Finlandia Posted July 20, 2017 Posted July 20, 2017 Hey guys, sort have resorted to this forum for advice since I don't really have anyone in my real life that I can talk about my situation with. I'm sorry if this becomes a long post and i might end up rambling but... here we go. So... I was with my boyfriend for almost three years and about two weeks ago he decided to end it in a tearful, angry and unexpected moment. From the very beginning, my boyfriend knew that I had certain limitations - in the past my stereotypical strict father of particular Mediterranean origins has forbidden me from spending a night with another boy. He's also hated pretty much every single boy I've ever been with and the last thing I wanted was to make my father hate one more person. The BF was very understanding of this and was okay with the fact that even to this day he had not met my parents. Even though I am almost 25 (he is 26) the last thing I want to do is rebel against my father, even if his expectations of me seem unjust to most people. But to those of my culture are more understanding. Anyway. Some person crap happened in le boyfriends life and he was forced to move out of one place and moved in with his father. Everything seemed fine, he seemed quite happier... at least in the beginning. Apparently a constant topic of discussion between the boyfriend and his father has been me - in regards to my parents. They eventually started getting into arguments about me, the BF started questioning me (an at times in an aggressive tone, mind you) as to why I can't spend nights with him or have him meet my parents and it became a pretty common topic between us. He never used to lash out at me but over time he would bring this up out of nowhere and make me feel awful for it. What really doesn't help the situation is the fact that a year ago when my grandmother passed away, his father told him "if she does not invite you to the funeral, then dump her" In recent months, I began feeling more and more uncomfortable around his father and I stopped visiting him at home, which had put a strain on our time together. He works full time and I work over weekends so we only saw each other one night a week towards the end of it. Over time he has seemingly been spending more time with his friends than me - I have never condemned him for spending time with them, only when he picks friends over me and doesnt make it up to me. I personally don't like spending time with them because it's usually a big group and I am shy and very anti-social. Over the last couple months when we would go out, we would hang with his friends and he would completely disappear on me for moments at a time, getting drunk with them and further eat into the time we had together. Our time together reduced significantly and the last time I saw him, at a party, I didn't feel comfortable anymore and I told him I was leaving. Followed me outside, saying in an angry tone he wanted to talk (he had a bit to drink) started getting angry at me for not even trying to socialise and then brought up everything that was troubling him about my parents... he dropped an ultimatum on me, basically to move in with him or we break up. Which I don't find fair at all, and I don't currently earn enough to even survive on my own - I've only just finished studying for a diploma. He couldn't handle this distance anymore even though he is supposedly going to be moving out of his father's house next month... he couldn't wait until then? I even feel him saying to me "love you always" is a lie. It's been two weeks since the break up and I straight away without any notice went into no contact. Five days later he texts me this: "I know the outcome the other night wasn't what we wanted and I was being a stubborn fool by not giving you a platform to stand on or have a chance to talk but I want it to be perfectly clear that I do love you and I always will. I dont know where that **** came from or what happened, I'm still trying to make sense of it. You treated me better than I did you, I probably could have done better for you. I hope we can try and sort things out and try to understand one another. Love you always." I haven't said anything besides "I'm still hurting but I appreciate you sending me that". I dont know what the hell is going on, I don't know what action to take besides continuing to focus on myself or what to make of anything. I have never given up on this idiot for much worse, I've done things for him that no one else ever had (EVER) and he was willing to give up on me over this? Is he straying because of a loss of interest over my personal issues? Is it stress from his home life or work or what? I have my suspicions but I'm emotionally angry and annoyed with everything that I probably can't even think logically... Any sort of insight would be great, some kind of explanation or opinions on the matter. Thank you for reading, if you made it this far... xx
Author Finlandia Posted July 22, 2017 Author Posted July 22, 2017 (edited) DP my own topic but I need to vent, otherwise I'll probably do something I might regret - such as angry texting my ex. Knowing that it has been over a week since he has sent that bleeping text to me and hasn't even reached out or anything to "fix things" makes my blood boil. I know all about the breadcrumbs tactics and all of that crap and that is what's convincing me that he is full of it. Does he want to fix things? No. He would have done something about it already. Does he love me like he says? lol no. Was he perhaps going through that stage of guilt when he sent that? Possibly, so it's also likely that if I were to confront him right now about it, he would say "I meant it at the time" which is honestly the worst excuse... you are basically admitting you're a liar. If I get the overwhelming urge to angry text him, I should write it out but not send it. Perhaps rant on this thread. I've seen others do it, hopefully that is okay. So if I sound vicious in my writing.... it's because I am so damn angry over this BS and how it went down! That is my only excuse. Okay, I'm done. Edited July 22, 2017 by Finlandia
