Lobouspo Posted July 19, 2017 Posted July 19, 2017 I've always had this unhealthy attachment style where when I meet someone I like, I'm always looking for the other shoe to drop. For example, recently met a girl and we've been messaging back and forth and all of a sudden I may not hear back for hours. In the back of my mind I think, that's it I said something to upset her, or she met someone else and I'm history. Can anyone relate? How do you deal with it? The whole dating/courtship thing is like walking on eggshells sometimes. Any advice or feedback would be appreciated
preraph Posted July 19, 2017 Posted July 19, 2017 I mean, it just sounds like simple insecurity to me. But call it whatever you want to. To control anything, you have to decide to control it and then use self-discipline to do whatever it takes to at least move forward and not get bogged down int his type thing. Go get busy, date more than one person, go out with friends, go do something physical to unwind your body, read a book, whatever. Don't be weak and just let yourself sit around and obsess because there is nothing so unattractive as that type of desperation and it's usually obvious to people. 2
grays Posted July 19, 2017 Posted July 19, 2017 I think most of us have some of that. And you should learn how to control it both because it can repel love interests and because its an uncomfortable way to live. Im a lot less that way than I used to be. I have been dating a ton (probably not for everyone) and really putting myself out there and in the process have learned a lot about my own feelings and those of the guys I date. The most important thing is -- its not always about you. Second thing is, even if it is about you, you dont have to take it personally. Not everyone is gonna get you and that's ok. But these are things you cant really feel without learning them yourself. As time goes on, the more experience i get, they feel more and more real to me. 2
kendahke Posted July 19, 2017 Posted July 19, 2017 I've always had this unhealthy attachment style where when I meet someone I like, I'm always looking for the other shoe to drop. For example, recently met a girl and we've been messaging back and forth and all of a sudden I may not hear back for hours. In the back of my mind I think, that's it I said something to upset her, or she met someone else and I'm history. Can anyone relate? How do you deal with it? The whole dating/courtship thing is like walking on eggshells sometimes. Any advice or feedback would be appreciated It might help to talk to a therapist about your unhealthy attachment style. But I'm curious: what is the worst than can happen if the other shoe drops? Will you be killed? No. At the most, you'll have hurt feelings which you will get over and move on. And if she's just some girl you're talking to, then yeah, she very well could have met someone else, as she's free to do since she's not in a relationship with you. That same latitude applies to you, too. Everyone is entitled to their preferences and while you may not be hers, you may be someone else's. Unless someone has absolutely no life whatsoever and/or are emotionally unstable, people have lives and those lives are busy. While they take time to have a conversation with you by text, them leaving the text isn't an indictment against your character or esteem. It means something came up they needed or wanted to focus on. Texting/messaging back and forth isn't like having an in-person or over-the-phone conversation. It's not like you're in the middle of a phone conversation and they hang up on you--for that, yeah, I could see concern, but that doesn't apply to texting. You might want to instead try phone conversations where you can end a conversation properly if them vanishing for an hour disturbs you that much. 2
Author Lobouspo Posted July 19, 2017 Author Posted July 19, 2017 I've actually gotten better with this issue over years. I think one thing that I identified is that my dad is pending a probable cancer diagnosis and one of my single friends is in a relationship recently so in some weird way the confluence of those things makes me feel kind of abandoned and alone at some subconscious level, so I attach easily. 1
Gaeta Posted July 19, 2017 Posted July 19, 2017 I've actually gotten better with this issue over years. I think one thing that I identified is that my dad is pending a probable cancer diagnosis and one of my single friends is in a relationship recently so in some weird way the confluence of those things makes me feel kind of abandoned and alone at some subconscious level, so I attach easily. I think it's deeper than that and from your childhood. I am 50 years old and only starting to realize what an influence my mother and father were on me and how I behave today is directly link to my childhood. 2
jgraham11 Posted July 19, 2017 Posted July 19, 2017 I've got that problem. I've noticed it hasn't been as bad as it used to be though. Maybe that's just cause I'm dating more frequently and talking/meeting more women 1
Redhead14 Posted July 19, 2017 Posted July 19, 2017 It's often just a matter of maturing. Pushing through the discomfort and kinda getting exposure therapy. The more you try, the easier it gets. They start to accept that not everything is about THEM. The first thing most people like this need to do is stop all the negative self-talk/negative mind f'ing they do to themselves. They need to get out of their own heads and be focused and present in current scenarios. Most of the time people like this are so distracted by what's going on in their heads and they don't see what's really in front of them. It's like distracted driving . . . they are driving the car, they get where they are going but they don't even remember the ride in between. They live with the "what ifs" and they are missing what's now. 3
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