Unrealistic boyfriend,neglected, bad sex what do i do?

[liberated]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years this year when I meet him I was attracted to a lot of qualities he had such as his ambition, love caring, attentiveness.

 

He left he’ job recently to do he’s own thing and it didn’t work out but I was supportive, he’s more of a dreamer than a proactive person I try to encourage him to get a job than it seems like I don’t believe in he’s business ideas but I’m just trying to be realistic because I am the only one with an income ad paying rent it’s extremely hard .I am always broke because of that, sometimes I would express how difficult it is and to him it’s like I’m rubbing it in he’s face that its he’s fault but really I just want to speak to my partner.

 

I come home around 7 sometimes and I would expect him to at least assist with the cooking but I just find him stirring at the tv depressed because he is hungry or working on his dreamy business ideas sometimes he doesn’t even do the dishes ,I think that has to do with he’s male ego. When is speak to him about it he helps out once in two weeks than he would say “but I helped you! “And it’s not enough. yesterday was the worse I was talking to him about the fact that I want to buy a house because I might get a promotion he didn’t get excited and even said he would prefer to rent than buy the house cash BUT WE DON’T HAVE MONEY HOW ARE WE GONNA BUY IT CASH then he says I’m being negative he’s going to make money. And I really want to be supportive but he doesn’t act on he’s plans all he does is dream. I love him but where do I draw the line for the sake of my own happiness, how long must I be patient for this to pass?

 

Let not even talk about the sex we probably have it once after 3 weeks after I have to beg for it I’ve never had to beg for sex ever before!!!, he doesn’t attend to anything in the house the tap stop working the other day and he ask me “what do I think is wrong” even he’s friend changed the light bulb the other day. I means SERIOUSLY I don’t feel he is man enough for the type of man I am looking for, even he’s told him once time that he’s not men enough and he felt bad about and now I’m experiencing it. I want to have a family and kids and I worry if we have kids would he really step up to the table as a father financial.

 

I feel bad for him if I leave now it’s going to seem like I’m leaving him because he doesn’t have a job and if I stay my needs are not fulfilled and I’m not happy sometimes I stay at work as late as I can so I can avoid to go home. But I really do love him.What do I do?

[PegNosePete]

he’s

HIS!!! Sorry. That drove me crazy and made your post very hard to read.

 

he helps out once in two weeks than he would say “but I helped you! “

I would not let that fly. Not for one minute. What does he mean he helped you??? Like it's your jobs that he is helping with? No, if he is choosing to remain at home rather than go out to work (ie. he is choosing the life of a "house husband") then they are his jobs. You are the breadwinner and he is the home maker. He must embrace this role, or get a job (in which case house jobs are to be split 50/50). I would sit him down and explain this to him, like he's a 2 year old.

 

And if he doesn't buck up, then you should leave him. He's an adult, not a child. You should have an equal and balanced relationship, you need a partner, not looking after a dependent. Tell him this.

 

And certainly DO NOT buy a house, marry or have a kid with this guy! Unless he performs a major U turn!

[Lorenza]

I read a very good article recently. Men shouldn't HELP women with household chores. Helping is when you do something that's someone else's business to begin with. Like helping an old person cross a busy street. Cleaning up and doing chores isn't about helping. Your guy lives under the same roof so cleaning is his business too. He needs to eat to survive, so cooking is his business too. The list goes on. Tell him it's NOT helping.

 

Sounds like a man child anyway. Chasing dreams is good and so on, but not on your partner's expense. Think if he decides to work on some vague dream project when you have children with growing needs and expenses. You don't want such a man.

[liberated]

Sorry PEG

 

i'm so stressed out even my grammar is getting bad.

Thanks for the advice. I think i need to be more harsh, i'm too understanding.

[liberated]

"MAN CHILD" sounds just right. I wonder if i had a role in condoning his childish ways. I think i need to work on myself.

[angel.eyes]

You're renting right now? Are both your names on the lease? When does the lease end? Since you're solely paying the rent, have a chat with your landlord. Get the lease changed. Then serve him notice and kick him and his stuff out.