fieldoflavender Posted July 22, 2017 Posted July 22, 2017 Write it out - I wrote to my ex for an entire month - and now I don't have the urge to write anymore to him. I never sent it to him. I wanted to so badly in the past 2 months, but I'm more than glad I did not. Because once someone has shown their true colours, you don't need to re-hash anything with them - they won't believe you and use it against you to hurt you more. And to be honest, they don't even deserve to hear your thoughts anymore. Just cut them out of your life. As for saying they love you forever - oh people say all sorts of things, but then sometimes it hits them. They don't want it anymore. I actually did the same thing after the break-up and I didn't do it intentionally but I for sure heck didn't do as many times as my ex did to me during the relationship. He probably told me he wouldn't leave me like 2 times a day. And look at what happened. I told him I would wait for him no matter how many years it took - but guess what, I don't love him anymore after what he did. Love is not always unconditional. Maybe I'm jaded - but at least I know my love was not. And often it is not in today's reality. And the sooner we believe that - the less hard we will be on ourselves. 1
dumbass2 Posted July 22, 2017 Posted July 22, 2017 Remember this always when it comes to romantic relationships. Someone can still have love for you and say that they still love you, but they are no longer "in love" with you in a romantic way. 1
SammySammy Posted July 22, 2017 Posted July 22, 2017 This is like one of those divorces for "irreconcilable differences". It doesn't mean you didn't or don't love each other. It means the situation is unworkable. And it's best to move on. 5
Brooklyn. Posted July 22, 2017 Posted July 22, 2017 This seems a difficult one, he seems to have over time become less and less understanding of your circumstances, you both have problems in your life but he should help with yours not make things more difficult. He should have made more effort with you since the fall out and the fact he has only sent one text and hasn't been calling or asking to meet does make you think does he really care I have been there trust me. It's not easy to walk away and the decision lies with you but everyone is here to listen and help. In my personal opinion you have a lot of built up feelings and it's not healthy, I'm a very open person so I feel my partner doesn't care I will say I feel like you don't care, how do you expect someone To change if they don't know what there doing wrong or how you feel ? I would text him and say we need to talk and you pair meet up somewhere and both let all your feelings out and discuss if you can make this work and if so what will happen about your living arrangements? Talk future not just the next month and take it from there either work at it and if he doesn't change or stick to what you both agreed then it's down to you to leave or reacess the relationship again or either both decide it can't work because of differences and external stresses. Good luck I hope this helps. 1
basil67 Posted July 22, 2017 Posted July 22, 2017 I'm sorry you're going through this. Yes, he probably does love you very much, but love wasn't enough to get him through the control your father exerts over you and how it limits his life with you. Speaking of fathers, have you noticed that BOTH of you have got over involved parents which neither of you have stood up to? All your criticisms of his father are fair, but his criticisms of your father are also fair. I understand you getting upset at him not having enough time to spend with you at the party, but from the sounds of things, you'd have a lot more time to spend with him if it weren't for your father's interference. Your boyfriend shouldn't have to miss social events because you are only able to see him at certain times. Likewise, it's completely normal for him to socialise with people other than you at a party. It's reasonably expected that you should be able to speak to people other than him if he's doing other things at the time. That said, if you know nobody, he should support you with introductions and be aware if you're struggling to converse with anyone. I know I'm coming down fairly evenly with blame for this relationship ending, but I truly think that his rationale for walking away was fair. Just as it's reasonable for you to dislike his father too. Short of both of you standing up to your parents, this just wasn't going to work. 3
whatnot Posted July 22, 2017 Posted July 22, 2017 my ex didn't want me around her family or friends either. just much of that anyone can take. (as you found out for yourself when his dad began not liking you) You father doesn't respect you. He loves you very very much. But respect...not so much. one man's opinion... 1
