of their ex partner.

 

I can be moved on from a situation but I still want to make sure that the other side of the situation (ex partner, ex friend etc) is moved on as well before 'replacing' them. It is just a common sense respect to someone that was once a significant part of your life. Just honoring the past.

 

It's called protecting yourself - it's not exactly sociopathic. Sociopathic means not caring if someone is hurt in a serious way or hurting others on purpose with no pain/guilt.

 

Usually people have been hurt in the past - so they don't like getting hurt again. And it takes longer for them to trust again. It doesn't mean that they are necessarily sociopathic people.

[SevenCity]

I guess it is a good thing that they are protecting their own feelings but the lack of empathy shows in not respecting the feelings of their ex partner.

 

I can be moved on from a situation but I still want to make sure that the other side of the situation (ex partner, ex friend etc) is moved on as well before 'replacing' them. It is just a common sense respect to someone that was once a significant part of your life. Just honoring the past.

 

Wow - I've never heard anyone say that before.

 

To clarify, if you broke up with a guy you would wait until he was moved on before you started dating anyone else?

 

I can't say I do the same. Life is short - I want to move on ASAP. I don't want to let an ex (especially if they were horrible or if they left me) impede my moving on. I don't feel any need nor desire to wait for them. Actually, I don't want to know anything about them. They are dead to me.

 

I commend you.

[fieldoflavender]

You can't expect people to put their life on hold until you are ready to move on. And vice versa. You have to be able to move on when you are, and what they do is their business. it doesn't concern you anymore. They don't have to "respect you" by staying single.

[Been]

In the future this is a trick you need to learn- if you are on a date and your date mentions their ex more then 3 times RUN.

If yo find out that they got out of a relationship lasting a year or more-dont get serious. Chances are they at some point will try to get back together with the ex.

[SevenCity]

In the future this is a trick you need to learn- if you are on a date and your date mentions their ex more then 3 times RUN.

If yo find out that they got out of a relationship lasting a year or more-dont get serious. Chances are they at some point will try to get back together with the ex.

 

Good advice, but why is it for all the stories like this guys on this board rarely get that second chance?

 

I can't count the number of dates I've been on where she mentioned an ex. It doesn't mean they will get back together necessarily, but it does mean they are damaged goods.

 

I had one girl texting before our first date saying how hurt she was and how her and the guy used to spend the weekend in the city and spend all day in bed! Yea, had to cancel that date lol.