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[UPDATED] Guy went cold/lost interest unexpectedly. Any shot of him coming back?

Miss Spider

By Miss Spider
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thefooloftheyear Established Member

thefooloftheyear

Posted
Posted (edited)
no disrespect to anyone - None taken.

 

armchair psycho analysis - I/we can never say with any certainty that our views/opinions are spot on without ever having met the OP or interviewing/profiling. However, I am giving insight based on her entire thread history and further pointing out possibilities/likelihoods even after her own admission that she, herself, sees/understands about herself while sitting in my almost $400K armchair ($ spent so far on education in psychiatry/psychology.) But, again, I will reiterate that I cannot and do not give diagnoses, only my personal opinions about what I read here and sometimes see hallmark queues about what may be going on.

 

Nevertheless, the truth is, yeah, this guy and others may simply have not been interested enough at least. But, she really hasn't given them much opportunity to proceed because she frequently plays a game with them and they fail to meet her stringent rules.

 

I thought it was against forum rules to proclaim someone needed mental health treatment or that they had a mental condition....Seems a bit irresponsible, if nothing else...I certainly wouldn't, esp based on such little info, but that's me...

 

Just an observation here, I am not looking to start any wars, but when I read some of these threads, it does seem like women are particularly hard on other women that may struggle...Whether its projection, or the feeling that someone else's problems need to be worse than their own. I dunno...Like I said, just an observation..and I have observed similar instances in real life as well...

 

There are zillions of people in this world that seemingly do everything "wrong" yet have absolutely no trouble finding someone(s) that meets their needs and live happily ever after..And there are others that do everything "right" yet struggle mightily....If nothing else, that should confirm the fact that unless something obvious like verbal abuse, or something else egregious, there are no "rules" or patterns that are detrimental...People do what they do, and generally operate within their comfort zone.....

 

The scenario the OP laid out in the original post, didn't seem so horrendous, IMO.,..I wouldn't necessarily see it as a "game', as others mentioned, heck, she doesn't even really know him yet...Now maybe there was additional info and I missed it? I guess that's a possibility..

 

TFY

Edited by thefooloftheyear
  • Like 1
JuneL Established Member

JuneL

Posted
Posted
Guys who are sincerely interested wouldn't have let one day get in his way...especially after you then reached out to him..

 

TFY

 

They met online and have had some superficial conversations here and there. How can one be "sincerely interested" in a person who is more or less a stranger? :confused:

  • Like 6
thefooloftheyear Established Member

thefooloftheyear

Posted
Posted
They met online and have had some superficial conversations here and there. How can one be "sincerely interested" in a person who is more or less a stranger? :confused:

 

 

Poor choice of words on my part,

 

If he actually wanted and desired to get to know her better, then he wouldn't have let one day get in his way...especially after you then reached out to him..

 

Any better?? ;)

 

TFY

  • Like 1
Bastile Established Member

Bastile

Posted
Posted
This theme that seems so prevalent on LS where each aphorism begins with, "if they're seriously into you..." followed by a little nugget of universal truth that defines all male behavior, well, it just cracks me up.

 

Firstly, what if he's NOT seriously into her... is that an automatic discard? Maybe she's seriously into him! Maybe he assessed the flakiness accurately and he's better at it than she is. Maybe he's a guy with options and won't chase skirt like a dog in heat. Maybe he's cool enough to lay back and let her go through the spin cycle until she's ready to get real.

 

What's a gal to do with a guy who won't play by womenz rules... when he's got what she wants and the tables are turned?

 

If he chases her, what will he have caught?

 

- she has serious communication issues

- she has serious social anxiety (he's in a band, it won't fly)

- she has a massive preference for push/pull

 

He's expected to ignore the red-flags and pursue? Only reason he will do that is if he's thinking with his little head, rather than his big one.

 

Heavy chasing is great for spinning plates, but it's crap for getting a steady girl.

 

The problem is that people are placing an importance on constructing any old relationship, rather than a very good one.

 

When women are turning you off by acting in daft ways, it's doing you a favour. It's telling you that she's incompatible with your lifestyle. When I've ignored that and tried to game regardless, it's always caused me various aggravation in the long run.