Author Finlandia Posted July 23, 2017 Author Posted July 23, 2017 (edited) Thanks everyone for leaving your opinions. I have read over your responses, some even twice or more and now have a few things to think about. "In my personal opinion you have a lot of built up feelings and it's not healthy... how do you expect someone To change if they don't know what there doing wrong or how you feel?" Well... I did voice out my opinions to my ex, I told him when I felt he was being cold or like I didn't matter... At one point because we were always arguing I started feeling maybe I was nagging him or asking for too much, like I was begging for attention (look, I won't deny that I can be needy) so I tried to take a step back. Maybe I was going about it the wrong way... "Speaking of fathers, have you noticed that BOTH of you have got over involved parents which neither of you have stood up to? All your criticisms of his father are fair, but his criticisms of your father are also fair." Hmm. One thing I didn't mention in my initial post because i didnt think it was too relevant was one night when I was fed up, I confronted my father over a few things - called him out over some of his actions and told him why I felt trapped, relationship aside. My daddy issues is another topic altogether... Anyway. He agreed that moving out at this point in time was a bad idea (considering the prices to buy or rent in Melbourne these days) he expressed his opinions on relationships pre-marriage and how he didn't like certain ideas... I was actually surprised when he said he was not going to stop me from doing what I wanted, including sleeping over. However I never told my ex this because of the situation with his father and not feeling welcome into his home anymore, I didn't want to say anything until he moved out... Not that saying anything would have helped but whatever... I dont involve my family in my relationships, knowing what's happened in the past. This relationship far outlasted my others BECAUSE I kept family involvement to a minimum. While my father has made it clear that he doesn't like what he has seen of my ex through social media and has no interest in meeting him, he has never told me who to date or that I should leave this guy. My ex's father on the other hand... As I mentioned, they got into regular arguments over me, and my ex allegedly defended me every time. From my understanding, this stemmed from his father wanting to meet my parents. May I add... Asides from his issues with me, I hold some strong opinions on his father. Based on how my ex's siblings turned out and the way he has been treated on occasions. Best way to describe it: he's from a broken home... I feel awful saying that... "Your boyfriend shouldn't have to miss social events because you are only able to see him at certain times." He has his group of friends he hangs with on a weekly basis and I have never told him he cannot see them. I did feel I was always second to his friends though. I was salty that one night because he didn't introduce me to anyone and expected me to do something I wasn't comfortable with. Which is why I decided to leave the party but I told him he could stay. I didn't expect that to blow out into such a heated one sided argument that ended us... "I know I'm coming down fairly evenly with blame for this relationship ending" So you should. I'm by no means a saint. I've never said it was entirely anyone's fault as I know I made some bad decisions and could have done things differently. I will own up to my mistakes, dag nabbit! "but I truly think that his rationale for walking away was fair." Fair enough. I'm however still annoyed that he didn't even let me have a say that night and interrupted me over every word that wasnt "sorry" to tell me that the failure of us was all my fault because I didn't want to move forward. I don't find the ultimatum fair though. "You father doesn't respect you. He loves you very very much. But respect...not so much. one man's opinion..." 100% Agreed. Considering how old fashioned he is. Thank you so much again for the responses, I'll be posting again shortly. Maybe... Edited July 23, 2017 by Finlandia
Author Finlandia Posted July 23, 2017 Author Posted July 23, 2017 Okay. As suggested by Brooklyn, I bit the bullet and sent a text. Kept it fairly civil, asking if he wanted to talk at some point. He said he doesn't want to at the moment as he has a test coming up for a senior role at work. When? Didn't specify. Very few people pass it so he doesn't want to risk anything. If I can be selfish for one moment.... He was the one who said he wanted to sort things out and didn't reach out. So if what he has said now isn't some sort of excuse, which I am convinced it is... I wish he would had said something instead of leaving me in the dark. I shouldn't be surprised though, it's not the first time he has done something like this to me. Oh well. I guess the next time I speak to him, it will be me texting him to get my stuff at his place back.
Author Finlandia Posted July 25, 2017 Author Posted July 25, 2017 I'm heading out of town for a week in a few days and I was seriously hoping before then I could at least clear the waters with him and not leave for my trip with clouded thoughts, ill feelings and uncertainty. I suppose he did that for me already, but it's left an even worse taste in my mouth. From saying he wants to sort things out to "at the moment, no" because other things are much more important... I am not surprised. I struggle to remember the last time he genuinely put me as a priority. I started writing in a handwritten journal of all my thoughts and the more I write down, the more I feel that he used me. I keep thinking about all the things I had done for him with little or no gratitude, when I went out of my own way, doing things no one else had ever done for him... I have a license and my own car. He doesn't, he only has a motorbike. I drove him around A LOT at my own expense and gained nothing out of it but I did it for him. That's only ONE of the many things I did for him... And the more I feel he used me, the more I feel that he never actually loved me... he just loved what I did for him. If I am thinking irrationally, by all means correct me. I am just spewing what's on my mind.
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