Sorta-date once, talk to her again?

[Chipmonk]

Short version is, I probably messed this one up, and I'm wondering what might be salvagable.

 

The story:

This person, call her Kay, is a friend of a friend; the friend in-between (female) was staying with my roommate and I for a few weeks between jobs and travel. Once after Kay was over, this in-between friend told me that Kay had asked who this person she was staying with was, the tall one, he's kinda cute... at this point, she seems like an interesting person but I don't feel any attraction at all. Well, long ago I promised myself that I'd take anyone who seemed interested on at least one date (reasoning: I can't expect others to be so fair if I'm not myself), so a week or so later, after she had come over to visit her friend again, we went out to dinner. Ultimately realized we do have a lot in common (backpackers, dry humor, distaste for melodramatic chick-flicks, etc.), but I just didn't feel any attraction at all. Ah... it's looks, I've never found pale skin / dark hair attractive (ever), and that's exactly what she is. We ended up splitting the bill, parted ways. A day or so later, I talked to this in-between friend, told her I tried but couldn't find any attraction. She told me that she got the same impression from Kay. End of story... this was, oh, a month ago.

 

Well, it's the end of summer, many of my friends have moved away (done with school), gone home, or are traveling, and I got it into my head that maybe Kay would be up for doing something - not date-type stuff, just hanging out, like amusement park for an afternoon. The kind of stuff I want to do, but that doesn't really work alone, you know?

 

My question - I haven't handled the whole date thing very well, I've been kinda rude at the very least. (Largely because the in-between friend was fantasizing about double-dates and how cool it would be to hang out with two of her friends who were dating each other, and completely ignored whether or not I was interested - so I didn't want to open the subject again, with anyone). The in-between friend has gone home, and is out of touch completely. I haven't seen or spoken to Kay since that dinner. By the way, I'd be happy to call Kay a friend; I'm having trouble shifting from "ask out on date" to friend when every time I think of her, I remember that she has about as much romantic appeal (to me) as dirt.

 

So, on one hand, I want to call Kay and suggest something for an afternoon. On the other hand, it's not a date, and I don't want to seem like that. And I'm not comfortable calling someone, telling them I have no romantic interest, then asking her to do something that looks awfully like a date.

 

Suggestions? Am I being stupid and worrying too much? As much as remaining silent is impolite, I can't come up with any polite way to start talking again.

[loony]

That's an interesting situation.

 

I think friendships between men and women are difficult enough without one finding the other person "cute" and the other one feeling the same kind of attraction to this person as to "dirt". If she thinks you're cute and you have so many interests together you should not stay friends with her. I know, just because you have many interests with her it's unlikely for you to fall in love with her if she doesn't attract you in the least, but for her it will be a lot more difficult to maintain an emotional distance if there's a guy she finds cute and even has the same interests as she does. Maybe you could fall in love with her eventually if she has an absolutely fantastic personality and meets all your emotional needs but I think the probability is low, not impossible but low. Therefore I'd suggest you stay away from her and get some new friends.

 

Ok, that's my point of view on these things. I should maybe mentions this friend of mine though who seems to manage to stay friends with a lot of girls who have crushes on him. He says you should not miss a chance to make friends with someone. I remember once I warned him about hanging out with this girl, that she had a crush on him and he said no, no, that's not true etc. (Mr. Know-it-all ) Well, she did have a crush on him, but they continued being friends. He says there's no reason to not stay friends with a girl just because he's not in love with her. I don't think the girls had that much in common with him though, that's the big difference here. He's also a completely different type of guy than you.

 

Anyway my personal recommendation for you is: stay away from her.

[Chipmonk]

Whoops - "dirt" is the wrong way of putting it... a better analogy, it's like I wouldn't go see a movie just to see Orlando Bloom. People I know think he's hot, I don't. Most people, I get the sense that I might eventually like them if I get to know them better... don't get that sense here. The "cute" comment only came up once, relayed through our mutual friend, and I have no sense at all how seriously she takes it.

 

If she still thinks I'm "cute" then I agree, I should stay away from this one. But if she dropped the idea about as fast as I did, then it's no problem - no attraction either way, easy to be friends. And... I don't see how I can find out this without sticking my foot in my mouth after about five words. The mutual friend can't help ... she's too enamored with the idea of double-dating and setting up two of her friends, she can't look at this objectively.

 

Summary is... I think she's a good person, and I'd like the company - IF she's not still attracted. But I don't have a clue how to find out about that IF without being rude beyond belief.

[loony]

I'd rather think that her feelings for you cooled down a bit because you made it obvious to her that you didn't really feel any kind of attraction. If you contact her now and start having a good time with her as a friend she will get her hopes up high again. But I honestly don't know what her level of interest is.

 

If the situation was reverse, a girl who was eager to maintain contact with a guy who had told her she was cute but whom she wasn't interested in dating everybody would say she was stringing him along and that she would get an ego boost from keepin him on a leash.

 

Why don't you try to find some other friends? I'm not really relationship savvy either but I can tell you close friendship with the other genders are difficult if one person finds the other person attractive. If you don't feel any kind of attraction it's ok for you, but not for the other person. You just can't hang out for too much time together without getting into trouble, that's what I think. There are maybe some rare few cases where it works, but I haven't experienced this yet.