 

So strangely, some people are expecting his interest to be high enough to accept serious red-flags, which will blatantly just cause grief further down the road.

 

Just seems like a method for finding someone stupid enough to tolerate our sh*t - rather than finding a good mutually positive relationship of compatible people where both contribute.

  • Like 7
JuneL Established Member

JuneL

Posted
Posted
Poor choice of words on my part,

 

If he actually wanted and desired to get to know her better, then he wouldn't have let one day get in his way...especially after you then reached out to him..

 

Any better?? ;)

 

TFY

 

Sorry, I wasn't trying to pick on your choice of words, at all — as you can tell, I'm not a native English speaker myself. My guess is that the guy is good-looking himself (I got the impression from OP's threads that she's only attracted to a certain type look-wise) and he plays in a band. So he should attract his share of girls, and is not going to chase one particular woman he doesn't even know that well.

  • Like 4
Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

Posted
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I thought it was against forum rules to proclaim someone needed mental health treatment or that they had a mental condition....Seems a bit irresponsible,

 

No one has "proclaimed" that anyone has a mental illness as far as I have seen. I have seen hundreds of responses that suggest than an OP seek therapy and often suggest that there is something they see in that posters threads that suggest a disorder/"issue", etc. and most of the time the responder has pointed out personal experience to support their supposition.

 

And, it would be irresponsible to give a diagnoses. I would never proclaim a diagnosis. What I can do is provide insight into possibilities and it is up to the OP to decide whether or not that might possibly be a concern for them.

 

Everything on these boards should be viewed as "food for thought" only. That is the benefit of these boards -- a variety of viewpoints and analysis, a broader experience/knowledge set that an OP can decide to embrace or not depending on whether or not it seems to fit their situation.

 

The OP here, seems to be an intelligent, very nice young woman. Even if she is struggling with something in herself that may be contributing to her dating struggle, she is still a good person who just needs some guidance and insight.

  • Like 1
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Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

Posted
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Posted (edited)

Yea we never actually met face to face (not sure if he saw me in the crowd or not???) and barely text chatted(my fault). It's really not a huge deal :lol: Thank you all for your perspectives ��

Edited by Cookiesandough
knabe Established Member

knabe

Posted
Posted

1. This guy did not ghost you. Ghosting is when you are in a pattern of in person dating with clear and obvious romantic interest and then they disappear. He did not ghost you

 

2. You went to his concert and left. You chose to leave. This was not a date. If he was playing at a bar/restaurant he was technically working

 

3. He has a life. He is in a band. He has a job. He has family. So yes it IS possible he didn't have any time that week.

 

Your expectations are too high and you have too little patience.

  • Like 4
TaxMan Established Member

TaxMan

Posted
Posted (edited)
deleted

 

I agree with this. I think we assume that men are going to continue chasing women they are interested in no matter what kind of behavior women display toward them.

 

Case in point, I have been seeing a woman currently who I have a tremendous amount of interest in. She is smart, beautiful, funny, successful, compassionate, affectionate. I love her. BUT she has also flaked on a number of occasions, has played the push/pull game (despite being fully aware of my interest in her) and has been inconsistent in her behavior toward me, one day acting as though we are a couple and another day ignoring me completely.

 

I still think she's all of the things I mentioned above and on paper I am still completely interested in her, but I have stopped pursuing her b/c she behaves so immaturely. If she ever showed me that she was ready for a real commitment, I'd be back. But until then, I'm out.

 

She could say, "well, he was never really interested." But that only serves to deflect the blame away from herself, where it belongs.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted quoted post of banned member ~6
  • Like 3
SevenCity Established Member

SevenCity

Posted
Posted (edited)
deleted

 

Well said. I have been very interested in girls then quickly lost that interest after they demonstrated poor behaviors.

 

Had they not, my interest would have likely increased.

 

Life is short - I don't have time for games.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted quoted post of banned member ~6
  • Like 3
Versacehottie Established Member

Versacehottie

Posted
Posted
Poor choice of words on my part,

 

If he actually wanted and desired to get to know her better, then he wouldn't have let one day get in his way...especially after you then reached out to him..

