Shindig Posted July 19, 2017 Posted July 19, 2017 I'm 35 F and my boyfriend 31 M moved in together a few months ago and a problem that I identified before we moved in is starting to really become an issue. Of course he assured me he'd work on it before things got more serious, but that's the old story we all know too well. He tends to stonewall when discussions about things like chores and him taking out bad moods on me. I am pretty direct and I think he shuts down because he's afraid of failing as a partner. I've suggested couples counseling, but he shut down at that suggestion too. I want to learn how to communicate difficult topics to him without him shutting down and for him to have better tools to help him with his anxiety about these scenarios which is why I think couples counseling is the best answer, but in lieu of that I've come here. Right now, my approach to his stonewalling is pretty rudimentary. Usually he'll leave the room in the middle of a conversation and I end up chasing after him and asking if the conversation is over. If he says that it is, I go and self soothe by painting or taking a walk. I don't want him to think that behavior is an acceptable way to deal with tough topics and I figure he should be alone with nobody but himself to blame for his behavior instead of resenting me for pushing him into conversation, but I am increasingly concerned that we rarely get back to the issue when he's had his moment. I'm wondering what I can do better and things like if I should just go to visit a girlfriend for a couple of days instead of finding space in the same house. He also doesn't always follow up on things we've discussed. For example, he made a to-do list for himself when we discussed a more fair distribution of chores (cleaning up after our pets, doing dishes, cleaning house, taking out the garbage, etc.), but I'm still doing everything on the list except on rare occasion that he unloads the dishwasher. He's responsible for mowing the lawn and his personal laundry and he does that consistently, but that's it. I'd asked him to install a rack in the garage for our bikes months ago and I hate the sensation that I'm nagging him, so after weeks of just waiting, I told him if he didn't do it by the weekend, I was going to do it. He did it that day, but groused the whole time. I asked him if he wanted help and he refused. Then he spent the next few hours basically catatonic. He has been to many doctors looking for some kind of diagnosis for Lyme disease to lupus and points to not feeling well when he has these episodes. I'm sure my approach is at least part of the problem, but I need him to participate in working on this too. I don't know if I'm afoot or horseback anymore. I am here because I want some insight. HELP!
Robratory Posted July 19, 2017 Posted July 19, 2017 but I need him to participate in working on this too. Unfortunately, that's the one thing you cannot do. You can't make him participate. Sadly, it looks like you have a very immature man on your hands. There's no fixing it, so don't even try. Just dump him. 2
Miss Spider Posted July 19, 2017 Posted July 19, 2017 (edited) . I don't want him to think that behavior is an acceptable way to deal with tough topics and I figure he should be alone with nobody but himself to blame for his behavior instead of resenting me for pushing him into conversation, but I am increasingly concerned that we rarely get back to the issue when he's had his moment. ! Put him in his crate for a time out lol. It sounds like an incompatibility that has become even more noticeable now that you have moved in together. Your best shot is communicating but if he stonewalls that is unlikely to change. Sometimes you can begin to notice the poor conflict resolution/avoidance or clashes in personality/lifestyle but you can deal. When you cohabitate these clashes can cause big problems if neither of you can compromise Edited July 19, 2017 by Cookiesandough
Chilli Posted July 19, 2017 Posted July 19, 2017 Sounds like your totally different personalities. He just isn't a need to talker , lotta people don''t. Your sorta over loading his head with stuff he just doesn't need or have any interest in going into. And if he does try it's just for you. Your also like way too efficient and naggy naggy for him. lt's just not agreeing with him He needs a much easier going women and you need a much fussier, particular , and talky kinda guy. Just a real miss match in general .
Gaeta Posted July 19, 2017 Posted July 19, 2017 He is stonewalling you because so far it's been working. He has a list of things to do, he doesn't do them, you argue, he stonewall you and you rarely get back on the subject. It's his method to get out of his responsibilities. On top of that you reward him by doing HIS chores. See how it's been working for him so far? I don't know where you found this man but he probably just gotten out from under his mother's skirt? He is, without a doubt, an emotionally immature man and I strongly suggest you do not have children with him. He will not be a participating father. What you have been doing so far isn't working so you need to stop. You've taken the role of being his mother and it's a very toxic dynamic. Is he ready to pay for a maid to do his part? I have been in the relationship you're describing. It turned into a very miserable marriage. Knowing everything I know today, if I could go back in time I would have divorced the very first year we got married and saved myself 15 years of being his mother and doing everything. 1
basil67 Posted July 19, 2017 Posted July 19, 2017 You're right in thinking about your approach. Perhaps there's nothing wrong with it, but certain approaches can make people defensive and/or shut down. For instance, if he's not doing his share in the kitchen, a bad approach would be "You never help me in the kitchen" and a good approach would be "I have been feeling overwhelmed with the amount of work to be done in the kitchen". Google "I statements" for other ideas. I understand that he's unwell, so you may also have to make reasonable accommodations for him. However, I have a niggling doubt that no matter what you do, he will still stonewall. If the change in your communication doesn't work, you would be well advised to ditch him.
