Will this pain ever end?

[aloneandscared]

I don't have many people I can talk to so I thought i'd come here and explain the situation on the hope it may be therapeutic.

 

I'm 32 year old woman and this is what's going on

Having just coming out of a 4 year relationship (living together) in december 2013. I met someone (M) in March of the following year. He too was 6 month out of a relationship (3 year). We fell for each other fast and got involved very quickly. I was spending all my time at his flat. I lived miles away and could work from home so it made sense. We done everything together. I moved in after 6 month and we had the best of times going on amazing trips etc. I got a new job in the local area.

 

After about 6 month at his flat we decided it was too small for two people and moved to somewhere bigger. I felt very happy he said he did. We planned lots of adventures and spent time together.

 

In March of this year i felt him pulling away, starting to nit pick and not want to do as much. I grew annoyed and began to pull away too. I was stressed having just got a new job, something he couldn't understand. It was bringing a more serious side out of me.

Anyways we had a brief discussion he said he wanted to do more, i said ido too. We agreed to try and we did we booked holidays done loads of different things. We looked at new properties to rent all sorts. Our sex life never faded all through this time.

 

The begining of this month we went on holiday. It was great, we did bicker more than other holidays but nothing massive. As soon as we landed he changed and became very moody and distand. He had done this after other holidays so just put it down to holiday blues. We were still off work but he didn't seem to want to do anything we visited family and friends.

A week later I rang an estate agent to book an appointment to view a house. After hanging up he seemed anxious, I asked why. He then went on saying he didnt want to because things hadnt been going that good and he wanted to split.

 

He put his stuff in the spare room and that was it! I was in bits. I tried to talk he said we weren't right for each other not making each other happy. He said he still loved and cared for me but i didnt bring the best out in him.

We are both still at the flat we share and he is looking for somewhere new. At moments he forgets we have split and calls me my pet name or something or asks who a txt is off when my phone beeps.

 

I feel myself keep going over and over it and i want to stop it's not good for either of us. I keep breaking down, im not mentally strong anyway.

 

The thought of not having him in my life. The thought of living alone, being alone.

 

What I'm I suppose to do from here. I just want it how it was, it wasn't bad how can he not see that.

 

Thanks if you have read all that

[Blanco]

To me, the biggest thing that stands out is that you've been single for about three months in the last seven years. I don't know what your relationship history was prior to your four-year relationship, but to me, it seems like you are not comfortable being single. You would rather be in a relationship that is OK than be "alone."

 

You also mention that you don't have many people you can talk to. When that comes from a woman, I usually think she's someone who has not done well to maintain close friendships with other women and has put her social energies into monogamous romantic relationships. Would this be a fair assessment of you?

[Greenhawk84]

I am feeling mixed up signals as if he does not know which way to go either. Perhaps you need a good solid explanation on how he feels about you. It sounds like it would be possible to work it out, but don't settle for much more unpleasant experiences with him. It shouldn't be THAT hard to be with someone.

[Superchicken]

OK, first, your NUTS !.

A women will only be alone, if she desires it.

You have your health and future to look after.

 

 

Leave him be for a while. If he never comes back, so be it.

Personally, I think he's found someone else, but believe me, it's his loss.

 

 

These people, will ultimately be miserable in life. Because they will either be alone, or stuck with "Bottom of the Barrel" people themselves.

 

 

Leave your old self, and create a new you without him.

Get your hair done, nails, what ever, as long as it makes you feel better about yourself.

 

 

Once your happy with yourself again, then, you can start to allow others into your life. Until then, you may still have weird emotions.

 

 

Social media can be a blessing, or curse. Its all in how you interact, and how your respond to others.

The oldest female on my FB is in her late 70's, and we chat nearly everyday. She's in a nursing home in Florida, and she's happy with her life.

 

 

So, your never really alone, and there's always someone there to talk to and help you out.

 

 

This forum, is also your outlet, where you can tell us your issues, and then, you may help someone else with theirs.

 

 

When you get that sinking feeling again, just pop back here, and we all will try and help.

 

 

 

 

Again, for him, asta lavista Baby !.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ted.

[aloneandscared]

I don't like being alone to me relationships are more important than friendships. I do have friends just don't want to annoy them by going on.

I love to love and care and all i've ever wanted was to be adored.

He doesn't have anyone else, he said he wants to be single for a while because it wasnt long enough the last time and he enjoyed it.

I know im nuts. Like i said i do have bad mental health and maybe this is why he didnt want to say anything. He is a caring person and keeps saying look for the positives.