 

Any better?? ;)

 

TFY

 

Point taken. Just guessing it was a series of events and way the interactions up until that point that may have caused whatever non-interested reaction he had. But even more importantly, he said he was still up for going out--was only fully busy in the coming week--and then the OP wrote him off. So whose fault is it that a day (or a week) couldn't be waited. It's a two way street. I wouldn't be expecting a guy to totally drop his entire week once she'd already been flakey with him. And it's just a fact of life; it's summer; people are busy. I wouldn't write off a guy that I was otherwise interested in because I had to wait a week to see him, if everything else was so far fine, which she barely could have known since she "met" him online, hates texting and they'd never had the first real date. She shouldn't be either that invested or uninvested at this point. It's not the big a deal.

  • Like 2
thefooloftheyear Established Member

thefooloftheyear

Posted
Posted (edited)
deleted

 

 

While you are entitled to your opinion, I sense some bitterness on your part(and some of the others with similar responses)...Like perhaps you have been used or jerked around by women and are now getting overly defensive about it..*shrug*...Never happened to me, so I have no real reason to get overly analytical or just believe that any woman who may be perhaps indecisive is immediately "playing games".

 

It has absolutely nothing to do with standards being low...not sure where you drew that conclusion...

 

Its not considered "relentless"pursuit if he contacted her after crossing signals a single time..If she went back and forth with the guy on several consecutive occasions, id buy that theory, but from what I read it was just a single time...It could just as easily been a case where she wasn't too sure of herself or maybe even some shyness...

 

TFY

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted quoted post of banned member ~6
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Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

Posted
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While you are entitled to your opinion, I sense some bitterness on your part(and some of the others with similar responses)...Like perhaps you have been used or jerked around by women and are now getting overly defensive about it..*shrug*...Never happened to me, so I have no real reason to get overly analytical or just believe that any woman who may be perhaps indecisive is immediately "playing games".

 

It has absolutely nothing to do with standards being low...not sure where you drew that conclusion...

 

Its not considered "relentless"pursuit if he contacted her after crossing signals a single time..If she went back and forth with the guy on several consecutive occasions, id buy that theory, but from what I read it was just a single time...It could just as easily been a case where she wasn't too sure of herself or maybe even some shyness...

 

TFY

 

We started talking and he wanted to meet Saturday. I said sure but I disappeared for a day, he asked if I wanted to meet the first time at his show on Friday, his friends always hang out after. I went, but I texted I didn't stick around, explained why(shy), he seemed understanding. He asked to meet and I lied and said I was out of town that day, maybe Monday. However, he asked me a question and I didn't respond to him until Sunday night. He was answering very thoughtfully within seconds up until that point. Then he stopped responding immediately so I asked if I did something wrong.

 

I honestly think he had some interest in meeting at one point, but just got annoyed and moved on/found an easier target. So everyone is a little bit right. Thanks, for some reason people think I'm like a terrible person around here sometimes. I'm just a little awkward

olivetree Established Member

olivetree

Posted
Posted
We started talking and he wanted to meet Saturday. I said sure but I disappeared for a day, he asked if I wanted to meet the first time at his show on Friday, his friends always hang out after. I went, but I texted I didn't stick around, explained why(shy), he seemed understanding. He asked to meet and I lied and said I was out of town that day, maybe Monday. However, he asked me a question and I didn't respond to him until Sunday night. He was answering very thoughtfully within seconds up until that point. Then he stopped responding immediately so I asked if I did something wrong.

 

I honestly think he had some interest in meeting at one point, but just got annoyed and moved on/found an easier target. So everyone is a little bit right. Thanks, for some reason people think I'm like a terrible person around here sometimes. I'm just a little awkward

 

You're not terrible, but you do the same thing over and over.

 

Think about it from his point of view.

You went to the show.

So you saw him in person.

Plus you saw him doing what he is passionate about.

And then you just left without saying hi.

Then you were barely responsive via text and didn't offer an alternate date after you turned him down for a proper date for the second time.

Holy buzz kill.

 

Unlike your reverse attraction, healthy people are attracted to others that show interest in them and lose interest in those who aren't.

