Should I even show up at this point?

[act00]

I don't know why you didn't just solidify plans in the first place and felt the need to do an opening text and a followup text later. You flaked once, and your lack of motivation on #2 is not encouraging. It could have been, "Hi, how was your day? I wanted to solidify our coffee plans. We decided on "X" but we still need the time. Of course if there's another place that works better for you, let me know. Looking forward to meeting you. I hope your day has gone well."

 

I would follow up with a text now, tonight. Ask if she is still interested in meeting for coffee and suggest a place and time, with the open invitation to change the time/place according to her schedule. If no response, then you have your answer.

[jgraham11]

She already texted me back, albeit after 24 hours. I didn't solidify plans because I don't like to just get right into it. I'm not accustomed to someone taking 24 hours to reply to a simple text message. So it's something I'll have to keep in mind with her if we go anywhere with a relationship

 

Then again I'll say something to her too. Like maybe just try to text me back within 4-5 hours if you could

[PogoStick]

I guess we all have different expectations. I work 13 hour shifts in a hospital with people's lives at stake. No, I would not be answering your text in 4 hours. Quite possibly not in 12 hours. And after such a shift where I have less than 2 hours to myself before heading to bed to do it again tomorrow, I might very well not care to answer such small talk at all.

 

Point is, people have their reasons to not respond on "your" schedule. In just the last week in fact, I told a woman she may not hear from me for DAYS at a time when I'm on a work stretch. She can accept it or find a better match.

 

And yes, in the end she may just be uninterested in you, but you're already making up your mind before even knowing her situation.

[healing light]

When I did clinic shifts, there was no way people would be getting a text from me. Back to back patients/no downtime, etc. So I can see where someone would take a while responding to small talk that can be saved for a date.

 

As long as you have a date, place, and time scheduled, I would show. I wouldn't use the text messages as a barometer of interest. Some people just hate texting or are too busy/not connected to their phones at the hip.

[GemmaUK]

I work a very demanding job which entails extra hours and working some weekends - and I'm office based - not in healthcare or anything like it.

 

But yeah, I wouldn't see a 'how is your day going' as being something urgent to respond to.

If anything I would likely reply to an 'all set for the date on x day?'

 

But even then, my phone isn't my priority, my life is.

 

I also can't stand guys when they text nonsense day in day out, I find it off putting.

I prefer to text a little to get to know someone a little bit (an find out their texting style) but actually get to know someone face to face.

 

I honestly don't understand this need people seem to have for constant contact and counting hours, watching whether someone has been online etc.

 

OP, you say you're gong to ask her to reply within 4-5 hours - bad idea!

Just meet her, relax about the texting thing - which is really poor communication anyway.

If it really is a big issue for you then 'ask' her about her texting style on the date. Don't give her a designated time limit set by yourself when you have no idea at all what her schedule is.

[clia]

Then again I'll say something to her too. Like maybe just try to text me back within 4-5 hours if you could

 

I think it's a bad idea to start making demands like this on a first meet.

[jgraham11]

I know I didn't say on the first date. I said if it ever goes anywhere it's something I'd have to talk about. It wouldn't be a demand either. It would be more like a request or hell even a favor.

[jgraham11]

I guess we all have different expectations. I work 13 hour shifts in a hospital with people's lives at stake. No, I would not be answering your text in 4 hours. Quite possibly not in 12 hours. And after such a shift where I have less than 2 hours to myself before heading to bed to do it again tomorrow, I might very well not care to answer such small talk at all.

 

Point is, people have their reasons to not respond on "your" schedule. In just the last week in fact, I told a woman she may not hear from me for DAYS at a time when I'm on a work stretch. She can accept it or find a better match.

 

And yes, in the end she may just be uninterested in you, but you're already making up your mind before even knowing her situation.

 

 

I know the thread has gotten a little long, but I already said she messaged back confirming plans. So it really does seem to be a time thing with her. Or possibly she just isn't in contact with her phone as frequently as most 25 year olds. She's had a few opportunities to back out on me and hasn't

[MountainGirl111]

I think you're placing too much emphasis on texting and you're over analyzing her already based on how long she takes to text back...you're reading into it too much.

 

Why all the pressure about someone you've never even had a face to face date with yet? Ease off the pressure. Don't expect much out of her at all right now. But, a lot of this is just your OWN anxiety talking here. Maybe you need to find ways to feel less anxious about stuff. I know you really really want to meet this gal and get to know her and you seem super eager and so you're looking for signs that she is EAGER too. Well, if she doesn't struggle with anxiety like you she may be eager, but doesn't show it like you do.

 

Another thing to realize is this. Maybe people who work long days and you said she puts in 13 hour days at times: Many employers seriously FROWN on people using their cell phones while at work. Sure, people in their 20's seemed to glued to their phones. That's not a good thing when people are at work. They are supposed to WORKING, not texting with future dates. Some companies actually discipline people for using their cell phones during work time for personal stuff.

