bawdseyben Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 So I broke up with this girl last weekend. We originally met on Tinder 7 months ago. She had come down from Manchester to work in London to take a year out to work from her PhD. We knew from the start she would most likely have to go home in a year, unless some amazing job opportunity came up. At the beginning we fell for each other hard, but as time progressed the elephant in the room of her moving back was not really spoken about. For the last month or so she was becoming a little distant at times, although we had some amazing times as well, and she looked me in my eyes and told me she loved me and meant it . I knew that she had worries that my heart was in it more, although I think I displayed more confidence in the relationship because I was worried that the conversation about her moving back would mean. At the weekend she broke up with me saying that it would be less painful than doing it in 9 months time, when she knew she would not want me to move back with her. There is a lot more to it than that, with a lot of different circumstances that came into play, and this is fresh so I am going to go for a period of NC for a month, see if she does contact me/ look at things differently when we do meet to exchange personal items. I truly believe there might be a chance, but I am not naive and I know my chances are slim. That I will need to respect her decision after this month has passed and move on. Here's the kicker.... We work right next to each other in central London. Literally a minutes walk. We would meet each other for lunch daily. The corner we said goodbye I have to walk through. Same tube. Every single park and lunch stop around has a memory of her. I can't escape and it is making so sad/ depressed/ anxious as result. I would like to start moving on if it does work out but it seems impossible with constant reminders everywhere and a very good chance I'll bump into her. It was easy enough to put all her stuff in a box but this honestly feels like HELL!!! Advice please
PegNosePete Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 Advice please You've already boxed her stuff up. You should give it back to her sooner rather than later. And you should make sure she hands you her box of your stuff, too. Once you have exchanged stuff, then you can begin NC properly. If you begin NC before that, you will constantly have in the back of your mind that you need to meet up to exchange stuff back sooner or later. Don't use "stuff" as an excuse to break NC, or allow it cause a hindrance to your NC, as so many others do. Exchange stuff now, get it over and done with. This moving back / distance thing is just an excuse to break up. If she really wanted to stay with you then she would find a way to make it work. There are plenty of solutions... you could have gone long-distance while she finishes her PhD; one of you could have moved; or you could both move to somewhere central. The fact that she didn't even discuss options, but rather made a unilateral decision to break up with you 9 months ahead of time, speaks volumes. Sorry, she simply wants to break up, and the distance gave her the perfect non-hurtful way to do it.
kortz Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 As the previous poster said, the whole moving back thing was just an excuse. If two people really want to be together and there are no show stopping reasons then they will be. And frankly London to Manchester isn't that far so it could have been made to work if it's what she wanted. As for all the places reminding you of her, those feelings will pass. I had to frequent the place where I met my ex after we broke up and for a while I felt anxious and sad about being there but now I don't care...and I've even seen her there a few times since. If you do see her then try avoid her if she doesn't see you. If she does see you then a brief hello or wave is all you need and then carry on. Don't stop around for idle chit chat or to see how each other is doing...at the end of the day she made the decision that she doesn't want you in her life, remember that! The fact is she'll probably be trying to avoid seeing you as well so it may turn out you don't bump into her.
Author bawdseyben Posted July 18, 2017 Author Posted July 18, 2017 Thanks for the advice. I know you guys are probably right, let me add a few more caveats, and I'd appreciate in further thoughts..... - She is not really enjoying it much in London and misses here friends terribly, I have been feeling for a while that there are some relationships in her life that give her support that I cannot give her. - Because we work close to each other and see each other every other evening it went from zero to a quite intense relationship quickly. She didn't really have the space to expand her social circle (its been 8 days and this is by far the longest we've been apart).When we exchanged a few texts after she said that space might have been a factor. - She was not over her ex when we met, he had dumped her and she lost a home that she had made. She told me at one point that she'd only move in with a guy if she married him. - This is a girl that frets over anything, and I know that she would have been incredibly guilty if I had gone and it didn't work out.
zanwalk Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 It's difficult medicine to swallow, but it seems clear that she meant more to you than you did to her. That does not mean you necessarily did anything wrong, but as you say she had recently broken up from her previous BF she was in a vulnerable position and welcomed your attention. Now she has had more time to reflect and feels it was best that you went your separate ways, nothing more you can do now other than try and move on yourself. It isn't easy, but it will get easier with time, just be strong and firm with NC.
preraph Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 Yeah, I had to work with a guy after a bad breakup. It takes strength. You, however, only need to probably adjust your schedule a little to mostly avoid running into her. Go to work early or ask to come to work 30 minutes later and leave 30 minutes later. Or just discipline yourself to start going down the road of not caring what she thinks anymore. You know, this hinges on you accepting it's over and realizing it's for the best and was not going to work. Good luck.
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