jackj0044 Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 Need some advice please, been seeing this girl for a few a months, we get on really well, she cooks for me and we spend quite a bit of time together. She says she doesn’t only want NSA but to be in a committed serious relationship but the only issue is she shares a small house with a guy just them 2. Hes single and they’ve been friends for a few years, have dinner and go to the pub together sometimes. They’re both in the same line of work and have quite a lot in common but they only started house sharing a short while before I met her. Ive got my own place but she always seems to want me to go to hers instead when he’s there and I never see him have any girls over. I’ve met the guy and he seems cool when I’m there but have started noticing a few odd things. I don’t really wanna bring it up to her as an issue without sounding needy or insecure but at the same time I don’t think I can get into something so serious with her when they could be ex’s or getting up to anything and I’d be none the wiser to it. I mentioned once that I was thinking of moving into a house with another girl to save money on rent and she did not like the idea one bit. Has anyone ever had this experience? Im thinking of just cutting ties with her and telling her to keep looking or should I just man up and learn to trust her incase its a thing?
darkmoon Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 (edited) I know how you feel. Keep looking. I always felt that I would be on the edge of my nearly-boyf's life and that his female roomie was a quasi-wife, more close to him than I could get. She cooked for them both. He called her "sweet". I passed. His loss. And she was not so sweet as to move out. Hm! Edited July 18, 2017 by darkmoon
Superchicken Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 Well, I was all in favour of letting her share a house with a bloke, until you said she didn't like you doing it. It shouldn't be an issue if you met her and she was already living with a dude. Because, she wouldn't have started a relationship with you if there was something going on with him. But, man, that's total crap that she hates you doing the same thing. She has double standards. The old "Do what I say, not what I do" routine. What's good for the goose, is good for the chicken !.. Don't be a chicken too much longer. Have the talk now and get your issues heard, before you over commit, and get hung to dry by your willy whacker !. Ted. 4
smackie9 Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 Her situation could be quite innocent no matter how suspect it looks. If she has you over there all the time, IMO this guy is totally friend zoned. But whether or not they are exes or slept together or whatever. It's the living situation you don't approve of. You should have thought of that when you met her. Now end it and move on. 2
O'Malley Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 Is the roommate friendly and welcoming towards you? What odd things have you noticed? I'm surprised that she hasn't mentioned the background of how he became her roommate (if for no other reason than to be transparent about the situation). Casually ask her how they met and what prompted him moving in; gauge her reaction and go from there.
Author jackj0044 Posted July 18, 2017 Author Posted July 18, 2017 @ darkmoon - Exactly what it feels like. They spend a lot more time together and maybe they talk differently to each other when I'm not around. Cant help but feel shes getting the best of both worlds by having me and then this whole other 'quasi' married life at home. The whole thing just seems a bit weird @ Superchicken - This is one thing that concerned me, I never had an issue that she was already living a dude, I assumed maybe he did his own thing/had a gf who visits him or who he visits. I was just surprised when she did not like the idea of me living with a female. The first thing she said was 'what if shes attractive and you leave me for her'  @smackie9 - I'm not there all the time, just couple times a week. I stay the night most of the time so my initial thought was that he was totally friend zoned but now I'm not so sure. I dont know the history between them even though its none of my business, just didnt want that to be the deal breaker without getting to know the situation a bit more. Thanks for your replies, good to hear an outside opinion, thought I was just over thinking. I've been putting it to the back of mind and trying not to care but gonna have to talk with her, even though I know it will be more or less be over when I mention the room mate. Shes friends with him and its her home, so I don't want to be the jealous/insecure guy that has just come along and making her choose. The same time I dont wanna commit to her and be worrying whats shes getting up to at home, not the life I want to be living!
