Providing too much security?

[Crosswords]

So I'm the type of guy who gives constant reassurance and I love easily. It's super easy for me to communicate and I never want my girl to fret about anything as I value positivity and clear communication very much. It's rooted in the fact my parents got divorced because of lack of communication.

 

I find I openly express easily. I send goodmorning texts and goodnight texts, and I tell her I miss her, i love her. I always make plans and stay on top of our weekly ritual of goal setting every Sunday. I initiate phone calls and pick her up often. I help with making her life easier - assisting with her chores and stuff, making sure she can get places on time. I make things about her. I do all of these because I lover her.

 

However, I don't want my girlfriend to get bored. Or take me for granted. But I always want to be there for her, because I honestly like doing all these things; I'm not a lush over nor do I want to be viewed as one. However I want her to initiate calls more or do more, and maybe think about me as much as I think about her. Sometime I feel she thinks about herself before she thinks about me. And I know when one person is doing a lot, the other tends to do slightly less and this plays in to security, I think.. this is why balance is so important. Although quite difficult to always have and maintain.

 

So I came across this article and wanted to get a dialogue about this going. Hear people's perspectives.

 

Most recent example: last night I sent a text that said

"Time for bed.. goodnight! Hope your flight is smooth ". And then a kiss face emoji right after.

I sent this because it would make her feel good to know I was thinking of her, and also to express part of my love.

 

She read the text but didn't reply. And this struck me as odd because, in my mind entering hers.. she maybe expected I would say that, so it came across as 'he's secure and I expected that. I can not respond and he will still be there". But the fact she didn't respond showed that she didn't really care if I woke

Up to an equally sweet text or not.

Maybe?

Maybe I put too much pressure on the small things?

 

Let me know your thoughts on this topic.. here is an attached article.

 

 

I don't think my girlfriend is bored. But I think she knows she is really secure in our relationship and that I wouldn't do anything to jeprodize things (I've also told her that)..

I'm wondering for you ladies.. if knowing you're really secure in a relationship; does this lead to you wanting to walk away or get bored? is being with a secure guy a bad thing?

 

 

[]

Edited July 20, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
URL removed ~6

[smackie9]

Your GF has been kissing another guy......boredom isn't the issues, the issue is that she kissed another guy and deny sleeping with him...and the fact you are being a doormat.

[knabe]

It is never okay to withhold love and care for someone you love and care for to "keep them guessing," keep them in their place, keep them on their toes, or make sure they know how good they have it. That is manipulation and game playing.

 

That said....don't waste perfectly good love on someone who isn't faithful.

[Crosswords]

Haha what?

 

I don't think she isn't faithful at all... where did you guys come up with that in my story?

[Miss Spider]

Agree...she kissed a guy while she was seeing you. Not cool. That's what you should be worrying about, not an ignored goodnight text.

[Crosswords]

What is making people here think she kissed or slept with ankther guy?!

[Zahara]

What is making people here think she kissed or slept with ankther guy?!

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/624751-she-kissed-another-guy

[Crosswords]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/624751-she-kissed-another-guy

 

Ohh gotcha.

 

We dealt with that. She told me everything that happened with him. I read the messages, etc. They did sleep together. And she told me it was a mistake. I believe her. It was brutally honest, but to defend her decision a little here, we were not exclusive yet.. And I can appreciate her telling me the truth about that; even has hard as it's been to get over that. Her telling me shows me she's honest. However that's the past. I don't see what that has to do with 2.5 months down the line?

 

 

But that's not what I'm talking about here..

[Zahara]

Ohh gotcha.

 

We dealt with that. She told me everything that happened with him. I read the messages, etc. They did sleep together. And she told me it was a mistake. I believe her. It was brutally honest, but to defend her decision a little here, we were not exclusive yet.. And I can appreciate her telling me the truth about that; even has hard as it's been to get over that. Her telling me shows me she's honest. However that's the past. I don't see what that has to do with 2.5 months down the line?

 

 

But that's not what I'm talking about here..

 

Yes, you both were not exclusive. True.

 

I have nothing to add to this post but it's not a good thing that she initially lied and said she never slept with him. She never told you the truth. You had to read her messages to get to the truth.

 

It speaks of her character.

[Crosswords]

Yes, you both were not exclusive. True.

 

I have nothing to add to this post but it's not a good thing that she initially lied and said she never slept with him. She never told you the truth. You had to read her messages to get to the truth.

 

It speaks of her character.

 

Maybe that was a misncommunication on my part here..

