I'm so torn and and need to get off the merry go round!

[headspin321]

Became a widow almost 6 years ago. Had a great marriage and always pictured myself with my late husband until we were really old. However, there was another plan and ever since I can't seem to make a final decision when it affects my personal life - it's like I lost all of my confidence in my judgment.

I have been seeing someone for 4 years and we have been on and off (due to me walking away). Long story short - I don't trust his personal judgment and credibility all the time - he says what I want to hear instead of the truth many times. However, he is very loving and we have very good chemistry and I do love him. But---he is in a difficult financial situation - unemployed but may get a job soon; but that job won't pay much....he has no savings or anything else and he is 65 and I'm 59 years old. I am a professional with a very good income and fairly sizable assets - however, I'll need those funds to support myself and help my 2 adult kids as well.

Every time I'm ready to break up for good - i stop short of that and the few times I did actually break it off, we ended up reconciling within a month or so. It's like my heart is saying one thing and my head another since I know he is a potential monetary liability for sure and I suppose i'm not convinced he wants me for what I have and not just who I am.

Now he wants to marry me as soon as he gets a job, including the one which which doesn't pay much and he keeps on saying how happy he is that his life is going so well. But I am so torn over this and know that I'll end up carrying him forever.

i met someone else in the interim who is kind, highly educated (like me), and settled both financially and emotionally. Trouble is the "passion" part is no where as satisfying as with my old bf and he leave a distance from me and because of work, neither of us can move for at least 2 years.

I just want to be settled with a partner already move forward with the rest of my life, but I want to know that it is with the right partner and recognize no one is perfect, including me.

Help please.

[smackie9]

OK you have a couple of choices here. Get out of this relationship and find someone you are financially in the same place...secure for retirement. It's a no brainer what's going to happen if you marry. You will be supporting him for the rest of your life even if you divorce he can apply for alimony and take half yer stuff.

 

Or you can toss caution into the wind and be ok with supporting the both of you into retirement.

 

Is it not obvious he isn't stable enough financially for what you expect???

[BaileyB]

I'm so sorry that life hasn't exactly turned out the way that you would have wanted... It's hard sometimes when we find ourselves on a different path then what we've intended.

 

I would be very leary of the man who has the financial issues. You have worked very hard in your life to set yourself up well... there is absolutely no reason to feel guilty about wanting to protect your financial assets. Absolutely no way, would I want to be supporting a man at this stage of my life after I have worked hard and been responsible with my money. If you do decide to marry or cohabitate, I would suggest that you visit a lawyer and make a financial agreement that will protect your assets, for you and your children.

 

I think the bigger issue is trust. You don't trust this man completely and for that reason alone, I would not marry him or move in with him.

 

As for the other guy, there needs to be attraction and you must enjoy spending time with him. "Passion" can be over-rated, especially as we get older... What do you want for your retirement? For me, it would be more important to me at this stage of life to find someone I enjoy spending time with, someone who likes to go out and travel, someone who I can talk with and who makes me laugh, and someone on whom I feel that I can trust and depend on...

 

Best wishes.

Edited July 20, 2017 by BaileyB

[MountainGirl111]

Do you want passion or do you want settled? Many times those do overlap, but here's a thought: That "passion" you're feeling now for the one guy? It can decrease as time goes on and reality sets in. There are a lot of things that rob relationships of passion. Just something to think about.

[BaileyB]

I'm guessing that the passion you are feeling won't be as strong when you are paying his bills and paying his way when you travel in retirement...

[preraph]

There is just no reason to marry this guy. A lot of people would not consider getting married at an older age for practical reasons. He is bringing nothing tot he table except he's a companion. He's not working and at his age, he may have trouble ever getting any kind of decent job. I'm 64, so I know what it's like. You feel he isn't really genuine and at some point, that will break down, probably.

 

It's fine to just keep seeing him, but I would tell him you don't ever plan on getting married again.

[kendahke]

Became a widow almost 6 years ago. Had a great marriage and always pictured myself with my late husband until we were really old. However, there was another plan and ever since I can't seem to make a final decision when it affects my personal life - it's like I lost all of my confidence in my judgment.

I have been seeing someone for 4 years and we have been on and off (due to me walking away). Long story short - I don't trust his personal judgment and credibility all the time - he says what I want to hear instead of the truth many times. However, he is very loving and we have very good chemistry and I do love him. But---he is in a difficult financial situation - unemployed but may get a job soon; but that job won't pay much....he has no savings or anything else and he is 65 and I'm 59 years old. I am a professional with a very good income and fairly sizable assets - however, I'll need those funds to support myself and help my 2 adult kids as well.

Every time I'm ready to break up for good - i stop short of that and the few times I did actually break it off, we ended up reconciling within a month or so. It's like my heart is saying one thing and my head another since I know he is a potential monetary liability for sure and I suppose i'm not convinced he wants me for what I have and not just who I am.

Now he wants to marry me as soon as he gets a job, including the one which which doesn't pay much and he keeps on saying how happy he is that his life is going so well. But I am so torn over this and know that I'll end up carrying him forever.

i met someone else in the interim who is kind, highly educated (like me), and settled both financially and emotionally. Trouble is the "passion" part is no where as satisfying as with my old bf and he leave a distance from me and because of work, neither of us can move for at least 2 years.

I just want to be settled with a partner already move forward with the rest of my life, but I want to know that it is with the right partner and recognize no one is perfect, including me.

Help please.

 

I'm sorry for the loss of your dear husband.

 

My advice: Keep boyfriend in the boyfriend status and make sure your will is explicit in that your children are your sole beneficiaries; if you do feel like you want to marry him, make him sign a prenup that he gets only a small portion and that your children with be the executor of the bulk of your estate.

 

Harsh as it may be to do, I think you need to tell BF1 exactly what you said here about your reluctance to marry him. I've had too many friends who had sizable assets when they entered into their marriages only to have their husbands go through it like Grant took Richmond and leave them with little to none and now that those husbands are dead or divorced and moved on, my friends are the place of scrounging for and worrying about their own retirements.

 

As to BF2, make no decisions about him for 2 years. No sense in rushing anything there. See if passion doesn't ignite... if it doesn't, he's a guy you can have wonderful intellectual conversations with and possibly be a nice vacation buddy.

[Gr8fuln2020]

There is just no reason to marry this guy. A lot of people would not consider getting married at an older age for practical reasons. He is bringing nothing tot he table except he's a companion. He's not working and at his age, he may have trouble ever getting any kind of decent job. I'm 64, so I know what it's like. You feel he isn't really genuine and at some point, that will break down, probably.

 

It's fine to just keep seeing him, but I would tell him you don't ever plan on getting married again.

 

Or pretending to be a married couple, as some do....in common law marriage states may regard you as 'married' if you sound like a duck and act like a duck.

 

I am certain it won't come to that as you will prudently walk away.