omisty Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 This may belong in sexual practices, if so, please transfer. I am engaged to a wonderful guy who treats me with respect whom I love very much. I am also extremely attracted to him. We have been together for about a year and are getting married in March. I an in my ealy 40s if that makes a difference and he is in his middle 40s. My problem, which my not be a problem at all.... I am addicted to him sexually. It is like I cannot get enough of him. He is starting to voice concerns that he thinks I am with him only for the sex which is absolutely not true. I love him very much and if we could never have sex again I would still be with him but... I have this consistent urge to have sex, make love, whatever I can get from him on a daily basis. It is like it is never enough. I have never had such a strong urge for sex before with anyone else. Am I wrong to feel this way?
kendahke Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 (edited) Feelings are neither right nor wrong: they just are. The behavior you put behind feelings is what enters into the arena of right and wrong. If what you say is true about wanting to be with him without sex being the driver, then do it... or don't do it as the case may be. Stop having sex. Get a grip on yourself and show him that you're in it for all of him and not just for his sex. All it takes is self discipline. Edited July 18, 2017 by kendahke 1
Rockdad Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 I had to smile reading and reflecting back. When my wife hit late 30's thru early 40's she was at her peak and was a hungry sex machine. It was not a problem for us. 1
Michelle ma Belle Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 Women hit their sexual peak/prime in their late thirties/early forties while men have theirs in their early twenties. Unfortunately, the older men get the lower their libido. Of course, there are always exceptions but this is very often the case. Your desires for your partner can feel magnified because of your age as well as the fact that you're in love. This may just be yet another case of mismatched libidos. Unfortunately, there are no quick fixes for this and often is the root cause of so many problems in relationships regardless whose doing the chasing. How often would YOU like to have sex? How often would your partner be content with having sex? Are you open to other ways to connect sexually or does it have to be full on penetration with all the bells and whistle all the time? 1
smackie9 Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 Give it another year and it will taper off. You are in the infatuation period, and your dopamine release is running high.
Author omisty Posted July 18, 2017 Author Posted July 18, 2017 He has never turned me down for sex and actually likes having it most of the time. He just has expressed a concern that he thinks I only want him for sex, not that he doesnt want sex. He says he likes the fact that I have a high sex drive. 1
Michelle ma Belle Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 He has never turned me down for sex and actually likes having it most of the time. He just has expressed a concern that he thinks I only want him for sex, not that he doesnt want sex. He says he likes the fact that I have a high sex drive. Then I'm not sure what the problem is :/ Surely he doesn't really think that if he's marrying you. How did he bring it up? Was it a serious sit down or just a flippant comment on the fly? In either case, most men would give their left arm to be in your man's position. If he hasn't turned you down for sex and says he enjoys the fact that you have a high sex drive, I'm not understanding why you're concerned... 2
Redhead14 Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 He has never turned me down for sex and actually likes having it most of the time. He just has expressed a concern that he thinks I only want him for sex, not that he doesnt want sex. He says he likes the fact that I have a high sex drive. He just has expressed a concern that he thinks I only want him for sex -- It's usually the woman who is saying something like this about a guy But, most of the time, the woman is saying that because she's not feeling or getting much if anything else from the guy in terms of having her needs met. In other words, there's not much else going on in between. Are you showing him in other ways that you care about him? Ask him what he needs from you to demonstrate that it's not all about that . . .
Gaeta Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 Welcome to your 40's. You are still in your infatuation phase. If I were you I'd wait till it's past before making serious plans like marriage. Once the infatuation phase will pass, and it will, you may discover you have nothing else in common. Oh here is a thought! is it possible you don't have much interest in common so there is nothing else to do but to have sex?
central Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 (edited) It's only a problem because he is concerned about your level of commitment aside from sex. Just keep reassuring him, and pointing out specific things that you love about him that are not about sex. BTW, you are both very fortunate! With a little luck, this will last a very long time, too. My wife and I were near your ages when we met, and always wanted each other - twice a day, sometimes more, if we could. Now - 17 years later - it's no different, but we've slowed down to daily or a bit more. It's not an addiction - just very satisfying and bonding. I do suggest waiting at least two years before marrying, and only after living together for a year as well. You're moving rather fast, IMO, but that just means you have to be extra observant and cautious about possible issues. One of those issues is that the initial hormonal attraction usually wears off after about 18 months, and only then will you know your probably baseline libido. Edited July 18, 2017 by central 1
thefooloftheyear Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 If anything, be it sex, religion, politics, Facebook, exercise, cats, whatever, begin to dominate your thought process enough where you starting to question it, then it's likely a problem and it may actually scare off your guy.... In either case, most men would give their left arm to be in your man's position. If he hasn't turned you down for sex and says he enjoys the fact that you have a high sex drive, I'm not understanding why you're concerned... And no....I am not kidding....And it's a false assumption(quote above) a lot of women make(that grown men are like 17 year old boys giggling at the sight of a pair of tits and walking around with a boner all day:rolleyes:).. I think some women(not saying it's true with the OP). use sex as a bonding tool...In some cases its not so much raging libido, but rather it's feeding some deep insecurity ... Think about it... TFY 5
kendahke Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 He has never turned me down for sex and actually likes having it most of the time. He just has expressed a concern that he thinks I only want him for sex, not that he doesnt want sex. He says he likes the fact that I have a high sex drive. I think it's great that your libido is robust. When I was in my 40's, I went through a phase where it seemed like the men I was meeting all were like vestal virgins or something--they were not into sex or said "you're using me for sex". I was like "dafuq?" It seemed that once I started meeting men in their 50's that their sex drive came back from the dead. I happened to have lucked out with my ex in that his drive matched mine... it's just that, turns out, he didn't stop with me. I supposed what you need to do is incorporate more ways of showing him that you're there for all of him. I'm guessing you've read "the 5 love languages", so which of those languages is him and how do you make sure he knows you want all of him, not one aspect of him?