 

She came out and told me about the fact she slept with him. I never had to snoop to get the answers. She admitted it because she didn't want a relationship built on guilt and trust.

 

It happened. We got past it. I don't get why it's being resurfaced here in a different topic?

[Miss Spider]

Because exclusive discussion or not, people who are really interested in you AND monogamy don't sleep with and kiss other people after they've been seeing you a bit. It's a huge red flag. I wouldn't be able to trust a guy fully after he came to me with that and I would probably start reading into every little text/lack of too

[d0nnivain]

Crosswords

 

Being a stable guy who shows his partner that she is loved & valued by word & deed is generally a good thing. However, when that partner is seeking excitement, the good guy who does all the things you describe comes off like an unattractive doormat.

 

Especially early in a relationship 2 texts per day plus doing her chores & making sure she gets places on time seems smothering. You are her BF, not her housekeeper, chauffeur, parent or conscience. Presumably she took care of herself & managed her own life before meeting you. Let her continue doing so.

 

BFs are supposed to be exciting -- romance, mystery etc. Husbands are supposed to be rock solid steady, always there for you. Stop jumping too fast towards the settled down aspects.

[kendahke]

Something I've read often and have come to understand its merits: The person who cares least in the relationship has the most power.

 

I'm not a lush over nor do I want to be viewed as one.

 

Lush is another way of referring to someone as a drunk/partier. Did you mean "pushover"?

 

Most recent example: last night I sent a text that said

"Time for bed.. goodnight! Hope your flight is smooth ". And then a kiss face emoji right after.

I sent this because it would make her feel good to know I was thinking of her, and also to express part of my love.

 

I don't doubt the sincerity of your motive, but IMO, seems it was sent because it would make you feel good to know if someone was thinking about you. It would appear that she doesn't think this by her lack of response. Has she still not responded to that text?

 

She read the text but didn't reply. And this struck me as odd because, in my mind entering hers

 

stop doing this. You can't possibly climb inside her head and direct traffic.

 

she maybe expected I would say that, so it came across as 'he's secure and I expected that. I can not respond and he will still be there". But the fact she didn't respond showed that she didn't really care if I woke

Up to an equally sweet text or not.

Maybe?

Maybe I put too much pressure on the small things?

 

Let me know your thoughts on this topic.. here is an attached article.

 

I know when I fly, right after I buckle in, I check for last minute texts and send my "on the plane, talk to you when I land" texts and put the phone on airplane mode. The fact that she read what you sent and left you twisting in the breeze says either she had issues at the gate or it was too much... like you're getting to the suffocating stage.

 

I think you are overcompensating for what you witnessed between your parents and you're doing it with someone who may be feeling overwhelmed by things you think should feel good to her because it would feel good to you.

 

I don't think my girlfriend is bored. But I think she knows she is really secure in our relationship and that I wouldn't do anything to jeprodize things (I've also told her that)..

I'm wondering for you ladies.. if knowing you're really secure in a relationship; does this lead to you wanting to walk away or get bored? is being with a secure guy a bad thing?

 

I wouldn't call what you have a secure relationship. Being inundated with texts by someone who thinks they know my mind better than I do would get really old, really fast. I think your girlfriend is rapidly approaching her saturation point with that. Try backing off and not being so predictable and see how she responds.

[Miss Spider]

Haha what?

 

I don't think she isn't faithful at all...

 

 

That sounds so convincing

 

 

Anyway, there is nothing wrong with sending sweet messages to your loved one. It's not a turn off at all if she feels the same

Edited July 20, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[knabe]

In that case I will leave my comment at this:

 

"It is never okay to withhold love and care for someone you love and care for to "keep them guessing," keep them in their place, keep them on their toes, or make sure they know how good they have it. That is manipulation and game playing."

 

Yes, I know certain sites and certain genres of men say chicks want to be ignored and treated like crap, but someone with character isn't going to do that

[GemmaUK]

You said 'Time for bed'.

Any text with that in it I wouldn't reply to if I saw it later than right at the time it was sent - otherwise I may well wake the sender up.

 

As regards your general behaviour - personally I would find it smothering and quite suffocating - a big red flag and a turn off for me.

 

Also, realistically you seem to cover everything so there's not many times she could step up to do more even if she wanted to.

[Crosswords]

Thanks for all the input.

 

I think there is a part of me that is over-communicative as there are some

fears around this - which is a by product if my parents divorce. So I will be more conscious of how much I'm reaching out and reading in to things. And yea sometimes I send text to be re-affirmed she's thinking about me. Not the best; but I'm human and I can work on this.