 

I'm all for helping a partner through difficult times. But that's not what you have here. What you you have is a lazy, likely depressed...but lazy man-toddler who has zero interest in contributing in any form or fashion to the relationship. It's not a partnership of equals. It's mommy with a dependent, potty-trained child who expects to play at whatever catches his interest that day (TV or his hobbies), be fed, and coddled. Either he starts contributing to the relationship like an equal adult partner or you kick his butt to the curb. Anything else is dysfunctional and unhealthy for both of you.

[angel.eyes]

"I wonder if i had a role in condoning his childish ways. I think i need to work on myself.

 

That depends. How long has this been going on?

 

It's tough. At first, when your partner hits a bump in the road, you want to be supportive and helpful. But some people take advantage of that, and are happy to snuggle in for the long ride. You turn into their parent. It can be hard to recognize early on when it's turned into something unhealthy. The key is to make changes once you do recognize what's going on.

[basil67]

"MAN CHILD" sounds just right. I wonder if i had a role in condoning his childish ways. I think i need to work on myself.

 

No, you didn't condition him - he came to you as a man child. You have simply accepted it.

 

Don't make the mistake of thinking that you can change him either. If you stay with him, you will always have to pester him to be a partner.

[BaileyB]

No, you didn't condition him - he came to you as a man child. You have simply accepted it.

 

Don't make the mistake of thinking that you can change him either. If you stay with him, you will always have to pester him to be a partner.

 

This. After three years, your roles have been established. It will be hard to change.

 

I would be looking for another boyfriend, someone who can actually bring something to my life...

[meta.morphate]

This sounds so similar to my last relationship, and yes girl .. I had to leave him. To reiterate what others have said, of course you want to support your man through a difficult time. But he didn't get FIRED, he made the choice to leave his job, knowing that it was going to leave you working and paying the rent and bills (and for food, and for toilet paper, and for laundry, and everything else). He should have made his dreams a side hustle, like a responsible adult, instead of giving up his paying job to leave you footing the bill for his whims and fantasies.

 

 

Did he tell you he was planning to do this, or did he come home one day and say he'd quit? It doesn't really matter, I'm just curious.

 

 

It does sound like you have your stoner teenage son living in your house, sitting in the dark watching TV and eating chips when you come home from work, and you have to walk around and inspect like, "Jimmy I told you to take the trash out and the dishes aren't done!" In response, he farts. Like no .

 

 

It might feel hard for you (I know it did for me when I was trying to justify in my head why I was leaving my ex, who was a good person and I loved, but he was literally the same as your bf) but it is for the best. Maybe he'll get himself together and you all can reconcile in the future but I doubt you'll even want to once you have no strings attached and aren't being held back by this relationship. Focus on your promotion, do you, and end things with him.

[elaine567]

This man is NOT husband and father material, not just now and probably not really ever, and you are wasting time in every second you stay with him.

 

He will do well with some woman who wipes his bum and allows him to get away with murder whilst she works a few jobs and juggles child care. Meanwhile he is sitting on the sofa, asking for a cold beer and dreaming about being a millionaire...

DO NOT throw your life away on this guy.

 

Get him off the lease and chuck him out or take your name off the lease and go find somewhere else to stay.

He is a millstone around your neck, you will never have a happy life whilst he is dragging you down.

[Rockdad]

Just how much do you want to carry? Sounds to me your carrying him and your household. Purchasing a house is a lot of work setting it up and a long commitment of financial responsibility. Your BF isn't up to do that currently in fact he is telling you that when he says to keep renting.

 

Forbes recently reported 90% of business start ups fail. When I started mine it was working 7 days a week for over 6 years. Most are not willing to do what it actually takes. Your BF is in the dreamer stage. Sitting around the house dreaming and watching TV will never get it done.

[Redhead14]

if I leave now it’s going to seem like I’m leaving him because he doesn’t have a job and if I stay my needs are not fulfilled and I’m not happy -- What other reasons would you really need to draw the line here???? If a person isn't happy in a relationship and their partner doesn't make an effort to work with them, there isn't a relationship anyway.