Edited July 18, 2017 by aloneandscared

[preraph]

I'm sorry you are struggling with mental health issues which makes going through anything just harder. I hope you are dealing with those with a professional. If not, it's time. Make your life easier.

 

Bickering all the time isn't a good relationship, even if it's small things. I'm afraid you are afraid to be alone and not picky enough to wait for the right man and get your issues straightened out so you can do so. Not all men are at all about "adoring" a woman, I'm afraid. If you don't give it plenty of time to get to know each other, to him, it may just be about sex and convenience.

 

I think you do need to deal with your issues and live on your own until you do. Depending on your own self can be a reward in itself and give you confidence, and you may find you don't hate it that much.

[Blanco]

I don't like being alone to me relationships are more important than friendships.

 

In some ways, I think this is an OK mentality. In others, I think it illustrates part of your problem. I've had some really solid relationships over the years, but it's been my friends who have really been there for me through the lean times. I know a few women who do not place much emphasis on quality friendships. Not surprisingly, these women are rarely single.

 

It's not inherently bad to be in a string of committed relationships. The problem is that if you aren't maintaining and nurturing close friendships, you are leaving yourself vulnerable to depend on your partner for most of your social needs. This behavior isolates us from others and makes it harder to leave relationships that probably should end.

 

Moreover, if a relationship does end for someone like this, they might find themselves feeling even more isolated and heartbroken, as they will not have close friends to lean on and help them through the breakup. This is why we see these women quickly latch on to a new person; they can't be alone, because they don't know how to be. And if they aren't in a relationship, then they are socially isolated, because they haven't bothered to have a social life outside of their partner.

 

I love to love and care and all i've ever wanted was to be adored.

 

Everyone wants to be wanted, but it's possible you're looking to men to fill an emotional void.

[aloneandscared]

Ok so he has found a new flat and is moving out at the end of the week. He seems excited and happy, he's being friendly and wants to remain friends.

I am a mess haven't ate properly (lost a lot of weight) cannot get out of bed in the morning just feel like giving up.

When he's around i try to be all upbeat and yeah this is nothing hoping he doesn't notice it's killing me.

I feel used, rejected and humiliated to say the least.

I stressing about my finances, my health (M.E) coping with my job.

I keep thinking his metal health cannot be that good his behaviour seems eratic. Surely, people talk more not just make a decision and boom done. It's like the most surreal experience i've ever had, people keep saying well he must have someone else but he doesn't. Or you must of known but nothing was that bad.

Anyways my question was do I have him as a 'friend'? Im not sure what that even means to be honest.

Thanks

[Superchicken]

How can you have some one as a friend, if you have feelings for them ?.

It would tear you every time you see him, think of him, and want him.

You will never start to get over him.

 

 

So, start getting yourself ready now.

Make plans without him in them.

You have too, or you will waste away to nothing.

 

 

And for petes sake, go eat something.

Without some nutrient's, you will get weaker and weaker.

 

 

Just not "Chicken" !.

 

 

 

 

Ted.

[stillafool]

Ok so he has found a new flat and is moving out at the end of the week. He seems excited and happy, he's being friendly and wants to remain friends.

I am a mess haven't ate properly (lost a lot of weight) cannot get out of bed in the morning just feel like giving up.

When he's around i try to be all upbeat and yeah this is nothing hoping he doesn't notice it's killing me.

I feel used, rejected and humiliated to say the least.

I stressing about my finances, my health (M.E) coping with my job.

I keep thinking his metal health cannot be that good his behaviour seems eratic. Surely, people talk more not just make a decision and boom done. It's like the most surreal experience i've ever had, people keep saying well he must have someone else but he doesn't. Or you must of known but nothing was that bad.

Anyways my question was do I have him as a 'friend'? Im not sure what that even means to be honest.

Thanks

 

Usually when a person decides to break up they have already gone over it a hundred times in their mind whether it is the right decision. This is probably why he isn't talking about it. I don't see why you have to hide your true feelings from him by pretending to be upbeat when you are not. No, it is a bad idea to remain friends with him because it will keep you in pain seeing him happily moving on with his new life. What if he does start dating a new woman? You don't want to be around for that. I think once he moves out you will start feeling a bit better in a couple of weeks and can start moving forward with your new life. I don't know why you feel used as it doesn't seem that he used you from what you've described. Sometimes relationships just don't go the full circle.

Edited July 24, 2017 by stillafool