 

The solution is to become a person that YOU actually like so that you don't think a guy is crazy and repulsive for liking you.

  • Like 6
bluefeather Established Member

bluefeather

Posted
Posted

I don't think you're a terrible person. But I also don't think you're just a little bit awkward. Your stories seem to often start out with your interest in someone and then follow with you quickly running away, and raising up a lot of emotional barriers. And when people call you out on it, you deflect, using tactics that seem well practiced. After that, some people become frustrated, because they attempt to reason with you, and it doesn't seem to work.

 

I like the way Redhead14 put it, though. It's all just food for thought. It's up to you to take what you will from it.

  • Like 3
Robert Established Member

Robert

Posted
Posted

Sorry folks. We had two previously banned members posting in this thread. We've removed them and attempted to retain as much content as possible. ~6

  • Like 1
Versacehottie Established Member

Versacehottie

Posted
Posted
I don't think you're a terrible person. But I also don't think you're just a little bit awkward. Your stories seem to often start out with your interest in someone and then follow with you quickly running away, and raising up a lot of emotional barriers. And when people call you out on it, you deflect, using tactics that seem well practiced. After that, some people become frustrated, because they attempt to reason with you, and it doesn't seem to work.

 

I like the way Redhead14 put it, though. It's all just food for thought. It's up to you to take what you will from it.

 

I definitely don't think you are a terrible person. Nor do I think you are awkward at all (you seem really cool!). Coping mechanisms not serving you though. I would say having the self-awareness to "like" everyone's comments on the spectrum on responses shows a maturity that is not often seen. Also perhaps a willingness to change and learn? Hopefully.

 

That's why on my end, it can seem like I'm criticizing (there's a bit of that undoubtedly) but as Bastile said and I strongly believe there is a great example in this very dating scenario that you can grow leaps and bounds from. Your willingness to share the experience helps you get valuable advice (which like others said you can choose to take what works for you). I think it's the MOST important thing to learn constructively from events that did not go the way you hoped or expected them to--like this one. Take what you did that you can change to have a better result next time. This never means the other person involved in the event was not at fault or didn't contribute to a not ideal outcome--it only means that you are the only one who can change your part and most benefit from it going forward. You can't control what the other person will do and why not learn from past mistakes to optimize your own life.

 

If there is a learning lesson there, I would want to take it. Also the fact that lots of us are chiming in on your situation doesn't mean you are bad and we are good--maybe only that our neutral positions of not truly being invested in the outcome allows a perspective that it would be hard for you to have. I would want to take the lessons you can gather from this event and characterize the entire event to SERVE you and lift you up rather than summarize it in a way that tears you down--which repeated "failures" without introspection have a tendency to do. I think everyone that has commented on this thread actually wants to see you succeed in dating. I know I would be really happy for you! Good luck

  • Like 2
spiderowl Established Member

spiderowl

Posted
Posted

"I honestly think he had some interest in meeting at one point, but just got annoyed and moved on/found an easier target. So everyone is a little bit right. Thanks, for some reason people think I'm like a terrible person around here sometimes. I'm just a little awkward"

 

OP you are assuming an awful lot here. It sounds like he did have some interest and then you were seemingly erratic (imagine how he felt from your reactions) so he backed off a bit. That does not suggest he got annoyed or that he had moved on. It does suggest he took a step back to see whether things would get clearer or not. You just need to be more consistent with guys if you want to develop anything with them. A bit erratic can be ok but overall consistency is important to build trust.

 

If someone does not reply in a timely way, it causes unease. If they turn down an invitation or turn up but do not say hello, then you would wonder if they want to meet you. In any of those cases, the natural reaction would not be anger but uncertainty or confusion. It sounds like you expect people to be angry with you. Is that why you are avoiding building anything with guys because you fear they will turn angry?

  • Like 1
TheFinalWord Established Member

TheFinalWord

Posted
Posted
he can't find a single moment for me in a week and he also never acknowledged my Instagram or added me.

 

I can see this going both ways. He would have done better to ask you on a date, by yourself, rather than a social gathering, where the ability for individual interaction would be less likely.