Redhead14 Posted July 19, 2017 Posted July 19, 2017 few hours basically catatonic -- If he is experiencing catatonia, he may have a very serious condition that causes him to be on neurological overload!!!! He stonewalls because his brain is basically shutting down because it is overstimulated. If he is truly experiencing catatonia, there are a number of physiological causes and it does affect the brain. He needs to see a psychiatrist as well. If I were you, I would not push him at all right now. You and he are dealing with something that is nothing to be treated lightly. Report these catatonic episodes to his doctors immediately! Record what's happening before and around these episodes. Keep a log of what goes on and how he reports to be feeling shortly before. If he is as ill as all this implies, he is simply physically and mentally debilitated. He's giving you all he's got. 1
preraph Posted July 19, 2017 Posted July 19, 2017 This is a very common problem. And really, the only solution is to stop picking up the slack for him AND telling him what to do. If he will sit and let the place got o filth, then he's not anyone you need to be with. Men always hate nagging, but it's just their way of placing the blame back on you and gaslighting you. I know one thing, I wouldn't feel very sex if a man wasn't keeping up his end of the chores. For God's sake, do not have kids with him. it will only get worse and the problems will reach emergency proportions. It's disrespect and laziness and entitlement, and it's not anything you really ought to be in love with. 2
preraph Posted July 19, 2017 Posted July 19, 2017 P.S. My friend did go to marriage counseling for this issue and she was told to tell him once and then let him do it at his own pace -- but his pace ended up being no pace at all and she finally divorced him. 2
Miss Spider Posted July 19, 2017 Posted July 19, 2017 If one partner is less tidy than the other it will happen. Like one doesn't care if the dishes stack up or is fine with not sweeping the other partner will start to feel resentment that they are doing all the work when there is an extra person contributing to the mess. Then they will tell the other person but it will be interpreted as "nagging" "trying to change them" and they will start to feel resentment and do less If one partner doesn't do it sometimes they just aren't comfortable living in those conditions. My ex was fine living in filthy conditions I'd get very sick in. There was a dead mouse in a trap for days 1
Redhead14 Posted July 19, 2017 Posted July 19, 2017 Lyme disease -- Lyme disease if untreated for an extended period of time causes neurological problems, clinical depression and a myriad of physical problems. Until he gets a diagnosis, you need to try to use patience for a bit longer. If it turns out that he is not ill, then you have a different problem with him. If you need help around the house, hire a nanny, a housekeeper, landscapers for a bit. If he's not sick, doing this will likely pique him at least. Is he going to work regularly and doing other activities outside of the home? Is he interacting with friends and family? If he's not functioning in other areas, I would err on the side of caution and give him the benefit of the doubt that illness is the case. I'm a little baffled that you are pushing him like this given the fact that doctors are checking into some potentially very serious illnesses. If he's functioning well on other areas of his life, you need a marriage counselor.
preraph Posted July 19, 2017 Posted July 19, 2017 If one partner is less tidy than the other it will happen. Like one doesn't care if the dishes stack up or is fine with not sweeping the other partner will start to feel resentment that they are doing all the work when there is an extra person contributing to the mess. Then they will tell the other person but it will be interpreted as "nagging" "trying to change them" and they will start to feel resentment and do less If one partner doesn't do it sometimes they just aren't comfortable living in those conditions. My ex was fine living in filthy conditions I'd get very sick in. There was a dead mouse in a trap for days It seems like the guys I've known either fall into the "bachelor filth" category or they are meticulously tidy, and I can't handle either. 1
preraph Posted July 19, 2017 Posted July 19, 2017 So he's actually trying to get a doctor's excuse for why he shouldn't have to clean house and just clams up and won't talk about it. I think he's seeing the wrong type of doctor for the problem he has. He's trying to make you feel sorry for him. But is he still physically able to have sex?? Does he want you to do all the work there, too, because he's feeble? If he doesn't feel well enough to do the chores or at least talk about why not, I don't see how he's well enough for sex. Just sayin. 1
Gaeta Posted July 19, 2017 Posted July 19, 2017 I'm 35 F and my boyfriend 31 M moved in together a few months ago and a problem that I identified before we moved in is starting to really become an issue. Of course he assured me he'd work on it before things got more serious, but that's the old story we all know too well. So he's always been that way, even way before he started thinking he may have lime desease or lupus?
preraph Posted July 20, 2017 Posted July 20, 2017 If he's already been to a lot of doctors, then they've apparently ruled out lupus or lime disease by now. I mean, he's had all the labs and stuff, hasn't he? I was tested for lupus because one reading came up that they wanted to look further. So it's basically two lab tests. But again, does he find energy to do what he wants to do?
Redhead14 Posted July 20, 2017 Posted July 20, 2017 I'm 35 F and my boyfriend 31 M moved in together a few months ago and a problem that I identified before we moved in is starting to really become an issue. Of course he assured me he'd work on it before things got more serious, but that's the old story we all know too well. If he had some kind of illness brewing while you were dating and it's getting worse, of course, this "issue" would be getting worse. Lyme disease for one example is often difficult to diagnose. The tests often come back negative and a number of times. There are other illnesses that are difficult to diagnose as well. My point is this may have been coming for a long time for him. If, as I said earlier, he is functioning well in other areas and can do things he really wants to do, that's a different story. If he's just lazy, etc., you identified that problem before you moved in with him and now you're expecting him to change for you. You don't move in or marry someone hoping to change them. That's not the way it works. Beyond all this, if he isn't ill, your approach will have to change -- do it yourself or throw him out PERIOD. You are in the evaluation stage of your relationship. The period where you are evaluating a potential partners suitability for marriage, long-term relationship. You don't try to make a partner into what you want them to be. Either leave him, be patient for a little longer to see if illness is the cause or ask him to leave or you leave. You don't keep beating a dead horse -- you bury it.
Redhead14 Posted July 20, 2017 Posted July 20, 2017 And, remember this, you two aren't married. You don't have to nor should you act like a wife. Don't do his laundry, don't take care of all his personal needs, don't co-mingle finances, etc. You are still two individuals who are responsible for themselves. If he isn't sick, then you need to draw a line in the sand, observe whether he picks up his end of things and then make your decision.
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