[Imajerk17]

I know the thread has gotten a little long, but I already said she messaged back confirming plans. So it really does seem to be a time thing with her. Or possibly she just isn't in contact with her phone as frequently as most 25 year olds. She's had a few opportunities to back out on me and hasn't

 

I'd instead be giving this girl some serious credit. She is planning on showing up for your rescheduled date despite you cancelling the original plans due to anxiety issues. Most people, women included, would have taken your cancelling due to anxiety as a serious red flag, and rightfully so.

 

So go have a good time on your date, and make it worth her while!

[jgraham11]

Alright update on what happened for those interested..

 

So last night she texted me saying why she took so long to reply. She was just insanely busy at work and didn't have the time. I didn't even bat an eye and just told her it was cool and no problem. She then asked me what time I wanted to meet and where for tomorrow (today) and I told her time and place. Within that same text batch she OUT OF NOWHERE haha goes "Oh yeah, you're 6'5" right? I'm 5'0" haha" quote for quote on that.

 

I was so thrown off by that and I started wondering if she had some confidence issues about her height. Today what happened reassured that. Because after I texted her the time and place and told her the height isn't a big deal to me at all... she never responded to me. Once 4pm rolled around (our coffee date was at 5) I texted her telling her I wasn't going since she didn't text to confirm. I wasn't going to show up 20 min UBER ride to sit in a cafe with the risk of nobody showing up.. Still haven't heard from her since then. I don't want to give up on her, but I feel like she may have given up on me. OR she may just be really self conscious about her height which is a ****ty reason to not go on a date, but her text was really out of nowhere.. and that's the way I interpreted that. I don't know how any of you would interpret that

Edited July 21, 2017 by jgraham11

[Miss Spider]

Yeah, I thought so...it's not your height...she's a flake.

 

 

Edit: and taking over 24 hours to reply at the beginning of dating is a huge red flag. I don't know who thinks it's normal, it's not.

Edited July 21, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[jgraham11]

So you think she just brought up height for absolutely no reason at all? I don't know not so sure about that. I don't know this girl extremely well, but I just don't get the sense she's someone who would flake. I really do think she had intentions of meeting me, but something kept her from doing that today. Maybe it was work, maybe it was nerves on her part, maybe it was a physical thing in regards to our heights

 

I can tell the type of girls who would lead someone on.. and she's not one of them

 

I don't know if you fully understand how random this was..

 

"Hey sorry I was working all day today had a lot of problems at work. We were overbooked" End of the first text (these all came one after the other)

 

"Oh yeah, you're 6'5 right? I'm 5'0" haha"

 

"What time did you wanna meet yesterday?"

 

"Sorry, I meant tomorrow you can see how much I'm overworked hahah"

 

Word for word

Edited July 21, 2017 by jgraham11

[jgraham11]

Yeah, I thought so...it's not your height...she's a flake.

 

 

Edit: and taking over 24 hours to reply at the beginning of dating is a huge red flag. I don't know who thinks it's normal, it's not.

 

Hahaha what? Now you think it's not normal. Just yesterday you and a bunch of other people on here were telling me not to take it so seriously

[Miss Spider]

I had a feeling she lost any interest from your cancellation and truly I was (pleasantly) surprised she got back but I had a hunch she'd flake. Girls aren't self conscious about their height, I have never once heard of that, they love tall guys and the shorter they are the taller they like them ..I'd be VERY surprised if that was it. I suppose it's possible but my money's not on it

 

 

Even if she had a legitimate excuse why wouldn't she text you? What she did was extremely rude. If I am to understand correctly, you had a time and a place set up and she basically stood you up. What if you didn't confirm and just showed? The only legitimate excuse I can think of is an emergency or tragedy

[jgraham11]

Cookie,

 

I get what you're saying and 99% of the time I would agree.. but this girl is not the "stand up a guy" type. It's hard to explain or put into words, but that's not it

 

Honestly it could be anything but that. I did notice on her FB her old BF was only a little taller than her though. Maybe 5'5" at best. I'm not sold on it being a height thing, but you can't deny the fact that was a strange thing to mention in the text message group. It sticks out among those other texts

[MidwestUSA]

Well, sometimes we just wanna know which heels to wear. It could be that simple.

 

I met a guy who claimed to be 5'8". At 5'5", I felt safe wearing 2.5" heels. Well, I felt like an Amazon, towering over him all night. It would have been nice to know the truth upfront.

 

Maybe her stilettos were out for repair.

[Miss Spider]

How can you say she is not a stand up guy type when that's exactly what she did? Even if we go with what I think you think happened - she got nervous because she's too short for you(which is like the equivalent of a guy getting nervous he's too tall for a girl) - she still stood up. Unless some tragedy befell her. No excuse or anything...

 

The comment was random, I agree. But I don't see it necessarily having to do with it. Maybe others can offer a different perspective

 

 

Edit: I'm 5'7 and like wearing heels. I'd be a little more inclined to believe this if she were the taller one. A little

[jgraham11]

How can you say she is not a stand up guy type when that's exactly what she did? Even if we go with what I think you think happened - she got nervous because she's too short for you(which is like the equivalent of a guy getting nervous he's too tall for a girl) - she still stood up. Unless some tragedy befell her. No excuse or anything...

