happy_luv Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 Hello, My boyfriend and I come from a very different family background, and different nationality. My family is well-off and very strict, whereas his parents are divorced and he grew up with a working mom and after high school he left home and rarely had contact with his parents. We survived a 5 year long distance relationship and finally decided to get married this year. However, my parents are expecting us to have a formal wedding ceremony, but his parents don't even care if he has any ceremony let alone him getting married. I explained his background to my parents and they understood us not being able to have a big wedding, but at least they expect a small ceremony with family members having lunch together, and that's the least they could give in to their daughter getting married and moving to a different country. Yes, I am moving to his country to be with him. His parents are not in the situation to go abroad, so my family suggested we could fly to my boyfriend's country and have a small ceremony there, but my boyfriend is firm about not having any ceremony at all and angry at me that my parents and I are expecting things while his parents and he doesn't need any ceremony and all he wants is to register the marriage with papers. I think marriage is not just about two people wanting to be together but also two families being involved somehow, so I can accept my parent's suggestion for a small wedding ceremony. If his parent's wanted something also, i think i could accept it too. However, my boyfriend doesn't think family members or parents should be involved at all for our wedding or marriage, and all he wants is me moving to his country and registering marriage papers. He's being so firm and stubborn about this idea, and tells me he's exhausted dealing with this, so i'm really frustrated and lost. I don't think my parent's are asking for too much. I'm not even going to wear a dress or walk down the aisle or anything- just a formal lunch with family members as a ceremony and he doesn't even want that. Sorry, I'm not good at writing. Is he being stubborn, or are my parent's asking for too much? I can't really think properly now. If you have any thoughts or suggestions for this, please share with me! Thanks in advance.
elaine567 Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 Be really careful as to what you are signing up for here. YOUR values and his core values do not line up and whilst this may be fine whilst you are in "love", then once you are married and living together it may be a source of great trouble ahead. This is your wedding, and instead of trying to make this the happiest day of your life, he is ruining it. YOU need to ask yourself why? I would be questioning his motives. How well do you actually know this man? He seems to want to isolate you from your country all you know and your parents... That is often the hallmark of an abuser. Be careful.
Erik30 Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 So why not have a wedding in your own country? (Since he and his family don't care about it) You're not asking for too much. I think a lot of guys don't really care about weddings, but they still want to give their bride a perfect day.... I don't know what that says about your future husband...
ExpatInItaly Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 Be really careful as to what you are signing up for here. YOUR values and his core values do not line up and whilst this may be fine whilst you are in "love", then once you are married and living together it may be a source of great trouble ahead. This is your wedding, and instead of trying to make this the happiest day of your life, he is ruining it. YOU need to ask yourself why? I would be questioning his motives. How well do you actually know this man? He seems to want to isolate you from your country all you know and your parents... That is often the hallmark of an abuser. Be careful. I was about to write the same thing. He sounds extremely unwilling to compromise, which doesn't bode well in a marriage. What is his problem with having at least a few close friends and family members present? Why does he feel nobody else but the two of you should be involved? I have a feeling there's more to this. I would be worried about what this means for the future. He is not considering your desires at all, really, which will likely get worse when you move to his country and are married to him. How much time have you spent together in person over the last five years? Where does he live?
CptInsano Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 I also would worry less about the wedding but more about the marriage. Are you certain that marriage means the same thing that it does to you? Some wrote that he is unwilling to compromise, and that may certainly be true, but I am even more concerned that his values in that regard may not align.
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