 

In any event, you got a taste for his life. His music is his top priority. You will have to be more independent and likely have to work around his schedule if you want to date this type of guy. You don't sound amendable to that situation. So, it's probably best to move on. If he contacts you again, and you are really interested, you might bring up an exclusive date with just the two of you. Best of luck to you! :bunny:

  • Like 2
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Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)

 

Thank you, Versace, Bastille, redhead, olive, blue, spider, everyone!! I can't thank you enough for the advice and encouragement. I am learning and going to listen and take the advice. Apply it to my OLD

 

Thefinalword- (I'm wish I could have let you had the final word )

 

but exactly !!!!I know this guy lives and breathes music. I've no doubt He works hard and it's the first thing in his life. I just can't deal with those types, though. My ex was that type and everything was about music.. He just seemed interesting and manages this place I like ... then he told me I thought fuuuuuuuuuuu - he's never gonna quit about music. That's part of why I avoided talking to him.

 

I'm so relieved it didn't work out. �� Thank you

Edited by Cookiesandough
  • Like 1
Mkn1010 Established Member

Mkn1010

Posted
Posted
Thank you, Versace, Bastille, redhead, olive, blue, spider, everyone!! I can't thank you enough for the advice and encouragement. I am learning and going to listen and take the advice. Apply it to my OLD

 

 

Wait whaaaaaaaaat?? Apply it to OLD????..... that is NOT what I took from the awesome advice I read in this thread, but rather to cool it on dating until you sort yourself out (therapy).

 

 

I'm sorry but I just feel that some very insightful people have told you some remarkably helpful things (and put n a b*tload of time for YOU) and your take on it is to feel really relieved that things didn't work out with this guy??? Sounds like a quick way to rationalize the outcome as a good move on your part. No lessons in that approach for your OWN behavior!

  • Like 5
bluefeather Established Member

bluefeather

Posted
Posted
Wait whaaaaaaaaat?? Apply it to OLD????..... that is NOT what I took from the awesome advice I read in this thread, but rather to cool it on dating until you sort yourself out (therapy).

 

 

I'm sorry but I just feel that some very insightful people have told you some remarkably helpful things (and put n a b*tload of time for YOU) and your take on it is to feel really relieved that things didn't work out with this guy??? Sounds like a quick way to rationalize the outcome as a good move on your part. No lessons in that approach for your OWN behavior!

 

Like I said - deflecting.

  • Like 3
Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

Posted
Posted

I like the way Redhead14 put it, though. It's all just food for thought. It's up to you to take what you will from it. -- This is a case where we've led the horse to water, but the horse can't drink it.

  • Like 2
  • 1 month later...
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Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)

Just updating... Did come back..Don't they always though. I blocked this guy right after he gave me excuse. But I fired up tinder again recently and matched him out of curiosity. He messaged me "We meet again! What happened?" :rolleyes: Yeah, buddy, we know what happened. You blew me off. Then he "presume we both got busy". Anyway, I unblocked him and he initiated a date this Wednesday. No pussyfooting which is like praise jesus hallelujah if you know anything about OLD. But I'm wondering that since he blew me off for a week if this is a horrible idea to give him another chance. We never really got to have a first date and the excuses he gave weren't total lies because he did make Tshirts since we are now Instagram friends. I just don't know if I made a mistake or I am just excusing his behavior because I am desperate, he manages a place I go to, and he's physically attractive.

 

I don't really think I like him that much anymore. I think I'm going to cancel.

EDIT: I'm definitely canceling tmrw. It's over. Thread can be closed ty

Edited by Cookiesandough
bluefeather Established Member

bluefeather

Posted
Posted

I'm curious to know what thought made you realize that this was not a good idea. It's interesting to read your thoughts sometimes because it seems like you have gone through some changes since time has passed. And by changes, I mean some kind of insight that makes me go, "hmm, interesting." idk if that makes sense.. Maybe I'm just talking out my butt. Anyway, I hope, hope that you don't just ghost the guy, and instead tell him something quick like "it ain't gonna work" or something? That'd be my only suggestion. But if you've already went through a dance like that with him, :shrug: I'd have to catch back up with this thread to give more input, but since you wanna close it, C'est la vie.

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