MountainGirl111 Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 If something bothers you it bothers you. You have a right to be bothered and should let no one tell you different. This obviously bothers you. So what are you going to do about it? Also, she's giving you a double standard, which at the core is just not straight arrow or totally honest. If she thinks it's okay to live with a guy, but not okay for you to live with a gal, there's something wrong with that picture. Her true character is showing. 1
kendahke Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 when I’m there but have started noticing a few odd things. such as? I don’t really wanna bring it up to her as an issue without sounding needy or insecure but at the same time I don’t think I can get into something so serious with her when they could be ex’s or getting up to anything and I’d be none the wiser to it. So instead of bringing it up to her to get clear on what's going on, you'd rather be in the dark and speculate with no information, yet: I mentioned once that I was thinking of moving into a house with another girl to save money on rent and she did not like the idea one bit. You're playing games with her because you dont' want to bring it up? Man, she called your bluff. What you propose has nothing to do with her situation--it was done out of insecurity and no information. Just leave her alone. Too much game playing for this to go anywhere. 3
smackie9 Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 I dont wanna commit to her and be worrying whats shes getting up to at home, not the life I want to be living! Then you answer is quite simple....breakup with her.
Author jackj0044 Posted July 18, 2017 Author Posted July 18, 2017 Just odd things around house I've noticed, it almost as if they moved in as a married couple, though she said she lived with a female friend before who moved out. Like I said, any history between them is not my business but I don't wanna be stepping into the middle of something. The guy is cool, friendly and welcoming but I dont know what sort of person he is so I can only take it at face value. Insecurity and no information? I wasn't playing games with her, I am looking for a share as I want to save money to buy a house. It just so happend to be a female that lived there but I didnt think it would be a problem as she lives with a guy. I think if she was calling my bluff she would atleast pretended to be cool with it at first. Its just a shame as we get on really well, seems silly to throw it away because of her living situation, thats why I kind of put it in the back of my mind before....but clearly it sounds like these kind of relationships dont last.
act00 Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 You've been seeing this girl for "a few months." How is it NOT your business? Just ask how they met. It doesn't have to be accusatory. I'm surprised this hasn't come up already by now, by either her, him, or you. How do you date someone for a few months and not bring up something like -- who they live with. If it was a female roommate, would you feel safer asking how they met? Was it an ad, old school friends, her best friend's cousin needed a place, she needed a place and her brother's buddy was looking for a roommate? It's a valid question. Of course, you may be opening a can o' worms and find out they used to date or had a casual thing going before you met, but it's better to know, don't you think? 1
kendahke Posted July 19, 2017 Posted July 19, 2017 Like I said, any history between them is not my business but I don't wanna be stepping into the middle of something. The guy is cool, friendly and welcoming but I dont know what sort of person he is so I can only take it at face value. Then don't judge her based on your willful lack of information and your laziness in getting it. Insecurity and no information? I wasn't playing games with her, I am looking for a share as I want to save money to buy a house. It just so happend to be a female that lived there but I didnt think it would be a problem as she lives with a guy. I think if she was calling my bluff she would atleast pretended to be cool with it at first She exploded because you're judging how she lives. You're trying to compare apples to oranges. She and this guy had this arrangement before you came on the scene. You bring up seeking out a woman to share a house with after having started dating her and trying to forge a relationship, which reeks of jealous retaliation. The universe can fit between those differences. She's not stupid and she knows when her intelligence is being insulted. Its just a shame as we get on really well, seems silly to throw it away because of her living situation, thats why I kind of put it in the back of my mind before....but clearly it sounds like these kind of relationships dont last.No, they never do, especially when they know they're being played for stupid.