 

I feel bad for him if I leave now it’s going to seem like I’m leaving him because he doesn’t have a job -- It's one thing to have empathy for a partner, it's another to enable them. He needs to feel bad enough himself to be motivated to do something about his situation and given his attitude, that's not going to happen until he hits rock bottom -- which is no money, no place to live, no one helping him. Giving a hand up is different than giving a hand out. This guy quit his job without a plan in place or seed money -- nothing!!!!! That's irresponsibility, not following a dream!

 

What you are is a convenience to him and doing all the work in the relationship. You don't love HIM, you love who you wish he would be. And yeah, he might grow up, but you shouldn't have to wait for that to happen on your watch. That would have been something that happened on his parents' watches. Send him home to his parents so they can finish the job they started.

[kendahke]

Why is he living with you and not with his own mother?

 

There is no way he would be posted up in my house, using up my electricity, food and hot water and not doing something, be it working or doing house work.

 

There is absolutely no reason why you should be working all day to come home to a messy house and he hasn't lifted a finger to do anything while sitting on his ass playing video games all day, which is probably what he's doing along with surfing porn.

 

What tangible results has he produced that he's working on this "dream business"? One can have a dream of a business and still work 1-3 jobs to support themselves. Plenty of people do it.

 

He's lazy because you allow him to post up in your house and because you're afraid to dump him. It's probably what he needs more than a girlfriend who's bending over backwards to be his doormat.

[kendahke]

"MAN CHILD" sounds just right. I wonder if i had a role in condoning his childish ways. I think i need to work on myself.

 

Yes you did because he is there doing what he is doing.

[BryanSmiley]

I think you need to go through a short period of escalating to give him and things every opportunity to improve. Otherwise it’ll play on your mind down the line having not. Maybe I’ve missed a line in the original post but I think people are being a little harsh to all be dead certain you need to chuck him out immediately without much conversation, from a few paragraphs of you describing an entire relationship.

 

I went through a kind’ve similar period in a relationship whereby I was trading online for a few months and not making much money. I stayed at my GF’s and although I paid my way she didn’t charge me rent. After 4 months or so of her and my parents (I was 20) encouraging me to bail and get a job. I did. I started earning good money, the relationship improved, and I matured. She was a student so I in turn was then paying for more things slightly etc.

 

Tell him you’re not happy and he’s got to change his ways fast, otherwise he’ll be holding back your happiness, financial progress, and the relationship – so you might be forced to reconsider things with him. If that doesn’t jerk him into action then ramp it up, perhaps then go the routes described above.

Edited July 18, 2017 by BryanSmiley

[Redhead14]

I wonder if i had a role in condoning his childish ways. -- That's called enabling behavior . . .

[kendahke]

I think you need to go through a short period of escalating to give him and things every opportunity to improve.

 

That advice is good when you're not dealing with someone who is abusive on top of being mentally ill, alcoholic and not addressing that. This guy is, so this advice is like telling her to go into the lion's den with a meat suit on.

 

He has to improve on his own by getting into some intensive therapy and getting his meds adjusted and that doesn't have anything to do with OP.

Edited July 18, 2017 by kendahke

[spiderowl]

He's not showing you that he can be a responsible, supportive guy. He does not have the drive or the need to be that guy. You need someone supportive - we all do! You can be supportive of his dreams but you are gradually getting sucked into being the breadwinner and supporter.

 

You need to make it clear things can't go on like this because there is no future in it for you. You want to buy a house, marry, have children. He is not showing any sign that he wants the same things. You could wait a long time for this guy to change. He might, with a push from you, but most likely he will continue on this track and you will struggle to cope and feel the stress of it all.

 

I would set yourself some mental deadlines for him to start earning money, helping you more in the house, say that has the same goals as you. If these things are not happening by your deadlines, cut your losses.

[4EverHisPrincess]

Though you say that you love him, sometimes we can interpret love wrong. It sounds like you care for him and would be willing to stay with him if he's being supportive, but it's apparent that this isn't the case. Your happiness should not suffer at the cost of someone that will not be by your side. Be thankful that you are realizing this now before making a big decision to have a family.