 

I don't think I'm smothering or suffocating as I do value independence as does she does too. I give a little more for sure, and I can match her style in the future. And she's the type that would probably call me out on it. I could be acting a little needy for sure sometimes.

 

Realistically, her seeing that guy in the beginning stages did do some lasting damage to me. And there are parts of me that aren't fully trusting towards her or healed. Although I certainly want to be 100%. I don't hold it against her; it's conplicated why she did it. Really. I'm not just saying that to defend her.

 

But the fact is... it happened. She slept with another guy while seeing me. But she ultimately chose me. And that's more important than sleeping with some guy. Yes it sucks. But yes, I love her and we have a great connection. I don't want that issue to win out. What a shame that would be.

 

So now I look for a solution.. I've tried forgiving her in my mind, or learning more about why. I can understand the reasons, sure. But it doesn't cure. I haven't been able to fully move past it.

Does anyone have any solutions how to let it go? Or is this just a time thing and restarting with a new trust?

 

And before the suggestion comes to drop her.. that's not an option I would consider.

 

I don't know why I chalk up pressure to relationships or need her to send me missy faces or that. I do a lot of self work; I will look in to this for sure.

[SevenCity]

Dude, you need to back off if you don't want to lose her.

 

Though I agree with her character assessment having slept with another guy while you were dating, you seem to want to forgive that. I would not as it speaks volumes to her character and how she felt about you. If she was excited about you all she wouldn't be getting wet and spreading for another guy. Makes me

 

I digress.

 

You are doing exactly the right thing for her to lose those feelings for you. You have to be unpredictable and exciting. You are like an old pair of jeans. She has no incentive to do anything because you do it all and she knows you're not going anywhere.

 

I read so much about women wanting to be chased. What happens when they get it? They get bored. I've seen it here and in real life. Women hold more value for things that are not easy to come by. People in general do. That's why you are not giving rock salt on an engagement ring. It is easy to come by and has no value.

 

It was mentioned that the one who cares less has the power. This is true. What's not mentioned is women don't want that power. If they did, they would be asking out guys, picking them up for dates, and initiating sex. They want men to have that power.

 

It's not about treating them bad, rather it is making them work for you. They will have more respect for you and love you more as a result.

 

Nothing you are doing is encouraging this girl to put in any work. Why would she?

[olivetree]

A quality woman (for a relationship) wants a balance between security and excitement.

That means she wants a man to make her feel safe and loved, but also be exciting.

 

How to be exciting?

Have standards.

-Excel in your own life.

-Don't be a doormat.

-Be manly.

-Plan fun dates and surprise her from time to time.

 

A low quality woman (for a relationship) just wants excitement.

She's not going to appreciate the real you that likes to give a lot of love and receive it too.

 

Be careful not to give too much too soon.

If she never matches what you have to give, then perhaps she's not the girl for you.

 

In my opinion, the best partnerships are where you both give a lot of love, no game playing required.

[SammySammy]

Balance is the key to everything. She's not concerned about losing what will always be there.

 

Everything must be done well. I agree with that. Believe in treating my SO well. Just not slavishly so. Must also treat myself well and have some standards. When she knows (and cares) that she can lose you, then she might realize the need do what it takes to keep you.

 

There should be a balance.

[Versacehottie]

Yes, you both were not exclusive. True.

 

I have nothing to add to this post but it's not a good thing that she initially lied and said she never slept with him. She never told you the truth. You had to read her messages to get to the truth.

 

It speaks of her character.

 

Yes couldn't agree more to the bolded. There are people you meet in life that will take advantage if it is there to take. The fact that you provide a secure environment where she is probably pretty sure you are not going anywhere and overly do it with the communication, combined with the character of person she is is a perfect storm for her taking you for granted.

 

idk, from the initial post of this thread, I'll admit I was a bit bored myself (sorry!!). I just think that saying good morning and good night, i love you & stuff excessively will ring hollow if you are just making your way through a to do list of feeling like those things must be said. If they spring up organically in response to equal investment of the other person, the person feels like their investment is what got the "i love you" or whatever OTHERWISE they will take you for granted.

 

I didn't even know the previous thread where she cheated on you (maybe before you were exclusive so whatever version of cheating or dishonesty that is) and I would already say she is halfway out the door or going to play with you. Don't be so nice. Only give what you are getting. Good luck

 

*side note: character is everything. I would seriously reconsider or dump someone who showed poor character. It's just a matter of time before it pops up again.