Author jackj0044 Posted July 19, 2017 Author Posted July 19, 2017 Is he attractive? Although short, not a fab slob
Author jackj0044 Posted July 19, 2017 Author Posted July 19, 2017 You've been seeing this girl for "a few months." How is it NOT your business? Just ask how they met. It doesn't have to be accusatory. I'm surprised this hasn't come up already by now, by either her, him, or you. How do you date someone for a few months and not bring up something like -- who they live with. If it was a female roommate, would you feel safer asking how they met? Was it an ad, old school friends, her best friend's cousin needed a place, she needed a place and her brother's buddy was looking for a roommate? It's a valid question. Of course, you may be opening a can o' worms and find out they used to date or had a casual thing going before you met, but it's better to know, don't you think? They met via a mutual friend who was looking for a room it was one of the first things that came up
Author jackj0044 Posted July 19, 2017 Author Posted July 19, 2017 Then don't judge her based on your willful lack of information and your laziness in getting it. She exploded because you're judging how she lives. You're trying to compare apples to oranges. She and this guy had this arrangement before you came on the scene. You bring up seeking out a woman to share a house with after having started dating her and trying to forge a relationship, which reeks of jealous retaliation. The universe can fit between those differences. She's not stupid and she knows when her intelligence is being insulted. No, they never do, especially when they know they're being played for stupid. There is no lack of information but I can only go by what she tells me. I think you have the wrong end of the stick here, I didnt intentionally seek a woman to share with as she was sharing with a guy, thats childs play. I had looked at others with males present however, this place in particular was the best one I had seen in terms of the place itself and location. If I was judging her based on how she lives I would have cut it off as soon as she told me she has a male room mate. Like I said, I didnt think it would be a problem anyway. So what your saying is, because she lives with a guy I should avoid moving in with a girl as it will look as though I did it purely out of jealousy?
sadpanda3 Posted July 19, 2017 Posted July 19, 2017 Well, I was all in favour of letting her share a house with a bloke, until you said she didn't like you doing it. This. I don't think she would mind if her own situation was completely innocent.
doyathinkso Posted July 19, 2017 Posted July 19, 2017 Maybe they're setting you up for a threesome. Do you remember that old Seinfeld episode about George dating a girl who had a guy room-mate? Just say 'menage a trois' and see how she reacts.
kendahke Posted July 19, 2017 Posted July 19, 2017 I think you have the wrong end of the stick here, I didnt intentionally seek a woman to share with as she was sharing with a guy, Actually, I don't. You said: I mentioned once that I was thinking of moving into a house with another girl to save money on rent You didn't say "I'm thinking of moving into a house with one of my friends to save money". You specifically said "with another girl", so yeah, you did. And it is child's play. Like I said, I didnt think it would be a problem anyway. So what your saying is, because she lives with a guy I should avoid moving in with a girl as it will look as though I did it purely out of jealousy? No. That's you twisting what I said because it stung. What I'm saying is because she lives with a guy, you should avoid playing tit-for-tat "I feel insecure/intimidated so I'm going to mess with your head" games because THAT looks like you did it purely out of jealousy.
Author jackj0044 Posted July 19, 2017 Author Posted July 19, 2017 Maybe they're setting you up for a threesome. Do you remember that old Seinfeld episode about George dating a girl who had a guy room-mate? Just say 'menage a trois' and see how she reacts. Never thought of it like that, I'll try those words and let you know the outcome...
Author jackj0044 Posted July 19, 2017 Author Posted July 19, 2017 Actually, I don't. You said: You didn't say "I'm thinking of moving into a house with one of my friends to save money". You specifically said "with another girl", so yeah, you did. And it is child's play. No. That's you twisting what I said because it stung. What I'm saying is because she lives with a guy, you should avoid playing tit-for-tat "I feel insecure/intimidated so I'm going to mess with your head" games because THAT looks like you did it purely out of jealousy. Obviously I didnt say it to her like that, I said I found a room and then she asked how many people live there so I told her. Really don't see how thats playing games. So you think shes in the right to not be ok about it? Even though I had been fine with her situation prior to that. I could have just told her to keep looking straight away but gave her the benefit of the doubt.
kendahke Posted July 19, 2017 Posted July 19, 2017 Obviously I didnt say it to her like that, I said I found a room and then she asked how many people live there so I told her. the ever changing story...
Author jackj0044 Posted July 19, 2017 Author Posted July 19, 2017 the ever changing story... No, its a summary of what was said. Didnt realise it had to be word for word transcript Think this whole thread has hit a nerve with you, I'm going to hazard a guess you've had a similar relationship in the past that didnt work out due to you having a male room mate
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