[hercules22]

surprised you havnt dumped him

[BryanSmiley]

That advice is good when you're not dealing with someone who is abusive on top of being mentally ill, alcoholic and not addressing that. This guy is, so this advice is like telling her to go into the lion's den with a meat suit on.

 

He has to improve on his own by getting into some intensive therapy and getting his meds adjusted and that doesn't have anything to do with OP.

 

I’ve re-read all the posts and nowhere does she say he has been or is essentially ‘abusive’. Now it’s okay for someone to make that leap in their own mind from limited info, but to then make a full flooded 100% leave immediately approach with regards to someone else’s life – is for me a little over doctoring and a little ‘all knowing’ for me.

 

This guy from what’s been said is very lazy, has lost his motivation, and is depressed. Yes it’s not fair on the OP at all, no excuse. But all I and a couple have said is it sounds like she hasn’t escalated enough to him how serious she is about him changing and you possibly leaving if things don’t change very soon. To proclaim the OP shouldn’t even escalate and give those chances before chucking him out or leaving is a little over the top. And to say he’s mentally ill is also a slight exaggeration. He’s depressed, un-motivated, and lacking self worth, respect. We’ve all had very low points in life. Of course there’s a limit to tolerating and supporting. But having experienced something similar and been that guy albeit to a lesser degree – there is every chance with some strong pushes and warning shots that he can pull himself out of it and return to the guy he was – or even better. However low the chance, all is being said is give that chance for the clear conscience if nothing else of having tried.

 

Too many times on this forum people seem certain people should bail and run from a relationship they are in. It’s almost like we play out our own hurts from past relationships and advise against anyone persevering in 90% of situations described. No one here is certain this guy and this relationship couldn’t be turned around. If positive change doesn’t come about over the coming weeks then by all means bail. But the 100% run and done immediately advice...sorry – seems overly harsh to me.

[angel.eyes]

Bryan, she did say that she has spoken to him. He'll point out that he "helped" a week earlier or whenever, then improve a little bit for a couple of days before reverting right back to doing nothing other than contributing to the mess.

 

How do you loaf around at home all day, and when your partner who has been working all day to keep a roof over your head shows up, ask her what's for dinner because you're hungry? How could that possibly be acceptable behavior? If you have any respect for your partner, you wouldn't ever get to that point.

[BryanSmiley]

Bryan, she did say that she has spoken to him. He'll point out that he "helped" a week earlier or whenever, then improve a little bit for a couple of days before reverting right back to doing nothing other than contributing to the mess.

 

How do you loaf around at home all day, and when your partner who has been working all day to keep a roof over your head shows up, ask her what's for dinner because you're hungry? How could that possibly be acceptable behavior? If you have any respect for your partner, you wouldn't ever get to that point.

 

I don't disagree per say. But it doesn't sound like she's said, look, I'm reconsidering our relationship, you seriously need to make demonstrable change this week - otherwise I can't see a way forwards for us.

 

See what the response is that day, or over a few days. If it's not enough - walk..or chuck him out.

[kendahke]

I’ve re-read all the posts and nowhere does she say he has been or is essentially ‘abusive’. Now it’s okay for someone to make that leap in their own mind from limited info, but to then make a full flooded 100% leave immediately approach with regards to someone else’s life – is for me a little over doctoring and a little ‘all knowing’ for me. But the 100% run and done immediately advice...sorry – seems overly harsh to me.

 

She isn't his mother and she isn't his wife.

 

She is not responsible for him. He is responsible for himself and his family comes in second.

 

If he was admitted to the hospital, she isn't his next of kin.

 

He IS abusive in how he is treating her and taking advantage of her--and she is allowing it, so just like the airlines say, when the mask drops, put it over your face first, then tend to others. She needs to put herself first here and that means he needs to go back to his mother and sit in her house all day, using up her electricity/hot water/food, not doing housework and driving her car into the ground.

 

Really don't care if you think that is harsh. Life and reality is harsh. Coddling a grown man you didn't birth or marry brings harsh repercussions. Her getting a call from law enforcement that her car is totaled as a result of an accident he was in and she is liable for damages is harsh.