 

The comment was random, I agree. But I don't see it necessarily having to do with it. Maybe others can offer a different perspective

 

 

Edit: I'm 5'7 and like wearing heels. I'd be a little more inclined to believe this if she were the taller one. A little

 

 

 

It was so random that I have a hard time looking past it. And I wouldn't say I got stood up. I mean I didn't even end up going. It's not like I went and sat at the cafe waiting until nobody showed up.. Just a strange week and a half. I'm probably 99% sure done with this girl. Not because I don't want to give it a shot, but she has bad communication skills. There isn't any excuse for not texting someone who's only trying to make sure that they'd be there. I may just text her to make sure everything is alright at this point. Even if I never end up meeting her. I just would like to know what kept her from showing up

[Miss Spider]

Hahaha what? Now you think it's not normal. Just yesterday you and a bunch of other people on here were telling me not to take it so seriously

 

I never said to not take it seriously!!! Show me where? I just said I'd be very annoyed if a guy did the flake and small talk to me ...I would not keep talking to him, though, schedule a date, then just stop answering texts and not show. She lost me there. Maybe people really like to keep their options to that point. I have no clue.

[Miss Spider]

It was so random that I have a hard time looking past it. And I wouldn't say I got stood up. I mean I didn't even end up going. It's not like I went and sat at the cafe waiting until nobody showed up.. Just a strange week and a half. I'm probably 99% sure done with this girl. Not because I don't want to give it a shot, but she has bad communication skills. There isn't any excuse for not texting someone who's only trying to make sure that they'd be there. I may just text her to make sure everything is alright at this point. Even if I never end up meeting her. I just would like to know what kept her from showing up

 

You didn't go because you're a smart guy with the sense to confirm. What if you were not? How do we know that she would have texted to cancel? Bad communication skills is an understatement for sure.

[jgraham11]

I never said to not take it seriously!!! Show me where? I just said I'd be very annoyed if a guy did the flake and small talk to me ...I would not keep talking to him, though, schedule a date, then just stop answering texts and not show. She lost me there. Maybe people really like to keep their options to that point. I have no clue.

 

Okay sorry there were a few people saying the opposite of what you said though. I just thought you were one of them.

 

I'll end up texting her though just to find out what happened. I'll post it here if you're interested in whatever her response is

 

The only way I'd agree to see her again would be if she kind of said what I said last time. Maybe she was anxious/nervous, or she couldn't get out of work. I'll still ask why she couldn't let me know that though..

[PogoStick]

Damn dude. Maybe it's because you're from a different generation but you're so needy and self-conscious that it's a major turn off.

 

She didn't stand anyone up. He cancelled TWICE before the date ever happened. Seriously, who's the flake?

 

I know you don't want to believe me and counter with some excuse but I'm trying to help you here. You need to get your anxiety under control and get a better understanding of the female mind. Otherwise, your going to continue sabotaging and scaring away more women in the future.

[jgraham11]

Damn dude. Maybe it's because you're from a different generation but you're so needy and self-conscious that it's a major turn off.

 

She didn't stand anyone up. He cancelled TWICE before the date ever happened. Seriously, who's the flake?

 

I know you don't want to believe me and counter with some excuse but I'm trying to help you here. You need to get your anxiety under control and get a better understanding of the female mind. Otherwise, your going to continue sabotaging and scaring away more women in the future.

 

Are you serious right now? First off I have anxiety issues. So I'm sorry for trying to step out of my comfort zone for someone. Second off, is me just trying to confirm that someone will be somewhere REALLY that big of a deal? I waited up until the last hour before our date for her to text me that she would be there. Would you have just preferred to show up and sit there like an idiot waiting for someone to not show up? I texted her twice once 12 hours before the date, just to confirm because she never responded the first time. And then again an hour before the date, again no response. What would you expect me to really do there..You're really trying to say that this girl not texting me back to just say "Hey, sorry can't go" was too much for her to do that she couldn't say that within a 12-24 hour frame? C'mon now..

 

I'm getting the sense you're over 35 or maybe even over 40. This texting behavior isn't odd in the least bit for someone my age (my texting behavior). This girl not texting back for over 24 hours is strange, I'm sorry. I have dated plenty in my 25 years on this earth and never ONCE I have I come across someone who takes so long to reply to a simple text back

 

Now do I have some areas I need to improve on? Yes, I do. I should probably get my anxiety more in check in some way, but don't try to paint this picture that her communication timetable was normal. There's no reason to not text someone back when all they're trying to do is confirm a date, no reason at all. I never flaked a second time. If you're going to count me just checking to confirm a date and not getting a text or response back and taking that as a sign it's a no-go, a flake, well then I don't know what to say to that.

Edited July 22, 2017 by jgraham11

[Miss Spider]

Did you end up asking her what happened or did she ever wind up getting back to you aftet she ignored your planned date(I thought this was what we call standing someone up, but I guess semantics)