Robratory Posted July 19, 2017 Posted July 19, 2017 Dump him. You've already wasted three years. Don't waste any more. 1
SevenCity Posted July 19, 2017 Posted July 19, 2017 I’ve re-read all the posts and nowhere does she say he has been or is essentially ‘abusive’. Now it’s okay for someone to make that leap in their own mind from limited info, but to then make a full flooded 100% leave immediately approach with regards to someone else’s life – is for me a little over doctoring and a little ‘all knowing’ for me. This guy from what’s been said is very lazy, has lost his motivation, and is depressed. Yes it’s not fair on the OP at all, no excuse. But all I and a couple have said is it sounds like she hasn’t escalated enough to him how serious she is about him changing and you possibly leaving if things don’t change very soon. To proclaim the OP shouldn’t even escalate and give those chances before chucking him out or leaving is a little over the top. And to say he’s mentally ill is also a slight exaggeration. He’s depressed, un-motivated, and lacking self worth, respect. We’ve all had very low points in life. Of course there’s a limit to tolerating and supporting. But having experienced something similar and been that guy albeit to a lesser degree – there is every chance with some strong pushes and warning shots that he can pull himself out of it and return to the guy he was – or even better. However low the chance, all is being said is give that chance for the clear conscience if nothing else of having tried. Too many times on this forum people seem certain people should bail and run from a relationship they are in. It’s almost like we play out our own hurts from past relationships and advise against anyone persevering in 90% of situations described. No one here is certain this guy and this relationship couldn’t be turned around. If positive change doesn’t come about over the coming weeks then by all means bail. But the 100% run and done immediately advice...sorry – seems overly harsh to me. I thought the same. Posters are quick to say dump him and even dismiss her feeling of love for him - like they know the OP personally. The guy is obviously suffering from depression (and irresponsibility). Long term relationships aren't around every corner as some would have you believe. It's worth trying to repair. If that fails, sure kick him out. But guys often need a swift kick in the butt to go into action and make change. What's the harm in having a frank discussion and letting him know you'll leave if things don't improve? 2
basil67 Posted July 19, 2017 Posted July 19, 2017 The reason I didn't suggest an ultimatum is because I don't think it would work. That said, I agree there's no harm in trying. As long as she throws him out if/when he drops back to his old ways. He can't say that he wasn't warned. 1
BryanSmiley Posted July 20, 2017 Posted July 20, 2017 (edited) She isn't his mother and she isn't his wife. She is not responsible for him. He is responsible for himself and his family comes in second. If he was admitted to the hospital, she isn't his next of kin. He IS abusive in how he is treating her and taking advantage of her--and she is allowing it, so just like the airlines say, when the mask drops, put it over your face first, then tend to others. She needs to put herself first here and that means he needs to go back to his mother and sit in her house all day, using up her electricity/hot water/food, not doing housework and driving her car into the ground. Really don't care if you think that is harsh. Life and reality is harsh. Coddling a grown man you didn't birth or marry brings harsh repercussions. Her getting a call from law enforcement that her car is totaled as a result of an accident he was in and she is liable for damages is harsh. No one said she’s his mother, or wife, next of kin, or that she’s responsible for him. See your leaping to things like this overplaying it, to justify your overly strong advice. They’ve been in a relationship for 3 years. He’s demonstrated ability to be happy, responsible, earning money and contributing to the relationship for a longer period – than this low period has been going on for. That does count for something, demonstrates ability to recover, and warrants an amount of loyalty and a final warning/chance. You’ve also decided he drives his or her car around, what un-insured etc now as-well? I don’t recall her mentioning this (could be wrong, but if I’m not, stop adding in and assuming things to suite – talking of next of kin, car crashes - it’s unhelpful and distasteful). The mention of marriage exposes the difference here. So what, a piece of legal paper makes 100% difference, even if all other conditions were the same? You might say yes ‘legally’ but the OP hasn’t come here for ‘legal’ advice. She’s come here for advice and ideas on how to handle her relationship on a personal level. Now no one’s saying don’t be willing to chuck him out or walk away. Were with you there. But the way you are assuming and adding in details, and insisting she run immediately is over stepping the line a bit it would be fair to say. I thought the same. Posters are quick to say dump him and even dismiss her feeling of love for him - like they know the OP personally. The guy is obviously suffering from depression (and irresponsibility). Long term relationships aren't around every corner as some would have you believe. It's worth trying to repair. If that fails, sure kick him out. But guys often need a swift kick in the butt to go into action and make change. What's the harm in having a frank discussion and letting him know you'll leave if things don't improve? The reason I didn't suggest an ultimatum is because I don't think it would work. That said, I agree there's no harm in trying. As long as she throws him out if/when he drops back to his old ways. He can't say that he wasn't warned. Precisely this. Thank-you. Somewhere amongst all this is similar advice believe it or not OP. Best of luck. Edited July 20, 2017 by BryanSmiley
kendahke Posted July 20, 2017 Posted July 20, 2017 (edited) See your leaping to things like this overplaying it, to justify your overly strong advice. You mean "you're". You're right about the car issue--conflated that with another post. No matter. Edited July 20, 2017 by kendahke
elaine567 Posted July 20, 2017 Posted July 20, 2017 Common things are common, and so the likelihood of this bf turning things all around and being who the OP wants him to be, is low. Some people tend to get very comfortable relying on others to carry the load. They tend to not want to change, they are happy watching TV and dreaming and not facing up to reality. They are even happier when someone else is responsible for earning, for doing all the hard stuff for them, for feeding them and for cleaning up after them. Not everyone is happy to do that, some people are fiercely independent and would never dream of imposing on another person's kind nature, but usually when a person shows this "dependent" part of their personality it is best to listen. Even if this is just a "temporary" glitch, it is something that can recur at the most inappropriate time and so if the OP is looking for husband and father material it is best to give this one a wide berth. 1
lurker74 Posted July 20, 2017 Posted July 20, 2017 A lot of replies so I'll make mine as short as I can (which is hard for me!). First, it sounds like he may be clinically depressed. If you love him, you could consider ignoring or delaying much of the advice here to dump him and help him get help. It could be that after being appropriately medicated and assisted, he bounces "back" to the extent there was ever a back to get to. But having said that, here's the one piece of advice that EVERY LS FORUM MEMBER should adhere to: Stay with someone as long as the joy of being with that person exceeds the pain of staying. That doesn't mean that the day someone pisses you off you should leave but if you consistently find that the pain exceeds the joy, get out as soon as you can. To me, it sounds like the pain exceeds your joy.
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