Author omisty Posted July 18, 2017 Author Posted July 18, 2017 Gaeta: We actually have a lot in common. We listen to the same music so we love going to concerts together. We work out together, hikings, etc. We spend alot of time with our respective children together. We get along very well. I am extremely happy with him considering I came out of an abusive relationship three years ago. The issue was not brought up during a serious conversations, just something he mentioned in general conversation when I told him he was sexy. Which I do alot. But he also calls me beautiful. He did also mention that he feels I am holding back sexually, which I have been. I hold back because I dont want him to fee like it is all about sex. I did tell him that and he wants me to go all out. He wants to see what I have. Which to me is a little contradicting to the fact that he mentioned I only want him for sex. I do have plans to open up more sexually because I want him to love all of me, everything that I am. 1
Miss Spider Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 Aw I think this is very sweet. We should all feel this way about our partbers 1
Gaeta Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 The issue was not brought up during a serious conversations, just something he mentioned in general conversation when I told him he was sexy. Which I do alot. But he also calls me beautiful. Do you give him other compliments than his sexiness?
Author omisty Posted July 18, 2017 Author Posted July 18, 2017 Gaeta: Now that I think about it, no. I tell him he is sexy alot. But I do it because he is insecure about himself and I want him to know I love the way he looks. I should probably give him other compliments.
Gaeta Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 Gaeta: Now that I think about it, no. I tell him he is sexy alot. But I do it because he is insecure about himself and I want him to know I love the way he looks. I should probably give him other compliments. Oh absolutely! men love other compliments that also boost their self-esteem like how smart and witty they are to have solved a problem for you, how kind and generous he is for ..., how funny he is..., tell him how he makes you feel safe.
Woggle Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 Compliment him in other areas but keep the sexual ones as well. You have a man who treats you will and is a good person plus you are head over heels hot for him. This guy is living the dream and he should appreciate it.
GunslingerRoland Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 Considering he the just said it jokingly and you have a lot of good reasons to clearly show the fact that you don't like him for sex, I have to ask if the fact you made this thread, means that you subconsciously think there is some truth behind it? 1
Michelle ma Belle Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 (edited) Considering he the just said it jokingly and you have a lot of good reasons to clearly show the fact that you don't like him for sex, I have to ask if the fact you made this thread, means that you subconsciously think there is some truth behind it? I second this. The more you post about this the harder it is for me to see what the problem is which begs the question if it's YOU who has the problem? If this is really about YOU having an issue with things deep down or subconsciously? It's like he hit a nerve with that comment he made. Edited July 18, 2017 by Michelle ma Belle
Author omisty Posted July 18, 2017 Author Posted July 18, 2017 I dont have a problem with it. I guess I should have worded it differently in my post. I do think that even though he jokingly mentioned it that he may in the back of his mind be thinking that way and that is why I made the post. To get some insight on to what he is really thinking. If there is any validity to it or if it was just a joking comment.
Michelle ma Belle Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 I dont have a problem with it. I guess I should have worded it differently in my post. I do think that even though he jokingly mentioned it that he may in the back of his mind be thinking that way and that is why I made the post. To get some insight on to what he is really thinking. If there is any validity to it or if it was just a joking comment. I seriously think he was just joking with you. Nothing you've said is setting off alarm bells for me especially since he's commented how much he enjoys your high libido AND is now asking you to be less inhibited with him knowing you've been holding back. Chalk this up as unnecessarily overthinking and just enjoy! 1
lurker74 Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 Im in my early 40s....GF is in her mid 40s. She's a sexual energizer bunny. I can't keep up and it's the first time in my life where I've considered, hmm...how about just watching a movie. And sometimes I feel like the sex is a crutch because when the oxytocin gets running for her, she gets very attached. But I've learned to accept it and believe that the sex is just the physical manifestation of what's already occurring emotionally. So now, I just hold on and ride. So far (6 months), it's been great. Just hang in there...he probably wonders sometimes but then gets over it quickly.
SammySammy Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 Women in their forties seem to be in their prime. The sex is great and I can't imagine it being a problem for a guy with a healthy libido unless he had concerns of keeping up. Even if that were the case, find a way to address it and enjoy the time of your lives. 1
harrybrown Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 Tell him we are jealous. and to enjoy it now. We wish that our mates felt like that about us. Keep it up, he is happy and listen to his comment about not holding back. That is the one you need to listen to and focus. 1
Recommended Posts